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The X-Hose - Prepare to Giggle!

I was watching TV late last night when I saw this infomercial:

I couldn't stop laughing.  I just kept thinking 'this hose is a grower, not a shower...

...just like me!'

Yes yes, Condi.  It shrinks.  You can fit a 75 foot hose in the palm of your hand!

And then turn it on, and watch it grow to full, behemoth size!

I mean, come on, how can you NOT have penis jokes with this kind of product?

I'm tempted to purchase this, just so I can say 'my hose is cooler than your hose' on a regular basis...

But then again, it's hard (hahaha) to trust anything you see on an infomercial.  Those products are usually worthless...

(and, of course, how can this NOT be my Dude Write submission for the week??)


Tales from the Hotel Room: My TV Remote Looks Like A Dildo

As always, I'm on the road...

(...I love my job...)

I'm staying at a new hotel in Southern Utah, and they have a really neat remote control.  It's called the Clean Remote:

The Clean Remote is designed to be easily disinfected, which is fantastic for a hotel room.  A study on Fitness Health 101 shows that the TV remote is one of the dirtiest areas in the hotel room (along with doorknobs and the bedside light switch).  The fact that these can be easily sanitized are a BIG plus.

Best of all, it has a 'sleep timer' button, which not all hotel remotes have.  I like to fall asleep with the TV on, but I don't want the TV on all night.  Sleep timers = Win.

However, I noticed one interesting thing:

From the back, this remote control looks like... well... it should a 'vibrate' function...

Thinking about this remote control being doubled as a dildo made me wonder if they TRULY sanitized this thing before I touched it...

Luckily, I bring along plenty of hand sanitizer with me.  I shake a lot of hands on the road, and you never know who is germy or sick...

...or if the last occupants in my hotel room shoved the remote control up their ass...


I Had Motherfucking Buffalo For The First Time And Now I Can't Stop Fucking Cursing

Do you remember my post about the cleanmeter?

(It's ok, go read it.  I'll wait...)

Well, this fucking post is going to break the cleanmeter...

Although I have been living in the 'kill your own meat' region of the US since October 2010, I have yet to try Elk, Buffalo, Venison, Rabbit or any other meat considered 'exotic.'

...until last week...

I went to Jackson on business, and, well, I was done with my day about 2 hours earlier than expected.  Worse, I was with a vendor rep.

So, yeah.  A little disheartening.

But I'm Mister Bright-Side.  We decided to make the best of our evening and hit up the best steakhouse in Jackson Hole, the Gun Barrel Steakhouse.  It was a great atmosphere, with fantastic liquor.

...oh yeah, and good food too.

While we were waiting to order, there was a loudmouth cowboy.  I swear to you his name was Tex (or should have been).

A fairly accurate depiction...
"I want a fucking STEAK!" said Tex, loud enough for half the restaurant to hear.  When the waiter took his order, it was "I want the fucking buffalo prime rib, with the best fucking bourbon you have!"

I loved it.  Apparently buffalo makes you curse like a madman. of course I had to try the buffalo prime rib...

Actual photo of my food.
I was amazed when I LOVED it.  I was expecting something gamey or tough.

It was fucking bliss.

Like heaven in my fucking mouth.

...and now I can't stop cursing...


I guess the fucking bright side is now I can properly wear a gigantic belt buckle with my jeans.  This means I may be more liked with my Montana customers...

But back to the buffalo steak, it was fucking fantastic.  If bison are going to be the new 'cow,' I am more than fine with that.

And of course, I highly recommend the Gun Barrel if you're ever in Jackson.  This isn't a sponsored post.  They're not paying me for it (but for over $100 for the two of us, they fucking should be...) so this is completely sincere.

...Fucking A.


Send In The Clowns? Not In Idaho Falls.

It's true, it's true.  Idaho Falls does not like clowns.

Well, it's not as simple as that, but it never is...

Idaho Falls has its annual 4th of July Parade coming up, and there will be no clowns at the event.

You see, the clowns use golf carts to hold the candy they pass out, as well as store the various magic tricks they do along the parade route.  There is a ban on golf carts for parade use, and now the city is enforcing it.

