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Why Alexa Rankings May or May Not Be Important, But Why You Should Pay Attention Anyway


Page Rank.

Alexa Ranking.


You may have heard these terms from time to time, if you manage your own blog or website.  Many companies make a living telling you how to improve your Search Engine Optimization, your Alexa Ranking, and your pagerank in google searches.

If you do some research, some sites will tell you it's a waste of time.  Others will tell you your website's livelihood depends on your 'ranking.'

I can tell you this:  I run adspace on my site, and belong to a handful of 'review' and 'business' sites looking to post things on my site.  2 out of 3 interviews, I am asked "What is your Alexa Ranking?"

66.7% is enough of a percentage to get my attention...

Alexa is a metrics site that measures a website's popularity.  The lower your number, the better you are.

The #1 ranked website, according to Alexa?

Google, of course...

The more people that visit your site, the higher your Alexa ranking.  The more that link back to you, the higher your ranking.

In other words, a low score means high popularity.

On that note, where do I stand?

It changes daily, but here is a review of my site from Alexa, as of April 30th 2012:

Click to enlarge

Comparatively, Hyperbole and a Half is ranked in the 47,000's and has over 7,600 sites linking in.  I'm still fairly low on the totem pole, but I'm still withing the top 500,000 websites out there.

(I will let you know their numbers are a little off though.  It says I have 632 daily visitors and 788 daily pageviews, while the counters on my blogger dashboard are about 4-5 times higher, depending on the day...)

Alexa will also let you know a snapshot of your readership.  Demographics are king, especially to potential business partners...

Heavy female audience, aged 25-45.  How YOU doin???

And while Alexa has its flaws, it's still good ammunition to have on your side.  If you use your website as a business tool, people will ask where you rank.

So how can you improve your Alexa ranking?  Thanks to Stephanie at Crazy Beautiful Life, there are two main things you can do:

- Download the Alexa Toolbar and install on your browser.  This will add you to the demographic pool so they can measure your data.  This, in turn, will raise your ranking like it did mine.  Slowly, but any bit helps, right?

- Network network network.  Find other people that have signed up for Alexa accounts, and get them to write reviews about your site.  Be willing to write some reviews in return.  Mutual back-scratching will help the savvy surpass the slow.

These two tips have helped me manage my ranking, and will help you too.  If you run ads on your site, this will give you bragging rights (it's not the size that counts, but really, it is...).  If you contract through review sites like Business2Blogger, this will make your site more alluring to businesses.

Although some say you can't manipulate your own SEO or page ranking, others say you can.  Whether you can or cannot, you should at least know where you stand.

Where do YOU rank?  The results may surprise you...


Move Over, Crazy Bitch

When my girlfriend and I first started getting serious, we decided 'Crazy Bitch' by Buckcherry was going to be our wedding song.

Now, I'm kind of thinking this:

I like the lyrics, and I want to see my in-law's faces when the bass drops.

Besides, who plays music like this at their wedding?  Especially for the first dance??


A Weekend Quickie

Ooh, baby... it feels so good when you do that...

...I can't believe you can take the whole thing...

Ooooooh you feel so... slow down.  Awww yeah, this feel amazing.  You're the one, baby... you're the one...

Mmmmm... yeah...


Careful... slow down, I think I'm...

Slow down baby... slow down slowdownSLOWDOWN...


(breathing heavily)  

....heh.... you were awesome...

Ugh, I'm sleepy all of a sudden.


Wow babe.  That was mind-blowing.  Even better than usual.  

...I have to ask... what was that thing you used to get me to pop so damn fast??


My Arch Nemesis, The Claw Machine

My dad is a racist, compulsive-gambling sack of douchebaggery, but there is one life-lesson imparted by him that I am grateful for:

He taught me how to kick ass at claw machines.

I know... great resume fodder, right?

But you know what, it is a fun little vice of mine.

Sort of like my cigarette.... because when I see one, I almost always have to play.

Malls, restaurants, ballparks, and yes, even in hotels.  If there is a claw machine, I'll be feeding it quarters.

