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Know Your Neighbor: The LDS (mormons)

I seem to be doing one mormon post per month, and the last one (Mormons vs Dinosaurs) was pretty popular.  I'm hoping this post keeps the trend alive, since my current poll shows y'all like to hear about the mormons...

The 'know your neighbor' theme is something I will be using to educate the masses on what kind of people you could find living next to you, if you choose to move to Idaho.  The last installment (link) covered meth heads.  The second largest group in my town (druggies being first...) would be the mormons.

I have met a lot of people in this town who are LDS.  Some of them are pretty cool.  I mentioned once before a badass intern who used to be at my office (she reads my blog.  Hi E.)  There are also a group of 'Jack Mormons' who drink, swear, and are pretty laid back, but still drink the Joseph Smith-koolaid.

I have also mentioned in previous posts (link) mormons who do not like anyone outside their own kind.  They judge you, avoid you, and shun you at every opportunity.  The link I just posted shows a mormon interviewer who turned me down for a job because I wasn't the right religion.  THOSE are the kooks I can't stand.  When I bash mormons, it's the closed-minded cultish brain-washed idiots I'm referring to.

When in Eastern Idaho, one thing to keep an eye out for are tin stars.  For some reason, these are extremely popular with the LDS crew, and adorn many-a-houses.  You can actually take a walk through a residential neighborhood and spot these metal monstrosities on one out of every three or four houses.  I'm willing to wager most of those are mormon residences.

My girlfriend is a scrapbooker.  She shops at all the major craft stores in town, and often times I accompany her (I'm masochistic, I know...).  There are 2 chain stores in town, and one local independent business.  Porter's Crafts usually has all the good stuff, but they are so damn LDS it isn't even funny.  I make sure to be as crass as possible when I go there.  I talk to my girl about beer, sex, and anything R rated I can come up with.  The sneers I get, not only from customers but employees, is hilarious.

And, of course, they're the tin-star hub of the town.  They have dozens of different sizes, colors, etc.  They even sell accessories for them!  If you want to have a seasonal star, you can decorate it with flower decals in the spring, stars-n-stripes for the 4th, and cornucopia images for Thanksgiving...

Oh, those crafty mormons...

If you actually venture into an LDS house, you will see two very distinct themes:  A lot of 'family-centric' wall decor and artwork, and the infamous 'live laugh love' saying, ad nauseum.  I don't know what it is about the LLL slogan.  I think it may be mormon code for 'shun the non-believers' or 'big brother is watching.'  Either way, it's overdone.

There are so many variations of the LLL slogan.  The picture to the left has more of a biblical description.  The most popular one is "Live life, laugh often, love much."  I'd like to propose this one:

Live like noone is looking and judging.

Laugh so hard you snort milk up your nose.

Love is good, but lust burns more calories.

Does that make me a bad person??

Lastly, you can tell an LDS household from most others by the size of their family.  Do they have 6 children, and the parents are only in their late 20's?  Odds are they are either mormon or catholic.

You can look for minivans in the parking lot, or one of the larger vans or small buses, a-la Jon and Kate or the Partridge Family.  A rule of thumb:  If the kids are energetic and mom & dad are yelling at them, they're probably catholic.  If the kids are walking in single file, carrying musical instruments, or just have an overall 'glazed-eye' look, you can put your money on LDS.

If you have such neighbors, proceed with caution.  But, then again, if you're on the same street as this family, they have already visited you, brought housewarming gifts, chatted your ears off, and tried to talk to you about The Book of Mormon.  They're persistent lil scamps.

This has been a public service announcement by My Own Private Idaho.  Any observations and opinions can be concluded as 100% fact.  With a pepper-spray in one hand and a cocktail in the other, you too can help repel pushy mormon neighbors.  Thank you, drive thru.
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35 witty retorts:

LilPixi said...

Super religious people scare the crap out of me! =(

Pickleope said...

I always thought those stars were just a statement of redneckness, and they were just self-identifying rednecks. I'll never look at white trash with bad decorating sense the same again.
Are there also those horrible stickers on the back of the van with stick figures representing each member of the family?

KrowOne said...

Haha, awesome, I don't like either of the sects! Especially Catholics!

Lady Estrogen said...

