A Small-Town Newspaper and the Polarization of Readers

I live in a small town and have to put up with a small-town newspaper.  I know that if I want real news of what's going on in the world I can't rely on The Post Register at all, but they still amuse me from time to time.

For being an unbiased, impartial newspaper, you'd be amazed how many religious-based articles there are.  Since this is an LDS-heavy area, they cater to Mormons even more than the Salt Lake Tribune does.

For example, the Post Register's Facebook page has 2 of their 4 most recent posts about Mormons.  One is talking about the Mormon Tabernacle Choir trying to reach out to the masses, and the other discusses how popular BYU-Idaho is getting.

The SLC tribune is much less Mormon-centric, even though the world sees Salt Lake as the Mormon-Mecca.  Their #6 most recent facebook article talks about Mitt Romney's representation of the LDS Church, and then you'd have to scroll through about 2 weeks worth of posts before finding something else religious.

So when I saw this comment-and-exchange between a reader and The PR on Facebook, I wasn't that shocked...  These are the comments about the Mormon Tabernacle Choir trying to become more mainstream:

I laughed.  Especially with the 'half our readers' quip from the newspaper.  On their website, they boast  a daily print circulation of about 22,000, targeting an area of over 230,000.  That's a 9.56% reach.

Comparatively, The Los Angeles times has about 53%.  The St. Louis Post-Dispatch boasts a 57% reach.  Granted, those are both major metropolitan areas, but the greater Billings area compares to Eastern Idaho (population-wise), and the Billings Gazette has a 42% reach.

I know print is slowly dying, but The Post Register seems bent on helping it croak.  A yearly subscription would cost me about $3.35 a week, yet I could get the Los Angeles Times for about $2 a week.  Sense?  This makes none...

The comment above shows that by catering to one demographic, they're risking alienating everyone else in the process.  If half of your subscribers (11,000... ha) are LDS, ok.  I'm sure they want to know what's happening around the world as well, instead of what's going on in their own church.

I have news for you, Post Register.  They (Mormons) talk about themselves enough as it is.  They probably knew about the things you report on before you report on it...  Non-mormons don't care about the goings-on of the church, so you're essentially preaching to the choir (pardon the pun).

Even if you take away the Mormon-centric philosophy, the paper seems to have troubles with fundamentals as well:

Granted, I used to play 'Paperboy' on my Nintendo in the 80's.  I know how hard it is to throw the paper just right without breaking a window or getting chased by an old lady.  But still, if you have a Facebook be prepared to communicate and engage with Facebook.  "You should have called us" and "email was lost in the ether" are lame excuses, and I am glad you were called-out on it in a semi-public setting.

Do you come from a small town?  If so, do you have a newspaper as skewed and out of touch as this one?  Please share your stories below.  With luck, someone from the Post Register will read this and learn something...  (and, with luck, hire a new Marketing/PR Director)

Ikea, Mormons and the Striped Polo Shirt

This is going to be like a sitcom with two plots running parallel, and at the end everything merges into one symbiotic mess.  Bear with me until the end, when my train of thought will finally reach the station...

A few weeks ago I noticed a phenomenon dealing with Mormons and striped polo shirts.  I was at the grocery store and was blocked at the entrance by two LDS families.  Two husbands, two wives, and seven children (all boys).  The two females wore nondescript outfits, but the clothes for the 9 males jarred me:

Polos.  Striped polos.  Horizontal-striped polos.  All of them.

The men, the boys and the infants were all adorned in striped polos.  The twins from one family wore IDENTICAL striped polos.  It was like a 'pod people' movie where normal thinking humans were replaced by striped-polo aliens, hell-bound on destroying the Earth.

From that point on, I started taking more notice.  Striped polos were the LDS shirt of choice.  Not all of them wore striped polos, but it seemed to be a good bet that you'd see them in one more often than not...  If the men aren't in suits or a shirt/tie combo, a polo will do.

Fast forward to last week, when I was in Utah for work.  My girlfriend usually has me get things while I'm down there, since Utah has more options for retail and food.

My last Utah trip, I ended up bringing home Chipotle for dinner...

