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7/21/11

The Local Dungeon Master Is My FedEx Guy

NERRRRRDS!!!!!
I'm pretty geeky in my own right, but I think I have met my match in this guy...

I was at the local office supply retail outlet center place, and I had a few things to do.  Make copies, FedEx out my ka-busted laptop, etc.  I get to the copy/print center and I wait.  And wait.

Finally this dude comes out to help me.  He's about 6 feet tall, 6 feet around, and looks like the definition of a basement-dwelling nerd.


  • Scraggly neck-beard goin on...
  • Thick glasses, out of breath, wheezes and snorts a lot
  • Had a pin on his vest that said "Ask me about my cleric"
It took him nearly 10 minutes to finish whatever he was doing in the back (probably playing WoW) to come out and help me.  I get my copies, package my laptop to ship, and keep waiting for him to call me a "noob" or challenge me to a duel...

He had this interesting way of talking too.  Every sentence was ended with a grunt or sigh, like he was verbalizing his punctuation marks...

"Did you need these in black and white or in color, heh?"

"What is the destination zip code for this package, fmeh?"

"That will be $42.01 sir... huph."

Every. Single. Time.

I was tempted to agitate him to see if his punctuation grunts would get louder if I angered him...

"NO, sir... we do NOT take Staples rewards cards, HURF!"  and so on.

The conversation lasted about 10 minutes all in all, and it took every ounce of my strength not to chuckle or laugh or mock him (fmeh...).  I wonder if he just takes in too much air when he breathes (heef) and needs to let it out at the end of the sentence (foop) or whenever phrasing permits (yowm)?

meep meep meep...
All I know is I want to keep going back.  I need to record this guy and play it for you, so you can hear it for yourself.  Imagine actually playing Dungeons and Dragons with this dude for hours on end, listening to his grunts and exclamations...

"A-HA! (swif)  My magic missles damage your druid for 20 points! (whooph)  Aren't I a badass, (heef)?"

Or, imagine if this dude ever gets laid... (sorry ladies, for putting that mental image into your brain)
Please Share it! :)

21 witty retorts:

Pickleope said...

I didn't know it was you! Out of respect and admiration, I would have grunted 65% less.

Bart said...

is that jock in nerds the same actor that plays the smart doctor in house? also i think i will try one of those lemonades

Drake Sigar said...

Bow before the glory of neckbeard puny mortal.

Adsila said...

Ha ha, I don't think I could stand to be around him for very long. I have to put up with my dog snoring loudly on a daily basis, that is enough for me!

Leeanna said...

OMG!!!(heff) I think I know that guy!(woomf) AAhhahahahahahaaahahahaaa!(swoff)

Annabelle said...

hahahaha

This guy must be a cousin of my mother's basement dwelling coffee slurper on the train.

my day in a sentence said...

For some reason, that kind of talk reminds me of Napoleon Dynamite. :D

Melanie said...

OK, I love nerds, but I guess this dude is proof that everything in moderation is the truth.

myjoyproject said...

ewwwwww

~*Gumbo Soul*~ said...

Oh muh gosh. I'm laughing so hard after reading that that I need to gasp for air. I really hope you get to go back and record him. :)

BigOryx said...

this dude is.. ehm...cupcake... lol

Zombie said...

Never played Dungeons and Dragons man. Even I am not that nerdy. lol.

Gucci Mama said...

Get his number for me, if you please.

ISRAEL CARRASCO said...

You should carry a hidden camera or recorder. I'd love to hear the grunts.

D4 said...

I know a guy like this. I make fun of him, he's aware of it. He stops, but it's like a reoccurring thing. It's funny.

meandmythinkingcap said...

Did you say hi to him or hi ogre?

Aaron M. Gipson said...

I think Napoleon Dynamite was based in Idaho as well, wasn't it? I think maybe you stumbled upon the real-life inspiration...

M. Hicks said...

It's so funny. The mental image your title gave me really did lead me to believe this guy was getting laid--in spades. Oh, dungeon master heepf not Dungeon Master...hmmm, subtle, but with more hrmph

Autumnforest said...

I admit to being a vocal gal and liking a vocal man, but I'd rather have him talk dirty than fmeh. Of course, that would have been an entirely different conversation if he'd talked dirty at the end of every sentence. "You want me to take that up, you big hard boy?"

Dale said...

haha, this is funny everytime you come accross a person like this and I try to be ultra friendly to them. It's sad because they hate their job so much, how do managers keep employees that are so miserabale around so long? Sorry, I don't know what Dungeons and Dragons really is, never played. :) hehe

-Dale

Dolls Factory said...

I had a friend being obsessed with Dingeons & Dragons who looked exactly like this. Such a funny post.

http://www.thedollsfactory.com/2011/07/vintage-shopping-in-como-fendi.html

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