Doing Business on Idaho's Craigslist

Craigslist is an amazing tool if you're looking for some extra cash, or a fun mormon hook-up.  (I just wish you could find other thinks like mobile poker apps on it.)  Recently, I decided to sell my old Wii system, since it has been sitting in a box for about 6 months.

I first took it to the local 'buy back' place, thinking I could get a deal.  When they offered me $35 for the whole lot, and told me all the on-board games would be lost (they have to do a factory reset before reselling) I knew I would have to find a buyer on my own.

I put it up on Craigslist, and almost immediately got a hit.  Someone was interested, but wasn't free until Tuesday (4 days from now).  After some back-and-forth, I decided to keep it for him.

Tuesday came along, and they wanted to meet at the local Home Depot.  Why?  No fucking idea.  I waited, and about 20 minutes later a car finally pulled up next to me.

The person I was dealing with was named Raul.  The person exiting the car looked more like Consuela from Family Guy, and didn't speak a lick of English.

She points at me, and simply said "Wii?"  I nod.  She starts to look through the box, see the games, the system, the controllers, then she puts it down and gets on her phone.

She starts talking to someone, in Spanish.  I don't speak Spanish really well, but I understand enough of it to hear she was trying to 'get a deal from the white boy.'

She hands me the phone.  It's Raul.

Raul is TEN YEARS OLD and starts negotiating with me...

I didn't budge, he started to whine, and thought he could win me over.  So he asked me to give the phone back to his mom.  They talked, mom kept saying 'try THIS on the white boy, try THAT on the white boy.'

She hands me the phone again.  The kid starts to negotiate again.  I respond, in my white-boy spanish, "Stop playing around, child.  Do you want this Wii or not?"  Mom shits herself then and there.  Kid hangs up.  Mom pays full price, and glares at me while driving away.

It was fantastic.

Sorry peeps, I grew up in the California ghetto.  I'm not your average corn-fed Idahoan...  That shit doesn't fly with me.

An Amazing Story of Charity (and it involves Mormons!!)

'Tis the season.

'Tis the season to shop, buy, decorate, feast and enjoy company with friends and family.

...but for those that have less, 'tis the season for colder weather, scarce food, and hard living.

Christmas always leaves me feeling a little hollow, because it feels like it's all about presents and shopping and gorging and excess.  I feel for the needy this time of year, because I have so much.  And the point of this holiday season is to buy more and get more.  'Tis the season, for me, to help others in need.  To help pick up those who have been knocked down, and to make the season more meaningful.

When I saw this story pop up on my newsfeed, a tear came to my eye:

When a Mormon Bishop dresses up like a homeless man and panhandles in front of his ward, it's an eye-opening experience for all.  It's very easy to ignore people in need.  When they find out they shunned someone THEY KNEW, everything changed...

This lesson, and the reaction from the churchgoers, is a much-needed one.  I'm not saying to give everything you have for the needy, or you're a horrible person unless you donate your time at a local soup kitchen, but think about what you have.

If you can, give.  Not to the Salvation Army and those annoying bell-ringers, but to your local community.  Give to your local food bank.  The animal shelter.  Head Start programs.

Something local, something small.  A place that will make a difference.  I prefer donating food and money to my local food bank.  It stays within the community, they have small overhead costs (unlike the salvation army, where a HUGE CHUNK of your donation goes to administrative costs and salaries) and it makes a noticeable difference to those in need.

As much as I rail on the Mormon church, this was a well-taught lesson, and one we all need to reflect on.

'Tis the season.  Do what you can.

Idaho Falls is America's 2nd-Best Small City? #JudgeForYourself

I run a Facebook page for this blog, and it's a barrel of laughs.  It's more active than this blog, and it's more general silliness than strictly-Idaho.  And I have a lot of fun, dedicated fans.

One of my regulars shared a HuffPost link with me, showing the top 10 'Small Cities' in America.

Idaho Falls was #2.

I. Am. NOT. Joking.

Maybe the #2 city, if you like religious oddballs, or don't mind the entire city SHUTTING DOWN on Sunday.

But, then again, numbers 1, 3, and 6 are in Texas.  Substitute Baptists for Mormons and it's all the same thing.

