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4/21/11

Observations: Post Office Hell

I mailed my boys their Easter cards yesterday.  My wonderful, talented girlfriend handmade two amazing cards, and I know they will love it.


But since the envelopes were a little thicker and heavier than the norm, it meant a trip to the post office.






It's been a while since I've gone to the post office, but I still know my way around.  Unlike most younger adults these days, I had penpals when I was growing up, so I am used to mailing letters.


This day in the post office, there seemed to be two main types of people.  Younger 'kids' who don't know JACK about mailing a letter or parcel, and women over 150.  Talk about polarization.


I had an old lady in front of me, and an old lady behind me.  Both had that fanTASTIC old-lady-perfume smell goin on.  Different scents, same basic 'granny' smell.  You know, cheap roses?  It was like gag-fest 2011.  In stereo.


The geezer in front of me was about 4 feet tall, and had about a 4 foot stack of mail needing to be sent out.  When you see this, and only one person helping customers, you get a lump in your stomach.  This is going to take a while.


But she wasn't the real problem.  It was the lady behind me.



I swear, she looked exactly like this!

This 500lb mouth-breathing sea hag, for some reason, decided that she needed to be 6 inches from the back of my neck.  Granted, the line was a long one, but you can allow a little bit of breathing room between people.

And when I say breathing room, I mean stop mouth-breathing on the back of my neck.  First off, you sound like a congested Darth Vader.  Second, you're melting the little hairs on the back of my neck with your hot, rancid 'I just ate a WHOLE BAG of Funyuns' breath.

Ahead of me and the geriatrics were a handful of teenagers and early 20-somethings trying to figure out how a post office works.



Hey.  Kids.  Know what this is?  They didn't...

We are now in the age of instant gratification.  People these days don't seem to understand that mail takes a few days to travel from one end of the country to the other.  And if you want it there super-fast, you're going to have to pay for it.  Things like 'Priority Mail, Certified, Insured, Return Receipt' were like speaking gibberish to people.  And when you mentioned these services would cost extra, people flip.

Cmon, this isn't like checking a box on the email, letting you know when the recipient read your letter.  It's a little more complicated than that.



CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE CAN!!!

Lastly was a dude, probably about 17, who didn't have a clue about cell phone etiquette.  He enters an enclosed, metal building, full of people.  His reception gets fuzzy.  What do?  I know!  SHOUT!

"HEY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

"IS THIS BETTER?"

"WHAT ABOUT NOW?"

"OH THERE YOU ARE.  OK, AS I WAS SAYING..."

Everyone wanted this guy dead.  The air was getting thicker, filling with murderous intent, when it was finally my turn.

No surprise, but I did what I had to do, and got out of there as quickly as possible.
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25 witty retorts:

Aaron M. Gipson said...

It sucks that the US Post Office has decided to occupy that same corner of limbo as the DMV. Whatever happened to those thrilling days of yesteryear and the pony express?

Oh yeah...cars...

BlackLOG said...

The British post office used to be the best in the world, it was cheap and reliable and then the monopolies commission decided that what was needed to improve things was competition….

Now it is not so cheap and far from reliable…

It’s OK because though, they tell us that this is progress….

Astronomy Pirate said...

I'm the kind of young person who likes to do my research and stuff, so I've never had much of a problem at a post office. Did those kids even think to look up the post office website and figure out what to do? It isn't hard. I've sent packages to friends in the military, which is another whole big step of fail if you don't know what you're doing. My sister wanted me to help her out with sending her friend in the Air Force once, and we get to the post office and she didn't even think to write down the location of the friends base or anything like that, it was Bumstink, Afghanistan and that's all I knew. I pretty much embarrassed her in post office for dragging my butt all the way over there for nothing.

The point: just send regular cards if you can't figure it out.

becca said...

great post

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

Wow. THAT woman is scary looking. She reminds me of the witch from The Little Mermaid.

Zombie said...

I always picture a fight scene with people around me as well, except mine are with zombies...

Chuck said...

Amazing. Yeah I enjoy thinking up various ways of killing the people around me with whatever's laying about. It's probably not healthy.

That woman looks like her face has caved in... Awesome. Also she looks like the shape of an egg.

Chris Phillips said...

Have you noticed how bad the people behind the counter have gotten? At my post office it looks like they just rolled out of bed in their uniform.

Matthew MacNish said...

You sound a little angry.

Adsila said...

Sounds like my experiences at the post office. I always seem to get the old geezer behind me with that bengay smell who wants to carry on a conversation. He always throws in that his wife has passed away... hum, I am married gramps. I am glad the post office has automated package machines and I avoided the long line and flirty conversation.

Shutterbug said...

I like receiving snail mail from friends and family. It's always a nice surprise.

ScottD said...

500lb breathing 6" behind you. I threw up

Sonia said...

The post office is no joke when you have morons standing in front of you. Most will never have their shit together either once they get up to the counter. Taking out their wallet is like taking out luggage. I hate going to the post office!

Bart said...

i dont think ive ever been in a post office

Kelly said...

Know what you mean, dude, about the younger generation in the post office and the geriatrics. Both are frustrating to deal with in their own ways. That freaky foul-breathed sea hag behind ya sounds like fun. Too bad you couldn't have worked up a good fart to blast in her face as a little payback for her nasty ass mouth odor. Loud, obnoxious cell phone talkers need a swift kick to the junk drawer.

Hell, standing in long lines anywhere is a pain in the ass, though. I don't know what's worse... The wait or the fucked up people around ya.

Autumnforest said...

I'm in what was once an exclusive retirement neighborhood, so I get the golf cart driving crowd on the roadwasy and in the PO. Speaking of cell phone loudness, have you noticed that people's indoor voices are very loud now? They seem to think they need to talk like they do on their phone. When I have friends over who use cells a lot, they are so fucking loud in my quiet little apartment with me sitting beside them. I have to kind of go, "use your apartment voice, please."

THUNDERCAT said...

I can't stand the post office. they always have hugs stacks of bills waiting for my bitch ass!

Sandra said...

This is so true! My husband is a mail carrier. He delivers in many retirement homes. He'll recount his stories at the end of the day (yes, I know, I try not to nod off, that would be rude) but in a nutshell: the elderly love their postman!

The Reckmonster said...

I make regular trips to the post office - BUT I have learned to make friends with the little "automated" postal machine so I don't have to stand in line. No neck breathers. No cell phone loud talkers. No granny perfume. Just ME and that machine. Did Idaho invent them yet?

Colin Biano said...

the postal workers are always so bitter, but seeing who they deal with all day, i'm not sure i can blame them

kitkat said...

lol i've never been to a postoffice or mailed anything in my whole life!

Laughing Vault said...

hahah she was very scary xD

Jessica Thompson said...

Lmao at the comic. Following and supporting. alphabetalife.blogspot.com

Heather said...

The comic was hilarious and I totally get where your coming from, some days our post office has a line 30strong stuffed in a 10x5 area.

Jack of Diamonds said...

Watch phonejacker, its so funny

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