Of all the addictions to have (drugs, alcohol, Arby-Q's) I think this is a fairly safe one to have.

And like I said, I'm pretty good at it.

For example, there is a claw machine in the current hotel I'm in.  I've only spent $1 so far, and walked away with these:

2 stuffed animals for $1?  Not too shabby.

I usually only spend $1-4 at a time, and almost always walk away with a few things.  Sometimes I give them away to nearby kids, sometimes I take them home and let my dog shred them to bits.  I don't need them, but I like to win.

And I win a lot.

However, I refuse to play the 'bling' claw games, because it's cheap plastic jewelry and almost impossible to win.  Stuffed animals, balls, hats, etc is the way to do.

Side note, I was surprised to see the necklace to the left in a claw machine.  It's a square and compass, the emblem of Freemasonry.

The Masons are a fraternal organization that requires a little bit of work to get into.  I should know, I used to be one.  Yet, in this machine, for as little as 50 cents, you could wear this snazzy piece of jewelry.

It makes me chuckle to imagine a 4yo girl wearing this.  "The G stand for Gina, my name!"  Ha, sure doll.  Whatever you say...

Do you have any addictions?  Video Games?  Meth?  World of Warcraft (one of my old favorites...)?  Please share below...


So I Watched #DuckDynasty for the First Time...

I usually work late when I'm in a hotel room, but I finished early for a change.  I got a jalapeno pizza to go, purchased a 6-pack of beer, and started flipping through the channels.

I turned to A&E (Arts and Entertainment, but you rarely see any 'Arts' on this channel) and start watching Duck Dynasty for the first time.

I have seen previews for this show, and it looked like a train-wreck.  Since I was buzzing (and nothing else was on) I left it on.

Sober, the channel would have been changed in 45 seconds.  But booze makes this show HILARIOUS.

The episode I watched had two story lines.  Three guys (Willie, the CEO of a Duck Call company, his brother and uncle) find a honeybee hive on their property, and start salivating over the thoughts of wild honey.  The other storyline involved their wives, a scissor lift, some dimwitted employees and a pissed off skunk.

Story 2 involves hairy man-boobs, so we'll save that one for another time...

Meanwhile at the beehive, the guys come up with an idea to suck up all the bees with a shop-vac.

(Commentary from Winnie the Pooh:  "Oh bother.  REALLY?  You guys are idiots.  Go dress up like a raincloud and sing to those bitches!")

Words like 'brilliant' and 'foolproof' were passed around.

They got stung.

A lot.

And I almost fell off the bed.  (on beer #4 at this point...)

Attempt #2 involved the story "I read somewhere that bees don't sting at night," which led to a night-vision clusterfuck with more stinging and more running.

Meanwhile, Pooh Bear is laughing his ass off.  "I'm just going to wait here until the bees chase these numbnuts off, and go get me a handful..."

Finally, they ask the patriarch for help.  Phil, the head of the family, takes the grandson and smokes the bees to sleep.  He cuts off the branch, and honey is had by all.

The guys are dumbfounded, when the TV cuts to Phil to impart his words of wisdom:

Apparently each episode offers some sort of twisted PHIL-osophies quote, like "taking care of my granddaughters for the day is like a Vietnamese firefight" and "if a woman knows how to skin and gut a catfish, men will think she's a real catch..."

Because of this, I decided to make a Duck Dynasty meme for Phil and his PHIL-osophies:

...and that was only after 3 episodes...

Below is the template.  Feel free to make your own (if you're a fan of the show) and share with the world...

1) Download   2) Insert random Phil quote   3)  ?????????   4) PROFIT!

Do you watch this show?  Do you agree that it's better when you're inebriated?


Doing the iPod Shuffle (FFFUUUUUU)

An act of goodwill turned into a frustrating time for me.

Recently during a flight, I found an iPod.

No joke.  Actually, it found me.

My laptop bag was under the seat in front of me, and when I was leaving the plane, I noticed a pair of headphones sticking out of my bag.  Somehow an iPod Nano fell out of someone's seat and slid into one of my bag's pockets.

