Ads 468x60px

Subscribe:

7/5/11

Know Your Neighbor: The 40(something) year old virgin

Yes, you've seen the movie.  Well, I'm living next door to this guy, and he drives me batshit insane.

Sometime about a month ago, out sweet-old-lady of a next door neighbor moved out and her son (or son in law??  not quite sure) moved in.  According to our new "friend," she went chasing her boyfriend to Arizona, or Alabama, or Alaska (one of those pesky 'A' states...)

So she's out, he's in.   But he didn't come alone, he had a friend.

A female friend, but not in the way you think.

hurrrrrrr... herp herp derp...
He has a dog.  A pug, in fact, named Maggie.

Maggie is more than just your average pug.  Mostly because she weighs about 3 times more than the average pug.  Imagine a furry walking barrel with derp-eyes, a 6-pack of hot dogs for a neck, and a wheeze that sounds like she's gargling a pair of balls while trying to talk...

...that's Maggie...

And Mags is the ice-breaker of the bunch.  My girlfriend or I get home, and we are greeted by a snarling, snorting barking little dog.

That's like the doorbell for our neighbor friend.  He comes walking up, and starts a conversation about anything and everything.

"Are any of these stray cats in the neighborhood yours?  I had a cat once, about 20 years ago, and she used to...."

"I had a girlfriend once.  She didn't like my dog, so she had to go..."  (no, I'm not making this one up)

"Washing your car, eh?  Well, if Maggie gets on your nerves, you can go ahead and squirt her..." (What about you?  Can I turn the hose on you?)

He has an anecdote for any subject you can think of, and he will talk to you until you (forcibly) end the conversation.  The dude doesn't take a hint either.  We try not to socialize with him, we don't reciprocate in the conversations, and we try to end things as quickly as possible.

Yet he keeps on talking.  And keeps on smiling.

Maybe we're the only friends he has?
Please Share it! :)

29 witty retorts:

Lady Estrogen said...

Hahaha - love the sounds you're trying to make there. I can send you over a recording of my pug for some audio effects, if you like! HAHA

Whiskey Girl said...

People who can't maintain their pets weight should be shot. It's not fair to the animal.

Jessica Thompson said...

The dog is kind of ugly =( alphabetalife.blogspot.com

Autumnforest said...

Yeah, but does he have a man o'lantern? The pug reminds me of Peter Lorre, kinda cute, actually.

blorriepoes said...

these are really strange sad people.

Annabelle said...

oh NO.

I don't do friendly neighbor. I refuse to befriend my neighbors. It becomes impossible to avoid them or have a social situation and not invite them.

For him I'd give a shit ass hateful smile, a wave and walk brisk right on by.

Not because he's a freak - which clearly he is - but because Im a bitch.

tamezisclutch said...

I that's a real dog I feel sorry for the pore thing.

Drake Sigar said...

The eyes, THE EYES! They see into my soul.

Not the Hero said...

The best way to end a conversation with someone like that is to start talking about something they find uncomfortable.

There are very few people in this world I hate, but I'm good at getting the ones I don't like to hate me.

Byakuya said...

Ugh, I hate those dogs. Just ugly really =3

If you just blank him a couple times he'll stop eventually, works like a charm

Al Penwasser said...

Does he have any of his buds come over for a good old fashioned Dungeons and Dragons tournament?
Or maybe he's a closet Invasion of Grenada re-enactor...?

D4 said...

Man, I feel bad for him. I know someone like that. They fell on their head while skating down a rain forest (Oh yes) and haven't been the same ever since.

Bart said...

hairy mofo

Tony Van Helsing said...

Does he look like his dog?

RQ said...

You could fill the trunk of your car with grocery bags of packing peanuts, when when moving back and forth just load up on fake groceries, then you can just rush by him.

Chunky Mama said...

I once lived in North Carolina next to a guy who was unemployed and drank all day while his wife was at work. He had zero concept of personal space and always wanted to have a drunken up close and personal conversations when he saw me.

Oh, did I mention he never wore anything but a pair of short-shorts and flip flops? And he was OLD?

Chunky Mama said...

I once lived in North Carolina next to a guy who was unemployed and drank all day while his wife was at work. He had zero concept of personal space and always wanted to have a drunken up close and personal conversations when he saw me.

Oh, did I mention he never wore anything but a pair of short-shorts and flip flops? And he was OLD?

The Empress said...

He must come from the opposite end of the family tree as my loud, asshole, redneck downstairs neighbors. Maybe you should invite your weird neighbor to an Amway meeting. They can hold him MLM hostage and he can make lots of new friends...

meandmythinkingcap said...

I understand yall. These people should be sentenced to some planet where a year would have 1000days or more. The planet should be far far away that earthlings never should be able to hear their philosophies.

Zombie said...

That was one funny movie!! lol.

Ally said...

Awww, I sorta feel bad for this guy. However, it made for a funny blog post :)

The Onion Gypsy said...

haha loved that movie!

Mama Spaghetti said...

Wow...just wow. This guy sounds like a real winner.

I think your only option might be to turn the hose on him. I'm just sayin...

wellpickedbooger said...

Haha, what is wrong with the pug in your picture? It looks like a 40 year old virgin hugged it with a bit too much force.

Mynx said...

He maybe lonely but perhaps if he wasnt in your face every spare moment you might actually feel more like having a beer with him. Assuming he drinks of course, maybe he had one once....

Random Girl said...

oh that's not good... had you known sooner, you could have pretended to only speak Spanish or German or something...

Lendo Khar said...

Maybe you are his only friends as you said. I don't think his dog will ever reply.

Thank, Q said...

People like that crack me up. They want to fit in so badly and try so hard that they end up scaring people off. This guy probably thinks you're the coolest guy around and has told his relatives about you. Just pray that you don't run into him at a sports bar or something or you'll never get rid of him.

Dale said...

haha, that's so funny and sounds like a nightmare. Sorry, hopefully him and Maggie move out sooon!

Post a Comment

Comments are always appreciated. Sometimes they end up being better than the initial post! Come join in on the fun... (and remember, you can post anonymously)

And if you like the post, feel free to share! Stumble, Digg, Tweet, go bananas!