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Asshole Drivers and Politics: Is There a Relation?

Over the last 5 months, I have been taking a slow tally.

I have been looking for patterns in asshole drivers.

Do you weave through traffic using no turn signal and no regard for other drivers?  Asshole.

Do you flip people off or flash your lights if someone is in your way or not going fast enough?  Asshole.

Do you speed excessively and think people going 10 over the speed limit are 'fucking slowpokes?'  Asshole.  (and by the way, the speed on freeways in Idaho is 75...)

So I've been keeping a tally of assholes.  And since it's an election year, I've been keeping a tally of who the assholes are voting for.

From June to October I have been in California, Nevada, Utah, Idaho, Montana and Wyoming.  In other words, 4 very red states, one very very blue state, and Nevada (a current battleground, but leaning left).

During that time, I have accumulated the following statistics:

- 54 traffic weavers, ducking and dodging through other cars, skimming seconds off their precious drive time.  Of the 54, 20 had Romney stickers, 8 had Obama stickers, and the rest had none.

- 28 bird-flippers.  10 of the 28 were Republicans, 2 were Democrats, and 6, while having no political stickers, had BYU logos on their cars, leading me to believe they were Republican (as I have not yet met a Mormon Democrat).  That makes 16... out of 28...

- 103 speeders.  This was a pretty even split.  30 Romnites, 31 Obama-mamas, and the rest neutral.  Hell, even I speed...

- 25 Light-flashers, or people who ride your ass because you're going too slow. 5 Red, 1 blue, the rest it was too dark to see.

Oddly enough, there were more 'Coexist' bumper stickers on the ass-riding jerks than Republican stickers...

Coexist my hairy white-ass....

So.  5 months, 210 offenders.  71 confirmed Republican, 42 confirmed Democrat.  34% Red, 20% Blue.

In summary? know... in theory...


Buttsex Killed the Dinosaurs

So, according to religious nuts, the world was supposed to end last year.

In May.

Oh wait, I meant October.

...or something.

When the rapture didn't happened, we all chucked at the nonsensical ramblings of some idiot, and moved on with our lives.

Or so I thought.  If religious whackos aren't harping about one thing, it's another...

Last week, my brother in law posted this picture on his facebook, with the caption 'Enuf said:'

He's sixteen, wishes Justin Bieber really did have cancer, and actually believes some of this shit.

Some of the things that spout out of his mouth, whether on current events, religion or politics absolutely sickens me.  I'm not sure if he's getting this from his school or his peers, but SOMEBODY needs to be bitch-slapped until the nonsense is knocked out of them.

But Brandon, what about The First Amendment?  We have a freedom of speech and religion, so there's nothing wrong with this!

I usually agree, but someone somewhere is saying stupid shit that easily-influenced teenagers are supping up like milk from a saucer.

Someone out there is indoctrinating these kids to think dinousaur buttsex makes an angry God, that Obama is the Antichrist, and that every person who is homosexual is a serial killer.

I mean, come on.  Not even most Baptists are this crazy... (notice I said most...)

This kid is being led down a very wrong path, and this is why I would never raise my children in Eastern Idaho.  I worry about how he will function in the future, and worry this kind of thinking will keep him in Idaho 'with his peers' for the rest of his life.

...and yet he, like most teenagers these days, is addicted to internet porn.  Maybe there's some hope for him after all?


Just The Tip. Just For A Second.

The title may be a little misleading, but I couldn't help myself.  No, this isn't talking about what led to my first pregnancy scare, I'm talking about tipping for good service.

In California, I knew a few people in the service industry who made good money.  California is a state where you can make the standard minimum wage, and tips are just the icing on the cake.

Good servers can make an average of $20+ an hour in California.

In states like Idaho, however, tipped professions make a 'special' minimum wage:  $3.35 an hour.

In other words, they rely on their tips to get to minimum wage, whereas the dude at McDonald's can be a complete douche balloon and still make his $7.25.

So why are people so stingy with tips, especially when you get above-and-beyond service???

I do ride-alongs with vendor reps, bosses, and other VIPs on a regular basis.  This last week I had two scenarios involving bad tips by the same person, and it pissed me off:

- Jackson Hole, WY.  We go to a nice steakhouse to celebrate a great day.  The place is having 2-for-1 entrees, so we eat like kings.  Filet Mignon for me, Braised Elk for him.  The subtotal came to over $70, but because of the special the actual total was just above $40.  He left a $4.83 tip to round the bill up to $45...   I felt bad because the waitress was fantastic.  Extra bread, drink refills on a regular basis, top-notch service.  I slipped in an extra $5 and a note: "Sorry my boss is a bad tipper..."