It was exactly like mine, but a 5th generation instead of a 4th.  And mine was in my shirt pocket.  I now had 2 iPods.

I asked around before people exited, and nobody claimed it.  Score.

Fast forward a month later, when I'm riding around the middle of nowhere with my boss, listening to tunes and visiting customers.

He comments about my iPod, and my good taste in music.  Because I now have a 'spare' at home, I offer him my iPod.  He's never had one before, and he jumps at the chance.

I earn brownie points with my boss, and it doesn't hurt me one bit.  After the ride-along, I'll just go home and load up the new iPod with my tunes, right?


Somehow between my last sync and then, iTunes stopped working.  Something about a fatal error blah blah blah.

I uninstall and reinstall.


I uninstall all Apple products and reinstall.

It works.  FINALLY.

...but... all my settings, playlists, etc have been erased.

I have 22 gigs of songs, and now I get to sort them all out again.  Rock, Hip Hop, Jazz, Classical...


After a lot of work and staying up until 2am, I finally have a working iPod again.  Just in time too, since I'm hitting the road 4 hours later, and driving 7 hours into Northern Montana.

I may have a headache and am groggy because of little sleep, but at least I have some sick beats to listen to...


Thank You For A Half-Million Laughs

Thanks to you...

Yes, surpassed a half-million pageviews over the weekend.

Thank you for coming, for joining in on the discussion, and fueling my MASSIVE ego.  It has a raging hard-on, thanks in part to your support.


Observations: The Cowgirl Butt Phenomenon

When I was younger, I had a poster of a cowgirl in my bedroom.  She had holes in her jeans so you could see her butt, and the words "Save a horse, ride a cowboy" were scrawled on the bottom.

I'm not a country boy.  I don't even like country music, but I loved that poster.  It was 50 cents at a yard sale, and it was 50 cents well spent...

(keep in mind I was a 90's kid, so internet porn wasn't around...)

Because of this poster, I had in my head what a cowgirl's butt should look like:  Tan, toned, sexy, and something you want to just bite.

Well, this past weekend I went to an Idaho Horse Expo.  There were hundreds of cowgirls there, and hundreds of cowgirl butts to check out.

Sadly, reality kicked me in the teeth, but not completely in a bad way... to paraphrase Sir Mixalot, these babies had some back.

Skinny and curvy girls both had two distinct features about their rear ends:  they were a bit larger than the rest of the frame, and the jeans were always sparkly.  Sequined or rhinestoned butts were all the fashion, and it just screamed 'look at me, check me out' on every set of cheeks that walked by.

In the crowd, you could easily tell the cowgirls from the country folk walking around.  The country women had on baggy jeans, no bling, and didn't have much to show.

The cowgirls, on the other hand, had enough cushion to make any time spent on the saddle as comfortable as possible.

Besides the sparkles on their jeans, the cowgirls had rhinestones on their:

- Purses
- Shoes
- Belts (with the big buckle, of course)
- Hats

Basically anywhere you could make shiny was shiny.

But the butts were the most fun to look at.

Husband and wife butt.  Men don't bling their backsides, but the women do.

Like mother like daughter...

This butt-bling is designed to look like a tramp stamp...

Those aren't mom-jeans, those are cowgirl booty jeans!

So, even though I'm still not a country boy, those rodeo girls and their bodacious backsides keep me hootin and hollerin for that barrel-racing booty.

Is it rodeo season yet?


Happy Earth Day. Go Hug a Tree.

Like this...

...maybe dry-hump it a little too.

But make sure to call it tomorrow, so it knows you respect it.

And if you want to read a semi-humorous Earth Day post from last year, click here.


Hey Kids! It's OK to Play With Poop! (A New, Educationally Gross Toy)

I love looking at kids toys, especially some of the newer, more odd selections.

During my recent travels, I found educational dinosaur poop.

Yes, kids... it's poop you can play with!

