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5/23/12

Brandon's Bizarre Moving Adventure!

I remember back in my college days, helping a female friend move usually meant 2 of the 3 following things:

- Pizza

- Beer

- Sexual Favors

I recently helped my sister in law move (heh, scratch #3 from that list) out of mom and dad's house, and I remembered why I don't like moving.

Especially when stairs are involved.  Seriously, why do people rent 2nd-floor apartments???

The plan started out simple:  Meet up at noon Saturday.  Gf and I, sis in law, a few of her other friends, and 2-3 trucks to move stuff.  With luck, we can get it all done in two hours, three tops.

Her friends, um, forgot.  The only truck we had was "Dad's" old beat-up pickup, but we will make it work.

I gulped, since I would be the only man there.  This means the majority of the heavy lifting would be done by yours truly.

Moving was slow but steady.  About 4 hours into the process (and about 50% progress) one of the truck tires begins to leak.

The valve stem had a small crack in it, and if you put pressure on the stem the leaking stopped.

...so what did I do?

Why, I improvised, of course.  By wedging a pebble between the rim and the stem, the leak stopped.  A few layers of electrical tape later, we were good to go and making trips again.

Seriously, isn't this awesome?  Manliness achievement unlocked.

Your move, McGuyver.  Beat THAT, Chuck Norris.

After moving everything in to the apartment, pizza arrived.  Beer was distributed.  Relaxation commenced.  Then we tried to move furniture into place...

...and the bed wouldn't fit.

It was a one-bedroom apartment, and sis' 5yo kid was getting the real bedroom.  Sis was converting a walk-in closet into her "Bed Hole" and measured to make sure her bed would fit.

The measurement was off by about an inch.  The box spring wouldn't fit.

...so what did I do?

Beer-basted Brandon offered to trim down the box spring by an inch to make it fit.

The ladies, of course, loved the idea.

So I found an electric saw, chopped the box spring in half, and trimmed it down the middle just a smidge.

Power tools + alcohol.  This isn't the first time...

10 minutes (and a few laughs) later, we had the bed into place.  It barely fit, but it did fit.  And that's what counts, right?

It was a masterpiece.

BEHOLD, THE BED HOLE!!

...just don't look under the sheets...
The phrase "You're a man, you can make it fit" was tossed around a lot that day, often followed by "that's what she said..."  I felt really ghetto for my maneuvers that day, but it worked.

And besides, I grew up in the ghetto.  I should embrace my talents and not be embarrassed by them...

Isn't moving fun?  I hope I don't have to do it myself anytime soon...
Please Share it! :)

24 witty retorts:

Pickleope said...

"On a cold gray mornin' a box spring is gettin,
sawed so it be fittin
in the ghetto...
In the ghettooooooo."
Now I'll have Elvis (or Cartman) stuck in my head as I make up new lyrics involving electrical tape and tire stems.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Love your mcguyer job!

Nia Langley said...

Haha! "Your move, McGuyver. Beat THAT, Chuck Norris."

I'm sorry that most of the heavy lifting was your responsibility. I dislike moving. It's not fun...at all.

However, not bad on the trimming of the box spring! I probably wouldn't have thought of that.

nialangleyspeaks.blogspot.com

Zombie said...

Beer, pizza and sexual favors. A man could survive on just those. lol.

Sweety Darlin said...

I am impressed with the bed hole trick much more so than the reciprocating saw trick! However good job!

Random Girl said...

That's some quick thinking with power tools/bed spring thing! All you need is a youtube video of you giggling as you did it! I'm moving in 20-some days from now. I have the biggest (heaven) bed ever...I've already started "payment" for the moving help in advance. I'm a planner like that.

Smart Ass Sara said...

When we bought our house, we figured everything we owned would fit. We saw these people had huge beds in the upstairs rooms and figured we were set.

We were not set.

Aside from having to buy a new stove (the one in there was a fire hazard) and a new fridge (the one in there was disgusting and at 5 months pregnant, I refused to clean it), we had to buy a new bed. Because our bed? Did not fit. No way was that bitch going up those stairs. Matt drove around to every open furniture store at 5pm on a Saturday, and only found one bed. It, to this day, is the worst bed I have ever had in my life. Biggest piece of shit ever.

JJ said...

I am impressed by your level of manliness. I feel that you smashed the empty beer cans on your forehead before tossing them into the recycle bin- you're that kind of man to me now.

Lady Estrogen said...

I had the McGuyver soundtrack going the entire read!

Brandon Lostinidaho said...

@JJ: Only problem? They were bottles of beer, not cans. Otherwise, probably.

Just Keepin It Real, Folks! said...

YOU DA MAN!!!!!!! Seriously impressive!!!

The Management said...

Go you. I love it. I'm very impressed.

middle child said...

So now that you've grown up a bit, you know that duct tape trumps electrical tape, right? I so like that you are a man that can and does fix things instead of spouting something like, "It will never work." You are ingenius!

Brandon Lostinidaho said...

Heh, couldn't find duct tape fast enough.... :)

Adsila said...

I am not looking forward to moving again in October. Your post brings back memories of my friend and I moving into our first apartment.

AccordingtoJewels said...

You weren't kidding when you said "bed hole"! Fabulous ingenuity! I would have sat, drinking beer, and waiting for you to lose a finger with that saw...but that's just me and I'm sweet like that. ;)

Crack You Whip said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Brandon mentions sexual favors for moving help, and Crack You Whip says "Now I know who to call the next time I move!"

Talk about a blogging collaboration. Which site is going to have the sex tape???

DogsOnDrugs.com said...

Once spent a weekend packing a U-Haul to move out of town (HAD to be out on Monday), and of course Monday morning the car all of a sudden could not move a foot without horrible, grinding noises coming from the wheels.

My girlfriend had ridden on a bad tire for too long, it had vibrated the other tires literally into pieces, and the brakes, pads, and everything else were completely hosed.

I sympathize with anyone who experiences even the most minor of setbacks during moving. Moving sucks enough without having the unexpected fuck you up.

Amy said...

You scratched #3 off so easily. Why such a quitter?

A Beer for the Shower said...

When I moved from my second floor apartment, I laid out a sheet on the grass below, and I threw everything over the edge of the balcony, including my couch. There was no way in hell I was wrestling that down a freaking spiral staircase.

Moving like a man. Cheers to that!

Thank, Q said...

That tire patch is awesome! No way I would have thought of that or had the guts to try it.

I remember when my brother moved to Dallas. His apartment was on the 3rd floor and I wasn't happy about moving things there. If I ever leave my current house, I'm selling everything in it. Skip moving furniture.

NellieVaughn said...

I actually really like the idea of a bed hole. I could turn my closet into my bedroom, and my bedroom into my office.

CrazyTragicAlmostMagic said...

I'm on the 3rd floor of a walk up. I've moved so many times I should start a freelance pack 'n move company. I'm the weird girl who likes moving.

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