According to a recent news article, their reasoning is 'if we let the clowns use them, then we have to let everyone use them.'

(Wow, I haven't heard that line since I was chewing gum in my 4th grade classroom.  The next day, I brought enough gum for the rest of the class, so I can chew in peace... and got detention...)

This will be the first time Idaho Falls will be 'clown-less' in 29 years.  Even though the clowns provide their own golf carts and are fully insured, it's a liability thing. guess is someone on the Chamber of Commerce just doesn't like clowns, and has been trying to do this for years...

What's next?  Imposing a ban on Fez's, so the Shriners go away as well?

Beep beep, bitches...

Now, the 4th in Idaho Falls is a big thing.  I did a post last year on their fireworks show, touted as 'the biggest fireworks celebration west of the Mississippi river.'  It is hosted by local business owner and super-villain philanthropist Frank Vandersloot, so the show is not without controversy.

However, people come from hundreds of miles away to see this show.  It is a prime example of America's love for blowing shit up our country.

Of course, local businesses are capitalizing on our need to barbecue, drink gallons of soda/beer, and picnic to our hearts' content.  Take this beer display at Walmart for example:

'Murrica.....  FUCK YEAH!!!
Well, 'tis the season I guess.  As for me, I'm going to a baseball game on the 4th.  I'll be passing on the parade, mourning for the clowns, and celebrating my freedom by not giving a damn.

...and probably wearing this shirt... (because I can)


So I Think I'm Engaged...

Looking at the title, you're probably thinking:  "But Brandon, you either are or your not... what's the confusion?"

Well, it's more complicated than that, and it has always been complicated in this relationship.

Do you know the saying 'You can't be half-pregnant... You either are or you're not'?  Well, in this relationship, we would find a way.

It's just that odd.  But it works.

It started on Father's Day weekend.  We had a lot of driving to do (and I had enough 'frequent renter' points) so I rented a car.  Enterprise surprised me with an upgrade from super-compact to this:

For the weekend, we were driving around in a Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder convertible, with upgraded engine, sound system, and all the perks.  The rental company looked at me, smiled, and said "Happy Father's Day."  I was thrilled.

Later that day, we went out for breakfast.  We had to wait FOREVER due to an unexpected rush of customers.  Because of that, they comped our meal.

...what the shit...

It was then and there that I announced "Well, good things come in 3's.  If number 3 comes, I'm unstoppable.  I'm asking for a threesome, I'm buying lottery tickets, I'm ruling the world!"

My girlfriend just smiled and giggled.

At the end of the day, we were driving home, when she spoke up:

Her:  "Baby?"

Me:  "Yeah?"

"Let's get married..."

"What, like right now??"

"No, just soon.  We'll do the big thing for everyone else later, I just want to get married..."


And like that, I think she proposed to me.  We have talked about marriage plans (we're hosting the bar) for years, as well as kids (we don't want any) and kids' names (Frodo IndianaJones if we had a boy...) so this is no shock.  Just... I thought I was going to be doing the proposing.

The main reason I haven't done it yet is because I want to do this one right.  With my ex wife, I purchased a sad looking ring (similar to the picture) and did a bad job proposing.

We were in the 'lets get stoned all the time' phase, and living with a slutty-virgin roommate that looked like Julia Roberts' younger hotter twin.  When 'Julia' and I weren't busy playing 2-person strip poker (while my ex worked), the 3 of us would smoke pot and wax poetic.

One night, when we were high, Julia goes into her room to scream at her boyfriend on the phone.  Ex and I are sitting around, and I had the ring in my pocket.  With our roomie shouting and cursing, I handed my ex the ring and said "here you go, you don't have to wait any longer..."

Boom.  Mister Romantic, I know.

That's why I wanted this time to be different.  I want a better ring.  I want a better proposal.  I have 3 ideas in my head, and it was just a matter of timing.

...I'm probably still going to do it.  The ring, the romance, the memories.  But I think it may happen after the wedding?