Even with my $5, the tip was only about 12% of the subtotal.  It was a $70 meal and deserved to be tipped accordingly...  I felt bad, but that was all the cash I had to give.

- Boise, ID.  We go to a gourmet pizza joint and again, top-notch service.  She upgrades our pizza for no extra charge.  Boss talks about a cola-white-wine drink he used to have in Germany, so the intrigued waitress brings us all a sample of it to try.  For free.  $21 tab, $2 tip.  He even told her it was fantastic service, and still shafted her.

I completely understand if it is horrible service.  If you earn your living off tips, the last thing you should do is piss off your customers.

TIPS = To Insure Prompt Service.

Good service should be rewarded, and bad service should be called-out.  However, a 5% tip on good service throws off that way of thinking, making people think a lousy tip is an 'asshole customer' 100% of the time.

If I get bad service (like I did at The Celt) I tip low.  If I get so-so service I tip so-so.  But if the person truly takes care of me and makes the dining experience a good one, I reward them for a job well  done.  $5 tip on a $12 tab, for example.

Especially in Idaho, where they're already $4/hr lower than the 'minimum' wage.  They need these tips to survive, and if they're hustling accordingly, I can't not recognize that.

I do, however, think the lower minimum is unfair.  A Rooty Tootie Fresh n Fruity costs the same if you're in a California IHOP vs an Idaho IHOP, but the waitstaff is making MUCH MUCH less in the tater state...  That's not cool, but the restaurant industry doesn't care.

Do you tip well?  Do you 'not believe' in tipping like Mr. Pink?

What do you think about the 'lower-than-minimum' minimum wage laws like in Idaho?

Do you work for tips and have a fun story to share?  Please leave a comment below, and feel free to share this post with others.  Maybe, with luck, we can educate a person or two...


Here's Your Sign - Idaho Double-Facepalm Edition

I've had a frustrating 7 days.  I did a marathon-run with my boss, covering 1,700 miles in 4 days.  After that, I crashed and somehow got pinkeye.

By Monday, I needed to go to urgent care, and I was in a foul mood.

I needed to smile.  I needed to be amused.

And Idaho Falls delivered, in a frustratingly delightful way.

Driving to urgent care, I noticed the readerboard of a local church:

First of all, I love the jab toward Catholics.  Good job, baptists.  HOWEVER, your poke at their confessional structure fell on deaf ears because you idiots don't know how to spell 'bragging.'

Well done.

I go to urgent care, get checked out, and get my prescription.  Since I never get sick, I don't have a pharmacy in town yet (2 years without meds!  WOO!).  Smith's grocery store is the closest place to me, so I tell them to send it there.

I get to Smith's and they tell me to wait about 20 minutes.  I wander, since I can't sit still.  I notice this sign, selling Colgate Toothpaste:

Cologate?  Is that the toothpaste Dolemite uses?

I chuckled, took a picture, and kept walking... when I spotted this:


and this


and this

Listene is actually a Norwegian rock band...

This was getting ridiculous.  And fun.  Smith's provided me with twenty minutes of 'find the glaring typos' entertainment!

Band-Aids is a brand, Kroger.  You know you can get sued for this, right??

The sign says red, and you save $10.11... but the chopper is grey...

THIS sign says grey, and you only save 11 cents... and the chopper is red....

You have GOT to be kidding me...

But wait, there's more.  Time for the pain-reliever aisle!!

click to enlarge

Omeprazole is hard to spell, but the box is right there.  Same thing with Ibuprofen...

...pain reliefer??

Two floor-stands, side by side... selling the same box of Ibuprofen...

click to enlarge

click to enlarge

That makes three different INCORRECT spellings of Ibuprofen in one store. it too late to add Xanax to my prescriptions??


Brad Pitt: I Can't Believe It's Not Old Spice

Have you seen the new Old Spice Chanel No 5 commercial, starring Brad Pitt?

Oh wait, this is the wrong picture...

...I get Fabio and Brad Pitt confused these days...

(but can you blame me??)

The commercial is featured on man-heavy slots, during football and on Spike TV.  It features Brad rambling about nonsense, and then...

"Chanel Number Five... Inevitable..."


I find these commercials boring and confusing.  Beautiful women sell Chanel to women, but why Brad Pitt, why on man-focused times, and why be dull?