This trip, she needed me to run into Ikea to pick up a half-dozen organizer rods.

If you have never been into an Ikea, lucky you.  They are designed to be lab-rat mazes, and will essentially take you through every single square foot of retail space before allowing you to check out and make your purchase.

Just in case you lose your way, they have these to guide you:

Little arrows on the floor, to guide you from entrance to exit.  From first floor to second, and back down again.

Looking for these rods, I spotted a display using them.  The displays usually have tags like 'this item can be found in textiles' which is exactly where it said to get the rod.

So I walk.

And walk.

And follow the arrows like a good little boy.

The textiles section happens to be the last section before the end of the maze, and of course, the rods were not there.

I began to backtrack.

This meant going the opposite way the arrow was telling me to go.

People looked at me with shock and disgust, like I had just murdered a kitten... YOU CAN'T GO THE 'WRONG WAY' IN AN IKEA.  That's more blasphemous than mowing your lawn on a Sunday...

I go back to the beginning, and scour every section.  Finally, after 45 minutes, I found the coveted rods, and headed back to the exit.

And now that I wasn't blindly following arrows, I noticed something...

Kids.

Scores of children.

About 2/3 of them were in striped polo shirts.

Above the torrent of twisting toddlers, I noticed a sign.

"IKEA:  Kids eat FREE on Tuesdays!"

It was Tuesday.

....for the love of God, it was Tuesday....

There were at least 3-4 children for every adult, and the food court was the halfway point between entrance and exit.

And I had to pee.

I decided to hold it, because I didn't want to go into a restroom that has suffered the constant assault of little kids.

I managed to escape without losing a limb or getting ketchup smeared on me.  The rods were $21 and change at the checkout, but I felt like I paid a much higher price than that... this trip took about a year off my lifespan.

Lesson learned:  If you go to an Ikea in Utah, don't go on 'Kids eat free' day.  The tornado of striped polo shirts will try to sweep you away.

Mormons and Posthumous Baptism: Insulting or A Nice Gesture?

One of my LDS friends on Facebook posted an article from Slate, talking about Mormons and baptism of the dead.  Specifically of Daniel Pearl, a Jewish reporter from the Wall Street Journal who was beheaded in the middle east about 10 years ago.

My friend's opinion on the article was this:

"Can just say, If you don't believe it, does it really matter? If you don't believe in the LDS church, does it matter? It shouldn't be a big deal unless you believe the practice is actually going to "work". The Book of Mormon is just a book unless you believe it to be scripture."

And while I agree to an extent, I think it's the principle.  If you don't believe in religion and think 'dead is dead' there is no soul to play with after you've passed on and this practice is pointless.  However, for religious people, this could be seen as the Mormon Church trying to call 'dibs' on your soul...

If you read more into the actual ceremony, the LDS Church believes you can't get into heaven unless you're baptized, so that's what they do.  They don't necessarily baptize you MORMON, but they want to give you the chance to 'go home.'  According to this website, they only do it for ancestors and family members of mormons, but there are plenty of stories around citing random baptisms of Holocaust victims, and even Barack Obama's mother.

As far as I can tell, this is a 'souls only' thing, and they are not digging up graves in the middle of the night.  Still, in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, it's going to be interesting to see how many of the undead think they're mormons now...

Some of the comments on the Slate website were interesting.  Askamormon has a website representative trying to explain the LDS point of view, while others chimed in saying "Mandate from heaven?  As a Catholic, I believe I have a divine mandate to burn you at the stake for your heretical practices. But as an American living in a pluralistic and secular society, I restrain that impulse for the greater good. There are some things that people of faith need to keep to themselves if we want to have a civilization. "

One commenter posted a link to a site called "All Dead Mormons are Now Gay" where you can baptize dead Mormons into homosexuals.  Interesting concept.

I also enjoyed the ever-confusing concept of Jewish people as a race vs religion.  I always thought Judaism was a religious choice, but apparently there are a lot of Jewish Mormons?  I don't even want to go down THIS road...

I just thought this was funny...

Lastly you can contact the church to be included in an opt-out list, so they don't go after you once you're dead.  However, a lot of people were asking for an opt-in vs an opt-out...