Now, I'm not saying Idaho Falls is all bad.

We are a stone's-throw from the Tetons and Yellowstone National Park.
There are a few gems in Idaho Falls, and they all conveniently fit on one compact blog page.

And we are ruled by a ruthless megalomaniacal mormon bastard have a waterfall.  A VERY NICE WATERFALL.

Idaho has merits.  Otherwise I wouldn't have anything to blog about.  But I have been in Idaho Falls for over 3 years now, and I don't think this is my #2 place I have lived.

...otherwise I wouldn't own this shirt.

I love this shirt...

So HuffPost readers, who are looking to move to a small quaint city, come visit IF before you choose to move here.  Cost of living IS low, and it is definitely a slower-paced way of living, which isn't bad.

But..... and here's the bombshell, for long-time blog followers....

I'll be moving to Portland soon.  And I can't wait.

BOOM.

Pet Food Wars: What does 'kcals per cup' mean and why that expensive bag of food is cheaper than you think!

Since our pets can't buy their own food, we have to.  And while a lot of us want to do right by our pets, we are often influenced by brands we see on TV.

Remember my rant on Beneful?  If not, go read it.

I'll wait....

The moral of that story was to not be swayed by TV and to do a little research yourself.  This post is going to address the problem of "Well, I buy _____ because the other brands cost too much."

Yes, Mr. Customer.  Brand B does cost more than Brand A.  But have you looked at cost per feeding?

This is a chart I use when I'm talking about cost-per-feeding to my customers (your pet stores).  If you compare these two brands, Beneful and Premium Edge, you will notice Premium Edge costs $10 more per bag.

Yes, you get almost 4lb more than that bag of Beneful, but at a cost-per-weight basis, Beneful will cost you under $1/lb, and Premium Edge will cost you $1.14/lb.

So the expensive bag will cost me more to feed, right?

WRONG.

A dog needs a certain amount of calories to maintain their body weight.  It varies by energy level, but the guidelines use an 'average' of 32.5 calories per pound of body weight.  To get to that desired level for a 60lb dog, you need 4-5.5 cups of Beneful (depending on energy level) compared to 2.25-3 cups of Premium Edge.

You feed less and get the same result.  This means LESS POOP IN YOUR YARD, but more importantly the bag lasts longer.  26 days for a $30 bag of Beneful, or 50+ days for a bag of Premium Edge.  The 'expensive' bag wins by the tune of $100+ in savings each year.

But can kcal content be misleading?  ABSOLUTELY!

Take Canidae Pet Foods for example, as well as a few comparable brands.  (I pick on Canidae, because they're a well-known 'Independent' brand.  They recently went into Petco, even though I have heard personally from the owners' mouths that would never ever happen.  So now I poke at them.)

I used to sell Canidae long ago, and would show my friends that a bag of Canidae was technically cheaper to feed than the cheapest bags of pet food you can find at Walmart.  I honed my 'cost per feeding' pitch with them, and now use it against them.

You see, a 44lb bag of Canidae now sells for $54-62 in my area.  I sell similar brands that cost way less to feed, and haven't changed their bag, formula or promises in recent times.  Canidae still costs less to feed than Beneful, but let's compare it with other high-end brands, shall we?

Canidae claims to have a whopping 468 kcals per cup in their All Life Stages diet.  I called their office to confirm what 'cup' they use, and they said they get their numbers from an 8oz dry measuring cup, which holds exactly 4.5oz of Canidae kibble.

I tested, they are correct.

But if you do the math (which I did for you on the graphic) it only adds up to 460 kcals per cup.  When you compare to a big brand like Beneful, you will feed less.  But what about other high-end brands?

Taste of the Wild dog food claims to only have 370 kcals per cup, but if you use the same measuring guidelines as Canidae, I get 451 kcals per cup.  That's very similar in feeding rate, and makes me wonder why my math is so different.  I called the company and have not received a response.

