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5/21/11

Movie theaters piss me off

My wonderful girlfriend received some free movie tickets to go see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, so we and her coworkers went to see the premiere.

Honestly, the movie itself wasn't so bad.  Solid 7 out of 10, I'd say.

But my problem isn't with the movie itself... it was with the event as a whole.

Being a premiere, it was packed.  We were toward the front of the line, so the crowding wasn't so bad.  But before the premieres started, the theater manager had to come in, announce "saving seats is not allowed" and went over the rules of the theater before she'd leave us alone.  Best of all, it was done entirely via megaphone, about 6 feet from my face.

I wanted to 'boo' her.

Next up were the previews.  There are a few good summer flicks coming out, but some of the premiers bothered me.

First up was the movie-rendition of Rock'em Sock'em Robots.  I kid you not.  Watch the vid...


I used to play boxing robots when I was a kid.  But not once did I say "hey, you know what?  This would make a kickass movie!"  Hugh Jackman, whatever they paid you for this, it wasn't enough.

Next was the token goofball comedy: Zookeeper...


Paul Blart: Mall Cop meets Dr. Doolittle in this zany comedy of a dimwitted, unattractive zookeeper trying to win a shallow supermodel's love.  The sad thing is... people will pay to see this.  A lot of people...

Ok, enough of the previews.  The movie starts, and it's the normal Pirates style.  Jack Sparrow has some zany misadventures, almost dies yet narrowly escapes, and then the true adventure can start.   Dun dun dun!!!

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....."

Um, what?

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....."

Yes folks, there's a baby in the theater.  And no, mommy isn't leaving with the baby... she'd miss the movie!!  Instead, she tries to shoosh him for a good 5 minutes before finally giving up, and exiting the theater.

But wait....

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....."

Not another one...

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....."

Yep.  One in the back, one in the front.  Luckily this mommy got the hint faster.

Lucky for her, too.  If she were any closer, or took any longer, I would have hucked a gummy worm at her.  I mean, who brings a baby to a loud PG-13 movie theater on opening day?  Either find a babysitter or come another time.  Disrupting a crowd of 250+ because of your own selfishness is just plain rude.

The rest of the movie played on, the ending was predictable, humorous, and left enough open for yet another sequel.  The movie itself was decent, but the environment kind of got on my nerves.

After the movie was done, the group wanted to stay together and hang for a bit.  In the same mini-mall area is a self-serve Frogurt place a-la-pinkberry, but a little different.  It's called Orange Leaf (see what they did there?) and it was packed.

Packed with teens.

Prom teens.

Kinda slutty-ish prom teens.  I don't remember the girls at my prom looking this trashy, and we were in the ghetto.  Trashy was our middle name.

Nope, here in mormon-ville, this is the one time girls can look as trashy as they want and it's ok.  Short poofy skirts were a-plenty.  One girl's dress was so short I could tell you what type of underwear she had on.  The bad thing is I could probably get arrested if I told you...

The favorite out of the slutty prom crew was this blonde in the red dress.  Our group all decided that she did her hair in the 'messy look' so mommy and daddy wouldn't be able to tell if she rolled out of her date's back seat or not.

Or maybe she just did, and her hair was perfect about a half hour ago... who knows?

At least the night ended with some amusement.  And a great idea.  They have these little juice-filled boba balls you can add to your yogurt.  I'm going to make an alcoholic version of it, open up an 'adult' pinkberry and just call it "Drunk-Ass Yogurt."  Come on in, and eat your way to a good buzz!

What do you think?  Would you like booze for dessert?  Sounds tempting, doesn't it??
Please Share it! :)

31 witty retorts:

Mynx said...

I have no idea what a boba ball is, but filling them with alcohol sounds like an excellent idea to me.
Glad to hear you enjoyed the movie, was thinking of going sometime myself

The Empress said...

Crying babies and movie theaters do not mix. People who text from their iphones in the middle of movies drive me crazy too!

Wow! Those prom chicks certainly were of the trashy variety. I'm guessing little miss red dress probably played a round of hide the salami on the way to the yogurt place. Very skanky!!

I'm totally down with your idea of an adult version of pinkberry. Brilliant!

Anonwadi said...

I just realized I haven't been in a theatre in over a year. But I'm not missing it. Your article pretty much sums up why I don't like it.

L.S.B said...

The babies in cinemas thing really bothers me too. I mean honestly, is your baby going to have tons of fun being crushed up in a crowd of 200 people and having surround sound blasted at it? Obviously not. Bah!

I want a yoghurt bar in England. That would be awesome.

ironchefman said...

I had this exact experience the last time I saw a movie in theaters - 4 years ago.
The sound was so loud it practically blew out my eardrums, which could have been good so I wouldn't hear the babies that were "enjoying" an action movie.
And then wandering the mall after the movie were several awkward teens dressed like tramps. What parent lets their daughter walk around with a shirt that says "I KISS BOYS"?!
Thank you netflix. The 6 - 8 month wait for DVDs is well worth never having to go to a theater again.

The Angry Lurker said...

I hate any noise in a cinema and have been known to let my feelings show to the person in question, so now I go to early or late shows and even sometimes wait a week before going to see new movies.