My main problems of this commercial include:

- Brad's confusing dialogue.  "I am, therefore I am.  Bananagrams.  Plethora is a fun word to say, as well as bulbous..."

- A perfume for women, but an ad directed toward men.  Why are you playing a commercial for women's perfume during football and during Repo Games?  If you're targeting the female demographic, you're doing it wrong...

- Chanel's use of hashtags.  '#Chanel No. 5' does not work as a hashtag.  You only get #Chanel if you do it that way.  Who is your social media manager?  They need to be fucked with a cactus...

Lastly, Brad:

He's not even relevant anymore.  He's Angelina Jolie's bitch, and the babysitter for 12 adopted kids.  He's a 90's icon, but it's now 2012...  Maybe Chanel's budget ain't what it used to be??

I'm enjoying the many spoofs popping up on the internet and on SNL.  Here's an example from Funny or Die:

What do you think?  Is this commercial 15 years past it's prime, or does this make you want to buy some overly-used, overly-expensive perfume?


Local Artist Spotlight - Davin Hanson

As most regular readers know, I have a regular hangout in town:  The Villa Coffeehouse.

I have observed the customers and poked fun at the odd ones.  I have talked about their ups and downs, but I have not yet mentioned one of my favorite things about this place:

The art.

Every month, The Villa features a local artist.  Some good, some not so good.  The artist fills the walls of the coffeehouse, and sometimes a piece or two gets sold.

As of October 1, I have been in Idaho Falls for two years.  I have seen over 20 artists come and go (some stay a little longer than scheduled) and I have never been as impressed as I have been with this month's featured artist:  Davin Hanson.

Locals, please go to The Villa by the end of the month to see his work for yourself.  Vivid colors and fantastic textures on every piece.  Not only does his art look good, but you can feel the emotion and the story behind the artwork.  I know art speaks different messages to different people, but you'll like what you hear from these pieces.

The art I currently have at home fit my decor, so we purchased it.  With Davin's art, I would decorate a room around one of his pieces.

For those of you not in Eastern Idaho, please go to Davin's website and be sure to check out his gallery.  His acrylic on canvas works are hanging in The Villa right now, and complement the atmosphere of the shop perfectly.

I'm not being paid for this post, so consider this a sincere review.  Also, consider this a promotion for both the artist and the coffee shop.

Go to The Villa.

Buy a latte and some pumpkin cheesecake.

Leave the baristas a fat tip, by voting for the 'vs' of the day.

Sit down and enjoy the art as well as the atmosphere.

And then contact Davin and purchase a pretty picture.  Just... don't take 'Possible,' the painting shown to the left.  I wants it, and am working on a way to get it.  As I mentioned, I'd decorate a room around a piece of his art, but Possible already fits the decor of my office.

"Oh yes," as Wayne said of Tia Carerre... "She will be mine..."


25 Days...

Yes, people, 25 more days.

25 days until election day, one guy wins, we have four years of mediocrity, and half the nation grumbles "if MY guy won, we'd be much better off!"

If Obama wins, conservatives will stop at nothing to block any legislation he passes, whether or not they agree with it.

If Romney wins, alcohol gets banned and we all have to wear magical underpants.

I know, I know, that's not actually Mitt's policy, but what is?  Time for specifics, Mittens, especially 3 weeks from election day.

Mitt still has a strong chance of winning this.  If he starts giving details and starts having opinions, it will either win him or lose him this election.

But at least we will know where he stands on issues.  I refuse to vote for a guy who says "we're going to make everything better!" without saying how.

25 days.  25 days until my Facebook can go back to normal, and you see a political rant once in a blue moon.  25 days where my hardcore left-and-right friends don't shun me for making fun of their candidates.


Everybody Loves Brandon (But The Feeling Is NOT Mutual!)

My life feels like an episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' lately.

Remember his parents who would just show up, sometimes with notice, most times without?

Meet my inlaws as of late.  They have always done it from time to time since we moved to Idaho, but this week has been especially bothersome.

You see, we are living in my girlfriend's grandmas's house.  We moved to Idaho as a last resort, because we were being evicted from our apartment in California.  This place was available, and we were offered the chance to live here rent-free while we got on our feet.

Once we got on our feet, we started paying rent.  Too much for this little place, and we agreed to have our rent raised too...  (We saw it as a 'catching up' form of payment:  Paying rent and a little extra for past favors...)