Another brand, with ingredients closer to Canidae's, is Hi-Tek Naturals.  Their Chicken Fitness formula has similar ingredients, also comes in a 44lb bag ($50, compared to Canidae's $60) and also has a frequent buyer program (Buy 10 get 1 free, Canidae's is Buy 12 get 1 free).  Their bag shows more kcals per kilogram than Canidae, but less kcals per cup.  When I measured cup to cup, I only saw a 0.13oz difference in weight.  Using my math, Hi-Tek really measures at 465 kcal/cup.  Making it a cheaper bag to buy than Canidae, and a cheaper feeding rate.

For that same 60lb dog used earlier, it would cost you $338 per year to feed Canidae vs $272 with HiTek.  $312 vs $248 if you use a frequent buyer card.  And while both brands are a better value than Beneful ($385/yr) and a much better quality, when you start to compare premium vs premium you want to make sure you get the most bang for your buck.

But the question is:  Which math is correct?  If we use Canidae math, other brands look better than they realize.  But is this the accurate way of measuring calorie content, or does everyone do things a little differently??

In the end, sometimes the expensive bag costs less than you think.  But sometimes, if you look hard enough, you can find even better value out there.  Do some research, don't be afraid to use a calculator, and don't believe everything a business says.  Do YOUR math and don't trust theirs.

Lost in a Halloween Corn Maze

I recently popped my 'corn maze' cherry, which is a regular Idaho thing to do apparently.

I made it 3 years before I gave in, and the only reason I did is because:

1 - My wife begged, and

2 - We had friends to come with us.

We did the 'married couple double date' thing, and arrived at the corn maze shortly after dusk.  There were 3 paths to choose from, and we basically picked the first entrance we found.

Into the corn we went...

...and we got lost...

FOR A LONG TIME.

We started cracking corny puns, and eventually started talking about corn porn.

Similar to this

When the corn jokes started getting groans, we decided to find an exit.  We were getting restless, more than one of us had to pee, and we were getting tired of hearing the teenage kids play "Marco Polo" in the corn.

So we cheated.

We cut through the 'don't cut through here' paths, in the direction toward the exit (or so we thought).  We swathed our own path, and ended up in a completely different maze.

Stuck again.  Lost again.

The lighter started to look tempting.

BUT WAIT, WE HAVE GPS!!  So we cheated again, and after 2 hours we found an edge.  Walked down the street.  Found our cars...

And went to a bar.

This is why I can't have nice things.

 In the 21st century, eating at the dinner table is becoming a rare thing to see.  It's just my wife and I at home, and the dinner table is often used as a work-space or just a general storage shelf thing.

Lately, we've been trying to be a little more 'adult.'  We decided to eat at the dinner table tonight, since we did a lot of cleaning over the weekend and the table (and dining room) was clear.

We sat at the table, eating spaghetti (her homemade sauce is AMAZING) and discussing how we were 'responsible grown-ups.'

Her:  "You know, next we're going to be using napkins..."

Me:  "Paper or cloth?  And do we get those fancy napkin rings as well?"

Her:  "Cloth of course.  We're refined adults after all..."

We laughed, ate a little bit, and then I broke the silence...

Me:  "...maybe we should say Grace next time?"  This made her laugh because we're not exactly religious.  Instead of 'God' we sometimes substitute the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

You know, just for laughs.  He doesn't mind if you take his noodly name in vain, and a lot of non-theists (atheists, agnostics or just 'meh'-nonites in general) get a chuckle out of it.

So we start talking about how giving thanks to a deity made of spaghetti WHILE EATING SPAGHETTI was probably a little inappropriate.

(insert a few more moments of silence)

Me:  "Well, it's no more odd than the Body of Christ, right?  And much tastier than a wafer..."

AND THIS IS WHY I CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.  (and why I'm cleaning spaghetti-laughter-spit from the floor)

Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Band Nerd's Life for Me

If you're a long follower of this blog, you know I was a former Marching Band nerd from yesteryear.  A lot of my old High School classmates are now band directors, so I get to live semi-vicariously through them.

And through my wife's half-brother, who plays snare at his High School band.

This last Saturday was the Mountain West Marching Band Invitational at ISU.  I have never been to Idaho State's campus, and I haven't seen a good band competition in ages (other than DCI online and in theaters) so we tagged along.

Bro's band was in the AA division.  Meaning they're not the worst, but they're not the best either.  We arrived in time to see one band perform before they did.