I really don't think I have the stomach to be around the Jo Smith drinkers. Did I tell you once 2 were walking down the street, probably not even going to talk to me, but I panicked, yelled "I'm Catholic!" and ran away... and yes, I'm aware that at that moment, I was the crazier one.

Dwija {House Unseen} said...

"If the kids are energetic and mom & dad are yelling at them, they're probably catholic. If the kids are walking in single file, carrying musical instruments, or just have an overall 'glazed-eye' look, you can put your money on LDS."

Yes! Hahahaha!!!! Our kids are always careening in front of moving cars and trying to get us to say our worst words. My LDS friends...their kids are all compliant and well-dressed. It's crazy!

Zombie said...

That same sign can be used for mexican family crossing. lol.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to very respectfully point out that you kinda come across as a wee-bit hypocritical here. You say Mormons are judgmental but it seems like your the one judging.

I love your blog and I commend you for having the balls to tackle something like religion. The great thing about Blogger is we're all different and we're all free to express our opinions.

And I'm not going to say, I didn't snicker at the Mormons Crossing pic!! said...

@MMW: Yeah I know I'm a bit judgmental, but a lot of these are kind of stereotypish yet true. I did a KYN about meth heads, and was probably painting with broad brushstrokes there as well.

It's mostly humor for humor's sake. I've already talked to 2 of my more laid-back LDS friends, and they were howling at the article. They each could name a dozen families that fit into this mold...

BigMike said...

My wife purchased and had me hang one of those tin stars in out kitchen...

Not the Hero said...

I for one was raised Mormon. I know the decor well. My mom scrapbooks. I have 3 siblings.

I know the hypocritical side of it too. As for you being hypocritical? Not so much, you never claimed to be nonjudgmental the way Mormons do.

My favorite Mormon joke: "Why do you always go fishing with 2 Mormons instead of 1?

Because if you go with one he'll drink all your beer.

Melanie said...

That was hilarious - loved the Mormon Crossing sign. I actually dated a Mormon when I was in high school. I never met his family, and his mother hated me because I wasn't one of them. It just wasn't meant to be...and I never would have fit in!

Asty said...

religion, lol

Kicking Rocks said...

wow you might actually guess my post of tomorrow =/ its comes close lmao!

Ally said...

oy religion. as you know, it is illegal to discriminate due to religion. i was once referred to as, "ahh pizan" (almost like a white person calling a black stranger, "ah my n-word") in an interview by a german vp at a HUGE ad agency in nyc. needless to say, i wasn't hired. to this day, i wish i had documented it.

Josie said...

You know the mini-vans that the put the decals on so that every member of the family is represented??? Have you seen the ones where they even have the family pet??? Whenever I see those I wonder what happens when Rover gets smashed by the garbage truck. Do they peel off the decal? If they do, what would happen if one of their kids died?

That's just something I've always wondered. Haha.

Handflapper said...

Mormons just fascinate me. I'm just. . .What? Really??? No way!!!

But I'm like that about all religion.

Chunky Mama said...

OK, the Mormon crossing sign totally did me in. I am laughing alone in my office like a moron.
Thanks!! :)

Random Girl said...

It was a great post, but is it wrong that I love your disclaimer at the bottom the best?? That was greatness! Cocktail in one hand....fist bump with the other Idaho!

Anonymous said...

@ Lost - It WAS funny!

@ Not the Hero - Too-shay!! Loved your comment! I guess you got me on a technicality. Lost never did claim to be non-judgmental!!

Cheeseboy said...

Okay, I am an active LDS man that apparently breaks all the stereotypes.

I only have two kids with zero plans for more.
I HATE BYU. Can't stand that place. I am a huge Utah fan.
I have no desire to put up tin stars in my house.
My house has zero sign of Mormony handicrafts or lame signs.
My wife is ultra-hot and does not wear goofy dresses.
I actually have a sense if humor.

I wouldn't consider myself a "Jack-Mormon", but swearing doesn't bother me. In fact, I bet if we hung out, we'd have a great time.

Anyway, funny stuff. If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at. And those Mormons that may read this and get offended are exactly the Mormons that you are talking about in the first place, right?

See you at church, brotha!


Underground Dude said...

There were some distant cousins in our family that were hardcore J.S.K.A. drinkers. They also did the whole undergarment thing...I only met them once at a family reunion. I was only ten and proclaimed they were the crazy ones in the family during the buffet line.

Xenototh said...