My general thought was I want to live and die by the beliefs I choose.  Whether that be Catholic/Atheist/Mormon/Hindu, etc.  Let me be who I want to be, and die that way as well.  I am free to make my own choice, and a posthumous baptism, to me, says "ok, now that you're done doing the wrong thing all your life, let US fix it for you!"

What are your thoughts on this subject?  Does it matter?  Do you believe in "Dead is dead?"  Or do you think a soul floats in purgatory (or worse) until the Mormons step in, and now, after 10 years, Daniel Pearl is finally in heaven?

Please share your opinions below.

(remember, you can comment anonymously if you like...)

Know Your Neighbor: Mormons vs Jack Mormons

Living in the epicenter of the LDS world, I often blog about Mormons and my experiences with them.

I'm here to say to you, today, not all Mormons are bad.  Some are actually quite cool, and I'm happy to say I have made friends with a small handful of them while living in Idaho.

But most of them are considered to be Jack Mormons (or, at least, that's what they call themselves...).  What does this mean, you may ask?

Jack Mormons are still believers of Joseph Smith and his teachings, but think of them like "Christmas" Christians.  The observe what they like, but ignore a lot.  They may not go to church regularly.

The ones I am friends with drink coffee.  And booze.  And curse liberally.   Some smoke.

Some popular mentions of Jack Mormons in the press include Chelsea Handler, Ryan Gosling, and 2012 Republican Candidate (for a while) Jon Huntsman.  Famous blogger Dooce is also reportedly in the Jack camp (though she describes herself as a recovering Mormon), as are the Mormons who made controversial calendars such as Hot Mormon Muffins and/or Men on a Mission.

source

The term Jack Mormon can also be used to describe non-mormons who sympathize with the LDS Church.  Sympathize is a vague term, which could easily mean "hasn't burned down a temple (yet)."  In that case, I guess I am one too....  for now.

Mormons still get a bad rap from a good number of people, and in some circles are still referred to as a "cult."  Whether they are or not isn't the point.

(...but if there were a cult-meter, they would be less cultish than Scientologists and the Hale-Bopp crew, but slightly more cultish then Jehovah's Witnesses and Anonymous...)

What is the point, however, is with all cultures and religious circles, there are decent people, indifferent people, and just plain jerks.  I know many assholes who are Atheist, Baptist, Black, White, Gay, Straight or disabled in some way.  I also know of a few Mormon assholes (and have blogged about some) but also know of some cool ones as well.  Some are "jacked" some are not.

Long story short, people are people.  Some let their faith/culture define them, some do not.  Jack Mormons are in the 'do not' category, and are ok by me.

And honestly, I like the term.  Instead of 'half-assed' I'm going to start using 'jack.'  For example: Jack-sex, for when she isn't in the mood but doesn't say no.

....thoughts?  Think it'll catch on?

Correlation Between Extreme Couponing and the LDS Church

Have you heard of these shows popping up on basic cable networks?  They involve women spending countless hours clipping and organizing coupons in order to save 90% on their grocery bills.

I admit... I watched one episode of Extreme Couponing.  It shocked me that you can save so much money.  This lady purchased $400 worth of groceries and only paid $35.

But let's break that down a bit...

She had to split her purchase over 12 transactions, to adhere to coupon rules.  The amount of time clipping and organizing coupons, as well as shopping in the store and checking out easily exceeded 30-35 hours.  If you're conservative and say 30 hours to save $365, it equates to $12.17 an hour.  I wanted to break it down, to show you this truly is a full-time job.

The only difference is these women piss off everyone at the grocery store (shoppers and workers alike).  A job that pays $12 an hour is decent, but a job that pays $12/hr plus turns you into the neighborhood asshole?  Not worth it.

So how does this relate to the LDS Church, you ask?

Linky

Mormons are trained to be prepared.  This means having at least a year's supply of food stored away at all times, as well as other disaster related tips (teaching the family how to react in an emergency, etc.).  While teaching your kids how to turn off electricity/gas in an emergency, as well as how to escape the house in case of fire is a good thing, it surprises me how detailed the church gets when talking about preparedness.