The Flute section made up about 1/3 of the musicians on the field, and I could see this was going to be a loooong show.

Not only did I want to watch Bro's band perform, but I wanted to stick around for the Open Class (top-tier) bands as well as ISU's exhibition performance.

College bands are usually hot shit, and I wanted to see what this region had to offer.

The flute corps did their thing, and then Bro's band came on.  It's a small group, in a small town, so they looked thin on the field.

Most band directors in High School either focus on marching season or concert season (the good ones can balance both) and their director is definitely a 'concert' type.  Very artsy show, and you couldn't follow along with the music - even if you were a fellow musician.

But they did well.  I saw a 'parents performance' earlier in the season and they were much better than they were a few short months ago.

They were the last in their division to perform.  Next were the AAA bands.

And WOW, you could definitely tell the difference between a AA band and a AAA band.

The AAA and Open Class bands had more recognizable music.

And more visuals.  Their band directors definitely watched a few DCI shows in their day...

Dancing, singing, choreography... now we're talking.

The last two (and top two) bands of the day played a mix of Soul music, and a tribute to The Beatles.  Both had the audience roaring, and both did rather well.

And then ISU came on.

Small group, all bravado.  They came on to the field, high-stepping and screaming.  When they began to play, they played "manly hairy-balls" versions of Carmina Burana, Pictures at an Exhibition, 1812 Overture and William Tell.  Fan favorites, in a sense.  They blasted through the popular parts of each, blasted through their fight song, and then jammed off the field.

It was definitely a 'rode hard and put away wet' performance.  I felt dirty afterwards, yet somehow satisfied...

After seeing the Idaho shows (and Bozeman, I can't forget about them) I learned a few things:

- Just because some college bands march all piccolos doesn't mean you can get away with that shit in High School.  Middleton HS needs to learn the 'how do you tune 2 piccolo players? Shoot one of them' jokes before next season.

- Speaking of college bands, the ISU trumpet section could use some shooting tuning as well.  My. GOD.

- Either I'm old, or these bands weren't nearly as good as the bands from Southern California I competed against.  They would have all been flattened by bands that couldn't even hold a candle to my old corps...

- And lastly, you can tell what schools were in heavily Mormon areas and which weren't.  The LDS themes were emotions and dimensions and retrospectives, while the more mixed schools played entertaining pieces.

It was still fun though.  Are there any other band nerds out there, past or present?  I'd love to hear some of your stories...

Why I'm OK with Fat-Shaming

Have you seen this video, or the image they're talking about?

A trainer posted a picture with the headline "what's your excuse" a year ago, and now people are getting butthurt about it.  Calling her a bully.  Accusing her of fat-shaming.

You know what?  I'm ok with it.

I'm overweight.  And I can fix it, but here we are.  I work anywhere between 6 and 16 hours a day, and could easily use the excuse "I don't have time" but you know what?  I do.

I screw around on Facebook - I have my personal account, my blog's page, and I do content creation for a friend's page as well.

My wife and I like to play online games together.  We spend maybe 4-5 hours a week playing MMOs.

I take my dog to the dog park, and sit around and chat with other dog owners for an hour at a time.  That could be jogging/biking with my dog, or I could chase her around.  Instead, we sit and gab.

And, of course, my life on the road as a salesman.  I don't have to hit the drive-thru as often as I do, but it's quick and convenient for me.  If I slowed down and made better options, I wouldn't be in the predicament I am.

So what's the problem?  She's a mother of 3 and has her children in the picture, so it must be targeting lazy moms, right?  I dunno, I see that as a crutch.

My wife and I are considering having a baby.  Her first, my third.  If she needs mommy time to work out, take a walk, etc, I'm going to give it to her.

I know how to cook.  If she's tired, I'll make dinner.  We don't have to rely on a fast-food crutch.

My favorite part of the video above?  Everyone starts making excuses about this lady's 'advantages' except for Matt Lauer.  I can point out the gender lines that coincide with the argument, but I think that would be painting with some broad brush-strokes.

I'm fat.  I like her message.  It made me think for a second, and reflect on my decisions.  In that aspect, it worked.  Am I shamed?  Is she a bully?  No.

She's right.

What IS my excuse?

