Football Rivalry in Idaho

Growing up in a major metropolitan area, I didn't get to experience the feeling of having a cross-town rival.  We didn't have a small town, so the lines in the sand were much blurrier than they are in Idaho.

In my area, there are 3 main rivalries that get the locals rabid:

- The 'Black and Blue Bowl.'
- The 'Civil War.'
- And 'The Emotion Bowl.'

The third one has the lamest name, but is the one that affects my area the most.  I live within walking distance to Idaho Falls High School, and can hear the 'roar' of the stadium most Friday nights.

The Emotion Bowl is IF High vs Skyline High.  Skyline is the 'west side' school, and my wife's Alma Mater.  She's not big into school spirit, so she doesn't give two shits about this game.  She's probably one of six people in town who feel this way.

Everyone else, from residences to businesses have either Blue or Orange festooned in every way possible.  Grocery store windows are painted with motivational messages.  School spirit is at an all time high.

And for someone like me, living in the middle of 'Tiger Country', if I were caught sporting powder blue, I'd be in a world of trouble.

When I was in High School, my football team was like the Oakland Raiders.  Everyone hated us, and we hated everybody.  Nobody was a rival, because everybody was a rival.  It was interesting, but never as passionate as one of Idaho's rivalry games.

And so much is on the line for these games as well!

Don't like Obama?  Blame Skyline.

An Emotion Bowl win on an election year will tell you who our next President is going to be!  Yes, in 2012 Skyline won, so Obama was reelected.

(And I can tell you this:  If Skyline wins in 2016, there will be riots on the streets.  NOBODY was happy last year, which made IF's victory in 2013 all the sweeter.)

I am sad to say I missed this year's Emotion Bowl, but then again, I really don't care who wins.  I wouldn't know which side to sit on, who to root for, etc.  Sorry Idaho, no fucks were given from me on Friday.

Do you come from a small town?  Did you have a rival?  Were the games this intense?  I'd love to hear your story...

My Mailman Might Be A Player

I remember being young, and the mailman delivering to my house every day between 11 and noon.  Monday through Saturday, always consistent, no deviation.

Since moving to Idaho, it's much more inconsistent.  I recently moved a few months ago, and it's getting worse than ever.  My uncle is a retired mail carrier, and I complained to him one day.

His response?  "He probably has a few 'friends' on the route.  Stops by their house to chat, maybe more."  Apparently this isn't uncommon at all.

Driving home a few days ago, I saw something that pretty-much confirmed his quip.  The mailman was walking out of a neighbor's house.  He got a nice kiss from my neighbor on the way out, as well as a tap on the ass.

I know that house.  I know her husband.  He's not a mailman.

I guess that means when the cat is away, the mailman will play.

Sometimes the mail comes at 10:30.  Sometimes as late as 3.  That kind of window, he may have more than one 'friend' on his route.

...such a player.

Well, I can't fault the guy.  I mean, a mail carrier has a HUGE sexy-factor.  That uniform, those power-walking calves.

I'm only glad my wife hasn't fallen to his sexy wiles...

...wait... I'm hardly ever home...

How do I know she didn't?

OH SNAP.  NOOOOOOO...

I'm Allergic to Idaho

Living in California for the first 29 years of my life, I never had any allergic problems.  I had cats, dogs, hamsters, lived in a 'dust bowl' area, and had to put up with the famous Santa Ana winds.

I don't know if it was the change of scenery or just my old age, but I now have allergy problems.  I have a pretty regular regimen of Allegra, Benadryl and Afrin nasal spray on hand, to help get me through the allergy spikes.

But... I have noticed something odd about my allergies.  I'm not allergic to the regular stuff.  Not cats, not pollen, not ragweed, not dust.

I'm allergic to Idaho.

I know, I know, haha, but hear me out.

With my day job, I travel to states like Wyoming, Montana, Utah, Nevada and Oregon.  In other states, my sinuses are fine.  No sneezing, no watery eyes, no allergy spikes.

It's only when I'm in Idaho do I suffer from these symptoms.

And it's 'more than usual' when I'm home.

Maybe I'm allergic to my wife?  Maybe she's the problem? (I can feel her glaring at me, just by typing these words...)

Or maybe it is the cats.  We have 3 at home, and one of them sheds about 3 coats a day.  If we don't sweep our hardwood floors on a regular basis, we'd have enough fur to make a sheepdog after about a week.