For example:


"As members of the Church we have been counseled for many many years to prepare and keep on hand at least a one-year supply of food. In the early days of our church the Saints were  admonished to have a 7 year food supply. Then, for many years  there was a time when a two-year supply was recommended, (and it undoubtedly would be a good idea for each of us to still  keep a two-year supply if at all possible as this will allow us to share with others). But in the meantime it is imperative that we heed the current counsel to obtain and maintain at least  a one-year minimum emergency food supply."


If you read what they recommend in a 72 or 96-hour kit, I can't even fathom what 1-2 years of supplies would look like.

Yet, local stores like "The Prepared Pantry," "The Preparedness Store" and even Walmart capitalize on this paranoia.  In both Idaho and Utah, you see occasional billboards asking if you are prepared, you know... "Just in case..."

It only makes sense that super-shoppers and mormons share a common bond.

After all, when you see the pantries of these extreme couponers, they're really pushing the limit of the foods' expiration dates.

16 cases of Mac and Cheese?

44 bottles of mustard?

Enough Crisco to keep the entire porn industry lubricated until 2025?

It's a bit much.

But then again, if the zombie apocalypse hits next week, I'm more or less screwed.  Mormons and extreme couponers will be alive and thriving for months to come.  But think about it... a world full of zombies, super-shoppers and missionaries??  Maybe death is the better option...

Salt Lake City: Mormon Capital + Gay Capital of the US ...coincidence?

According to a recent study by Advocate.com, Salt Lake City has been christened the #1 Gay City in the US.

Does it have the highest amount of gays per capita?  No.

Is it famously known for it's gay culture like West Hollywood or San Francisco?  Not quite.

But through a series of tests and tallies, SLC reigns supreme.  Factors like "Nude Yoga Classes" and "Openly Gay Elected officials" helped vault SLC to #1.

"But wait," I hear you asking... "Isn't Utah known for it's MORMONS and not it's Gay culture?"

Well, yes.  Of course.   But I think there may be a coincidence...

Heh heh... missionary....  heheheh...

You see, I have a good handful of gay friends.  One of my closest gay friends actually introduced me to my ex-wife.  (I forgave him)

One thing I remember from a lot of my gay friends is how 'anti-gay' they acted while they were in the closet.  I'm not sure if it was a front, or their way of trying to draw attention away from themselves, but I remember more than one doing it...

The LDS church has their contributions to the California Proposition 8 fiasco under their belt.  They donated a LOT of money to help make sure a ban on same-sex marriage happened in California, even though the number of Mormons in Cali is minimal...

If that doesn't scream 'closet case' I don't know what does.

Also, I recently did a post of Mormons looking for sex on Craigslist.  Most of the 'casual encounter' ads I found were male-for-male or female-for-female.  There were more Mormons looking for an anonymous same-sex hookup than for the opposite sex...

Now, I know I'm painting with a broad brush-stroke, but I'm doing it in the name of humor.  I have a lot of Mormon friends (to be discussed more at a later post) and MOST of them are completely heterosexual.  I also know the LDS Church isn't expressly anti-homosexual, as they DO have an openly gay Bishop.

But still.  For the lol's?  Yeah, they're gay.  ;)

Sh*t Mormons Say

Today is going to be brief, because it's going to be a long day for me.  Busy with work, busy with travel, and by the end of the day I hope to be 700 miles from here.

So today I present to you a compilation of videos, some made by actual Mormons, some made by mocking observers.

Either way, they're funny as hell.  That is, if you believe in hell.

I present.... Shit Mormons say.  Walk around an Eastern Idaho mall on a Saturday, and you'll hear at least 60% of these 'isms' within an hour.

"I bless this donut... to strengthen and nourish my body..."

Ending 2011 With Freaky Mormons Looking for Sex

2011 is quickly coming to a close, and I'd like to end my first year as a blogger with a bang.

I thought long and hard, and then couldn't think of anything.

But then...

"Bang..."

"Long and Hard...."

Why not a sex-themed post?