We'll see.  There's no date set (and we haven't discussed it since that night) so I may still have time to do it right.  Besides, if that was #3 in the 'good things come in 3's' trilogy, why haven't I had my threesome yet???


Father's Day Despair

Father's Day 2012 has come and gone, and I feel like shit.

It's mostly of my own doing, but that doesn't change the fact that I had a major depression attack this weekend.

You see, I'm in Idaho.  I wasn't able to make it down this year for Father's Day, and it really didn't hit me until I was on the phone with my kids.

My youngest says "Happy Father's Day, daddy."  I thank him, and tell him I love him.  A few seconds later, he asks:  "It's Father's Day.  Why aren't you here with us for Father's Day?"

And just like that.

Hit by a truck.

I'm still struggling to recover.

Compared to Father's Day last year, I feel I am in a better place.  I have a stable, decent-paying job.  I can pay child support now, and (slowly) catch up from the better-part-of-a-year where I couldn't pay. However, I'm car-less.  I'm struggling to count my pennies (do I save up for a new car or see my kids?  I can't really do both...) and things just feel like they aren't getting better.  I'm still 900+ miles away, and don't see them as often as I need to.

I'm better off than I was, but the label 'deadbeat dad' still looms over me...

I moved to Idaho because of crippling finances.  I've been with my current 'day job' for a year now (Thursday is the 1-year mark), and have been looking at the light at the end of the tunnel for pretty much a year.

I keep walking, keep plodding along... and the light never gets closer.  Always in sight, always a lure to keep pressing on, but never close enough to break through and bask in the light again.

I need to get back on my own two feet.  I need to get financially stable where I can rebuild my life AND see my children.  Phone calls are nice and keep me in their mind, but I need to see them.  Hug them.  Kiss them.  Be present for them.

That, and my ex has a shitty phone.  I can barely understand them when I call her (and she doesn't have internet at home, so Skype isn't an option).

I need to get out of this darkness before it consumes me.  I refuse to succumb, I refuse to stop fighting, but with every day, fatigue builds.

Are there any other dads out there that have gone through a similar situation?

What did you do?

How did you manage?

How did you keep conjuring up the strength to keep pushing, keep fighting, keep from just giving up?

...I could really use an 'ah-ha' moment right now...


The Book of Idaho - Book One: In the Beginning

After much anticipation (mostly by me), my eBook "The Book of Idaho" is finally here and ready for mass consumption.

You can download it for your Kindle, Nook, iPad, phone or any other e-reader on Smashwords for $1.99

Included in the book is the best of the best for My Own Private Idaho - Year One.  You'll get 21 posts covering:

- About the Author (where you get to learn a little more about me)
- Life in Idaho (all the fun stuff, I promise)
- MORMONS!!!  (!!!!!)
- Funny Idaho Laws (and what happens when I break some of them)
- and, of course, General Silliness

If you've been following this blog for a while now, some of these will be 'oldies but goodies.'  If you haven't read all 520+ of my posts, odds are you're going to find some new (and enjoyable) material in here.

Either way, it's great summer reading, and a great way to share some humor and light-heartedness with friends and family.

Go now! 

...and thank you for your love and support.


Cards For Assholes - Parenting & Parking Edition

I absolutely hate it when I'm in a parking structure, at a mall, etc and can't find a parking spot.

Oh there are spots available, but that jerk in the lifted truck decided he needed two spots.

In Idaho, this happens all the time.  You can't see parking lines when it's snowing, so you do the best you can.  But in spring?  Summer?  There's no excuse.

Yet you never see these guys getting tickets for their ass-hattery.  What can you, as a citizen, do?

Stick it to them with some snark.

Introducing Cards for Assholes!  You can purchase these 1" x 3" 'skinny' cards on zazzle by the 20-pack, and show your distaste for their half-assed parking job!

On a good day, I could pass out 5 of these.  I think a 20-pack will go rather quickly.

But it's not just bad drivers!  You can stick it to the shitty parents as well!

I have a Facebook friend at Disneyworld right now, and he wished for something like this to pass out to the negligent parents on their iPhone, while their kids run amok.  (Think Bebe's Kids of the 21st century...)

