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5/18/11

The Real Blogger Shore's Amazing Undercover Idol (my turn)

Hello again from Helena Montana.  Home of... well.... not much.  But for now, it's the home of 8 raunchy bloggers.

And this is their story.

Part 1 from Squatlo (intro)
Part 2 from Logallot
Part 3 from Thank Q
Part 4 from Mommy Confessions
Part 5 from The Reckmonster
Part 6 from TOAR
Part 7 from Colorful Rants

...and now it's my turn...

Part 1: Confessional
 
Wow, what an amazing mess I've gotten myself into.  I mean, I knew these fools were crazy before but WOW.  Put us all under the same roof and nothing is sacred.
 
Squatlo, our reluctant host, indroduced the cast and as quickly as he could, bolted out of the house an into the tropics.  However, I don't think he's as far away as he says he is.  For example, I've noticed a lot of closed-circuit cameras here and there.  I know which ones are for the TV show, but these are separate.  And in odd places too... the girls' bedrooms, the bathrooms, the poolhouse... I'm smellin a perv here, and believe me, it takes one to notice one.
 
I know Q was a tried-and-true brotha, but that man has been eating nothing but shrimp and fried chicken since we got here.  I decided to cook tonight.  I'm grilling up some Filet Mignon, with some Asparagus and some sweet potato fries.  Not exactly soul-food, but I think he'll approve.  I found Squat's wine cellar, and am planning on opening up a few bottles.  2001 Stag's Leap Cabernet?  Squat's a man of good taste...
 
The girls... wow, the girls. 
 
Michelle W is putting up the mommy front, and spends as much time on her phone as she possibly can.  What's funny is we're in the middle of nowhere.  We have no cell reception, yet her phone works perfectly...
 
Lynn and Alexandra are almost inseperable.  Which is funny, since a few months ago during the stunner contest, I thought they were going to kill each other.  Now they're best of friends, and currently parading around nekkid thanks to Falen and her blackface idea. 
 
And Falen, wow.  Girl's got a mouth, but she backs it up.  She's definitely the wild, uncensored one of the bunch.  Which is awesome, because when things start to slow down she fires them back up.
 
Sonia, to me, is the surprise of them all.  Coming into this house, I saw her as the calm, rational one.  THIS GIRL IS A FREAK!  She spends more time in the hot tub or the liquor cabinet than the rest of us combined!  She's told me before that she can't handle her scotch, but Logallot's alter-ego 'Drinkallot' seems to be able to handle herself just fine.
 
Michelle, the Reckmonster.  This girl....  If she weren't so busy trying to rip off my balls and shove them up my ass, I think we'd get along just fine.  Get a few beers in her, and she loosens up really well... but trying to hand that girl a beer is like trying to hug a bear wearing Lady Gaga's meat dress.  It's like she knows I'm trying to get her drunk...
 
And then there's me.  I'm just trying to have some fun, and trying to keep things going.  I had to take down one of the local rednecks already, since he was threatening my crew.  Hopefully that's the last of the locals I need to rough up.
 
Actually, when we were out and about, I met a lot of cool dudes.  My housemates don't suspect this, but I have something fun in store for them, thanks to some of the locals and (of course) Bob's wonderful mansion...
 
Part 2:  Party in Montana
 
I have been fairly quiet so far, but I've been staying busy.  As I mentioned earlier, I had found Squatlo's wine cellar, but that's not all I found.  You see, he tried to blockade us from certain parts of the house.
 
I'm not ok with that.
 
My dad used to do that to me when I was a kid.  I knew where his stash of Playboys were, and if I wanted them, I'd find a way to get them.  Even when he put a lock on his bedroom door, I found a way to sneak the key to the local hardware store, make a copy, and have access whenever I wanted.
 
Sorry Bob, your locks and secret passageways don't stand a chance against a determind dude like myself.
 
The second day I was here, I found Bob's basement.  And this was no ordinary basement...
 
This guy had a serious man-cave going on.  Pinball machines, 55" flat-screens, a fully stocked bar, and best of all: A Stripper Pole.
 
Wait til the girls see this...
 
I kept my little secret for a few days, waiting for the right time to throw the biggest, baddest party Helena has ever seen.
 
Thanks to Falen, this is going to be an unforgettable night.
 
I set up the night when we were bar hopping.  There were already 20 or so locals downstairs, getting ready to have some fun.  Lynn doesn't want my raw-chicken, so I found her a few of the chocolatey locals to keep her happy.  Between them, the local selection of girls, and the *cough* other surprise, I knew we'd have a helluva night.
 
I was about to let everyone know what I found, when I see my female houseguests walking down the hall.... naked.... and, um, black.
 
"What the hell is up with the blackness?"  I asked Alexandra...
 
She replied, "You like?  My momma's momma's momma was black, so I'm just getting back to my roots, ya know?"
 