After hours of searching around the internet, I found myself on the 'Casual Encounters' section on Craigslist.  I found an interesting post for an LDS couple looking for another LDS couple for some swinging and swapping:

I smirked.  And laughed.  And then searched for more LDS-themed sex post.  I found these...

Surprisingly there was a lot of 'm4m' posts, especially in the Salt Lake Market.  Penises galore.

(If you want to see them, go search for yourself)

I'm ending 2011 with a new-found respect for Mormons.  Seems like they can get their freak-on too... now if only they would quit it with their "holier than thou" attitude in public...

Happy 2012, everyone!

Local Business Spotlight - The Missionary Mall

With a name like 'Missionary Mall' you were hoping it was just a bland sex shop, right?

Nope.

Meet one of the newer businesses to pop up in Eastern Idaho:  The Missionary Mall.  It is where the young mormons go to shop to get clothing and accessories for their 2-year mission of preaching and harassing unsuspecting people.

For the Grand Opening, they even had a giant inflatable "Mormon Man" in the front.

Mormon Man is the second-dullest super hero in existence (Sorry Aqua Man, you just suck...)

The Missionary Mall is the Walmart-Equivalent for Mormons on the go.  They have a checklist for missionaries on a budget, and everything comes with a 2-year guarantee, so you won't have to replace anything mid-mission.

Their lists is 2 Suits, 2 Pairs of Shoes, 6 ties, and 8 Shirts for 2 years of service.  Think about that list the next time you meet a missionary.  Smelly, over-worn pants and shoes...

As silly as I think some of the basic premises of their religion are, I have to show a little respect for these kids.  At a young age, being uprooted for 2 years and living in a strange land, having to talk to complete strangers and get blown off day after day...

Oh wait, that was college for me.  Except I did it in 4 instead of 2.  And got laid from time to time...

To any future-missionaries reading this:  Can I give you a word of advice?  Odor Eaters.  And maybe a few extra pairs of pants.  I know you're going to end up on my doorstep from time to time, but I'd rather not be able to see you, hear you, AND smell you.  This isn't a 'how many senses can we stimulate' game...

If anyone wants to come to Eastern Idaho and open up a S&M store called "Heathen's Haven" next to this store, I will love you forever.  Oh the shocked faces!

BYU Idaho Bans Skinny Jeans (But Doesn't) - Mormon Hipsters Cry Out in Protest

Skinny Jeans.  Form-fitting denim making hot girls hotter and hipster boys look weird.

And now, subject of another Mormon controversy.

Recently, BYU-Idaho in Rexburg has banned skinny jeans on their campus.

But they haven't.

But they have.

You see, all BYU students have to agree to an Honor Code that tells you how not to dress, how not to act, and what you're not allowed to do while attending their school.  If you break the Honor Code, you're out.  (Example:  BYU Basketball player has sex and gets suspended)

Some rules in the Honor Code include:

• Use Clean Language (...yeah, fucker...)
• Abstain from alcohol, tobacco, coffee, tea, and substance abuse  (TEA?)
• Live a chase and virtuous life (aka: NO SEX)
• Observe the Dress and Grooming Standards, which includes a ban on form fitting clothing and short skirts.

Posted at the BYU-I Campus

Form Fitting clothing?  Yep, that's skinny jeans.  So, in fact, they've always been a major no-no.

Once again, BYU is in the news because of their Honor Code.  It seems excessive, yes, but if you go to school there, you agree to those rules.

If you don't know what you're getting into, poor Mormon students, IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT.

(oops, I said 'damn...')

A few months ago, the BYU scandal was a major sports player getting in trouble for (GASP!) having sex.  Now, it's about skinny jeans being vulgar.  I give the major media outlets until February to jump on "STUDENT SUSPENDED FOR HAVING A STARBUCKS CUP IN CLASS" just to keep the Mormon taboo in the news.

To the outside world, these rules look silly.  And, in my opinion, they are.  Go to college and NOT have sex?  Men aren't allowed to have long hair?  Women aren't allowed to have more than one piercing in their ear?  TEA is banned?  TEA?

But these kids know what they're getting into when they enroll at BYU.  And they agree to these silly rules.  They, in essence, should know better.

