Know Your Neighbor: Mormons vs Jack Mormons

Living in the epicenter of the LDS world, I often blog about Mormons and my experiences with them.

I'm here to say to you, today, not all Mormons are bad.  Some are actually quite cool, and I'm happy to say I have made friends with a small handful of them while living in Idaho.

But most of them are considered to be Jack Mormons (or, at least, that's what they call themselves...).  What does this mean, you may ask?

Jack Mormons are still believers of Joseph Smith and his teachings, but think of them like "Christmas" Christians.  The observe what they like, but ignore a lot.  They may not go to church regularly.

The ones I am friends with drink coffee.  And booze.  And curse liberally.   Some smoke.

Some popular mentions of Jack Mormons in the press include Chelsea Handler, Ryan Gosling, and 2012 Republican Candidate (for a while) Jon Huntsman.  Famous blogger Dooce is also reportedly in the Jack camp (though she describes herself as a recovering Mormon), as are the Mormons who made controversial calendars such as Hot Mormon Muffins and/or Men on a Mission.

source

The term Jack Mormon can also be used to describe non-mormons who sympathize with the LDS Church.  Sympathize is a vague term, which could easily mean "hasn't burned down a temple (yet)."  In that case, I guess I am one too....  for now.

Mormons still get a bad rap from a good number of people, and in some circles are still referred to as a "cult."  Whether they are or not isn't the point.

(...but if there were a cult-meter, they would be less cultish than Scientologists and the Hale-Bopp crew, but slightly more cultish then Jehovah's Witnesses and Anonymous...)

What is the point, however, is with all cultures and religious circles, there are decent people, indifferent people, and just plain jerks.  I know many assholes who are Atheist, Baptist, Black, White, Gay, Straight or disabled in some way.  I also know of a few Mormon assholes (and have blogged about some) but also know of some cool ones as well.  Some are "jacked" some are not.

Long story short, people are people.  Some let their faith/culture define them, some do not.  Jack Mormons are in the 'do not' category, and are ok by me.

And honestly, I like the term.  Instead of 'half-assed' I'm going to start using 'jack.'  For example: Jack-sex, for when she isn't in the mood but doesn't say no.

....thoughts?  Think it'll catch on?

Know Your Neighbor: The 40(something) year old virgin

Yes, you've seen the movie.  Well, I'm living next door to this guy, and he drives me batshit insane.

Sometime about a month ago, out sweet-old-lady of a next door neighbor moved out and her son (or son in law??  not quite sure) moved in.  According to our new "friend," she went chasing her boyfriend to Arizona, or Alabama, or Alaska (one of those pesky 'A' states...)

So she's out, he's in.   But he didn't come alone, he had a friend.

A female friend, but not in the way you think.

hurrrrrrr... herp herp derp...

He has a dog.  A pug, in fact, named Maggie.

Maggie is more than just your average pug.  Mostly because she weighs about 3 times more than the average pug.  Imagine a furry walking barrel with derp-eyes, a 6-pack of hot dogs for a neck, and a wheeze that sounds like she's gargling a pair of balls while trying to talk...

...that's Maggie...

And Mags is the ice-breaker of the bunch.  My girlfriend or I get home, and we are greeted by a snarling, snorting barking little dog.

That's like the doorbell for our neighbor friend.  He comes walking up, and starts a conversation about anything and everything.

"Are any of these stray cats in the neighborhood yours?  I had a cat once, about 20 years ago, and she used to...."

"I had a girlfriend once.  She didn't like my dog, so she had to go..."  (no, I'm not making this one up)

"Washing your car, eh?  Well, if Maggie gets on your nerves, you can go ahead and squirt her..." (What about you?  Can I turn the hose on you?)

He has an anecdote for any subject you can think of, and he will talk to you until you (forcibly) end the conversation.  The dude doesn't take a hint either.  We try not to socialize with him, we don't reciprocate in the conversations, and we try to end things as quickly as possible.

Yet he keeps on talking.  And keeps on smiling.

Maybe we're the only friends he has?

Know Your Neighbor: The LDS (mormons)

I seem to be doing one mormon post per month, and the last one (Mormons vs Dinosaurs) was pretty popular.  I'm hoping this post keeps the trend alive, since my current poll shows y'all like to hear about the mormons...

The 'know your neighbor' theme is something I will be using to educate the masses on what kind of people you could find living next to you, if you choose to move to Idaho.  The last installment (link) covered meth heads.  The second largest group in my town (druggies being first...) would be the mormons.

I have met a lot of people in this town who are LDS.  Some of them are pretty cool.  I mentioned once before a badass intern who used to be at my office (she reads my blog.  Hi E.)  There are also a group of 'Jack Mormons' who drink, swear, and are pretty laid back, but still drink the Joseph Smith-koolaid.

I have also mentioned in previous posts (link) mormons who do not like anyone outside their own kind.  They judge you, avoid you, and shun you at every opportunity.  The link I just posted shows a mormon interviewer who turned me down for a job because I wasn't the right religion.  THOSE are the kooks I can't stand.  When I bash mormons, it's the closed-minded cultish brain-washed idiots I'm referring to.