I really do need to see a doctor, to find out what the underlying problem really is.  Until then, I can just chuckle to myself and tell everyone I'm allergic to Idaho.

(...because that will get me in less trouble than telling people I'm allergic to my wife...)

So you’re on the Wipe Bandwagon… Now what? #LetsTalkBums

So you've read my posts about Cottonelle Fresh Wipes.

You've watched Cherry’s videos (including this new one).

 You've wondered, broke down, tried the wipes, and are now hooked.

Welcome to the clean bum club.  Doesn't it feel awesome?

…but now what?  You have a cabinet full of TP and you’re now using a lot less.  What do you do with all that excess toilet paper?

You could hit up pinterest and search for TP art…

You could TP a friend’s house.  (just make sure to help them clean up afterwards… or not, f**k em…)

You could donate it to the homeless people living closest to a Taco Bell or Thai restaurant.  (because you KNOW they need it!)

You could give it to the cat, and let them shred the TP into oblivion.

You could make a snazzy (and absorbent!) TP fortress.

You could do this...  I'm not sure what exactly you can call this:

Or you could just accept the fact it’s going to take you much longer to burn through your stockpile of toilet paper.  But using less is a good thing.  And feeling cleaner is a good thing.  So no matter what you do with your TP surplus, have fun with it.

(and if it’s especially wacky, go to Cottonelle’s Facebook Page and let them know how you ‘fixed’ your TP overflow problem!)

Stirring Things Up on CelebStir

One of my vices revolves around Celebrities.  I love gossip rags like Perez Hilton and Celebuzz.  I'm not totally sure why, but they're fun to read now and then.

I was recommended to check out celebstir.com, and I like what I see.  CelebStir mixes celebrity with social media, letting you follow celebrities, athletes, models and more.  And they (and others) can follow you as well.

I'm a blogger.  I have followers, but a celebrity I am not.  When people follow my profile, I'm not 100% sure how I feel... But oh well.  ADORE ME, DAMMIT!

One thing I love about CelebStir is the video chat option, with up and comers.

It gives you a chance to talk to people trying to break into the entertainment, sporting or modeling industry.  It also gives you a chance to say "I spoke with xxxx before they were famous."

Do you like following the lives and times of famous people?  If so, check them out.  This may be one of the next big things, and watching it grow will be fun.

And, of course, follow me.  Maybe this will be how *I* become famous??  I promise I'll remember all you 'little people' when I'm a bajillionaire...

Should you sell your life insurance policy?

I wish I could have visited my grandmother much more in the nursing home. She had Alzheimer’s so whether or not she knew I was there is a mystery, but even for myself and my mother and grandfather it would have been a nice gesture. But with myself living in California and my parents and grandparents living in Florida it was impossible to get over to see her more than a couple times per year.

I remember my mother meeting with her financial advisor as they determined what to do to cover the expenses of the cost of her being in a senior care facility. For those of you who have had a loved one in one of these facilities you know what I’m talking about. For those of you who haven’t had to deal with this nightmare hope that you never do. Basically, these places are crazy expensive and for most people my grandparents age there’s no way they could pay for something like this.

So as you try to figure out how to cover the ridiculous costs my mother found herself weighing options. One option that she came across after a suggestion from a trusted family friend was to consider for someone like my grandmother or grandfather to sell their life insurance policy on the secondary market. It’s actually a good option as there are so many seniors out there that simply surrender their life policy to the insurance company or worse, let their policy lapse. So the question becomes, ”Should you sell your life insurance policy?” Again, hopefully you never have to deal with this but if you do, you should consider selling your life policy via a life settlement well before you consider stopping the premiums payments to cut costs.

Here's Your Sign - #4H Edition

Hands, Heart, Health, Home.

No wait.

Hands, Heart, Health, Head.

Or is it Head, Shoulders Knees and Toes?

I forget.

Either way, 4H is a fantastic youth program, teaching kids life skills like responsibility and discipline.

You'd think spelling would be a part of the 'head' but I guess not?

Hollow or not, as long as you have a head, you'll do.

(For more funny signs and fails in Idaho, please click here)

Adventures in Wiping – No more ‘oops’ Prostate Exams! #LetsTalkBums

I have been testing Cottonelle’s Fresh Care flushable wipes for the better part of a week now, and I have to admit…  I’m loving this.  