These also come in a 20-pack, and I could easily burn through half of them during an afternoon at the local mall... or the park.  Or the grocery store.

The packs are $9.95 for 20 cards.  Think of it as fifty cents for every time you want to give your two cents...

What do you think?  Are there any other scenarios where a card like this would come in handy?  Look for these designs (and soon to be more) at my zazzle shop.



In Eastern Idaho, you see a lot of 'lopes' around, mounted on peoples' walls or in their dens.

Antelope are by far the most popular, but a close second?

The Jackalope.

Yes, part jackrabbit, part antelope, this critter can be found in tourist shops and homes of the elderly almost everywhere in Idaho.  I have never seen one alive, but I have seen my fair share of stuffed Jackalopes being shown proudly by their owners.

Another odd 'lope' of the internet persuasion is:

Pickleope.  He happens to be part antelope, part gherkin.  More rare than the Jackelope (since he's one of a kind) and slightly more briny, these two got me thinking... What other kind of 'lopes' are out there?  And if they're not, what should we put a pair of antlers on and make a lope of our own?

For example, there are thousands of lolcats on the internet already.  Why not make an antlered version?

Lolcatalope?  Lolalope?  Help me think of a good name....  trashcatalope?

And if we do cats, why not dogs as well?  This fantastic corgilope also comes with the additional OMGWTFLAZORZ upgrade.

Beware when he shoops da whoop.

Snakealope?  Or are they scary enough without the antlers?  Fangs and horns seems a little bit much... Even Darwin would go "nope, no no no... too much of an advantage..."

And, of course, why should we be limited to limited things?  Why not put some antlers on inanimate objects?

....I have no idea how this would actually work, function-wise... but maybe it just sits on a coffee table as a conversation starter?

"Hey Esther, that's an interesting dongalope you have there..."

What do you think?  If you could stick antlers on something, what would you pick, and what would you call it??


My eBook is Coming - Wanna Advertise In It?

It's coming!

On June 15th, no less.  Global Wind Day.

Lets hope it doesn't blow.  (like the wind, get it?)

(I promise the book is better than that joke...)

I'm putting the final touches on the eBook and it will be going live on Friday, June 15th.  It will be available on Smashwords (and probably on Amazon) for $1.99.  At just under 10,000 words, it's a great deal.

And for bloggers and other viewers, I am giving you a chance to advertise on it.

As I mentioned, I was thinking of having a blogroll of sorts (probably called "Recommended Reading," depending on who is interested) as a Preface.  If you are interested, here are the details:

- I'm at 100,000 views a month now on the blog (trending upward), so I'm hoping SEO and word of mouth is going to make this fairly popular.
- Ad space on this blog sells for $6-12 per week, and this is going to be a permanent fixture in this book from Day 1 onward.
- A text ad with a link to the site of your choice will sell for $20, and space is limited.  I'm hoping to keep it to one to two ePages, so I'm not looking for too many people.

If interested, please email me at  Thanks for the consideration, and don't forget to buy the book!


Do You Like Zombies? (OF COURSE YOU DO!)

I like Zombies.

You like Zombies.

BLOGGERS EVERYWHERE like Zombies...  I mean, come on... look how often we write about them.

I've finally drank the kool-aid, and penned a Zombie post.  (can I be in the cool kids club now??)  You can see it over at Naked Girl in a Dress.

Go show her blog some love, and comment on my Zombie nonsense!  Kelly was one of the bloggers who, when I started writing, set the bar for me.  I looked at her blog and went "ooooh, I hope I can write as well as her some day..."

And now I'm guest posting for her.  Huzzah! what are you still doing here?  Go!  Now!

**Comments disabled on this post.  Go comment over there today!**


The Rise and Fall of The Villa Coffeehouse (and what small businesses can learn from them)

(Edit:  The owner of the Villa has seen this post and responded in a comment.  Be sure to read the entire conversation below to get the full story)

One of my more regular hangouts (when I'm actually in town) is The Villa Coffeehouse.  It's in 'historic' downtown Idaho Falls, and is an independently-owned business with a fantastic environment.

