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7/11/11

My Own Private Utah

In order to achieve the full feel of this post, please let this music play in the background as you read:


I spent the last week visiting Utah for work, and I have to say.... Idaho seems pretty tame by comparison.

And yes... I said it.  I mean it.  As much as I snark and rant about Idaho, the weird locals, the funny culture differences, and the mormon majority, Utah takes the cake when it comes to oddities.

Firstly let's address the video, which should be playing in the background.  My new job has me visiting pet stores, feed stores, hardware stores, etc.  THIS song, Dueling Banjos, was overheard two different times in two stores over the course of two days.  No joke.  If it isn't this song playing, it's some bluegrass nonsense, with the banjos plucking and the autoharp wailing.  Oddly enough, the twang being pumped through the speakers  fits perfectly with the twang coming out of the locals' mouths.

Mullets are back in season, as well as people with the slow, whiskey-induced drawl.  "You ain't from 'round these here parts... are ya?"  I tell them I'm from Idaho, and I get sneered at.  Which is funny, because I get those same sneers in Idaho when I tell people I'm from California.

The best part?  Utah is usually associated with Mormons, but I'm not talking about the LDS crazies right now.  I think all the mormons moved north to Idaho, to escape the Utah crazies.  And believe me, I can understand why.

Just having to deal with people in the stores is bad enough.  When you get on the road it's even worse.  Everyone is out to get everyone else, and cars are weapons.  An out of state license plate isn't like a target on your car.  People don't care about that in Utah.  Here, it's Me vs. The World, and all you are is in someone else's way.

Crazy is everywhere in this state, including its government.  A recent law was passed abolishing happy hours at Utah bars, because drinking specials could lead to excessive drinking, drinking and driving, date rape, child molestation, and OH MY GAWD THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!!

My response to this law... what bars?  I spent three days in Utah last week, and couldn't find a single hangout spot worthy of my attention.  Oh well.

Run!  I hear banjo music!
When it was finally time to escape from the looney state, I was glad to leave.  I ended up seeing a few good customers, but my overall opinion on Utah was "so-so place to visit, just not for long."  I'm sure there are good things about the state (national parks, for example) but when you're there on business, it's hard to find any pleasure on the trip.

It feels odd to say this, but.... huaaa.... errr.....  I was GLAD to get back to Idaho.  (ugh, that felt weird)

So, Utahans / Utes / Whatever you call yourselves... if you read my blog, please fill me in:  What is there to do in Utah?  I'm going to be back down there in about a month (SLC area), and would like to try and enjoy my stay next time...

Thanks in advance.
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22 witty retorts:

J.Day said...

My BFF did a short stint at BYU, and was nearly villified as she wore *gasp* tank tops and shorts.

Ally said...

My aunt lived in Utah for a while. She said whenever she bought a can of diet coke or a coffee, people would frown - no caffeine allowed. She also said they were the worst drivers. My husband was big into skiing. He would always say Utah had the best skiing. I think.

Pickleope said...

There's plenty to do...like...uh...opposing marriage equality?

Canadianbloggergirl said...

Never been to Utah, would like to some day just to say I've been and seen.

CBG
canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

D4 said...

Glad to be back in Idaho? You're changing. Don't blame Utah!

Melanie said...

I'm thinking that all there really is to do in Utah is be a crazy Mormon. And the Great Salt Lake. That is all I can think of. Also, do you think the mullet actually ever went out of style there? I think not.

Byakuya said...

Haha the music really added some depth to the post.

I wish I could say what goes on in Utah but I've been there once and it seemed pretty boring to me too =3

Josie said...

There is nothing to do in Utah. I've lived here my whole life and there really is absolutely nothing to do.

And you still would have gotten the glares if you would have said you were from California.....

Haven said...

Mullets? Really? Nooooooooooooo! Worst fashion statement ever. Lack of fashion statement. Awful. What a horrible experience, hahaha.

The Minute Man's Wife said...

It sounds like you're living in a version of my own personal hell. Good luck!

Hmmm. Maybe you should open a beer stand? You know, like a lemonade stand just more awesome.

Visions of you kicked back in a lawn chair sipping beer through a straw while some tightly clothed hottie funnels beers through her cleavage...

Lost.in.Idaho said...

@MMW: Is that an offer? :p

Zombie said...

the music added a nice little touch to it! lol.

A Beer for the Shower said...

Finally, a place I can grow out a mullet and feel like I'm "one of the crew!"

Sunny & Star said...

I do NOT like mullets.

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The Onion Gypsy said...

lol to beer for the shower. never been to idaho so love your blog and info :)

Thank, Q said...

Finally! A place that sounds worse than Mississippi! At least you can drink around here. Up until ten years ago, there was no such thing as "Last Call" in my city. We could club with a drink in hand until the sun came up. Ah, those were the days. How do you ban Happy Hour? It's called Happy Hour! It makes people happy! That blows. No wonder everyone who's ever played for the Jazz except Stockton and Malone have tried to leave there.

Cheeseboy said...

You are hanging in the wrong places. There are plenty of cool bars/hangouts in Salt Lake. Here are a few of mine:

1. Brevies - This is a movie theater that you can watch movies, eat and - gasp - even drink beer! There are large light boards on the side of the screen that you can see when your food is ready.

2. Fiddler's Elbow - This is my favorite bar/grill in Salt Lake City. Great food and I hear a variety of beer. It's in Sugarhouse.

There are other really cool bars in Salt Lake. I'd have to ask my cool non-mormon friends to remember what the best ones.

You need to find someone cool and someone that drinks in Salt Lake City. They will show you that it is not nearly as bad as you make it out to be.

Cheeseboy said...

By the way, Utah is very conservative, but Salt Lake City itself is VERY liberal! They've had 5 democrat mayors in a row and some of them have been as left as it gets. There are several gay Salt Lake City council members. Salt Lake City is evolving and during the gay pride parade this year, Rosanne Barr declared "This city is SO MUCH more progressive than when I grew up here!"

Cheeseboy said...

One other thing, I could hook you up with some of my frat buddies up at the University of Utah and they will prove that Salt Lake is not as prudish as you make it out to be!

Dale said...

Nice review...I haven't been to Utah since I was a kid and we were camping at State Parks, but going there now the drinking laws would be rough. No happy hour? ;)

Good post, glad you're back in Idaho :) -Dale

Laughing Vault said...

mullets rule, so utah rules :D

Dyane said...

I'm not in Northern Utah, I live in the southern part of the state, near Zion National Park. We have little to no mullets down here, bad drivers & a lot of Mormons still. We also have a pretty big Pagan community, a couple of pretty good bars, The Utah Shakespearean Festival, the Neil Simon Festival, a renaissance faire and are within an hour to a lot of beautiful places. We go camping, get drunk, and have a lot of fun.

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