Sadly, Mormon Hipsters everywhere are up in arms...

Poor mormon hipsters...

Happy Pioneer Day to All Mormons!

If you live in Utah, you are enjoying a 3-day weekend this weekend.  For the rest of the world, it will be Monday as usual.

Why?

Today is Pioneer Day.

July 24th is a Mormon Holiday (and a state holiday in Utah) celebrating the entry of Brigham Young and other Mormon pioneers entering the Salt Lake Valley on July 24th, 1847.

The pioneers migrated west because of persecution and general bulling in Illinois and other parts of the United States.  In oversimplifying terms, the Mormons were running away from bullies.

The celebrations did not last for long, however.  Apparently Brigham Young told one too many 'yo mama' jokes as he was leaving.  In 1857, the US Army caught up with the LDS emigrants, and the Utah War began.  President Lincoln eventually intervened, and Pioneer Day was celebrated once again.

Betcha didn't know that Lincoln wasn't only responsible for ending slavery.  He also abolished mormon beat-downs, and probably invented Lincoln Logs as well...

In Utah, Pioneer Day is celebrated with rodeos, parades, fireworks, and tons of congestion.  Many reports from Salt Lake City say traffic congestion (and fatalities) are highest during July 4th and during Pioneer Day.

Those crazy mormon drivers....

For the other 49 states and the rest of the world, it's simply July 24th.  If you feel like showing some props to your mormon bretheren, here are some fun ways to do it:

• Listen to Donny & Marie all day (I forget, which one's country, and which one's rock and roll?  Does it matter?)
• No coffee or booze.  Drink lots of lemonade or root beer, and use words like "golly" and "gosh darnit."
• Watch every mormon's favorite episode of South Park... and sing along!  (dum dum dum dum dum...)
• Learn some fun mormon facts

Or, you know, just do your normal stuff and don't bother.  That's what I'm doing today...

So if you're LDS, happy Pioneer Day.  Enjoy your festivities, and try not to party too hard.  At least you didn't die of dysentery on the Oregon Trail... that's one thing to celebrate.  I guess...

Politically Incorrect Teddy Bears Part II

As mentioned in Politically Incorrect Teddy Bears (part one) you can now buy a mormon missionary costume for your Build A Bear.  These costumes are available only in the Salt Lake City market, but guess what???  I go to SLC for work now.

Which means....

Yes, I went to the Salt Lake Build-a-Bear, and purchased a small handful of these outfits.   Why?

Because I want to do a giveaway.

If mormons make you snicker, feel free to enter the giveaway.  I will ship you the outfit, and you can dress up your little bear as a missionary, going door to door, spreading the message from the book of mormon.  Or you can make it a mormon voodoo doll.  Whatever floats your boat.

Rules:

Follow me on twitter and facebook.
Comment below, saying what you would do with this costume.
Tweet about the giveaway, linking to this site and using the hashtag #mormonbear

Up to 4 ways to get into the contest!  Good luck!  Entries must be submitted by Saturday July 23rd, as the winner will be announced Sunday.

Thank you, Mormon Zone, for giving me the bestest toy EVER!

My blog has a wide variety of readers.  One of which is a former intern at my current workplace.  She's LDS, and has a great sense of humor.  She's one of the "normal" mormons (I blog about the wacky ones) and always tries to add some with and mormon-truth to my blog.

Recently she turned me on to a website called Mormon Zone.  It is full of LDS jokes, and she thought I could get a tidbit or two for my blog.  I spent about an hour on the site, and she was right.  I DID get something worthwhile from Mormon Zone!

But not what she expected.  You see, most of the jokes were lame.  Ultra lame.  It had 'top 10' jokes about different LDS scenarios, and talked about their fetish with Jello Salad.  While slightly humorous, I didn't really see it as 'blog-worthy.'

However, one super-cool function I found on their site was their cleanliness rating:

This site has been verified as Ultra-Clean by cleanmeter!  Yay!!  But no wonder the jokes were so boring.  They're as tame as they get.  No pot-stirring, no controversy, no innuendo.  Just clean, happy, mormon jokes...