PBS has a kids show called Dinosaur Train.  You learn about the different dinos in the different eras, and it tries to be both educational and fun.

My 4yo nephew LOVES this show.

Dinosaur Train also sells toys.  Dino action figures, play sets, 'grow your own' eggs with toys inside (you put it in water, and the 'egg' dissolves) and... dinosaur poop.


There are 3 varieties: carnivore, omnivore and herbivore...

Where each type of 'poop' has a different array of fossils.  Your job, as the kid, is to discover what the dino ate before it poo'd.

But don't worry, this (obviously) isn't real poop.  It's 'dino dough,' which is another non-branded way of saying Play-Dough.

They even show you how to make fossil imprints of what you find!  Imprints... in the poop...  more playing in poop...

And to top it off, just in case you wondered...

Don't eat the poop.
I'm biting my tongue on this, because I really want to get into a "back in MY day" rant.  However, I'm just going to leave it as is.

Poop.  To play with.  For only $9.99 (yes, you pay for poop).

What do you think about this?  Educational, yes... but too far??


Down The @Etsy Abyss - My New Addiction

I helped design my girlfriend's etsy page, and then she thanked me by purchasing some beer soap from one of the shops she frequents.

It.  Smells.  AWESOME.

And it got me looking...

After a few minutes, I started noticing more and more cool things on etsy:  Zombie Gnomes.  Doctor Who Paraphanalia.  Ninja everything.  They even have an entire section labeled 'geekery.'

My new home.

I've blogged about taxidermied squirrels before, and there are plenty to choose from on etsy.  This cowboy, for example, complete with six-shooter.

There is also a canoeing squirrel, with paddle in hand.

I can hear The Bloggess squee-ing with delight when she first found this section (not that she doesn't have every taxidermy hook-up in the world already...)

And so much more. You really need to spend some time looking at the handmade shit that people come up with...

But back to the original draw:  My girlfriend.  If you do anything crafty or scrap-book related, please visit her stores.

She has a Chop Shop for crafty people looking for themed kits or accessory sets, and a general Craft Store for cards, pre-made albums, mini albums and more.

Oh, and she does custom work as well.  Wedding album?  Baby?  If you want her to transform your pictures and memories into an amazing scrapbook album, she's your girl.

And she's my girl, so that makes for the ultimate reference, doesn't it?

Anyway, this is my new cigarette.  I'm hooked on etsy, and will be enjoying my 'LUDICROUS SPEED.... GO!' vinyl sticker on my car, once I get it back.


#NickJrProblems - Like #FirstWorldProblems, But For Kids!

This is a redo from this weekend, because readership is low on the weekend (10 comments?  I can do better).  I had enough positive feedback from the people reading it the first time, so I had to share it again.  If you like the post, feel free to tweet, stumble, digg and share it in any way.  Thanks!

I love websites like First World Problems and Rich People Problems that tackle issues like:

"Playing Angry Birds and I fling the bird in the wrong direction."


"I put a band-aid on my thumb and now I can only text with one hand..."

They make me laugh and realize I have things fairly well. I don't complain often because I still have it better than most.

But, thanks to my four-year-old nephew and TV-time with him, I realize it could be worse. Much worse.

I present to you, a list of "Nick Jr. Problems." Problems that toddlers and young children have to face, when they go on adventures with Dora or Wubbzy.

"Our carnival is missing music and goodies! Only the llama can help us now..."

"We need to search Hawaii beaches in order to surf the perfect wave."

"Our Marching Band can't march because there is a duck in the way!"

"We need to save a baby cow stuck in a tree, but a twister is coming!"

"My map won't come out of my backpack unless everyone shouts 'MAP' really loud!"

"An adventure isn't truly over unless we have sang at least two songs."

"I like Christmas, but what about the squirrels? Do they like Christmas? Let's get the squirrels presents!"

"A mouse is trapped in a saxophone, and we need to use teamwork to blow him out."

"An angry boar took our ball! What will we play with now? I know! Let's see if he wants to share!"

"Sea animals are stuck in a coral cage in the bottom of the ocean. We need to find a giant octopus to help us free the animals!"

