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8/29/11

Mormons are One Thing, But Jehovah's Witnesses???

I was visited the other day by a group of Jehovah's Witnesses.

Wait, visited isn't the right word....

I was aurally molested the other day by a group of Jehovah's Witnesses.


Since moving to Idaho, I have been immersed in LDS culture.  I have a few Mormon friends, and know a lot of crazy Mormon kooks (these are the ones I blog about...).  This town, from time to time, feels like it's ran by the LDS church.

But at the same time, if you tell them to back off, they will.  Jehovah's Witnesses, however, do not.

You see, the JW's believe there is no hell.  They believe in destruction for the wicked, not eternal damnation.  Therefore, they need to save your soul, lest you be destroyed.  And they have no problem telling you this...

Wearing your heart on your sleeve is one thing.  Shoving said sleeve down a person's throat is a bit much.  Maybe they should only have teens go door to door like the Mormons do?  You never see a teen foaming at the mouth about how "your heathenistic ways are a festering wound on God's love for you," do you?

The thing is, I was a JW for a short time in my youth.  My mom wanted to find religion, and was looking for a good "quick fix" church to belong to.  She was visited by the JW's one morning, drank their kool-aid, and all of a sudden mom proclaimed "That's it, we're Jehovah's Witnesses now.  Praise God..."

My brother and I were both under 10, so we did what mommy said.  Dad didn't want any part of it, so the three of us went to church, bible study, etc.

Months later, in mid October, we found out something chilling:  They don't let you celebrate Halloween...  I was pissed.

Later on, we found out you're not allowed to celebrate Christmas either.  They shun on sinful holidays like that, for some reason (pagan hoo-doo, or something...).  Mom let us mail letters to Santa anyway, and tried to hide it from the church.  However, one JW neighbor decided to read our outgoing mail, and showed up with Santa letters in hand, yelling and screaming at mom about how she was sending us into oblivion....

Needless to say, that didn't last long.  Don't fuck with a kid's Christmas.  The end.

So yeah, Mormons are kooky.  But Jehovah's Witnesses?  They freak me the fuck out.  They're just so.... intense...

Is it wrong to consider having a can of mace doorside, just in case they show up again??
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25 witty retorts:

A Beer for the Shower said...

Isn't it a federal offense to tamper with the mail? I wouldn't feel a bit bad about making a fuss about something like that with the LDS'ers.

Gucci Mama said...

Reason #654,831,124,567,664,888 I live in a gate community.

Pickleope said...

Was it Prince who came to your door (noted JW)? That would be great, I'd convert for an acapella version of Purple Rain.

pv said...

hehe i had my fair share of them, but now its just simple sunday church goers giving a pamphlet

Leeanna said...

The JW's out here in my part of Texas are either old Mexican or white ladies. They walk the streets like old hookers looking for signs of life.
Basically everyone on my street has learned to bring in the dogs and cats, close and lock the windows and doors, pull the drapes and hide under the blankets in a dark bedroom on Saturday mornings.
Otherwise I just keep a fire extinguisher by the front door and wait. Reason being once they see me sitting on the front porch reading they all flock to my house. David(hubby loves it cause when I tell them I'm a Witch (and I am) they all burst into flame and start spouting off about my soul,God and crap like that. I just put them out with the extinguisher and they fluster away like pidgins in a park. It's a fun sport.

Gucci Mama said...

*gated.

GodDAMMIT, iPhone.

mjunta said...

lol

The Minute Man's Wife said...

I find opening the door naked usually does the trick. They never come back!

Not the Hero said...

I once had JW's knock on my door and ask if my parents allowed me to watch music videos. I told them yup and that they let me watch porn too. They didn't want to come in after that. They just gave me this pamphlet told me to read it. I said I would, just before I wiped my ass with it. It is cheaper than toilet paper.

They didn't come back.

D4 said...

Usually taking whatever they're offering and saying "I gotta go now" works for me, but on the chance they decide to keep talking, I have a plan.

Stand still and unzip your pants. They're probably already on their way well away from you. If not, just let them slide down, stand there in your boxers (or underwear of choice) with your pants by your ankles and act like everything is normal. They will NOT tolerate it and walk away.

