Ads 468x60px

Subscribe:

10/28/11

My Shitty Week in Salt Lake City

Don't get me wrong, I had fun this week in SLC.  The title of this post is to be taken literally.

It's about poop.

not completely related, but funny
While doing my exciting "Feed Me, Twitter" project, I ate a lot of exciting and rich foods.  Overall the experiment was a huge success, except for one large problem.

I was blocked up pretty bad.  To the point where I was in a little pain.

I had never been in a position to have to buy a laxative before, so this is new territory for me.  Luckily I'm near a Target, so I run over to get something to help.

Soooooo many choices...

I decide on an ex-lax product that has chocolate instead of pills or liquid.  I think "eating chocolate can't be too bad" so I buy the box and head back to my car.

I still haven't picked up dinner, so I'm reading the instructions at a red light.

"Take 1-2 pieces as needed, or daily for regular use."

I open the box.

It only has two bars in it.

What kind of a laxative box only comes with two pieces in it?  (look at the picture.  See '24?'  I didn't...)

So I unwrap a bar, shove it in my mouth, and chew on the nastiest piece of chocolate I've ever had.  "Wow, that's a lot of chocolate for just one dose" I think as I swallow...

After I park, I think about it some more.  I look at the front of the box, and see '24.'  I take out the other bar, and notice it has 12 little grooved pieces you're supposed to break apart.

I just had 12... and you're only supposed to have 1-2 at a time...

Oh crap.  Literally.

I pick up dinner, sweating a little.  This is going to be a bad night.  Worried, I go back to the hotel, eat dinner, and wait.

...nothing.

Watch some TV, nothing.

Get tired, and go to bed... nothing...

Maybe it was a false alarm?  Maybe I'll be ok?

And I was.

....until about 2am...

Please Share it! :)

36 witty retorts:

Lady Estrogen said...

HOLY FECK... I was yelling at you when I was reading it.
I knew what was about to happen.
24 pieces, IN-F*CKING-DEED.
lol.

Sorry about your raw intestines and bum hole.

Random Girl said...

there really are just no words for this...... just a sound....EWWWWWW!!!

Jeff Unrelated said...

I can't tell you how much I appreciated you using Vegeta as a representation of your exploding bowels.

I used to watch DBZ all the time and I always thought to myself how much it looked like they were shitting their pants when they were powering up.

Haven said...

I'm sorry. I'm giggling madly over here. That really blows O_o.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Even I am shitting after reading this.

Pickleope said...

At one point did you stand up just to see how far you could rocket it out? You know, for distance trials.

squatlo said...

I thought I was the only blogger who needed adult supervision... Thanks for renewing my self-esteem.

gotjack28 said...

Although unfortunate this is too funny. As I was reading I had a feeling where this was going. The look on Vegeta's face speaks volumes.

J J Constantine said...

I feel for you, man. When I started college a few months ago, my diet drastically changed from home-cooked pasta meals every night to pop tarts, easy mac, ramen, and the occasional pizza. I think I had my first full week without pooping. I didn't take a laxative though, because apparently you can become dependent on them (not addicted - you literally start to need them to poop at all!) I can't imagine the kinds of things you felt that night.... I hope you're feeling better by now :D

the Tsaritsa said...

hahahahahaha, I can't believe you didn't read the carton!

Oh no! But at least it wasn't an instant ex-lax. I can't imagine being stuck in a car when the molten lava starts to flow. Ouchies!

Adsila said...

Holy crap, that was funny. (I'm sure it wasn't for you.)

Leila said...

That's why if I were you, I'd stick with more natural remedies. Cranberry juice or prune juice (both have to be all natural) helps my parents when they feel constipated. And in the long run, it cleans out your intestine. Eat a lot of spinach and fiber is another obvious one. Sorry about that!

D4 said...

lmfaoooo, badass! You're a trooper!

Autumnforest said...

That is rather funny. You played the oldest trick in the book on yourself.

Thank, Q said...

B, I can't stop laughing at this. The Mrs. is giving me the evil eye as she's trying to sleep while I'm giggling over here. I would have paid someone in college to do this as a dare and the fact that you did it unknowingly is funny as... well, you know.

I hope the gut grenades didn't hurt you too badly. I know that it didn't feel all that pleasant as you hollowed yourself out.

Be sure to take laxatives a little more seriously next time. LOL!

Orang3 said...

yummi reading sir

danjor21 said...

Holy shit man! Literally! On upside of this, I bet you lost some weight and felt like a million bucks when it was over!

Al Penwasser said...

Laxatives are tricky beasts. If nothing else, you never trust what you think is a just a simple fart.
Because you never know when you'll suffer an unscheduled bout of gastrointestinal distress.

Al Penwasser said...

Unless it happens in church.
Then you sit in your own pew.
(FULL DISCLOSURE: NOT my own joke. I just think it's funny. Because it's true).

Just a Male said...

On that note as I'm still laughing and my is looking at me like what the hell is he doing. I think to my self glad I'm not the maid at that hotel.

Kelly said...

Let me guess. You had the screaming shits at 2am.

meandmythinkingcap said...

hahaha. Propeller shit.
We went to Atlanta coke factory and they had about 112 flavors or something. The guide warned us before hand, so I didnt try much. But my hubby wanted portapotty in every milestone.
And they asked everyone to reuse their cups. My 4 year old twin, after tasting every flavor, instead of reusing his cup, replaced the cup back. Oops!

Joseph Cereola said...

Unless you've done a bowel prep for a colonoscopy, you have no idea.
http://www.livinginkelliesworld.com/2012/06/part-iii-of-my-colonoscopy-trilogy.html

Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom said...

Holy Shit! Cue the Immodium!

ken said...

At least you probably had a little time to catch up on your reading.

Daniel Nest said...

Oh crap man! Hope you've recovered by now!

Kianwi said...

What a closing photo! It captured every nuance of the rest of your evening perfectly :)

WilyGuy said...

Someone tried to feed me ex-lax brownies one time and were forever asking "if everything came out alright" which I never understood until someone confessed to me. Sadly, I use have eaten bananas and cheese with them because I never had anything less than solid.

Michael said...

I'm guessing you will never do that again... unless you have a really sick sense of humor. LOL


Michael A. Walker
Defying Procrastination

Who Woulda Thought? said...

I have never had to take any laxative, my body produces it naturally....

workingdan said...

I bet you could've launched yourself to the moon with the sheer force of the shit coming out your anus!

Chubby Chatterbox said...

Fun post. In college we had a mooch who stole all our food. I had my girlfriend bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies using ex-lax for the chips. This guy showed up and , without asking, ate all the cookies, Later that evening the ex-lax worked---while he was on a date and parked at a lake. Sweet revenge.

YoungmanBrown said...

This was an "explosive" story :)

Funny sidenote... I was LOLing after reading the story anyway, but when I read your labels, it sent me over the edge.

Brandon from lostinidaho.me said...

I almost included the label 'my apologies to the hotel housekeeping staff...'

Rusty said...

"Sharing is caring!"


Why yes, yes it is.


Plumbing in order when you finished, because I'm sure it would have taken a hammering

Roly C said...

LOL Bet you had the trots for a week. Found you on Dude Write btw

Post a Comment

Comments are always appreciated. Sometimes they end up being better than the initial post! Come join in on the fun... (and remember, you can post anonymously)

And if you like the post, feel free to share! Stumble, Digg, Tweet, go bananas!