And, if you're overweight and in a position to remedy that, what is YOUR excuse?

How to speak Idahoan (in just a few easy steps!)

So you're coming to visit Idaho (you poor soul) and want to blend in with the natives.  You know how easy it is to spot a tourist, and have read my posts about how outsiders are often eaten alive.

Especially if you're from California.  CA plates on your car is like having a target on your back.

The first and most important step to blend in with us 'tater-heads' is to be able to speak like an Idahoan.

Throw out everything you know about the English language, phonics, and general common sense.  It's time to learn how to speak Idahoan.

source

First and foremost, Boise.  I still struggle with this.  It's 'boy-see' not 'boy-zee.'  But it's not even 'boy-see' like you would normally pronounce.

I was given a 10-minute speech therapy session by one of my Boise customers.  If you say 'boy see' you're doing it wrong.  It's 'boy' like Flavor Flav says it (Boiiiiiiyeeeeee) and then 'see.'

You see, Idahoans love to over-accentuate their vowels.  Heise is pronounced like the orange drink Hi-C, but with overemphasis on the I and the ending E.  And they somehow doing without elongating the word.

Here's another one.  How would you pronounce this Idahoan vacation destination?

Lava, as in 'lah-vah?'  Nope.  Laaaaaaaaa-va, rhyming with 'have a.'  Why?  I don't fucking know.  Because Idahoans struggle with vowel pronunciation?  Most soft As sound like their vocalized by Fran Drescher.  Long Es feel like EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEs.  Os are an odd cross between a Wisconsin 'owe-a' and an O with an umlaut over it.

If you call it soda, people will say pop.  If you call it pop, people will say soda.  Either way, you'll be looked at funny.  You can't win here, so just order by name.  (I'll have a Dr. Pepper please)

Lastly, ending any word with '-ing' is strictly prohibited.  Drop the g, to create walkin' doin' goin' and such.  Gs are a rare commodity in the Gem State and need to be saved for special occasions.

And good luck with Coeur D'Alene.  Locals pronounce it 'Core Duh-Lane' but get upset if you spell it phonetically.

Good luck with your travels!

MOPI (me) in a Nutshell

Since I am a judge on Blogger Idol this year, I am going to be getting a lot of new faces on this blog.

And for all of you who have been here for a few months and aren't generally impressed, I'm getting back into the game (slowly).  I'm still trying to find my groove after my dad's death, so please bear with me a little longer (and bare with me if you're hot).

I'll do my best to describe myself as briefly as possible.  With links.  If you want to dig deeper, clicky clicky.

I started this blog when I moved from California to Idaho.  With the move, I now experience 4 real seasons (snow! yay?), xenophobic mormons (who don't believe in dinosaurs) and rednecks galore.  The culture clash (combined with unemployment) lead to me starting this page.  It has evolved to a general humor blog, but I still make fun of Idaho as much as possible.

Things I blog about:

- Bikini bars and sex-starved Idahoans

- Mormons mormons mormons (search 'LDS' on this page and see how they're really closet sex-freaks)

- Taking ex-lax for the very first time

- I travel a lot for work.  When I get bored, this happens.  And this.

- I'm 900 miles from my kids.  I blog about them from time to time, but try to keep things mostly private for their sake.

- Funny laws in Idaho, and what happens when I try to break them.

- Oh, and I painted a picture with my penis once, and I may have masturbated my cat.  So there's that...

- And, of course, funny stories from work.

Feel free to dig around.  I also have a facebook page where I whore myself out

Like this, but without tits.  Cuz I'm a guy.  And I don't have moobs.

and keep the masses entertained.  If you like what you see, feel free to follow my shenanigans and let me entertain you.  Thanks for reading!

Football Rivalry in Idaho

Growing up in a major metropolitan area, I didn't get to experience the feeling of having a cross-town rival.  We didn't have a small town, so the lines in the sand were much blurrier than they are in Idaho.

In my area, there are 3 main rivalries that get the locals rabid:

- The 'Black and Blue Bowl.'
- The 'Civil War.'
- And 'The Emotion Bowl.'

The third one has the lamest name, but is the one that affects my area the most.  I live within walking distance to Idaho Falls High School, and can hear the 'roar' of the stadium most Friday nights.