MRanthrope said...

they seem nuts...but IMO, so do ALL organized religions. Just say no folks.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Some Jovies targetted my dad while he was grieving after my mum died. They kept visiting and leaving pamphlets so I rang their church and asked them to lay off. To their credit they did and left him alone.

Autumnforest said...

Haha. I made a woodburned sign and hung it up neatly on my front door. "No solicitation, ESPECIALLY religious." My friends wanted me to mass produce them. The Mormons just creep me out and are a mild nuisance, but the JW's are freaking stalker-ish. One time, they knocked in spite of the sign and I said, "I'd be happy to talk to you another time. Right now, I'm in the middle of my Devil worship." I slammed the door shut. They never came back again. Yeah, they're like ticks in the woods.

Zombie said...

Whenever those guys come trolling around my door I always answer in my underwear. Scares them off every time! lol.

Vapid Vixen said...

I actually served a mission for the Mormon church. We ran into some JW's knocking doors on the same street. We suggested they try one side first, we'll do the other. If they don't like our message they might like theirs and we can switch.
They didn't even crack a smile.
Ah well.

Lost.in.Idaho said...

@Vapid Vixen: BEST. COMMENT. EVER!!

AllenTesch said...

When they stop by my place I'm usually smoking and drinking. I'm polite, but they never come back.

Jessica Thompson said...

Haha that's great!

Raquel's World said...

LMAO....

I posted about the Mormons sometime ago
http://beelieveit.blogspot.com/2011/03/meet-davids-new-friendsthe-mormons.html

It was quite funny. JW...I don't get the people per se but they do luv to leave me their "WatchTower" mags in my door.

Choirchick22 said...

I have a good friend who was raised JW. If we wanted him at our birthday parties we had to give him an invite that said Come to our Fun Party! Instead of Birthday party. Wanna know the hilarious part? He worked with his family business of renting out Jumping Castles for birthday parties. I always thought that was interesting.

Mama Spaghetti said...

When I was a kid, my mom used to make us hide in the back of the house with all the lights off when she saw them coming down the street so they thought we weren't home when we didn't answer the door.

They are a bit intense.

Thank, Q said...

I dealt with a couple about three months ago. A couple of nice guys, but I basically told them that I wasn't interested. They don't come around that often here. I see them maybe once a month and they don't appear to be pushy. I remember my father inviting them in when I was a kid and arguing with them. LOL! I don't have the patience. I don't buy what you're selling, thanks, but no thanks.

Danny Haszard said...

Jehovah's Witnesses blood transfusion confusion.

Tens of thousands of Jehovah's Witnesses including countless children that have perished since the 1940s when the no blood doctrine was enforced.
Simple fact-The Bible does not prohibit Blood transfusions.If you are bleeding to death it is more dangerous to refuse a blood transfusions than to take one.
Bloodless surgeries are great if they can be elective.1/3rd of all trauma deaths are from blood loss.

1) Jehovah's Witness do use many parts 'fractions' components of blood,so if it's 'sacred' to God why the hypocritical contradiction flip-flop?

2) They use blood collections that are donated by Red Cross and others but don't donate back,more hypocrisy.

3) The Watchtower promotes and praises bloodless elective surgeries,this is a great advancement indeed, it's no good to me if I am bleeding to death from a car crash and lose much of my blood volume and need EMERGENCY blood transfusion

The Watchtower society leaders of Jehovah's Witnesses will not allow a follower to pre store their OWN blood called autologous blood,yet allows the transfusion of so-called Hemopure made from Bovine cow blood.
---
Danny Haszard

dannyhaszard(dot)com

Anonymous said...

Mormons r freaky too! They practice polygamy disgusting! Look up sister wives! Then they think they have the power to change the date of national holidays such as the 4 th of July no parade or fireworks till Monday! Where I live if a holiday falls on a Sunday they change it to Monday! Ugh! I need to get out of Idaho!

Mondo said...

Absolutely nuts, critical of everyone else, will lie and cheat as long as it's someone out of their community that they're cheating on.

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