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2/15/11

Bikini Bars and the Male Libido

So a few months ago I was working at a local car dealership, and the BIGGEST NEWS with all the guys in sales was a new bikini bar opening up in town.

I was confused.  So I asked.

It was then that I was told there were no Strip Clubs in the entire state of Idaho.  Apparently showing your breasts in a public place is illegal.  I've never been to a strip club, so I'm not missing much, but it's such a big deal to the locals that some groups of guys make the long trek to Wyoming to go to a strip joint.

OMG BOOBIES!!!


Still confused about the bikini bar, I was told that guys don't get to see a lot of skin in Idaho.  Being raised less than an hour from the beach, I took this for granted.

I'm used to seeing things like this.  (These pictures were taken in March, by the way.  Currently in mid-February in Idaho it is 36 degrees....March up here isn't going to be much warmer...)



If I showed these pics to my Idaho bros, they'd have instant-boners.  If they ever go to a Cali beach, they won't know what to do with themselves...

So on the opening day of the AMAZING bikini bar, about 75% of the guys at the dealership went.  They came back the next day saying it was awesome.  I just chuckled a little.

They talked about it ALL DAY.  Even about how much money they spent.  There wasn't a guy in the crowd who didn't drop at least $30 that night.  The best part was... they all wanted to go again... as soon as possible.

*groan*

A few days later, a few female friends of my gf were hanging out at our place, drinking and talking.  After a while, a new person came in.  "Oh, that's my friend @#$%^" said one of the girls.  "She works at the bikini bar."

First, let me remind you all of the definition of butterface...


Now, with a butterface, you still have something to look at.  Just don't look up.  If you have a paper bag handy, you can cover up her face, maybe slap a photo of Marisa Miller on it, and you're good.

But with this chick, the butter had migrated south.

Butter melts, after all.

I can see guys going "ooh, but that ass!" or "ooh, but those boobs!" and just ignoring the neck up, but this wasn't going to work with her...

She wasn't even that attractive.  And she was one of the dancers at the bikini bar??

What did the rest of them look like?

They're closed now, which I'll go into later, but at the time they had a website.  The site featured pictures of the bar, the drink specials, and "the girls."  I was stunned.

They either had cute faces and squishy bodies, were 40 or older (and looked too aged to be doing the job), or had MAJOR cases of lazy eye.

But I guess if you're a dancer, that can work to your favor.  Straddle two laps, and do two lap dances at the same time.  With derp-eye, you can look at both guys at the same time!

Guys LOVE eye contact, after all!  And if you can stare at two dudes at the same time, double the tips... right?

I'm sorry, but you can be a Victoria's Secret Model, and have a perfect body, flawless face, etc.  But if I look at you and see...


...it's not gonna happen.

Now I'm not a shallow guy.  Personality and wit weigh big on me, and there are a million factors to make a woman attractive.  But the entire purpose of a strip club or bikini bar is just to have hot (36-24-36) women grind on you, right?

Right?

Based on the 'talent' that worked there, I didn't expect this place to be open for long.  I was right, they shut down after under a month, but was shocked to find out it was because of solicited sex being rampant in the club.

Apparently guys, when they see boobs, can't control themselves and want more more more.  And girls, in this town, can't say no to money.  It fuels their meth habit, after all!

Anyway, there's my rant.  It makes me sad to think of all these undersexed men who will drool over the slightest bit of cleavage or a bare midriff...  But then again, I'm in Idaho, and it's February.  Meh.

(Note:  This is my first Dude Write submission!  I hope it becomes the first winner as well...)
Please Share it! :)

54 witty retorts:

Joe Somebody said...

Im shallow. I look for woman with boobs.

Shutterbug said...

I guess they're not picky in potato country. :)

Linksss said...

ha this is hilarious. I didn't kno there were no strip clubs in Idaho and it doesn't surprise me all the girls at the bikini bar were ugly

Autumnforest said...

I'm humored by this bikini bar. It's seems so innocent but in a place that is obviously repressed, it had the obvious conclusion--sex for hire. If it were New Orleans where men see boobs all the time, they'd be "ho-hum" (yawn). It's just like those kids who aren't allowed to drink Coke or listen to rock n' roll, come 18 years of age, they will go bonkers. Sounds like Idaho is full of 18-year-old boys. It's rather endearing and I have to wonder as a woman with D cups but in her 40s, I might be a hot delight there.

Lost.in.Idaho said...

I'm sure you're a hot delight, wherever you go.

But yeah you're right. They're more repressed on sexuality than the Amish are on technology... it's sad. Yet, as exampled above, amusing.

Lost.in.Idaho said...

Aww, the comment filter took out my "Shameless Flattery" tags! Maybe it looked too much like real HTML?

coolblogger said...

butterface- wow icing on the cake. Love your post. very funny.

Michelle said...

guuh sounds like a want to be strip club down the street from me, Jay Jays, or as we call it Va-Jay Jays. The women working there flaunt their sea section scars all over and cough up whole cats no joke.

donga5000 said...

