And this is 2012. Flowers and chocolates may be timeless, but they're soooo 20th century.
Last year, I had a list of great Valentine's Day Cards to give to your loved one. This year I'm going to give you a list of gifts you can actually order online.
...and why you'd be a fool to pick from any of them...
'I heart your vagina' card you can buy from etsy. The user's name is xjavea, and while original, isn't a great valentine's card.
On a random day in May, this would be creative, funny, and mildly sexy.
On February 14th, this simply screams "ok, here. I got you a card. Can we bang now, or what?"
(Coincidentally, xjaeva also has an 'I heart your penis' card available. While the vagina card may be tacky for V-day, the penis card is acceptable. Go for it, ladies...)
Speaking of sex-related...
There is a new sexual-aid product out there called Masque. I have seen many-a-blogger talk about it. If you are a female giving this to your guy, you should be ok. But if you're a dude, this (again) says "let's cut to the chase" in a very un-romantic way.
|Click to enlarge|
Lastly are any of the items you see advertised on TV or hear on talk radio programs. Mail order berries, footie pajamas, or....
the gigantic 4-foot teddy bears.
Or any teddy bears for this matter.
Gigantic stuffed animals are only acceptable as a love-gift if you win it at a carnival game.
Any other situation is just weird or creepy.
With one minor exception, but again, not for Valentine's day...
If you travel a lot and your girl needs something to, er, love while you're away, the gigantic teddy bear may be the way to go.
Teddy, plus a strap-on from an online sex shop, and VOILA:
Guys, what gifts have you purchased in the past that have just crashed and burned?
Ladies, what are some of your horror stories?
...or did Pooh scare you all away?