Our rent was paying for grandma's bills.  Mortgage, taxes, utilities, and her care at the old folks home, as well as some spending cash.  When the assisted living center raised their rates, our rent got raised as well.

They did us a favor, so we did it back by paying too much for too little.

But why does having family as your landlords BLOW??

They show up unannounced, at random times during the day.  My girlfriend and I sleep in the nude and sometimes have sex spontaneously and in odd areas of the house.  We walk around in the buff from time to time.

But the inlaws will show up randomly, knock on the door, and if it's unlocked just waltz on in.  If the door is locked, they'll peer in and go "HELLO..."

Good grief, people...

I'm surprised my mother-in-law hasn't seen 'The Full Brandon' yet...

This week has been even worse, as we are getting ready to sell this house.  Grandma needs some cash, so the house is going up on the market.

I may have bitched about this once before, but this place has wall-to-wall carpet.  INCLUDING THE BATHROOM AND THE KITCHEN.  Finally mom-in-law agreed to have the bathroom redone, so we went from shag carpeting to cheap vinyl.  But this (and other spruce-ups) mean people showing up at random hours.

"We'll be there at 2pm on Saturday" means you better be prepared for a knock on the door at 8:30am.  I was at the gym, but my girlfriend thankfully got dressed at 8:25.  If she was still nude, her stepdad would have just came in and saw her in all her glory...

Tuesday was the first day in four days where they didn't just show up.  We always knew they were coming, but they would never show up when planned... either hours early or hours late.

It's making me glad we're moving.  We're tempted to get a PO box and not tell them where we live...  Regardless, it will be nice to be in a place where they don't have instant access and can show up in a moment's notice.

These last 7(ish) days are making me very 'anti-people.'  I don't know if it's because they are getting on my nerves or if it's because everyone else in this town is an asshole, but I am feeling very anti-social.

If you need me, I'll be in the corner, in the dark, plotting the demise of douchebags everywhere.


Columbus Day Confusion

Today in the US, we celebrate the voyage Christopher Columbus made over 500 years ago.

An Italian man tried to sail to India and landed in The Bahamas.

...USA!  USA!  USA!

Confused?  So am I...

Yes, he helped discover 'the new world' for Europe, leading to conquest and the eventual founding of The United States, but come on, a holiday?

Columbus was a dumbass.  When he died at 54 he still thought he landed in Eastern Asia, so in fact, he didn't 'discover' shit.

Also on the dumbass list are a handful of my neighbors who are flying their American flags today.  There is nothing patriotic about this holiday, so unfurling a flag makes no sense at all...

Google's autofill shows me exactly how educated some people are, thinking Christopher Columbus discovered america or landed in america...

Yes, Trinidad is a part of 'North America' but we don't fly a North American flag, do we?  This isn't a national thing, so why is it a national holiday?

Because we're 'Murrica, dammit...

...and that's how we roll.

American Vintage Hard Tea - A Taste of Summer

A few weeks ago, I received an email from a representative from American Vintage Hard Tea.  They finally have distribution in my area and were looking for bloggers to test and review their product.

Free booze?  I'm in.

Their bio had a quote that really grabbed me.  "High Fructose Corn Syrup and 10-syllable flavor names aren't for us."  I drink their 'twisted' competition from time to time, and have never been a fan of polysyllabic nonsense in drinks (or food, for that matter).

Remember the Breyers Ice Cream Commercials from the 80's?  Yeah, it's like that.

I received the package last week; One can of each flavor.  The Hard Tea comes in 'With Lemon' and 'Half 'n Half' (half lemon, half tea).

I tried the Half 'n Half first.  I could smell the tea as I opened the can, and it actually smelled like fresh tea.  The other teas in the market smell more like dirty water (and taste the part too) but this smelled like the real deal.  Half-lemon was a bit too much, as it tasted more like a Mike's Hard Lemonade than a tea.  I could still smell the tea, but it didn't come out in the flavoring very well.

The /w Lemon was more up my alley.  I love tea, and I could taste it well in this can.  The hint of lemon and the light sweetness (with cane sugar, not that artificial junk) was a perfect blend.

That orange can won it for me.  It tasted like summer, and is probably going to make me try and squeak out one more turn at the barbecue before it gets too cold (already below-freezing at night... brrrrrrrr).

I'll be buying a 6-pack later this week.  If you'd like to try it, go to their facebook page and see where you can get it in your local area.  Especially if you're still in warm weather... enjoy the summer before it fades like it has in Idaho.


A Hunting I Will Go

For the first time ever, I am considering going hunting.