It's amazing that strippers everywhere are unattractive, even if they don't strip.. great story

Ramsay said...

Haha a bikini bar? That sounds like it would be worth all the money you'd spend!(sarcasm) It's funny that only ugly Idaho's were dancing there to, just the butter on the bread.

'Auana said...

lol... nice butterface pic...

Lendo Khar said...

A few months ago, a maid cafe opened near my home, -just like in my japanese animes- and I read people complain about the same stuff, that those chicks aren't cute enough.

-DO- said...

"derp" i live in a very small city in austria (40k inhabitants) and we have 14 houses of prostitution, just imagine that

Laughing Vault said...

butterface xD we need paper bags

broham4567 said...

Funny story. That's kind of the way it is for the strip clubs in my town. Gross.

Mr. Kotor said...

Sadly I live in a small town without these benefits.

Shucks

metalpark_73192 said...

Damn feeling for you man!

murz90 said...

Nice town then...

G said...

We've just got a hooters open up - popular as hell with the guys but give it 6 months and it'll chill out

Zennith said...

That's gotta be weird acclimating yourself to the seemingly more prudish Idaho society.

RaZer said...

"derp" looool. I've seen girls like that, just instantly kills it.

Marcus Silva said...

derpcat can see into my soul.

JH said...

I can imagine idaho does not have the greatest choice of women

blaza1 said...

hahaa I loved this post! Following and supporting, keep up the great work! :)
http://blazaimagenes.blogspot.com/

The Duke said...

hahaha wow. I never got the whole "WE'RE GOING TO GET A BUNCH OF BROS AND STARE AT NAKED WOMEN TOGETHER" mind set. Let alone staring at girls in bikini's...I mean really that's what the internet is for.

Mac said...

lmao good post! :) looking forward to more like this! :D

Warlaw said...

This post reminds me of my first visit to a strip bar. I was in the Navy in Reno Nevada. Best 400 I ever spent haha.

mmmpieohyeah said...

a little boobs every now and then will not hurt anyone... i think..

Dr. Grim said...

I really don't get guys that go to strip clubs, let alone "bikini bars" XD, just stupid if you ask me...

Astronomy Pirate said...

I wonder if they allow guns?

fmylife23 said...

Not a problem with this at all.

Smog Town Leaf said...

OMG BOOBIES is right! Following for more :P

fadedline17 said...

Slim pickings in Idaho? xD

Dat Gui said...

No boobs allowed? D:

Ivan Montiel said...

I was instantly attracted to that bikini girl.

Wolfdog said...

Wow that is just interesting i never heard of a bikini bar until now haha and how you described the girls makes me laugh.

Alopix said...

Men are being overwhelmed by their insticts, that's well known :) Speaking for the bar, I don't think its going to make it for more than a year.

swagdigital said...

Mmmmm bikini girl!

spkt3r said...

haha, this is pretty funny. i have to admit, this is one of the more funny blogs i've seen. followed!

Aesop said...

I have known plenty of butter faces in my life, and each time I am just as dissapointed :-(

Alberto said...

Ha, that was hilarious, great post.

I see bikinis quite a lot here too when it's warm, and you don't even have to go to the beach to spot them.

Girls here will take any opportunity to do gardening in their bikinis, or go to the park and tan.

Bobby said...

A paper bag never hurt anyone...

Fanny said...

hahaha this is so funny ! x

squatlo said...

It's universal: We want what we don't have.

Thank said...

"Butter melts" is classic! Dude, I am at a restaurant laughing my tail off at this! The Mrs. thinks I have lost it right about now.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

I'd rather have a butter face, actually.

Lady Estrogen said...

Well, at least I have nice eyes then, thank feck, cuz there's butter all over me! *cough*

Pish Posh said...

Im gonna agree with Lady E here, I'm buttery, although that's not what my hubs thinks.. Women are far harder on themselves than men are.

I was gonna say though that everywhere I've gone, everywhere I've lived.. the more repressed the culture, the more crazy kinky drugs and sex weirdos you are likely to find.

I'm from a beach area too - and if someone was to randomly strip naked in the city I'm from they'd get some looks but hardly hoots and hollers - not much anyway. It happens.

Wily Guy said...

There was a song that had a line in the chorus that said, "Nice legs, shame about the face" that I just remembered while reading your post.

So Idaho guys spend a lot of time on the Internet then, eh?

Sad when our objectification of the fairer sex doesn't meet with our high expectations. It's back to wanting the slut in the bedroom and Julia Child in the kitchen. So glad I'm married now, I don't miss the bikini bar days.

WG
Great post, btw.

Bill Dameron said...

Well, I guess I'm one of those lucky guys that isn't controlled by boobs. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Joe said...

I spent a month in Idaho one week. You didn't convince me to go back.

Workingdan said...

Some crazy spuds over there in Idaho!

Youngman Brown said...

Oh man, you should send those guys to Vegas for a week.

Ash-Matic said...

Today I learned there are bikini bars.

If I ever went to one, and didn't get sand kicked in my face, I'd be quite disappointed.

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