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5/7/11

My twisted Mother's Day post, thanks in part to my twisted mother

I'm a day premature, but I would like to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all the mother's in my life.

To my girlfriend, who has never known the feeling of childbirth, but it still one of the best mothers out there...

To my girlfriend's mom, thank you for accepting me into your family.  I feel honored and blessed to have a new set of 'in-laws' that I can actually tolerate.

To the mother of my children, thank you for helping create two wonderful amazing boys.  We may not have worked out, but meh.  (And boys, do something nice for your mom.  Give her extra hugs and kisses tomorrow.)  *look, see?  I can be civil...*

And to my mom.

*sigh*

Where do I begin?  Be careful out there, mmmk?


A quick background on my mom.  She married my dad the day after her 18th birthday.  They dated for a while, and her dad (my Papou) did not approve.  So when she turned eighteen, they hightailed it to Las Vegas.

Mom & Dad finally split about 5ish years ago, and mom picked up where she pretty much left off.  She regressed back to the spirit of an 18 year old, and has been partying ever since.

My mom is now 49, going on 21.  She's still my ma, but it almost feels like a little sister at times.

When my ex and I were still together, her and my mom went to a "Thunder from Down Under" revue in Vegas.  According to my ex, mom got CRAZY!  I really don't want to know...  She still wants to party with my current girlfriend, but for one reason or another it hasn't happened.

Mom's dating, and dating guys my age. Or younger.


A while back, she asked me to let her borrow one of my yearbooks.  I didn't question it, and handed it over.  A few days later, when she gave it back, she said "Thanks.  I'm with this guy, and I wanted to see what he looked like when you two were classmates."

MOM!!!  REALLY!??

I really don't mind too much.  I'm happy she's living her life, but I just don't want to hear about it.  For example, we were driving around one time, and I didn't have my phone on me.  I asked to borrow hers.  When she handed it to me, she said "Just don't go digging around in it, I have some pictures in there you really don't want to see..."

MOM!!! REALLY!??

She likes to share information A LOT.  She recently was dating a guy about 5 years younger than me.  She proudly told me he was a musician.  A ROCK musician!  Then she showed me his picture...

er...
He is a one-man-band, playing mostly metal and hardcore.  He plays a bunch of instruments, and apparently just dubs one track over another.

I feel sorry for the guy.  Most musicians, you know, make friends, so they have someone to play the drums, guitar, etc.  Not this guy.  He's a one-man wolfpack.

So yeah.  There's my mom.  I love her dearly, but in lieu of flowers, I'm half-tempted to send her condoms.

Love you mama.  You kept me motivated through childhood, and pushed me to succeed.  You helped shape me into who I am today.  Sure, you're only 39 according to your myspace, and for a long time you didn't want to admit having a son as old as me.  But you know what, you did your job.  You raised me right.  Now go get your sexy on...


Happy Mother's Day, to all the moms out there.  Hot mamas included.
Please Share it! :)

41 witty retorts:

The Angry Lurker said...

Mothers, what can you do?

ironchefman said...

Wow. I think everyone's mothers are complicated, but I guess some are more than most.
And giving your mother flowers and condoms for Mother's day, sounds like a page out of old Oedipus' book. At least it would be original! I got my mother a Cook's Illustrated subscription...

Al Penwasser said...

Your mom will always be your mom (and I didn't have to go to college to figure that out! Yep, I am one fart smucker). Actually, good for her.

Mynx said...

Now I understand. :)

Happy mothers day to all the ladies in your life

Josie said...

I ♥ Your Mom.

Heather (aka Sugar Free) said...

I loved this post! That condom is hilarious! Your mom sounds like a hoot, but I can totally understand not wanting to hear about her...ummm....activites.

Jewels said...

Wow, just wow. If I ever gave my mother a condom for Mother's Day I am pretty sure my father would smack me...as they are still married. I said, "Aww" out loud when you mentioned your Papou. I never met mine, he passed away before my father met my mother...but my Yiayia sure has some strong thoughts on my father marrying into "that Irish family..." haha. Happy Mother's Day from me to all the lovely women in your family.

Ana said...

hah funny mom. :)

i got a little confused with the mother's day day. because in Portugal it's in the first sunday of may. but now I know that it differs from country to country.

sp3nny said...

pretty cool mom

Zombie said...

oh well... at least your mom isnt staying at home with like a million cats like most older women do. lol.

Annabelle said...

Fuck yeah. Your mom rocks. Appreciate the gift of having a kick ass woman, who loves your ass unconditionally in your life.

I like your appreciation of women in general. Glad you didn't let your ex take that from you.

Be sure to do all of the cooking this weekend, we love that.

A Beer for the Shower said...

Mulligan looks like a real winner.

You know, I always wondered who went to those 'Thunder From Down Under' things when I'm walking around Vegas. The billboards are so cheesy. I never thought anyone would actually pay to see spray-tanned guys dancing in g-strings. I guess I was wrong.