Cleanmeter is a website that lets you check the cleanliness of web pages before you go browsing.  It is used as a tool for parents to safeguard their children from seeing vulgar and obscene websites.

While I applaud the efforts of cleanmeter, I see this tool more as a toy.  I wondered what cleanmeter would say about my blog?

I typed in my url, and this was the result:

 

Two bits of vulgarity launched me into the mid-yellow range.  I'm not sure if I was more surprised at the lack of filth on my site, or the fact that only 2 vulgar references got me into the middle of 'naughty boy' range.

So I tried a few more bloggers I follow:

This is The Animated Woman.  She has an amazing blog, and is usually fairly clean.  I would consider her blog more child-safe than my own, yet according to cleanmeter her website was considered more dangerous than mine.  (I wonder how she will react when she sees this?)  One crude anatomical reference is scarier than two vulgarities... interesting...

Jillsmo at Yeah. Good Times. is a little more avant-garde, and it shows on the meter.  It catalogs all of her naughtiness, and shows you why I adore her blog so much.  This mommyblogger has a mouth, and an amazing sense of humor.  But BEWARE!!!  She's a scary RED on the meter!!

And then there's Michelle at Rantings of the Reckmonster.  She pretty much broke the scale, and I love her for that.  You go girl!!  Scare them sheltered children!!

Want to know where your blog ends up?  Or do you want to test your favorite websites?  Go to Cleanmeter's Website and enjoy the fun!

Know Your Neighbor: The LDS (mormons)

I seem to be doing one mormon post per month, and the last one (Mormons vs Dinosaurs) was pretty popular.  I'm hoping this post keeps the trend alive, since my current poll shows y'all like to hear about the mormons...

The 'know your neighbor' theme is something I will be using to educate the masses on what kind of people you could find living next to you, if you choose to move to Idaho.  The last installment (link) covered meth heads.  The second largest group in my town (druggies being first...) would be the mormons.

I have met a lot of people in this town who are LDS.  Some of them are pretty cool.  I mentioned once before a badass intern who used to be at my office (she reads my blog.  Hi E.)  There are also a group of 'Jack Mormons' who drink, swear, and are pretty laid back, but still drink the Joseph Smith-koolaid.

I have also mentioned in previous posts (link) mormons who do not like anyone outside their own kind.  They judge you, avoid you, and shun you at every opportunity.  The link I just posted shows a mormon interviewer who turned me down for a job because I wasn't the right religion.  THOSE are the kooks I can't stand.  When I bash mormons, it's the closed-minded cultish brain-washed idiots I'm referring to.

When in Eastern Idaho, one thing to keep an eye out for are tin stars.  For some reason, these are extremely popular with the LDS crew, and adorn many-a-houses.  You can actually take a walk through a residential neighborhood and spot these metal monstrosities on one out of every three or four houses.  I'm willing to wager most of those are mormon residences.

My girlfriend is a scrapbooker.  She shops at all the major craft stores in town, and often times I accompany her (I'm masochistic, I know...).  There are 2 chain stores in town, and one local independent business.  Porter's Crafts usually has all the good stuff, but they are so damn LDS it isn't even funny.  I make sure to be as crass as possible when I go there.  I talk to my girl about beer, sex, and anything R rated I can come up with.  The sneers I get, not only from customers but employees, is hilarious.

And, of course, they're the tin-star hub of the town.  They have dozens of different sizes, colors, etc.  They even sell accessories for them!  If you want to have a seasonal star, you can decorate it with flower decals in the spring, stars-n-stripes for the 4th, and cornucopia images for Thanksgiving...

Oh, those crafty mormons...

If you actually venture into an LDS house, you will see two very distinct themes:  A lot of 'family-centric' wall decor and artwork, and the infamous 'live laugh love' saying, ad nauseum.  I don't know what it is about the LLL slogan.  I think it may be mormon code for 'shun the non-believers' or 'big brother is watching.'  Either way, it's overdone.

There are so many variations of the LLL slogan.  The picture to the left has more of a biblical description.  The most popular one is "Live life, laugh often, love much."  I'd like to propose this one:

Live like noone is looking and judging.

Laugh so hard you snort milk up your nose.