The Emotion Bowl is IF High vs Skyline High.  Skyline is the 'west side' school, and my wife's Alma Mater.  She's not big into school spirit, so she doesn't give two shits about this game.  She's probably one of six people in town who feel this way.

Everyone else, from residences to businesses have either Blue or Orange festooned in every way possible.  Grocery store windows are painted with motivational messages.  School spirit is at an all time high.

And for someone like me, living in the middle of 'Tiger Country', if I were caught sporting powder blue, I'd be in a world of trouble.

When I was in High School, my football team was like the Oakland Raiders.  Everyone hated us, and we hated everybody.  Nobody was a rival, because everybody was a rival.  It was interesting, but never as passionate as one of Idaho's rivalry games.

And so much is on the line for these games as well!

Don't like Obama?  Blame Skyline.

An Emotion Bowl win on an election year will tell you who our next President is going to be!  Yes, in 2012 Skyline won, so Obama was reelected.

(And I can tell you this:  If Skyline wins in 2016, there will be riots on the streets.  NOBODY was happy last year, which made IF's victory in 2013 all the sweeter.)

I am sad to say I missed this year's Emotion Bowl, but then again, I really don't care who wins.  I wouldn't know which side to sit on, who to root for, etc.  Sorry Idaho, no fucks were given from me on Friday.

Do you come from a small town?  Did you have a rival?  Were the games this intense?  I'd love to hear your story...

My Mailman Might Be A Player

I remember being young, and the mailman delivering to my house every day between 11 and noon.  Monday through Saturday, always consistent, no deviation.

Since moving to Idaho, it's much more inconsistent.  I recently moved a few months ago, and it's getting worse than ever.  My uncle is a retired mail carrier, and I complained to him one day.

His response?  "He probably has a few 'friends' on the route.  Stops by their house to chat, maybe more."  Apparently this isn't uncommon at all.

Driving home a few days ago, I saw something that pretty-much confirmed his quip.  The mailman was walking out of a neighbor's house.  He got a nice kiss from my neighbor on the way out, as well as a tap on the ass.

I know that house.  I know her husband.  He's not a mailman.

I guess that means when the cat is away, the mailman will play.

Sometimes the mail comes at 10:30.  Sometimes as late as 3.  That kind of window, he may have more than one 'friend' on his route.

...such a player.

Well, I can't fault the guy.  I mean, a mail carrier has a HUGE sexy-factor.  That uniform, those power-walking calves.

I'm only glad my wife hasn't fallen to his sexy wiles...

...wait... I'm hardly ever home...

How do I know she didn't?

OH SNAP.  NOOOOOOO...

I'm Allergic to Idaho

Living in California for the first 29 years of my life, I never had any allergic problems.  I had cats, dogs, hamsters, lived in a 'dust bowl' area, and had to put up with the famous Santa Ana winds.

I don't know if it was the change of scenery or just my old age, but I now have allergy problems.  I have a pretty regular regimen of Allegra, Benadryl and Afrin nasal spray on hand, to help get me through the allergy spikes.

But... I have noticed something odd about my allergies.  I'm not allergic to the regular stuff.  Not cats, not pollen, not ragweed, not dust.

I'm allergic to Idaho.

I know, I know, haha, but hear me out.

With my day job, I travel to states like Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nevada and Oregon.  In other states, my sinuses are fine.  No sneezing, no watery eyes, no allergy spikes.

It's only when I'm in Idaho do I suffer from these symptoms.

And it's 'more than usual' when I'm home.

Maybe I'm allergic to my wife?  Maybe she's the problem? (I can feel her glaring at me, just by typing these words...)

Or maybe it is the cats.  We have 3 at home, and one of them sheds about 3 coats a day.  If we don't sweep our hardwood floors on a regular basis, we'd have enough fur to make a sheepdog after about a week.

I really do need to see a doctor, to find out what the underlying problem really is.  Until then, I can just chuckle to myself and tell everyone I'm allergic to Idaho.

(...because that will get me in less trouble than telling people I'm allergic to my wife...)

So you’re on the Wipe Bandwagon… Now what? #LetsTalkBums

So you've read my posts about Cottonelle Fresh Wipes.

