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3/6/12

Fu*k Me Running (A Guest Post)

If you follow me on twitter, you know I have some fairly off-the wall conversations.  One such conversation has now turned into a guest post by @doitalone, who also inspired my Taxidermied Squirrel post.  Stephanie also blogs at Crazy.Beautiful.Life, and should be followed in every way possible.


And now... the spotlight is hers:

Brandon and I talk about the most ridiculous things on twitter. You see, what started as a conversation about wordpress plugins somehow ended up in a conversation about cactus fucking, treadmill sex and who The Bloggess loves more. (Clearly it's me, sorry Brandon. Chicks before dicks and all that jazz.) During these tweets we came up with the idea of me guest posting so that all of you could read about the time I managed to fuck my boyfriend while he was running.

Back it up - you see, my boyfriend always says the most ridiculous things as exclamations when something was frustrating. One of his favorites was "fuck me running."  In the beginning I would roll my eyes and giggle at the image in my head... my boyfriend in jogging shorts running down the street like any other day, only his penis is totally out and I'm naked with my legs wrapped around his waist? Somehow I doubt the neighborhood watch people would approve. (Although, if we got arrested the good news is the judge would probably laugh it out of court or we'd end up famous because Jay Leno would make fun of us mercilessly.)

About two months into the relationship though, I starting coming up with real ways that I could actually fuck him running. First, I thought about having him lay in the bed while simulating the running motion with his legs, but when we tried that it just ended up popping me off him when his knees his my ass.

The second attempt was an actual attempt in the living room. We started at the kitchen and he picked me up and started to run towards to other side of the floor of our townhouse. Unfortunately, either I'm too heavy, or he was too weak, because we only made it three steps before collapsing to the floor. (This ended up resulting in a bruise on my ass that made it painfully uncomfortable to sit down for a week.)

I was starting to become discouraged, but one day we were sitting in the living room watching the TV and one of the commercials that plays at 3AM to make you feel like you're lazy for shoving your face with ice-cream after a night of drinking for the Treadclimber came on. I'm not sure if it was the alcohol which played a part in this but a light bulb went off in my head. I could fuck him running if I was stationary and supporting my own weight while he was running and that could totally be accomplished by using a treadmill.

Keep in mind it was 3AM at this point and we had been out drinking. We searched the townhouse high and low for the key to our apartment complex's gym and upon finding it ran like the wind to the complex gym, shedding our clothes on the way. Unfortunately, because we had been drinking, there was a little problem down there, and I had to preform some oral support to get it working... but once I did, we hopped on the treadmill. I supported my weight by holding myself up on the arms of the treadmill, and he started walking at a brisk pace.

SUCCESS!

Sort of.

You see, when we got really into it, my rear ended up hitting the buttons on the treadmill and it started speeding up... to the point where he wasn't fucking me anymore, he was just running, and we were drunk, and well, he might have fallen. That's how he got the treadmill bruise on his penis that stopped us from fucking for almost a month.

It was totally worth it though - because how many other girls can actually say they fucked their boyfriend running?
Please Share it! :)

29 witty retorts:

Bozo said...

Hey, I loved this! It's so my kind of post lol... fucked your boyfriend running - wow... I'm impressed and am mesmerized by your dedication to the project. I'm savouring the idea... letting it play out in my mind lol. So fun!

Haven said...

Wow. Just wow. That is a seriously impressive story. Your creativity and dedication should be lauded over the gym speakers!

Workingdan said...

Great post! Whenever my wife says "fuck me running" I always tell her to take off. Nothing ever becomes of it though.

Very creative way to fuck while running!

Zombie said...

I wonder if the same can be done on the elliptical...

The Simple Dude said...

Little known fact: Treadmill penis bruises are the number one reason men stop exercising.

Hey Monkey Butt said...

That is pretty friggn awesome! I can't say that I've fucked my man running. Damn...

angel shrout said...

I have to say that I also use this statement frequently. I may sometimes also toss in a Fuck me running up a hill backwards and sideways.. I don't even want to imagine the logistic required to achieve that feat. I am attempting not to laugh too hard but I can't help it this cracked me up..

Michael said...

This is AWESOME!!

Sweety Darlin said...

I am so glad to know the required process for this, as I have used this term previously. However how I guess more thought needs to be put into how he can fuck me while I am running. Things that make you go MMMMM.

Lady Estrogen said...

I'm so impressed - no matter how messy it got, at least you can chalk that one off the list. LOL

Bart said...

dat sex looks intense

Stephanie said...

Yes - you should all follow me, especially my little networked blogs widget cause it looks so LAME that I'm the only one who follows me. Like I'm some sort of loser, and I am clearly not because only winners bang their boyfriends on treadmills.

As an aside, the boyfriend in question read this when we were getting bagels this morning and Angel, he has decided we are actually going to try backwards and running up hill. HA. I'll let you know how it goes.

Just Keepin It Real, Folks! said...

SERIOUS TALENT!!!!!! If you aren't already in the Guiness Book of World Records, you definitely need to be!!!!!

Mooner In The Perti Dish said...

Brandini, and ladies. As a mature, adult and manly man, I can actually fuck while running. OK, it's actually a fast walk or I think more of a jogging, but it would fit anyone's definition of "fucked running".

So. If you weigh less than 180 pounds and have the strength to hold on around my neck without gripping my hair, call me.

tazerwarriorprincess said...

Bahhahaaaaaa I'm laughing quietly at work so I don't have to explain treadmill sex to everyone. You're brilliant.

AmberLaShell said...

Just so you know, I have an entire room full of people in my office looking at me like i'm crazy because I just busted out with laughing while drinking a sprite. So, after wiping my computer screen clean I decided to say I loved this post, it was so freaking funny!

Anonymous said...

Niiiiice :-)

Terry said...

Hysterical!

Pish Posh said...

One more (or less?) reason to get a treadmill.

I like to go where no man has gone before.. or at least accomplish what no man has finished before

Edwin said...

oh that's impressive. There should be more women as creative as you.

Youngman Brown said...

What incredible dedication.

It is a good thing he doesn't say "f*ck me stupid" or else I don't know what you would do to him.

Satan said...

HAHAHAHA!
excellent... hmm. now that's something i haven't done!

Kelley said...

Wow! That is insane! Ha! That is also the first I have heard of a bruised penis.

Melanie said...

That is a real woman!

Orang3 said...

cactus fucking, intedrasting topic indeed

Katsidhe said...

I no longer feel like such a pervert for trying to figure out how to have sex on my inversion slide. You've given me hope that I can accomplish this some day.~

Thank, Q said...

Wow. This is nuts. I followed a recent conversation you and Brandon had on Twitter about Red Bull-sized penises or something, so I already know. LOL!

Catherine Alexandra said...

Oh just one word from me: EPIC!

lol

5 Things About Nothing Important said...

Was it penis treadmill bruise or the treadmill equivalent of penis road rash? Either way, yeah EPIC works for me.

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