Love is good, but lust burns more calories.

Does that make me a bad person??

Lastly, you can tell an LDS household from most others by the size of their family.  Do they have 6 children, and the parents are only in their late 20's?  Odds are they are either mormon or catholic.

You can look for minivans in the parking lot, or one of the larger vans or small buses, a-la Jon and Kate or the Partridge Family.  A rule of thumb:  If the kids are energetic and mom & dad are yelling at them, they're probably catholic.  If the kids are walking in single file, carrying musical instruments, or just have an overall 'glazed-eye' look, you can put your money on LDS.

If you have such neighbors, proceed with caution.  But, then again, if you're on the same street as this family, they have already visited you, brought housewarming gifts, chatted your ears off, and tried to talk to you about The Book of Mormon.  They're persistent lil scamps.

This has been a public service announcement by My Own Private Idaho.  Any observations and opinions can be concluded as 100% fact.  With a pepper-spray in one hand and a cocktail in the other, you too can help repel pushy mormon neighbors.  Thank you, drive thru.

Mormons vs Dinosaurs - A Jurassic Post

RAWR!

It means "I love you" in dinosaur.

Unless you're Mormon.  Then, it's just 'rawr.'

I saw this online the other day, and laughed my ass off.  I'm currently ordering this on a bumper sticker-magnet, so I can put it on my car and drive around town.

But it made me think:  Why don't mormons believe in dinosaurs?

After doing a little research, a lot of mormons were taught in seminary that God helped shape the Earth using a bunch of leftovers from other old worlds.  The dinosaurs were aliens from another world, already dead.  When God mooshed all the dead planets together to form Earth, the dino bones were buried and fossilized during the process.

It's not that they don't believe in dinosaurs, per se... They just think they're aliens...

While I couldn't find a formal "Book of Mormon" passage to show this, I did find a very interesting thread (link) about the subject.  Mormons and ex mormons discussing dinos and seminary...

This kind of goes what some Christian scholars believe.  Creationists are firm that the universe was created in 7 days, as told in Genesis.  Dinosaurs were a part of that process, therefore, can only be 1 day older than Adam & Eve (link).  The same people also believe that dinos were alive and cohabitated with A&E, since the bible says there was "no death" until the first sin was committed and Adam fell (link).

They also believe that dinos were still alive during Noah's ark, and there were dinos on the ark itself. (another link!)

In short, the way Jurassic Park was explained, and the modern theories about Dinosaurs, carbon-dating, etc are argued by mainstream religion left and right.

But who's right and/or more crazy in their beliefs?  Mormons?  Christian Scholars?  Or mainstream science?  I can't say for sure, but I'm leaning towards LDS as a little cuckoo...

Oh Mormons...
You so crazy....

Politically Incorrect Teddy Bears!

Today's post is brought to you by BUILD A BEAR!  YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

Yes, build a bear.  Where you can take your child/loved one, and spend $100 on a stuffed teddy bear that can be dressed as:

• A Fireman
• A Nurse
• An Astronaut
• A Mormon Missionary
• A --

Wait... WHAT?

Yes, you heard right.

Exclusively at the Salt Lake City build-a-bear, you can get a Mormon Missionary outfit for your stuffed animal.  This includes the signature white shirt and tie, some STUNNING shorts, a name badge, and the Book of Mormon.

No, folks, this is not a joke.

Officially licensed Build-a-Bear merchandise, folks.

Sadly, this is not on the b-a-b website, and it's hard to find on eBay.  Why only SLC?  Well, people were requesting it, and SLC is the Mormon hub of the world.  So there we go.

I wonder if you can make a Build-a-Pope-Bear in Vatican City?

Or maybe Build-a-Buddha-Bear in Asia?

I'm not sure.  If you know of any other religious teddies, please post below (Looking for Jerusalem Jew-Bears with a yarmulke and the Torah...)

As you've probably gathered from previous blog posts, I'm not LDS.  But I WANT ONE OF THESE!  Why?  I mean, c'mon.  A Mormon missionary teddy bear in the middle of Mormonville?  This is priceless.

Elder-Bear wants to talk to you about Joseph Smith!