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2/11/12

Valentine's Gifts for the Hopeless and Inept

With Valentine's Day only hours away now (tick tock, tick tock), some procrastinating guys out there are still scrambling for gift ideas.

And this is 2012.  Flowers and chocolates may be timeless, but they're soooo 20th century.

Last year, I had a list of great Valentine's Day Cards to give to your loved one.  This year I'm going to give you a list of gifts you can actually order online.

...and why you'd be a fool to pick from any of them...

First up is an 'I heart your vagina' card you can buy from etsy.  The user's name is xjavea, and while original, isn't a great valentine's card.

Why?

On a random day in May, this would be creative, funny, and mildly sexy.

On February 14th, this simply screams "ok, here.  I got you a card.  Can we bang now, or what?"

(Coincidentally, xjaeva also has an 'I heart your penis' card available.  While the vagina card may be tacky for V-day, the penis card is acceptable.  Go for it, ladies...)

Speaking of sex-related...

There is a new sexual-aid product out there called Masque.  I have seen many-a-blogger talk about it.  If you are a female giving this to your guy, you should be ok.  But if you're a dude, this (again) says "let's cut to the chase" in a very un-romantic way.

Click to enlarge
Masque is another one of those 'just because' presents that don't translate well on February 14.  It's just asking for trouble guys... You'd be better off buying her a vacuum....

Lastly are any of the items you see advertised on TV or hear on talk radio programs.  Mail order berries, footie pajamas, or....

...the gigantic 4-foot teddy bears.

Or any teddy bears for this matter.

Gigantic stuffed animals are only acceptable as a love-gift if you win it at a carnival game.

Any other situation is just weird or creepy.

With one minor exception, but again, not for Valentine's day...

If you travel a lot and your girl needs something to, er, love while you're away, the gigantic teddy bear may be the way to go.

Teddy, plus a strap-on from an online sex shop, and VOILA:


Guys, what gifts have you purchased in the past that have just crashed and burned?

Ladies, what are some of your horror stories?

...or did Pooh scare you all away?
Please Share it! :)

21 witty retorts:

Vinny C said...

My wife's one of those "giant stuffed animal works for any occasion" types . If not that, then expensive-ass jewelry.

She's gotten a lot of stuffed animals over the years.

Bart said...

thanks, jerk :)

D4 said...

Crash? Burn? V-day is the day for easy sex. Turn your romance on, buy her a card and hand write a poem on there. If you're not skilled it works even better. The thought counts HARD CORE on February 14th. If you've been together for more than just 2 months, an honest and intimate poem will get you hours of sex. Buying gifts is for the rich. Playing "Can't Buy Me Love" by The Beatles some days before the big day also helps! Just, turn your ipod on, accidentally let that song play a few times. By accident.

I'm not cheap, I'm just broke.

Autumnforest said...

I got a toaster oven for Valentine's one year. He is now my ex.

Haven said...

Um. I've been with my guy for like 5 months now. If he doesn't remember V-day, I'm not mentioning it either.

If it was on a weekend then I'd be happy to do whatever it is that we normally do (which btw, includes hours of sex all the time anyways, yeah, I'm pleased) but it's on a Tuesday which frankly, is gonna cut into my gym schedule and interrupt my lifting routine. What a pain in the ass.

If he wants to come over after I'm home from the gym and showered to sex me up.... Score. Otherwise, ugh.

Al Penwasser said...

Sex on Valentines Day.
It's a dream I have.
Be careful buying a vacuum cleaner because it sends a subliminal message: vacuums suck.
And that's a little less "in your face" than Masque.
Pooh-silly old bear.
Who's getting more action than I'll probably get on Tuesday.

Al Penwasser said...

Pain in the ass?
Oh, Haven, I think you're doing it wrong.

Random Girl said...

I like Haven's answer, it's just going to interrupt my regularly scheduled programming so I'll pass. And you are getting punched for the pooh strap on picture when I see you. Bank on it.

Martina said...

Bwahaha these are awesome in a so-terrible-they-are-hilarious way.

I have a rule about Vday, if you buy me anything pink, red, chocolate or floral (including flowers) I get to punch you. I am very upfront about this, and luckily after the first time it happens, people realize I am serious.

I got my husband a card this year in which I inscribed "You're awesome because... you put up with my shit."

I thought it was fitting :D

Michael said...

What's Valentines Day? Yea...it's that important to me. Boyfriend and I are going to dinner I suppose, but it's nothing special to me.

Honestly.. give me the chocolates!

Underground Dude said...

The key is to get a sentimental, thoughtful, and romantic gift. Go ahead, and by the sexy gifts as well, but hold onto those until your partner initiates the sexy eyes and guides you to the bedroom. Then, pull out the sexy gift and be all like, "It just so happens I have just the thing for this type of occasion!"

Everyone's happy!

-UD
http://undergrounddudezp.wordpress.com/

Lady Estrogen said...

You've RUINED Pooh for me.
Wait. whut?

J-Roll said...

Pooh ALMOST scared me away.

Thank, Q said...

That Winnie the Porn photo is disturbing. I don't think that at age 40 I'm old enough to view your blog. I'm to the point where flowers and stuff don't mean anything to The Mrs. She prefers a nice steak dinner and quiet evening watching TV. I thought about a weekend at the Beau Rivage casino, but since we're going down there in a two weeks for a wedding, it seemed like a no-go.

Enjoy yours though, B!

Melanie said...

never will i be able to look at winnie the pooh the same way again. NEVER!!

i plan on getting nothing from my husband...because i don't think i ever have.

jesus...i am gonna have nightmares about that image...

G said...

I needed to break up with a girl many years ago (as I was young and had no backbone) so I decided to get the most offensive off-putting present I could think of.
One home BDSM kit later I thought I had nailed a guaranteed 'you're not the bloke for me', especially as she was a bit of a prude in the bedroom...
....so I thought.
Long story short...she loved the idea of a bit of kinky sex leaving me in a put-up or shut-up situation

Youngman Brown said...

I sent a lady friend a card with a little dog on the front. On the inside it says, "You make my wiener dance."

...The relationship was nearing an end anyway...

Come At Me Bro said...

This is great!

Zyu said...

Cool blog! Check out mine too!
http://commonvideogamers.blogspot.com/

Shockgrubz said...

There are only a few times that I've had a woman and money at the same time on V-day. I dislike presents, though, and instead took them out to eat.

Jessica ( frellathon ) said...

Omg never looking at Pooh the same way again.

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