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My work is trying to be an "Of excellence" workplace

Everything is better when it's excellent, isn't it?

I work for a non-profit agency.  They're not happy with being just another non-profit.  They are working on becoming an "Agency of Excellence."

Apparently you can do that.  It requires years of policy updates, performance reviews, and hoops after hoops to jump through.

My agency has been trying for this "of excellence" title for about 4 years now.  This week, an official 'excellence' review team came in, reviewed our policies, and made suggestions on how to become more excellent.

(Can you tell how much I like this word?  Excellent?  I'm not sure if I want to say it a-la-Spicoli, Wayne's World, or Bill & Ted.  While similar, they are all excellent in their own special ways.  But I digress...)

To improve our excellence rating, signs have been going up throughout our office.  Most are framed motivational posters with "Perseverance" and "Focus" messages.  Cheesy, yes, but apparently they motivate us.  Go fig.

I'd like to share 2 of the more unconventional signs that have popped up.  Both are in the restrooms.

First is a "how to change a roll of toilet paper" sign.  It reads as follows: (my retorts are in red)

Bathroom Skills for the Workplace

Your mother doesn't work here....

  1. You are responsible to change the roll yourself when you use the last squares.
  2. When the roll is empty... squeeze the silver holder together (on the end of the roll away from the middle).
  3. Swing the end piece out.
  4. Remove empty roll.  (um, duh?)
  5. Replace roll.  (oh sheesh, really?)
  6. Swing end piece back in place until it snap in place (Grammar are good!)

Smile and realize that you have done your bit for society and a happy workplace.

It makes me a little sad that people need to be told these things, but there is a similar "clean up your messes" sign in the break room.  Some people don't know how to clean up after themselves??

Next is a most excellent sign, found on the men's urinal.

You need to read it to believe it...

"Help Prevent Spillage by getting a little closer.  ('re not as blessed as you think...)"

Now, is someone peeping at my tater-tot, or is that just a general assumption??

Either way, it's both offensive and hilarious.  Therefore, excellent.

Are there any funny, pointless, or just plain ridiculous signs at your place of business?  If so, please share here.  My workplace can't be the only "Workplace of *cough* excellence" out there.
Please Share it! :)

29 witty retorts:

Astronomy Pirate said...

Ah passive aggressive signs. I've never had a problem with that at any place of employment, but my one dorm hall in college had an RA had to have a sign every 5 feet it seemed.

Also, clearly the best way to say excellent is like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons.

THE SNEE said...

Hahahahahaha! This is so funny. There's nothing better than EXCELLENT signage. Your agency has definitely achieved excellence in this department!

Alphabeta said...

Excellent post.

K - so I'm constantly broke, but I do not miss this type of teeth gritting ridiculousness at the office.

You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps!

Kelly said...

Heh heh. Those signs were funny. I would add, "Please Be Considerate and Flush After You Pinch Off A Few Logs."

I hate walking in and seeing a toilet bowl full of turds and piss. It's really disgusting.

Btw, you asked, "Is someone peeping at my tater-tot?" Just that freaky co-worker with the Justin Beiber haircut and weird goodly eyes.

Autumnforest said...

I think Spicoli would go for "most excellent." That urinal one is a winner! Nothing like having your employer speculate about your endowments to give you a bit of performance anxiety.

D4 said...

I'd really enjoy my work if there was such funny things to think about. It might not work as intended, but it'd SO work.

Chunky Mama said...

Love it. LOL

Alice X said...

Blog love coming your way...

Laughing Vault said...

those are pointless signs :D

Kicking Rocks said...

those signs are excellent!!!

Lady Estrogen said...

The best sign I ever saw was:
"Flush until all the poo was gone."
Ahh, grammar.
I'll have to see if I still have the photo I took of it.

Al Penwasser said...

Catering to the lowest common denominator.

Shelby Fox said...

Flush until all the poo was gone? Wtf!

So glad I don't work at one of these places haha

Rob said...

I'm betting someone will sue the company for the step forward one, as defamation of character, or something dumb, "you're not as blessed as you think"? That's a bit harsh, that's like the only thing dudes get upset about in terms of physical appearance.

Pickleope said...

So they're promoting excellence by telling the male workers they have small dicks? Harsh. Our HR department only went so far as to post a sign to wash hands and "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat."

Zombie said...

I would actually rate this blog 'A' for AWWWWWSOME!!

Underground Dude said...

I'm just wondering what this agency of excellence commented on to prompt these signs to go up:

This organization would be excellent if it weren't for those pesky empty toilet paper rolls in the stalls and the icky pee stains all over the floor and seats. tsk tsk.

squatlo said...

Back when I worked for a living the company I toiled for attempted to qualify for some mystical ISO 9000 program that was supposed to make our quality issues go away. They never stressed better quality, but they damn sure stressed passing the audit to earn the ISO 9000 blessing. Of course it was soon renamed the Asshole 9000 by yours truly, and the name stuck.

About the pissie issues at the urinal, I saw a sticker that resembles a housefly that businesses can affix to the wall of the urinal just above the water line. Apparently, guys will take very careful aim if they think they can drown a fly with a stream, and the urinals with the fly stickers were testing cleaner than those without. Go figure...
I just know if you get too close to the damn things you find out how cold urinal water is (and in the words of Richard Pryor's Mudbone, "It's deep, too!")

Acrylic Ingenuity said...

hilarious, good post

Jazz bazooka said...

just one word excellent

Skankin_Pete said...

Those signs are indeed excellent!

Simon black said...

lol at the sign.

Asty said...

passive-aggressive signs, the best. no?

Thank, Q said...

Is that legit? LOL! That's crazy! This looks like some of Squatlo's daily guano. I take it you guys have a really clean bathroom there!

Anonymous said...

I suppose if you're attempting to create a culture of excellence, someone things you need to start from the ground and work your way up

Ally said...

Before I got laid off a hundred years ago, I worked in ad agencies. They too have something similar tot his and the last agency I freelanced for had some special dude come in and go through all of our policies, etc. It felt kinda stressful to be honest.

I miss having a work place to go to, freelancing from home I feel funny to hang signs for my husband that say, "Your Mother Doesn't Work Here."

Dwija {House Unseen} said...

The "get closer" sign is freaking hysterical.

You know why my workplace don't got no funny signs? 'Cause I ain't got no job! BLAM!


Jason said...

Lovely blog and post! keep up the great work!

The Empress said...

If this isn't actually a joke then perhaps you should place an anonymous sign of your own that says:

"If you don't already know and practice all of the helpful reminders that are popping up around the office, then you might want to check into elementary school for a few weeks and take a refresher course. Now wipe the pee-pee off of your shoes and get back to work."

'E' is for Elementary School Rules.

The Ranter's Box

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