The Villa has been the subject of an early observations post and is where I do a lot of writing.

This means I have seen the flow of traffic over the last 18 months.  I talked to the old owner on a regular basis, and I chat with the new owners from time to time.

I'm considered a 'regular' and have helped them with business-building ideas from time to time.  Like any good entrepreneur, the first bit of advice is always free.

When the new ownership took over, there was a lot of excitement on both sides of the counter.  The customers were excited to see what new life would be injected into the business, and the baristas were hoping for more foot traffic (and more stability in their jobs).

Sadly, business looks on and off to me.  As I am writing this, I am one of 7 customers here, and it's still considered "lunch rush" time.  Traffic is stagnant because they're not drawing in the business.

Conversely, there is now only one barista that has been employed here for more than 60 days.  Three (of their core of four) have left in the last 2 weeks.

One moved to Boise.  Legitimate excuse to leave.

Another left because "it fucking sucks here" and she wants to go back to school.

The third left because financial ends were not being met, and getting a bump in pay wasn't going to happen.  She left for greener pastures, and I wish her well.

That leaves one girl who knows what she's doing, along with a bunch of coffee-newbs.  Customers are noticing this mass-exodus and are considering fleeing as well.  I can't wait to see what happens to this place in the next 3-6 months...

So...  what would I have done differently, and what would I recommend to small businesses everywhere?

Marketing:  It shouldn't be a scary word...

First and foremost, I would make sure that there is enough personnel to handle the day-to-day business.

The Villa recently decided to open on Sundays, and are now open evenings on 4 nights (used to be 7-4 Mon-Sat).  This meant the business was open an additional 22(ish) hours, yet their employee count remained the same.

It's always better to have a 'spare' employee when you're working in the foodservice industry.  If one person calls in sick or quits unexpectedly, you can handle it without a spare.  If multiple employees do, you're screwed.

Secondly, if you're going to expand hours of operation, make sure you fill those hours.  On a recent Thursday, I was at The Villa from 3pm until closing at 8.  Besides the one barista working, I was the only one there.  No need to be open those extra hours if nobody is coming.

So let's fill the place, shall we?

Since over 60% of Americans go to Starbucks at least once a month, you are probably aware of the "hot in the morning, cold in the evening" promotion 'Da Bucks' has been doing lately.  Buy a hot coffee in the morning, get a discount on a cold drink in the evening.  It reminds people "Yes, we're open in the evening as well.  Come get a Frappuccino" and it works.  It's good for business.

Evening events at least once a month would be fantastic.  There is a lot of "hang out" space to utilize, so turn this place into a social hot-spot.

Lastly, know your surroundings.  It is 86 degrees outside right now.  Not a good time to be a coffee shop.  Promote iced drinks, italian sodas, blended drinks and the like.  Snowcone booths are open and doing well, which means extra competition.  Now is the time to focus on smoothies (and not soups or steamers).

As a small business owner, you need to be engaged in your business.  Make sure you grow or shrink based on traffic flow.  If business is slow, you need to shave off 'dead' hours or promote promote promote.  Marketing can't be a 4-letter word.  Most importantly, retain your good employees.  If you don't treat your employees right, another employer will.  One of the girls that left was the best latte maker of the bunch.  Without being too unreasonable, I would have tried to keep her if I could.  A coffee shop is only as good as their coffee, and their coffee is only as good as the baristas serving it.  $1-2 an hour more to keep someone who pulls perfect shot after perfect shot of espresso sounds like a bargain to me.

Good luck, Villa.  You still have my business while your doors remain open, but the empty echo in here is beginning to get on my nerves....  I hope to see this place packed to the gills with happy patrons soon!


Civil Courts Aren't Exactly Designed for the Little Guy

Over 8 months after my car's engine fused together (thanks to a bad repair job) and countless lawyer consultations, confusing trials and nail-biting, a judgement has been rendered in my lawsuit.

NOT in my favor.

