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How to speak Idahoan (in just a few easy steps!)

So you're coming to visit Idaho (you poor soul) and want to blend in with the natives.  You know how easy it is to spot a tourist, and have read my posts about how outsiders are often eaten alive.

Especially if you're from California.  CA plates on your car is like having a target on your back.

The first and most important step to blend in with us 'tater-heads' is to be able to speak like an Idahoan.

Throw out everything you know about the English language, phonics, and general common sense.  It's time to learn how to speak Idahoan.

First and foremost, Boise.  I still struggle with this.  It's 'boy-see' not 'boy-zee.'  But it's not even 'boy-see' like you would normally pronounce.

I was given a 10-minute speech therapy session by one of my Boise customers.  If you say 'boy see' you're doing it wrong.  It's 'boy' like Flavor Flav says it (Boiiiiiiyeeeeee) and then 'see.'

You see, Idahoans love to over-accentuate their vowels.  Heise is pronounced like the orange drink Hi-C, but with overemphasis on the I and the ending E.  And they somehow doing without elongating the word.

Here's another one.  How would you pronounce this Idahoan vacation destination?

Lava, as in 'lah-vah?'  Nope.  Laaaaaaaaa-va, rhyming with 'have a.'  Why?  I don't fucking know.  Because Idahoans struggle with vowel pronunciation?  Most soft As sound like their vocalized by Fran Drescher.  Long Es feel like EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEs.  Os are an odd cross between a Wisconsin 'owe-a' and an O with an umlaut over it.

If you call it soda, people will say pop.  If you call it pop, people will say soda.  Either way, you'll be looked at funny.  You can't win here, so just order by name.  (I'll have a Dr. Pepper please)

Lastly, ending any word with '-ing' is strictly prohibited.  Drop the g, to create walkin' doin' goin' and such.  Gs are a rare commodity in the Gem State and need to be saved for special occasions.

And good luck with Coeur D'Alene.  Locals pronounce it 'Core Duh-Lane' but get upset if you spell it phonetically.

Good luck with your travels!
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