You've watched Cherry’s videos (including this new one).

 You've wondered, broke down, tried the wipes, and are now hooked.

Welcome to the clean bum club.  Doesn't it feel awesome?

…but now what?  You have a cabinet full of TP and you’re now using a lot less.  What do you do with all that excess toilet paper?

You could hit up pinterest and search for TP art…

You could TP a friend’s house.  (just make sure to help them clean up afterwards… or not, f**k em…)

You could donate it to the homeless people living closest to a Taco Bell or Thai restaurant.  (because you KNOW they need it!)

You could give it to the cat, and let them shred the TP into oblivion.

You could make a snazzy (and absorbent!) TP fortress.

You could do this...  I'm not sure what exactly you can call this:

Or you could just accept the fact it’s going to take you much longer to burn through your stockpile of toilet paper.  But using less is a good thing.  And feeling cleaner is a good thing.  So no matter what you do with your TP surplus, have fun with it.

(and if it’s especially wacky, go to Cottonelle’s Facebook Page and let them know how you ‘fixed’ your TP overflow problem!)

Stirring Things Up on CelebStir

One of my vices revolves around Celebrities.  I love gossip rags like Perez Hilton and Celebuzz.  I'm not totally sure why, but they're fun to read now and then.

I was recommended to check out celebstir.com, and I like what I see.  CelebStir mixes celebrity with social media, letting you follow celebrities, athletes, models and more.  And they (and others) can follow you as well.

I'm a blogger.  I have followers, but a celebrity I am not.  When people follow my profile, I'm not 100% sure how I feel... But oh well.  ADORE ME, DAMMIT!

One thing I love about CelebStir is the video chat option, with up and comers.

It gives you a chance to talk to people trying to break into the entertainment, sporting or modeling industry.  It also gives you a chance to say "I spoke with xxxx before they were famous."

Do you like following the lives and times of famous people?  If so, check them out.  This may be one of the next big things, and watching it grow will be fun.

And, of course, follow me.  Maybe this will be how *I* become famous??  I promise I'll remember all you 'little people' when I'm a bajillionaire...

Should you sell your life insurance policy?

I wish I could have visited my grandmother much more in the nursing home. She had Alzheimer’s so whether or not she knew I was there is a mystery, but even for myself and my mother and grandfather it would have been a nice gesture. But with myself living in California and my parents and grandparents living in Florida it was impossible to get over to see her more than a couple times per year.

I remember my mother meeting with her financial advisor as they determined what to do to cover the expenses of the cost of her being in a senior care facility. For those of you who have had a loved one in one of these facilities you know what I’m talking about. For those of you who haven’t had to deal with this nightmare hope that you never do. Basically, these places are crazy expensive and for most people my grandparents age there’s no way they could pay for something like this.

So as you try to figure out how to cover the ridiculous costs my mother found herself weighing options. One option that she came across after a suggestion from a trusted family friend was to consider for someone like my grandmother or grandfather to sell their life insurance policy on the secondary market. It’s actually a good option as there are so many seniors out there that simply surrender their life policy to the insurance company or worse, let their policy lapse. So the question becomes, ”Should you sell your life insurance policy?” Again, hopefully you never have to deal with this but if you do, you should consider selling your life policy via a life settlement well before you consider stopping the premiums payments to cut costs.

Here's Your Sign - #4H Edition

Hands, Heart, Health, Home.

No wait.

Hands, Heart, Health, Head.

Or is it Head, Shoulders Knees and Toes?

I forget.

Either way, 4H is a fantastic youth program, teaching kids life skills like responsibility and discipline.

You'd think spelling would be a part of the 'head' but I guess not?

Hollow or not, as long as you have a head, you'll do.

(For more funny signs and fails in Idaho, please click here)

Adventures in Wiping – No more ‘oops’ Prostate Exams! #LetsTalkBums

I have been testing Cottonelle’s Fresh Care flushable wipes for the better part of a week now, and I have to admit…  I’m loving this.  

I feel like a ‘Ramen and Taco Tuesday’ boy, finally eating his first Filet Mignon. 

I’ve had the good life people, and I don’t know if I’m ever going to go back to ‘the basics.’

