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12/30/11

Local Business Spotlight - The Missionary Mall

With a name like 'Missionary Mall' you were hoping it was just a bland sex shop, right?

Nope.

Meet one of the newer businesses to pop up in Eastern Idaho:  The Missionary Mall.  It is where the young mormons go to shop to get clothing and accessories for their 2-year mission of preaching and harassing unsuspecting people.

For the Grand Opening, they even had a giant inflatable "Mormon Man" in the front.

Mormon Man is the second-dullest super hero in existence (Sorry Aqua Man, you just suck...)

The Missionary Mall is the Walmart-Equivalent for Mormons on the go.  They have a checklist for missionaries on a budget, and everything comes with a 2-year guarantee, so you won't have to replace anything mid-mission.

Their lists is 2 Suits, 2 Pairs of Shoes, 6 ties, and 8 Shirts for 2 years of service.  Think about that list the next time you meet a missionary.  Smelly, over-worn pants and shoes...

As silly as I think some of the basic premises of their religion are, I have to show a little respect for these kids.  At a young age, being uprooted for 2 years and living in a strange land, having to talk to complete strangers and get blown off day after day...

Oh wait, that was college for me.  Except I did it in 4 instead of 2.  And got laid from time to time...

To any future-missionaries reading this:  Can I give you a word of advice?  Odor Eaters.  And maybe a few extra pairs of pants.  I know you're going to end up on my doorstep from time to time, but I'd rather not be able to see you, hear you, AND smell you.  This isn't a 'how many senses can we stimulate' game...

If anyone wants to come to Eastern Idaho and open up a S&M store called "Heathen's Haven" next to this store, I will love you forever.  Oh the shocked faces!
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13 witty retorts:

Haven said...

Heathen's Haven =)

I think I should Trademark that. I have all the basics down too! Lack of faith in any diety? Check. Familiarity with stripper attire and sex toys? Check. I'll need someone to help me pick out porn though. I'd rather be doing it than watching it, yanno?

Mormons don't bother my parents house anymore. Not after the last time....

Pickleope said...

"Bland sex shop" made me snort with laughter. Why does Mormon Man look angry? I wonder if you have to prove you're a Mormon before shopping there because it could double as a sweet Halloween shop.
Heathen's Heaven has to have a swingers club in the back and some nudey booths.

Leeanna said...

Hmmmmm, "Heathen's Haven". Very catchy, almost like an STD. Is that *snarky* enough or do you need me to go full "blow" BWAAHAhahahahahaaasnort!

Lady Estrogen said...

That kills me that it exists... and the 2 year guarantee is just the cherry. One of which they'll never pop - mid-mission, anyway. FOR SHAME.
lol

Shutterbug said...

LOL! only in Idaho...

D4 said...

You should walk in and ask if they could pierce your navel or something.

Mooner's Full Of Holiday Spirits said...

Brandini. If I send my sizes will you buy me some of those magic Mormon underwear?

LadyE- that look of distaste is because he was just told that his daddy is wedding his thirteen-year-old girlfriend.

"Mormons- one little 'r' from the truth."

I need to copywrite that one.

Lost.in.Idaho said...

You know, Mooner... Your online store can be more than just Rick Perry...

And that would make a catchy tshirt...

Lost.in.Idaho said...

Wait... One little r... Is it momons then, or morrmons?

Or do you mean 'one little m?'

Thank, Q said...

Is Morman Man anything like Trojan Man?

On My Soapbox said...

Shirts and ties but no magic underwear? What is the world coming to? ;-)

R.gers said...

Woah, seriously? A mall dedicated into providing uniforms and then annoying me?

Mooner's Full Of Holiday Spirits said...

Brandini. I, of course, meant little "M". Thanks for the correction. I like the store product idea. Suggestions?

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