Meanwhile Falen's laughing her bare-ass off.  Sheesh, I've been trying to see them without there clothes for a while now, but I didn't expect THIS...
 
...and especially right now...
 
*DING DONG* the doorbell rings.  I look at my watch.  Right on time.
 
I try to gulp down the lump in my throat, and conceal my smile, as Q gets the door.
 
"Helena police, sir.  I'm here about the noise complaint..."

Q is stunned.  "Noise, officer?  We're acres away from any other house... who are we disturbing?"
 
Just as he finishes, the girls fly by, naked.  Lynn sees the cop and freezes in her tracks.  The girls behind her crash, and fall into a naked, black pile on the floor.
 
Mister po-po has a stern look on his face.  "Ladies, I'm afraid I have to tell you.... you have the right... to remain... SEXY!"
 
Officer McHunky rips his shirt off, and the girls go insane.  He tells them to follow him to the party, which confuses everyone.
 
"What party?  Can't we just party here?"  Michelle W asks.
 
"Nope" replies the stripper, "Brandon baked up an extra special surprise for the likes of you."
 
All of a sudden, all eyes are on me.
 
I grin and say "This way..."
 
Walking down the hall, I explain to them the secret boudoir a-la-Bob that I discovered.  The girls are grinning from ear to ear, but Quincy looks uneasy.
 
"I know I'm a happily married man, B" he says, "but this ain't gonna be no sausage-fest, is it?"
 
I smile as I open the door to the basement, and Helena's finest cheer to greet our crew.


Sonia + Pole = DAAAAAYUM...
Since half of our group was already naked, I showed them to the hot tub, to wash the black off.  "Sorry Falen, but yours is probably going to stay on" I say, as she slaps me.

"You're lucky your cracker-ass is comin in with us" she replies as she unbuttons my jeans, "or else I'd REALLY be upset!"

There were body shots and strip-twister games galore.  Michelle W, the wound-up mommyblogger was workin that pole like she was a pro.  And Q?  Q had a girl on each arm, telling them about the time he played a cereal prank on one of his old college roommates...

Man, what a night...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, Alexandra from The Tsarita Sez is gonna finish up this saga, from the perspective of the houseguests.  Tune in to her blog for the next chapter!!
Please Share it! :)

13 witty retorts:

The Reckmonster said...

You know why it's hard to give me beer? Because I already have my own stash - and I'm a total beer snob. You trying to hand me a Pabst Blue Ribbon is like trying to give a guy who owns a Porsche a ride in your Ford Festiva.

And I TOLD YOU!!! Michelle W. - that "W" stands for WILDWOMAN!!! Mommyblogger, my ass!!! More like "mommy needed a little reminder of what a party monkey she used to be!!"

Did you see if Falen hooked up with Warren?! I swear, she's nuts, but I am almost positive I saw her giving him the eye!

And despite your pervy tendencies...you're pretty cool.

Thank, Q said...

Bob is going to whip the sleeves off of us when he gets home, but I don't care! This house party is off the hook! I expect to see Kid-N-Play bust in here at any minute! Brandon, Sonia is silly when she drinks! She's talking about marketing and stuff and laughing after each sentence. What's in her drink?

Thank, Q said...

"Where are all of the white women at?"

Sorry, I've always wanted to say that. I love "Blazing Saddles."

THUNDERCAT said...

lmfao!!!! Omg that was perfect! I love the line about the black staying on me...PRICELESS!!! I must have laughed till I farted! You are a fucking genius!!!

Zombie said...

That is a scary tan! lol.

squatlo said...

God, I'm glad we're in the islands... you crazy mother fuckers are gonna wreck my man cave, sure as hell!

Tell her to wipe the pole when she's done spinnin' and drain the shoe polish out of my hot tub before I bring the most dangerous woman in north America back to Montana.

Jeez, you're gonna get me killed...

shit!

theTsaritsa said...

Awww yeah!! I'm so glad you found this awesome man cave! I was really hoping this place had a stripper pole hidden somewhere!

The Angry Lurker said...

Fucking funny.

Mynx said...

While I love me a half naked fireman, a stripper cop comes a close second place. That party sounds awesome, and I love that you end up in the hot tub with all the naked ladies....

Michelle~ Mommy Confessions said...

It's been a loooong time since I drank that much and even longer since I've been on a stripper pole.
Um, I mean, I can't believe you guys got me mixed up in all that nonsense....
oh hell... I give up. I am NOT an uptight homesick Mommyblogger. Now pass the tequila...I'm ready to show off the 36DD's... yep...that's right...

squatlo said...

Lights, camera, (roll tape, dammit) ACTION!

Thank, Q said...

"36 DD's?" You all get back and let her do her thing! Get out the way, fool! Can't you see she wants to get to the pole? Step back! Someone put on her favorite song.

Plixx said...

Where was MY invitation???

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