D4 said...

Oh I see. Interesting. Good for her for reliving her life and all that.
...
....
So, she got a number?

Had to.

Mike said...

My mothers day was last month.

Annabelle said...

Your blog eats my witty retorts.

I think your mom rocks. Good for her. And good for you in supporting her existence as something beyond just being the person who brought you into this world.

Smart Ass Sara said...

Oh good for her. HAHAHA! That's hilarious. A wee bit creepy for you, but hilarious.

And you should totally send her condoms. And a gift certificate for an STD test or something.

Autumnforest said...

Bravo to your mama! I was half tempted to go after boy toys myself because the sex life and attention span of older men is nil. At least younger men make an effort to woo you and not ignore you, especially if they know they're getting regular sex by someone who knows how to make it fun. I decided against it. I hate to be the only one who knows my jokes when I reference things from the 70s. Still, my friends all say that, since I got together with my ex at 16, I'm still a 16-year-old girl waiting for a big crush and hoping to scribble his name on a notebook. I really did miss all the steps. I'm even more insecure than at 16 because I have no 16-year-old looks to offer. Your mom sounds like she's confident and catching up on the phases. Good for her!

Leila said...

Ha this convinced me NOT to marry young...

I'm glad you're on good terms with your mother going wild. To be honest, I still carry the crumbling vestiges of out dated misogyny, so to put it simply, if I were in your situation, I would NOT be complacent. I'd be all bratty and hypocritical to her, preaching to the right way of life. But your mother is lucky. She has you :) so now she can be herself. Happy mother's day!

Pappa Püllï said...

Haha the condom is epic!

João Rodrigues said...

ahahaha loved the blog! +follow

Bob said...

Tell your mom I said Happy Mothers Day.

SynthRockEngine said...

Haha, the condoms would certainly send a message.

LilPixi said...

Dude, your mom must be hot!! Just sayin'...

You're a great son!

Happy Mother's Day to your mom & all the other motherly figures in your life. *Cheers*

Astronomy Pirate said...

Crazy moms, wow. My mom almost seems normal by comparison.

Kicking Rocks said...

your mom sounds like a crazy cat!

G said...

you threw me into a bit of a mad confused panic...I thought I'd sent my mother a mothers day present a month early... then I realised that the US must celebrate it on a different day (thank you wiki)

becca said...

happy mother's day to your mom

The Reckmonster said...

I'm glad that you can take it all with a grain of salt. There's a lot of livin' that a woman needs to do if she's been stuck in what she sees as a fucked up marriage for a hot minute... Word up to your ma!! But, tell her - that dude (the one man dillhole fest) - uh NO! - I'm sure she can do better than that!!

The Animated Woman. said...

Dude, your mom is my new hero. I'm 49 too. That means I'm old enough to be your mother, heh heh...

GREAT POST.

THE SNEE said...

You have a lot of women and mom's in your life! Way to characterize the mixed bag, yet of course lovable and unforgettable person in your life called MOM!

Shutterbug said...

Don't get me started on my mom...

Colin Biano said...

man, if i go after 20 year olds when i'm 49 i'll just be called a creep

Kar said...

Loved this post! Your mom rocks. I'm a bit older than your mom is, also fairly recently divorced. I'm a "rock star" myself, sort of. I now have a singing career and I'm known for my "naughty song". I also write erotic fiction now.

As MY daughter tells her friends...My mom is old not dead.

Kar
http://flipsidesanity.blogspot.com
http://flipsideumami.blogspot.com

Kelly said...

I like your condoms line. that was sweet. It's nice to see your mom is so active and friendly. I guess if you look at it in a positive way, she's helping the younger generation by comforting them and perhaps offering sage advice. More importantly, she's having fun and really, isn't that nice? Who cares if she doesn't admit to having a 39 year old son. lol. Hell, if that's all you've got to complain about, you're lucky to have a mom like her, man. :P Take care, dude.

On My Soapbox said...

*sigh* Mothers. Ya can't live with 'em, ya can't live without them. Well, kind of. I became the parent to my parents awhile back. Why don't they make better decisions? I thought I raised them better than that....

Thank, Q said...

Wow. Yeah, definitely TMI. I don't want to know anything about my parents on any of the above topics. The less I know, the more sane I'll remain.

Lady Estrogen said...

Ohh, Mommy.
Life just wouldn't be as normal for a man without a nice healthy bag of steaming Mommy issues, right? My Daddy issues are golden. Awesome!

meandmythinkingcap said...

How I never had any boyfriend except my husband? As per my mom all guys hit on her, though it isn't true that queasy feeling is enough, wht is the right gender term for cock block?

Brandon Lostinidaho said...

...twat-block, I suppose...

Hey Monkey Butt said...

If I'm not careful, this could be me. bwhahahah. I'm kidding, kinda :)

Marie Nicole said...

She sounds cool. I'd be proud to call her Maman!

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