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Fun in the Sun: The Lagoon Amusement Park (but wait, it gets better...)

I spent the week in Salt Lake for work, and am going down to California to visit my boys for the weekend.  It means 6 days in hotel rooms, but it's a fun adventure.

My gf is coming down to Cali with me, and joined me in Salt Lake Friday.  We decided to go to Utah's 125 year old Amusement Park, The Lagoon.

The Lagoon was a fun trip, but not for the conventional "Disneyland-esque" ways.  For example, Lagoon has rollercoasters, and Disneyland does not.

In fact, one of Lagoon's rollercoasters is called... wait for it... Roller Coaster.

Built in 1921, this wooden monstrosity is older than my Grandparents, and felt like it.  The ride was rickety, the wood looked ancient, and the ride's decorations were all "old-timey."  No loops or major twists, but the scary part of the roller coaster was its age.

There were other roller coasters, as well as a good handful of water rides.  Within hours, we were soaked and smiling.

Some of the other attractions at Lagoon were the people.  It was almost more fun to people-watch than to ride the rides.

Mormons were everywhere and easy to spot.  Even with a water park, you'd see 'modest' girls wearing a tanktop with a t-shirt underneath.  Men had polos on, side-parted hair, and perfect posture.

If they were exiting from a coaster screaming "Gosh that was a scary ride!" you knew what you were dealing with.

Another thing that bothered me were all the young girls aged 8-14 dressing as skimpy as possible.  My generation, the slutty tweens went to the mall.  In 21st century Utah they go to the Lagoon.  The picture on the left doesn't do it justice but will give you the gist.

Imagine 11-12 year old girls wearing tight skimpty booty shorts, a cutoff button-down tshirt, with the middle as open as possible.  There was a pair walking around with bling-ish "Babydoll" necklaces and showing as much skin as possible.  One had on a polkadot bikini top that at least covered her boobs up.  The other (poor thing hadn't 'blossomed' yet...) had on ahalf-sheer bikini top.

My gf wanted to know what their necklaces said, so I tried to peek while being sly.  They were hard to read, but I eventually got "Babydoll" from the cheap rhinestones.  The bad part was I also inadvertently saw preteen nipple because of the sheer bikini top.

I still feel dirty.  I've showered 3 times and my skin is raw.... WHY CAN'T I GET CLEAN???

Overall it was a fun trip, but I'm looking more forward to hanging with my boys this weekend.  Maybe I'll take them to Knott's Berry Farm, and show them a REAL amusement park???
Please Share it! :)

16 witty retorts:

Cheeseboy said...

Our Lagoon is fun for a day, but overall a total joke. you definitely nailed the nail on the head. But Lagoon does give you a good mixture of the people that live in Utah.

My kids HATE Lagoon because I have taken them to Knotts, 6 Flags, Hershey Park, etc. Now they just laugh at the "Roller Coasters" at Lagoon and I am proud of them for this.

Also, you'll be happy to know that I do not wear polos and I do not part my hair on the side.

squatlo said...

The old fairgrounds in Knoxville used to have a wooden "Mad Mouse" roller coaster that was scary as shit!~ It had old, creaking, shaky rafters, rusty old boxes with minimal safety bars to keep your ass from being launched hundreds of feet to your death in the lake below, and was operated by inbred mutant carnies with tattoos and piercings. Riding that thing made hang gliding off a cliff sound like a safer alternative.

About the nubile young nips and your "Lady Macbethian" quest for cleanliness... just remember, soap is such a slut!

Autumnforest said...

Seriously not surprised about the tween girls, after all they are on the marriage market there.

Josie said...

I LOVE Lagoon and I go there every summer. BUT I've never been to any other park so......yeah. You should have seen the people the day I went. There was a Playboy bunny and a really fat fairy princess.

Chess said...

Ah Lagoon. You nailed that scene. I hate that white rollercoaster, I get bruised on it. But you go because of the memories and the people you're with. :)

PS. But I guess maybe us dorky Mormons with our modest undershirts were a little better than the skimpy tweens? ;) said...

@chess: Modesty wins over trash any day, but what about a happy medium?

Al Penwasser said...

Those kind of amusement parks are the best. Disney, while fun, still blows (I realize 'fun' and 'blows' at first seem to be mutually exclusive terms. On the other hand...).
But, all those Jon Benet Ramsey lookalikes would definitely skeeve me out.
Question: Does the "Lagoon" offer bicycle parking for the Mormons?
NOTE: The preceding gratuitous shot at people from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (NOTE within a NOTE: Geez, how many frikkin' names does a religion need?) in no way reflects the opinions held by the author, who thinks Mormons are really very nice people (who hoard rice and wear long underwear).

Al Penwasser said...

By the way, a "happy medium" is a lady whose predictions come true.
As opposed to the Blind Hooker. You really hadda hand it to her, though.

Pickleope said...

You can't get clean because water parks are cesspools if urine and ringworm. Last time I went to one I found a bandaid floating. That was 15 years ago.
By the way, with clever names like "Roller Coaster" was there one named "Cart Goes Zoom Zoom"?

Inverse said...

That sounds really inappropriate.

This Guy said...

I don't do anything that contains water or roller coasters. Too many of these kids thinking they are cool, going on coasters and puking, and too many kids peeing in pools and pooping in them.

Vapid Vixen said...

Ahh Lagoon. Where fun is and where innocence goes to die. For some reason it makes me happy you partook in the horror. Misery loves company? At least you'll have California and the gf to help you through the recovery process.

myjoyproject said...

one has to wonder if that picture you posted counts as kiddie porn on some level. So wrong is so many ways... and I feel sorry for the middle kid in the red suit (what was her mother thinking??).

Have fun in Cali!

Powdered Toast Man said...

I thought that was a test from you gf to see if you would look at pre-teen nipple.

Al Penwasser said...

Wasn't that picture from "Driving Miss Sunshine"? Pretty funny movie.

Al Penwasser said...

And wasn't the one in the red suit "Miss Sunshine"?

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