Annabelle said...

HOLY SHIT...IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD...ANGRY LURKER WAS NOT THE FIRST TO COMMENT!

The whole 80s feel to those prom dresses freaks me out.

When Im tequila drunk, I crave ice cream...i think you're on to something there.

The Minute Man's Wife said...

"No babies allowed" should really be added to that list of rules!!

Seriously.

Jewels said...

Booze for dessert sounds like heaven...i say go for it. Those dressed and red dresses hair are ridiculous! Prom dresses at a movie theatre is never alright!

Nom de Plume said...

lol, I love how you just take photos of them :D

Shutterbug said...

I like actual dessert for dessert! Bring on the ice cream! :)

becca said...

wow i totally would have been pissed as well

My Life

Leminur said...

Hah! You take picture so you can proof what has happened! Awesome!

kobosei said...

I dont like going to movie theaters in my town Too many stupid teenagers!

Silk said...

well, i saw the movie, it sucks to know that only three characters remain from the previous film, jack sparrow and two crew members and that it doesn't even follow on!

squatlo said...

My wife and I went to see True Grit when it came out, but wisely went on a Tuesday morning during school hours. The place was practically deserted, and the adults who WERE there didn't play on their phones through the entire movie. Before that my last theater experience was The Simpsons Movie three or four years earlier.
The deafening sound systems, the sticky floors, the asshole children kicking the back of your seat, the adults narrating films for their infants, people with head colds sniffing and slurping coke through straws from the bottoms of empty two gallon cups, open-mouth chewing slobs snarfing down feed bags of popcorn... and paying a king's ransom for the privelege?
I used to love going to movies, but there isn't ANYTHING that will get me back in a theater now.

If I were IN CHARGE, theaters would offer patrons free headphones that plugged into jacks in the armrests of the seats, adjustable volumes. Alternative viewings would be screened that were ADULTS ONLY, not for content but for the pleasure of adults who don't want their fifty dollar movie "experience" ruined by a squawling brat or jabbering three year old. Another alternative viewing would offer closed captioning for the hearing impaired, because a lot of them would go if they knew what was being said on screen.
I'd pay to have a bouncer patrolling the theater tossing anyone whose phone rang, or who felt the need to beep-beep-beep text throughout the movie, or for talkers...
Guess I'm not fit for public any more...

D4 said...

Watch out, you'll be enjoying BOTH those movies yourself. I'll remember.

I'm also deeply interested in your alcoholic yogurt. However if I went to your business, I wouldn't be able to drink. Poo.

Autumnforest said...

This is why I got a big screen TV. I don't ever want to have to sit with chatterboxes talking about the movie--or what they're doing that evening, cell phones, out of place laughter, the smell of popcorn (smells like stinky feet). UGH!

Shona said...

Yeah, I hate seeing a movie that just came out in theaters.. that's why I wait like a week..

I swear, one day I'm going to have a projector !!!! lol

Zombie said...

Yesterday the theater was so packed to see the new Pirates!!

Random Girl said...

it takes something really spectacular to get me to the theater for all the reasons you described. If I do, I usually roll out sans princess and hit a 2pm when the odds of screaming toddlers and rude ass people are slightly diminished. Good on you for capturing the moment with the slutty prom chicks... classic. Prom for teenagers must now be like halloween for grown women, a yearly excuse to dress like a slut and get away with it... ahh the memories...

Greg said...

Man I hate kids crying in theaters, but worse than that is people talking. Just being in a crowded movie theater is the worse, I always went during the week and always afternoon matinées. Like having the whole theater to yourself.

Admin said...

Lucky you. Having a girlfriend.

On My Soapbox said...

This is exactly we we made a kick-ass home theater (well, and for lots of other reasons, too). Projectors are fairly reasonably priced. :-)

Leila said...

What trashy dresses. Who wears puffy ones anymore? Idaho-ian sluts are SO out of the loop. At least the Connecticut tramps at my prom wore fashionable and sleek gowns with cut outs around their waste and a swooping V-neck. They're very fashionable... and slutty... but at least they actually look good. And who goes to the movies after prom anyway?

Jacki said...

As much as I love to see most movies on the big screen I have given up completely on theaters for all the reasons you mention above (oh, and being a short person, always getting the tall guy to sit right in front of me in an almost empty theater).

Melanie said...

this is why i am happy to have an operating drive in close by!

Kev D. said...

"The bad thing is I could probably get arrested if I told you..."

HILARIOUS.

I think you'd like my "Requesting an Audience" post about audiences at the movie theaters...

http://highway10revisited.blogspot.com/2011/01/requesting-audience.html

wellpickedbooger said...

Both those previews made me wonder how the hell those movies got greenlit, seriously.

Rob said...

I'm writing a movie that intentionally tries to be crappy, and points it out.

It'll make billions.

Totally agree with your thoughts on the pirates flick :D

Movie theaters just blow now a days. Shameful but true.

Thank, Q said...

Man, I spent every penny I could on having the theater experience at home. I got sick of kids at Rated: R movies and tired of people who have seen the movie 85 times ruining scenes for you. I do one or two movies per year because I don't like the garbage that goes with it.

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