Quick recap:  Radiator cracked in Montana.  Got it fixed at a Ford dealership.  6 days later their radiator failed and destroyed my engine.  They said "not their problem."  I sued.

And the judge agreed with them.  It's not their problem.

If I knew it was hopeless, I would have scraped together money for a replacement car by now, instead of renting vehicles in the hopes for reimbursement.

But I guess that's not their problem either.  And I should have known better than to sue a major business (and their high-powered, high-cost attorneys) on a budget like mine.

There's screwed and then there's royally boned.  I feel like I'm in the latter category right now.

I refuse to stay down for long.  Time to pick up the pieces and try to recover.

Trying to think of ways to pay for attorney/rental/get-a-car-again costs, I decided (like a lot of other bloggers do) to write a book.

I promise the idea didn't start like this:

What better thing for me to write about than what I blog about?

Coming soon to an eReader near you, I would like to present The Book of Idaho.  It will be a collection of 21 "Greatest Hits" plus maybe a little extra.

If I make it, would you be interested?  Or will it be a flop?  99 cent eBooks are all the rage, so why not give it a shot?

For those of you that have published your own, do you have any advice to share?

For example:  Pictures or no pictures?

This book is designed to entertain, so let me know what you would like to see in it.  Bonus content?  The best of the best? More Mormons?  Less Mormons?

Finally:  Other bloggers.  eReaders allow links, and I was thinking about adding a 'sponsored' blogroll into the book.  "If you liked these stories, you'll LOVE _________"  That blank space could be you.  If I sold ad space in my book, would you be interested??

With luck (and maybe some celebrity endorsements) this will help me get back on track, and into reliable transportation.   Stay tuned!


My Unsolicited Review of the Dollar Shave Club

I am a man.

And like other men, I shave.

In fact, I like to shave.

When I do, I make sure it is as awesome an experience as it can be.

Think 'Godzilla vs Las Vegas' awesome.  Yeah, that's how I shave.

So when the Dollar Shave Club's youtube video went viral, I paid attention.

I ordered them almost instantly, but had to wait in line due to demand.

Well, they came this week.  I've used them, and here is my review:

I've used them all.  Schick, Bic, Gilette, and a few off-brands.  I'm currently using the Gillete Fusion razors, but I don't like:

- The Price
- The Straight-Edge blade on the back (doesn't work well, waste of money)
- And the hoops you need to jump through to buy them at the store (security tags SUCK)

I have tried all the brands because of "The Tester."  I have a mole on my left cheek that catches on cheap blades.  Schick's shit catches that mole every time, and I bleed like a motherfucker.

So, Dollar Shave Club.  You're easier to purchase, and overall less expensive.  Your marketing campaign is badass.  But will you pass my test?

The package arrived Tuesday with a welcome kit.  It included a handle, my first pack of blades, and an "Official Member" card for my wallet.

It claims to be able to get me free drinks.  (So far no drinks, but a few brofists...  Good enough for me.)

I waited until I was nice and scraggly, and tested these bad boys out.

And you know what?  They shave really really well.  I'm impressed.

In fact, I'm hooked.  This is now my blade of choice.

Sorry, Gilette.  You and your 20,000 blades, vibrating handles and expensive commercials can suck it.  I'm a Dollar Dude now.

Click to enlarge
I am using the 4x, which as you can guess, has 4 blades.  I downsized from 5 to 4 and didn't notice a difference in my shave quality at all.

For those that believe bigger is better, you can get the 6-blade "Executive."  At $9/mo, it's still way cheaper than the store-brand blades...

If I had to think of any negative part, it's that I don't use a cartridge a week.  Yet I'm getting 4 blades a month when I only need 2 or 3 (even with some minor manscaping, 4 is just too much).

What I may do is keep my membership for 6 months, stockpile a year's worth of razors, then take 6 months off.  Rinse and repeat.

Do YOU shave?  Of course you do.  Go check out Dollar Shave Club, see if it makes sense for you, then give it a try.  They're not paying for me to talk about the product, but it's awesome enough to warrant this post.

GO!  NOW!  You'll be glad you did.