I feel like a ‘Ramen and Taco Tuesday’ boy, finally eating his first Filet Mignon. 

I’ve had the good life people, and I don’t know if I’m ever going to go back to ‘the basics.’

To recap our #LetsTalkBums adventure, please refer to my original post, and watch the video below:

I know, I know, asking people about their bums in an airport is a little offbeat, but hey.  I live in an area where people knock on your door to talk about religion, so why not potty-talk?

Come to think of it… I’d rather converse about crap than entertain a pair of Missionaries on bicycles.  With the wipes, it’s ‘one and done.’  The other types of door knockers can’t be wiped away so easily, no matter how much TP you use!  (I guess that means Missionaries are like that little nugget that you just can’t wipe away…HA!)

So back to my story --  I’ve been testing the product on the road as I travel for work.  One thing I HATE about hotel bathrooms is the cheap, thin toilet paper.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wrongly estimated the amount of squares needed, and WHOOPS it’s prostate exam time!

Oops I did it again...
I played with my butt...
Oh baby baby...

Too many squares and you can cause a clog.  Too few and you may end up diddling yourself.  Oh, the dilemma!  What am I to do?

Enter the wipes.  Using the moist wipes gets everything ‘down there’ quicker and more efficiently than normal paper.  Think about cleaning your car; do you use soap and water, or just a dry rag?  Wet is better! 

And not only do I feel cleaner using these, but I haven’t ‘broken through’ the paper once!  No more surprise finger-bidet for me!

This is why I highly recommend Cottonelle’s Fresh Care Wipes.  They’re useful, flushable, super-efficient, and can take a pounding!  (enjoy THAT image in your head!)

Want to continue the conversation?  Hop on over to Cottonelle’s Facebook Page and keep talking about bums!  They can’t get enough of your bum!

Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't compete, judge. #BloggerIdol

I love writing.

I love competing.

Most of all, I love winning.

But I have learned over the last (almost) 3 years that this blog needs a "does not fit into mainstream society" badge.

I use strong language.  I make fun of people, things, and whatever I can.

I have pissed off a LOT of butthurt Mormons and probably have a mafioso-style hit placed on my head.

Yet, back in 2011 and again in 2012 (I think), I auditioned for Blogger Idol.

Why?  Because I thought I was hot shit.  And I was.  And I am.  But I'm not really BI material.

I'm a very 'Rated R' blog, and the BI contestants that shine are a firm PG-13.  No feather ruffling, no pot-stirring.

So I'm friends with the wonder woman who runs BI.  She asked me to judge last year, as well as this year.  Finally I took her up on her offer, and I am now a judge for Blogger Idol 2013.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

Best of all, when I introduced myself to the panel, this happened:

Well, now I know for sure.  But hey, I know good writing when I see it.  I'll be judging you all from afar, but feel free to bribe me with sexy selfies, paypal 'donations' and other illicit things!

And if you think you have what it takes (better than me), go audition at http://blogger-idol.com/

I'll be waiting.

9-11 in Idaho - Why I'm Pissed Off

Two years ago, I blogged on the 10th Anniversary of 9/11 and shared my story of where I was and what I remember.  I won't retype it out, but if you'd like to read it please click the link.

This morning, I was at a local coffee shop (another location I've blogged about from time to time) and overheard two teenagers talking about 9/11.  They had to be 3 or 4 when it happened, so their accounts are to be taken with a grain of salt.

They were debating.  One blamed the attacks on 'Arabs' (his words), and the other kid blamed it on Barack Obama.

An accurate representation of my face, but substitute a biscotti where the cereal bowl is.

I shit you not.

It took every bone in my body not to educate these two kids on the politics and strife leading up to the 9/11 attacks.  And when I say 'educate' I really mean ramming their head against a brick wall, over and over again.

Seriously, I know not all kids are dumb, but what the fuck is up with this generation?  My younger bro-in-law just decided to 'test out' of High School at 16, get his GED and move on to college.  His parents were thrilled, because of all the nonsensical rhetoric this kid would hear at school.

FROM HIS TEACHERS.

Are we miseducating our youth?  Or are they believing every idiotic thing they read on the internet?