Pepper-spray? Aren't you being a tad bit too nice? :P said...

@Cheeseboy: WOO! You sound like a cool dude to the core. When people are people first, and don't let their religion define them, they're usually ok.

I am Brandon. It doesn't matter what day I go to church, or if I go at all. It doesn't matter what foods I do and do not eat. I'm me.

Major, major props to you. *brofist*

Rob said...

Oh those silly Mormons.

D4 said...

Dude, you make it sound like Mormon kids have no soul. The only correct way to be a child is to argue with your parents. A lot.

Astronomy Pirate said...

I don't think the tin star thing is strictly Mormon, there are plenty of houses around here with them, mostly rural. I think it just happens to be a coincidence that they are popular in an area dominated by Mormons. But they are still kinda stupid.

Anyways, noticed the new template, it really threw me off at first, ha.

Anonymous said...

Okay fine, I can no longer keep myself quiet... LMAO..

Make sure you know what is in those instrument cases, you may have Mormons mistaken for the mob.

Not all the tin stars are mormon, I found a lot in northern Idaho where the mormon population is just lacking. I find those things sooooo annoying. They are gaudy and just dumb.

What you don't understand about the minivan or suv... it is jokingly called the M.A.V. in LDS culture. M.A.V. stands for Mormon Assault Vehicle. I think you can attribute the glazed look to the Bible bashers and not the Mormons. Idaho is not as one religioned as you might belive. You should try Utah for true Mormon dominance.

Love your triple L... It reminds me of my husband's play on the Families are Forever slogan - Families are forever doing laundry.

You must have missed the Mormon homes with the Jesus and Temple pictures on every wall. Not bashing it I am just saying.

I hate the toll painted signs... Does that make me a non believer?

I find your blog funny because I see too many of the closed minded cultish holier than thou idiots... sadly they are the most visible Mormons out there. The majority of us are laid back, normal, just trying to survive this life, friendly neighborhood greeting committee. Joking about the last part.

I have found it difficult to hide from Mormons as I move. Especially when I was trying to hide. They can smell their own.

Choirchick22 said...

Hahha as always I love your Mormon posts. I haven't seen the star thing here in my Mormon town. They all have pictures of Jesus plastering their walls here. And Temple pictures.

Shutterbug said...

I've noticed you've changed your blog layout! I like it very much! Great job! :)

Anonymous said...

Is it wrong that I prefer the 3 S's?
Sex-fuck did I mention that already?

I don't understand anyone who is religious to the extreme where they then judge others---isn't that the exact opposite of what religion teaches? Then again what do I know...I love premarital sex, cursing, blowjobs, drinking, and impure thoughts. Suppose I'm damned to an afterlife in hell...ohat least it'll be fun!


Mynx said...

Love the new look, and although I know next to nothing about Mormons, I was once married in a catholic church and I really dont have a lot of time for organised religion. That said, I respect everyones choices, just dont knock on my door and try to push your choice on me.
I know where you are if I need you ok?

Virgil said...

Looks like I'm the big 601! Hi neighbor, I'm from Utah and I love this post! Love your blog in general.:)

Although I'm sure you and I are quite different with our views on life it's awesome for me to see such an awesome blog from a guy in my neck of the woods!

Rock on man!\w/

Heather said...

This was a very entertaining post, I also appreciate (I'm NOT mormon) how you specify which ones you dislike rather than a generalized stereotype.A lot of people don't have the respect for others like you do. Thank you.

Natalee Wells Gressman said...

I have to say I am mormon, and I never understood the star fad. Don't have the Live, Laugh, Love on my wall. I live in Meridian, and no one else on my street is Mormon, so I wouldn't be able to talk to anyone if I had the mindset that you can only hang out with Mormons.

Savory Spice said...

I do live on a street with 5 mormon families in Idaho. Four are very nice and neighborly and one is a little crazed -- told us numerous times how virtuous and rightous he is only to find out from one of our other mormon neighbors that this family doesn't have too much parental supervision and the children end up constantly at their house to be fed, told to do their homework, play etc. This other family seemed a little resentful about this but can't say anything because they are in the same ward. I chalk it up to some people being a little nutty and some aren't -- regardless of religion. The ones who tell me how wonderful they are and judge and look down upon our family because we aren't LDS or Catholic etc. are the ones I stay clear of because I know God is our judge and not another human, as we are all fallen.

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