I'm not necessarily doing it for survival or for the trophy, but more for family bonding.

You see, my girlfriend's dad likes to hunt and he has been asking me for years.  I'm finally going to give in and go with him and his kids sometime this fall.

The main reason I'm going with them is because this is going to be a 'fair' fight.  We're not going to hide in a blind and put out deer food, we are actually going to go out in the middle of nowhere, camp, and hunt like a true hunter.

Well, fair is a relative term, but you know what I mean.

Years ago, I took a hunter safety course in California but I feel like I should take a refresher course. I don't own a gun, and I'm out of practice.
If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it right.  I'm going to familiarize myself with the rifle I'm going to be using, and work on cleaning, care, safety, etc.

With luck, I'll be able to do it with the in-laws, to make sure the kids are safe and secure as well (and to show them I'm no expert).

Are any of you hunters?  Do you have any advice?  Does elk taste yummy?  Please share any comments and stories below.

And-a hunting I will go...

Don't Fear The Yellow

Red means stop.

Green means go.

Yellow?  It all depends.  In California, it means GOGOGOQUICKHURRYBEFOREITTURNSRED, but in Idaho it means SLAM ON YOUR FUCKING BRAKES.

In the last week, I have almost rear-ended four people who see the light turn yellow and have to stop immediately.

Some are approaching the intersection and just don't want to rusk running the red light.  Ok, fine.  I understand that.  But if you're going 40 and are 5 feet from entering the intersection, a yellow light does not mean slam on your brakes like there's a kitten in the road.

This is how accidents happen, people.  The law states the person rear-ending is at fault in a collision, but it wouldn't surprise me if most of these accidents in town are by idiots who are afraid of a yellow light.

The best part of all is the weather.  We are at the 'below-freezing' level at night now, which means snow (and ice) on the roads is just around the corner.

Crash-capades, anyone?

I'm just glad I have good brakes and good insurance.  Because in this town, it's like people are trying to get hit...


The Fun of Naughty (from Danielle)

Halloween Nurse Sexy Costume

It's October and Halloween is creeping up quick. Time for Halloween parties and a guy's favorite eye candy (no pun indented!): sexy, revealing costumes. Attend any Halloween party in a night club or corner bar and you'll see a sea of naughty nurses and frisky schoolgirls. The naughty costumes are super popular because deep inside every woman has a naughty streak just waiting to explode.

Time to take the naughtiness to another level, we're talking kinky sex toys play in the bedroom. Don't worry, it's nothing too freaky, your grandmother won't totally spin in her grave. The tip coming is the silent sex toy, the one that's most often made fun of in movies and television shows. Think “Me, Myself and Irene” for example. We're talking naughty fun with a dildo.

Classy shops sell dildos meaning they are more socially acceptable to use in the bedroom then in decades past. Check out a family run sex shop that features a nice collection without naked women or anything smutty. It's amazing how they made dildos look so classy, so you can get an idea of what's available.

Many couples would not consider the dildo, they would go straight to a vibrator instead. There are a few reasons why dildos are a good choice. Yes they don't vibrate but the form can be very realistic, if there was to be a motor placed inside (think realistic vibrator) them this affects the realistic qualities of the material. She will notice a firm bulge inside the shaft so it takes away from the true to life experience. The point concluding here is that dildos will always feel more real then vibrator. Look at examples of realistic models here especially the style that's crafted from UR3, it's a real marvel of human imitation and perhaps even quite creepy with how real it looks.

Next feature to adore is how it's entirely waterproof, even though many vibes are, the little “O” ring covering the bottom case tends to let water seep in therefore using a vibe in the bathtub is never advised whereas your friendly fake penis can come into the tub with you allowing you to fully act out a very naughty sexual fantasy. Play together under the water, further instructions are not required as it would take this lesson deep into X rated category, but you get the point!

Thinking of these two qualities it's easy to reconsider this rubber phallic mold and know it's easy to play kinky in a more versatile way.  So when you're on your way home after the adult Halloween party and in a horny mood after seeing all those sexy ladies teasing you to no end, make sure to have a unmarked white box at your bedside ready to act out the frisky feelings inside with your personal naughty nurse!

*Sponsored post, from Danielle at*


How Romney Will 'Turn The Tide' in 2012

Thanks to the Birdman from Change the Topic for posting this on Facebook, and thanks to the infamous Lady E for texting that to me while I was driving.  I almost crashed, laughing so hard...

I have to admit, together those two make a formidable pair...