I mentioned this story on Facebook, and one of my followers mentioned a large number of Louisiana citizens blaming Obama for Hurricane Katrina issues.  Never mind he wasn't the President then, it's still his fault.

For fucks sake, people... How quickly we forget after only 12 years.

Hey People, #LetsTalkBums (no, I'm really serious)

Hey!  Hey guys!  Yeah, YOU!

GUESS WHAT?  I’m a brand ambassador!!

What am I ambassading, you may ask?  A new way to shave your gerbil?  Idaho’s newest potato recipe?

Nope.  Tee pee.  Cottonelle bathroom products, to be exact.

That makes me your sherpa of sh... stuff.  Your pioneer of poo.  Your captain of crap.

And I will do it with honor.

As I prepare to begin my ambassadorship, I plan on thoroughly testing the product.  I just purchased a 42pk of Fresh Care flushable wipes, some taco bell, and I cleared my evening schedule.

Ok, maybe 'some' is an understatement...

Why flushable wipes?  This video will explain:

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be putting Cottonelle to the test.  I travel for a living and will be taking my testing on the road.  Cottonelle TP vs Hotel TP.  Why wipes are superior (ARE THEY SUPERIOR?) and how awesome my ass feels.

At least, I hope it feels awesome.  I'm way used to doing things the 'old fashioned way' and only used wipes on babies.  But, like the video says, why should they get all the good stuff??

I may include before/after shots, but haven’t decided for sure.  VOTE NOW, and be careful what you ask for!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, these Locos Tacos are barking.  Time to start my ambassadorship!  HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNG--

Magic Mormon Mike

My wife is going to a friend's Bachelorette party later this week, and she's not really looking forward to it.

You see, her friend is a big time church-goer, so expectations for a wild party are at a minimum.

Maybe it'll just be a knitting group?  At the very least, you know there won't be any strippers.

Unless... wait...

Do you think Mormons have strippers as well?  You know, Magic Mike, mormon-style?

Imagine it.  He bicycles to your house, knocks on your door with parted hair and a cheap wool suit.  You invite him in, and he starts the music.

Jonas brothers?  I wonder what Mormons would strip to?

He takes clothes off, piece by piece, all the way down to his sacred garments.  That's when he stops.

That's all you get to see.  Dancing around in magic underpants, gyrating to PG music.

Doesn't this sound like a fun bachelorette party?  Now I know why my wife is looking for the travel-flask we usually sneak into movie theaters.  If there's no alcohol at the party, she's just going to need it even more.

I can't imagine a stripper party in Idaho going well, no matter what.  There are laws in this state preventing commercial nudity, whether you're in a public or private place.  This means if you hire a 'girls girls girls' company from the phonebook, they can't legally take it all off.

That, and if you remember my accounts from an Idaho Bikini Bar, the 'talent' in this area isn't exactly famous for the right reasons.

Instead of Joe Manganiello, you're more likely to get Joe Dirt.

Best of all, wifey dearest bought her friend a gift-card to the only sex shop in town.  I would love to see the look on this poor bible-thumper's face when she gets the card, reading "you know, just in case he can't finish the job..."

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be working on my dance moves.  Just in case my wife doesn't get a show at the party, I'll be ready to give her one when she gets home.  *chick-a-wow-wow*

Idaho is in the news again. And not in a good way. Again.

Idaho is really becoming the 'cool' tragedy state these days.

NOT Idaho

First, we're the state you go to when you kidnap someone and don't want to be found.

Which is a dumb move, because most of the people here are armed.  The stupid ones are dangerous.  You're gonna get kil-- wait.  You did...

And, of course, we have white supremacists running for public office, rednecks trying to assassinate the president and much much more.

We're the state that craves attention.  Positive or negative, we just love to be in the spotlight.

Fast forward to present-day, where Chobani greek yogurt is now being recalled because of mold issues.

The culprit?  The brand new plant in Twin Falls, Idaho.

By brand new, this plant has been open for less than a year, and is already producing sub-standard product.  It is also (from what I can see) the first time Chobani has been recalled for mold.

Go Idaho - Helping ruin a company's reputation in less than 12 months.

After some due diligence and savvy reporting on my part, I was able to find this secret footage from inside the Chobani plant in Idaho.  I believe THIS is the root cause of the mold infestation, prompting a nationwide alert:

Unsanitary conditions and Gingers on the assembly line.  You're asking for trouble with these two...