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Return of the Clean Meter: Time to boost my score

Thank you all for participating in yesterday's Cleanmeter fun.  Not only was it a well-received post, but insanely popular as well.  It was the #1 viewed post of the day, and after just one day it became the post of the week, and the 3rd-most viewed post of the month!

It just goes to show that everyone loves some good *cough* clean fun...

But, how to follow such an awesome post?

Well, why not bring it back, and try to boost my score?  I was mid-yellow as of yesterday, and plan on fixing that little snafu.

Over Memorial Day weekend, I did a post listing off a gaggle of funny vagina names.  It was fun, was widely popular, and I've been wanting to do something similar for a while.  Today is that day.  My followers, I bring to you:

The top 20 euphemisms for male and female masturbation.  I'll be doing 20 of each so sit back, dim the lights, put on some 'mood music' and don't let anyone catch you.


20. Wasting Paste
19. A date with Pamela Handerson
18. Roughing up the suspect
17. Applying the hand-brake
16. Building upper-body strength
15. Cleaning your rifle
14. Waxing the surfboard
13. Shakin' hands with the unemployed
12. Painting the ceiling
11. The five-knuckle shuffle
10. Hand to gland combat
9. Turning japanese (yes, bad taste, but I laughed a little...)
8. Disobeying the Pope
7. Checking the Oil
6. Arm aerobics
5. Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo (nerd alert!)
4. Playing with the Pink Power Ranger
3. Sanding your banister
2. Zoot Flute Riot (5-points if you get the reference)
1. Pitching a knuckleball


20. Sending muffin morse code
19. The two-finger tango
18. Stirring the sauce
17. Makin some soup
16. Tending your own garden
15. Double clicking the mouse
14. Going fishing with the man in the boat
13. Defrosting the fridge
12. Stirring the honey pot
11. Doing your nails
10. Twinkling the little star
9. Visiting the safety deposit box
8. Testing the plumbing
7. Tickling the tuna
6. Making kitty purr
5. Getting a jiffy-lube
4. Doing the two-finger slit rumba
3. Finger-painting
2. Flipping the light switch repeatedly (OCD much?)
1.  Shuffling your iPod

Ok, so let's see what this little post did to my cleanmeter rating, shall we??


If I missed any good ones, please let me know by leaving a comment below.  Thanks for playing!
Please Share it! :)

30 witty retorts:

Mynx said...

I think I am laughing too much to make any sense. Think you may have achieved your goal. Must admit, I had never heard of most of those

Lady Estrogen said...

Can I use A Date with Pammy for the female version too? Pre-Hepatitis, of course.

Neon said...

Hahaha1 :D You're funny :D

Rob said...

Pahaha, very funny, will be using some of those as my own :P

Astronomy Pirate said...

I totally missed yesterdays post. I am pretty sure my blog is squeaky clean though. Also, euphemisms are fun.

Moobeat said...

hrm, whats this? I guess I'll have to check out the post yesterday

Pickleope said...

I've always liked "flicking the bean" for ladies and "getting the genie out of the lamp" for dudes.

AllenTesch said...

Rotating the stock.

Alphabeta said...

This meter is heck-a-fun.
I'm happy to say ABWars is completely green, but I like to think it's slightly funnier than that Mormon site.

Cheers for that.

Also, you (unwittingly?) won extra votes on ABWars' last round, as well as a shout out in this one.
You clever bunny.

Alice X said...

Sending muffin morse code. I wish i could really send morse code with my lady bits, imagine the potential for a one women rescue centre. I could guide ships through stormy seas and conduct rescue missions for stranded lifeboats, all from the comfort of my own vagina!

D4 said...

There's no way I could think of anything better then what's on that list. Pamela Handerson, sheesh, NEVER forgetting that one.

Anonymous said...

Have you seen those shake weight commercials? Those look like someone is helping a guy out.

anyway you forgot clicking the mouse for female.

-E said...

@E: #15 was double clicking the mouse. Why single click when you can do it twice?

And in regard to the shake weight, already got it covered. Here's a post from February...

Bart said...

yeah you're probably rite. 4 oh faces. :O ohh yeah

Asty said...

owned so hard D:

Zombie said...

my site was almost in the max red... I need to try harder!!

JamieGraham09 said...

Haha funny stuff! keep it coming :)

Oh_B_City said...

LOLOLOL shuffling your iPod!

Jeff said...

This is hilarious, and should definitely boost your cleanmeter score.

I must do this for my blog. Props to you will surely follow.

Speaking of blogs, this one kicks ass.

jorg wobblington lopez said...

Female: Flicking the bean.
Male: A date with PALMALA Handerson

becca said...

i'm laughing way to hard to make a serious comment

Everyday Life

Autumnforest said...

I've always referred to it as "jilling off."

The Empress said...

Well done. I think you covered all of the bases. Click...double click... ; )

The Empress said...

I just checked my blog against the clean meter and I've nearly busted out of the red zone. Apparently there isn't even a name for all of the sinful things I represent over at The Ranter's Box, just a list of offences including vulgarity, insults, swearing, and even one reference to gambling (completely unsure about that one)!

The Ranter's Box

Skankin_Pete said...

Well you inspired me to go from completely in the green wholesome blog to the far end of the red, I hope you're proud of yourself =P

in bed with married women said...

i'm kinda not so into "jilling off" as the female term since my name is jill and all. it's like i friggin' invented it or something.

maybe i should just own it and be proud...


Random Girl said...

Wow, you have really outdone yourself on this one! 20 for each?? You are quality my friend! I haven't played with the clean meter yet, I am pretty sure I already know where it would rate Random Girl.

Bunny Hill said...

haha I'm speechless

Anonymous said...

I almost peed my pants at "hand to gland combat" that was a new one for me! lol Great lists!

Benji Radman said...

Haha those lists were awesome :) I'm gonna check out cleanmeter for myself :)

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