When in Eastern Idaho, one thing to keep an eye out for are tin stars.  For some reason, these are extremely popular with the LDS crew, and adorn many-a-houses.  You can actually take a walk through a residential neighborhood and spot these metal monstrosities on one out of every three or four houses.  I'm willing to wager most of those are mormon residences.

My girlfriend is a scrapbooker.  She shops at all the major craft stores in town, and often times I accompany her (I'm masochistic, I know...).  There are 2 chain stores in town, and one local independent business.  Porter's Crafts usually has all the good stuff, but they are so damn LDS it isn't even funny.  I make sure to be as crass as possible when I go there.  I talk to my girl about beer, sex, and anything R rated I can come up with.  The sneers I get, not only from customers but employees, is hilarious.

And, of course, they're the tin-star hub of the town.  They have dozens of different sizes, colors, etc.  They even sell accessories for them!  If you want to have a seasonal star, you can decorate it with flower decals in the spring, stars-n-stripes for the 4th, and cornucopia images for Thanksgiving...

Oh, those crafty mormons...

If you actually venture into an LDS house, you will see two very distinct themes:  A lot of 'family-centric' wall decor and artwork, and the infamous 'live laugh love' saying, ad nauseum.  I don't know what it is about the LLL slogan.  I think it may be mormon code for 'shun the non-believers' or 'big brother is watching.'  Either way, it's overdone.

There are so many variations of the LLL slogan.  The picture to the left has more of a biblical description.  The most popular one is "Live life, laugh often, love much."  I'd like to propose this one:

Live like noone is looking and judging.

Laugh so hard you snort milk up your nose.

Love is good, but lust burns more calories.

Does that make me a bad person??

Lastly, you can tell an LDS household from most others by the size of their family.  Do they have 6 children, and the parents are only in their late 20's?  Odds are they are either mormon or catholic.

You can look for minivans in the parking lot, or one of the larger vans or small buses, a-la Jon and Kate or the Partridge Family.  A rule of thumb:  If the kids are energetic and mom & dad are yelling at them, they're probably catholic.  If the kids are walking in single file, carrying musical instruments, or just have an overall 'glazed-eye' look, you can put your money on LDS.

If you have such neighbors, proceed with caution.  But, then again, if you're on the same street as this family, they have already visited you, brought housewarming gifts, chatted your ears off, and tried to talk to you about The Book of Mormon.  They're persistent lil scamps.

This has been a public service announcement by My Own Private Idaho.  Any observations and opinions can be concluded as 100% fact.  With a pepper-spray in one hand and a cocktail in the other, you too can help repel pushy mormon neighbors.  Thank you, drive thru.

Know Your Neighbor: The Meth Head

 
Way back in January, I made a post about Meth in Idaho.  It was meant to be more humorous than anything, but it still had some staggering facts:

• Idaho spends between $60 to $102 million annually to incarcerate and treat the offender
who admits 'I have a problem with Meth' —this represents between 32% - 55% of the Idaho
Department of Correction’s total budget
      o 52% of Idaho inmates directly attribute Meth use to their incarceration
      o 89% of female offenders in county jail in Idaho indicate they have a problem with
         Meth—73% of these women indicate that Meth is their drug of choice

• During 2007, more than 70% of Federal drug offenses in Idaho involved
methamphetamine

• Idaho ranks #4 in the country for past year Meth use by 12 – 17 year olds and 18 – 25
year olds

• Idaho ranks #7 for lifetime Meth use by high school students

I don't know about you, but that's some scary stuff.  Meth is BY FAR the drug of choice in Idaho, and it's effects are everywhere.

It's freaky to see these people first-hand.  I work at a non-profit, and one of the things we do is give out food-box vouchers for low income families, to take to the local food bank.  When a tweaker comes in, you can't help but stare at them for a little bit.  The twitching, the itching, the darting eyes, the fragmented sentences, it's amazing.

And all of this, just for a cheap high.

Surfing the net, I found this research picture from a local university.  It speaks for itself.

Meth is a combination of battery acid, paint thinner, camp stove fuel, drain cleaner, cold tablets, brake fuel and a dozen or so other toxic chemicals.  Anything that makes your teeth fall out, makes you want to tear your skin off, or turns you batshit crazy is not a good way to get high.  Whomever thought to combine all this stuff and go "Hey, let's smoke this!" had something wrong in their brain.

I was out last night with my girlfriend and her sister, drinking and socializing and venting.  You know, the usual.  They're like me, they like to people watch from time to time.  It was pretty obvious to us, as they walked in, who the meth-heads in the bar were.  Surprisingly, there were more women than men (at least, what I saw).

The good news is, if you're overweight, I've never seen a fat girl on meth.  They're all skinny.  Coincidence?  I don't think so.  Maybe meth should get a sponsorship from a major weight-loss corporation?

Sorry.  That wasn't funny.  Meth is no laughing matter.  At least, not like some of the other drugs...