To recap our #LetsTalkBums adventure, please refer to my original post, and watch the video below:

I know, I know, asking people about their bums in an airport is a little offbeat, but hey.  I live in an area where people knock on your door to talk about religion, so why not potty-talk?

Come to think of it… I’d rather converse about crap than entertain a pair of Missionaries on bicycles.  With the wipes, it’s ‘one and done.’  The other types of door knockers can’t be wiped away so easily, no matter how much TP you use!  (I guess that means Missionaries are like that little nugget that you just can’t wipe away…HA!)

So back to my story --  I’ve been testing the product on the road as I travel for work.  One thing I HATE about hotel bathrooms is the cheap, thin toilet paper.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wrongly estimated the amount of squares needed, and WHOOPS it’s prostate exam time!

Oops I did it again...
I played with my butt...
Oh baby baby...

Too many squares and you can cause a clog.  Too few and you may end up diddling yourself.  Oh, the dilemma!  What am I to do?

Enter the wipes.  Using the moist wipes gets everything ‘down there’ quicker and more efficiently than normal paper.  Think about cleaning your car; do you use soap and water, or just a dry rag?  Wet is better! 

And not only do I feel cleaner using these, but I haven’t ‘broken through’ the paper once!  No more surprise finger-bidet for me!

This is why I highly recommend Cottonelle’s Fresh Care Wipes.  They’re useful, flushable, super-efficient, and can take a pounding!  (enjoy THAT image in your head!)

Want to continue the conversation?  Hop on over to Cottonelle’s Facebook Page and keep talking about bums!  They can’t get enough of your bum!

Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't compete, judge. #BloggerIdol

I love writing.

I love competing.

Most of all, I love winning.

But I have learned over the last (almost) 3 years that this blog needs a "does not fit into mainstream society" badge.

I use strong language.  I make fun of people, things, and whatever I can.

I have pissed off a LOT of butthurt Mormons and probably have a mafioso-style hit placed on my head.

Yet, back in 2011 and again in 2012 (I think), I auditioned for Blogger Idol.

Why?  Because I thought I was hot shit.  And I was.  And I am.  But I'm not really BI material.

I'm a very 'Rated R' blog, and the BI contestants that shine are a firm PG-13.  No feather ruffling, no pot-stirring.

So I'm friends with the wonder woman who runs BI.  She asked me to judge last year, as well as this year.  Finally I took her up on her offer, and I am now a judge for Blogger Idol 2013.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Best of all, when I introduced myself to the panel, this happened:

Well, now I know for sure.  But hey, I know good writing when I see it.  I'll be judging you all from afar, but feel free to bribe me with sexy selfies, paypal 'donations' and other illicit things!

And if you think you have what it takes (better than me), go audition at http://blogger-idol.com/

I'll be waiting.

9-11 in Idaho - Why I'm Pissed Off

Two years ago, I blogged on the 10th Anniversary of 9/11 and shared my story of where I was and what I remember.  I won't retype it out, but if you'd like to read it please click the link.

This morning, I was at a local coffee shop (another location I've blogged about from time to time) and overheard two teenagers talking about 9/11.  They had to be 3 or 4 when it happened, so their accounts are to be taken with a grain of salt.

They were debating.  One blamed the attacks on 'Arabs' (his words), and the other kid blamed it on Barack Obama.

An accurate representation of my face, but substitute a biscotti where the cereal bowl is.

I shit you not.

It took every bone in my body not to educate these two kids on the politics and strife leading up to the 9/11 attacks.  And when I say 'educate' I really mean ramming their head against a brick wall, over and over again.

Seriously, I know not all kids are dumb, but what the fuck is up with this generation?  My younger bro-in-law just decided to 'test out' of High School at 16, get his GED and move on to college.  His parents were thrilled, because of all the nonsensical rhetoric this kid would hear at school.

FROM HIS TEACHERS.

Are we miseducating our youth?  Or are they believing every idiotic thing they read on the internet?

I mentioned this story on Facebook, and one of my followers mentioned a large number of Louisiana citizens blaming Obama for Hurricane Katrina issues.  Never mind he wasn't the President then, it's still his fault.

For fucks sake, people... How quickly we forget after only 12 years.