"Our goldfish got stuck in the aquarium's treasure chest. How do we get him out?"

"A chicken is asking for spring flowers. Let's go pick some!"

"We were floating down the river to go play at a polka party, but our instruments fell in the water."

And many, many, MANY more.

(and I'm sure a handful of parents of 3-7 year-olds can probably match at least half of these 'problems' to the shows they came from...)

What do you think? Should there be a "TV Toddler Problems" website listing these? Should we do Disney as well? (Hot dog, hot diggity dog!!)

Should we start a fun #NickJrProblems hashtag and see if we can't get it to trend on twitter?

If you are a parent and want to add to this list, please share your 'problems' below with a comment.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my jaguar sidekick and I are going to teach an emperor penguin how to play a harmonica, so he can perform for his sister's birthday party.


Way Overdue: My Obligatory #Bacon Post

I have blogged casually about bacon before, covering both bacon cupcakes and the growing-in-popularity bacon vodka, but never on this magnitude.

This post, my friends, is completely devoted to bacon.

This is a blogging rite-of-passage, brethren.  No blogger is truly complete until they've dedicated an entire post about this tasty phenomenon.

I have wanted to do this post ever since the Marry Bacon superbowl commercial aired, but I never got around to it for some reason.

I was too busy eating it to write about it.... let alone think about marriage...

Oh, the honeymoon.   I would WRECK that bacon.
But, like most people, I love the stuff.  I love it in all shapes and sizes.  While I am trying to lose weight (youble shut down.  GAH) bacon is still the one thing I can't give up.

She just means too much to me.

So, in that love, I share with you:  BACON.


Sex will never be the same, after you've tried bacon lube...


Pushy Salesmen Lead To Innovation (and fun!)

I'm in Sales.

And I can't stand salesmen.

Let me rephrase... I can't stand people in sales position who have no idea what the fuck they're doing.

You see, when I visit my customers I build a relationship, help them grow their business overall, and then grow my slice of the pie.

In that order.  It's not quick, but it's highly effective.

If I came out the gate going "You need THIS AND THIS AND THIS ANDDON'TFORGETABOUT..." I would get nowhere.

Yet, when you walk around the mall, this is what you're bombarded with.

The girlfriend and I went shopping the other night, and we started playing a game.  It's called "how far can you get into the store before being harassed by an associate?"'s a working title...

We would vocalize the 'score' whenever we got asked, much to the confusion of the people working there.  We'd exclaim "3 feet!" or "12 feet!" depending on how far we would get.  If we made it to the back of the store uninterrupted, we would celebrate.

It was awesome.

Two stores really bothered me.  One was a major department store, where the old bat working the ladies' clothing section would verbally assault my girlfriend.  If she were looking at a pair of jeans, the associate would jump in, saying "you know those shoes over there would look great with those jeans.  So would this jacket, and let me go get you a blouse!"  I had to intervene and get my girl out of there, before that old lady got punched.

Next was a smaller store, but same attitude.  Instead of upselling clothes, it was the rewards program.  You give them your email, 20% off.  Phone number?  Another 10%.  If you sign over your soul (in blood, of course) you get an astounding 80% off!!

It inspired me to invent something you're going to LOVE.

I am working on creating a "Go the FUCK Away" hat to be worn while shopping.  If you don't want help, but get tired of saying "no thank you" a hundred times, this product is for you.

Expect a prototype version by early summer.

This hat will stand out, and have a polite message stating "don't bother me" to any salesman you encounter.  This hat can be worn in:

- A department store
- A car lot (highly recommended)
- A farmer's market (no, I DON'T want to sample your sausage, you dirty dirty man...)
- and many more places

And will convey its message in a 360-degree radius.  Even if they sneak up behind you, the message of "thanks but no thanks" will come across loudly.  Granted, this isn't a product designed to attract women, but I think it could be an interesting conversation starter...

Thoughts?  Would you buy one of these?  Tell your friends and share this post, as I may be looking for some Venture Capital...