...and that's why we eat Ham for Easter...

Just overheard at a coffee shop, one man speaking to another:

"Hey, do you know why we eat Ham for Easter?  There's an Easter Bunny, we eat Ham... and what does any of that have to do with Jesus?"

"Well, Jesus was killed by the Jews, and Ham ain't Kosher.  We eat Ham as a way to thumb our noses at them for killing our Lord and Savior."

"Oh.  I guess that makes sense...."

...

...what...the hell...

Game of Blogs - Enter NOW

Today is the final day to enter the Game of Blogs tournament, to decide our next ruler of the blogosphere.

Go here for more details:



And don't forget to promote yourself!  Voting starts tomorrow!

Blogging? Ain't Nobody Got Time fo Dat

I'm in Arizona, 1,000 miles from home.

Both for business and personal reasons.

One of my top customers is opening up a store in the middle of nowhere, so I'm helping make my product look good before they open.

And my dad died last week, so instead of coupling this business trip with some family time and fence-mending with pop, I'm taking care of his personal belongings and starting the long process of getting his assets in order.

And you know the rule.  When someone dies, there always has to be some fight about the money.  It doesn't matter if the deceased leaves an amount equal to a Lottery Jackpot or a #6 at McDonald's, here's always some squabbling involved.

So... Blogging?  Sorry, but I don't have the time.

Because of that, I leave you this song.  I hope it entertains, and I'll try to pump out something more 'of value' in the near future.

Love and mush,
B

On a Lighter Note

Still recovering from the death of my dad, so expect posts to be half-assed and semi-sporadic for a week or two.  My apologies in advance.  I'll be back to my regular 'tapdancing monkey' self in no time.

For now, I wanted to share this with you:

What.

Long-time readers of this blog know my day job is to sell pet food, feed, lawn supplies, etc.  I have been in the pet industry for a few years now, and I see a lot of interesting things.

But everything pales in comparison to...

THE PACKAGE.

The Package is a 3-treat-pack consisting of a 6" bully stick (aka penis) and the scrotum.  They're odorless, oven-dried, and dogs go bananas for them.

But... The Package... well, the slogan sums it up:  "It Is What It Is."

Yeah.

As a salesman, I have to think of ways to sell this product to customers.  I get to walk into retail stores and go 'hey, look at my package' and 'my package is going to make you a LOT of money.'

...do you wanna touch it?  Here, touch it...

I have such a 'hard' job...

And the jokes just keep on coming.  As a male, I have prepared 32 years for the chance to tell penis jokes and get paid for it, and here I am.

Side view.  I'm sorry.

It's not the most attractive treat I've ever sold, but those parts really can't be called attractive, can they?

(Fun fact:  Bully sticks are cut and sold in different sizes.  The 'full cane' is usually a 36" long tallywhacker of chewy goodness, and retails anywhere from $17 to $35 depending on quality and thickness.  And now you know...)

What's funny is the first thing out of my mouth when I saw this treat was "That's six inches?  Are you sure, that looks a little small..." and instantly THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID popped into my brain.

I may make the world of pet supplies look sexy and glamorous, but this product proves it's not all sunshine and unicorn-farts.  The Package is serious business, and with luck, will be a good moneymaker for me.

It has come to this... I am selling my package to make a living... for some reason, I'm not that surprised.

Gutted

My dad died today.

Rest in peace, dad.  I love you.

RIP Hyperbole and a Half: Let the Game of Blogs Begin

It has been a year and a half since the last update from Hyperbole and a Half.  There have been intermittent sightings on Google+ and Reddit, but there has been no public activity from Allie Brosh in ages...

At this point, a search party would be called off, and the cadaver dogs would be called in.

I am sorry to say...

...with a heavy heart...

...I think the queen of the blogosphere may be dead.

...and if she's not dead, her blog definitely is.

Her last post focused on depression, and it could easily be the case that she's fighting her demons before she returns to the public eye.

Either that or she's discovered Skyrim and is completely hooked...  I too have wasted hours playing silly games on my computer...

(ask me about my Plants vs Zombies trophies)

But her absence is disturbing.  With nearly 200 million pageviews and thousands of comments on every single post, she was undisputably the ruler of the blogging world.

After time, the kingdom needs to move on...

...and we need a new ruler.

The mythical Keyboard Throne has been empty for too long...

...and with that, let the Game of Blogs begin.

I will tend to the throne while we choose our new leader.  I do not wish to hold the title, as I would not be the best king for the realm.  I will, however, manage things until a new ruler is chosen.

...will it be you?

Submit your blog on the widget below.  Voting will begin on March 22nd, and be open for two weeks.  Tell your friends, tell your fans to come and vote.

Like a normal war, the smartest commander will likely win.  It is a numbers game, but there is also strategy.

But honestly, it's a numbers game.  Whomever gets the most votes will be considered king/queen of blogs, and will be idolized by all.

Do you have what it takes?

If not, who do you wish to lead us all?

Let the Game of Blogs begin.  I wish you all the best of luck, and may your rule be as just (and as fruitful) as Allie and Hyperbole and a Half's reign was.

The queen is dead.  Long live... you.

(Make sure to promote this contest on your blog.  After all, you need votes to win...)

Who Am I? (Clue: Not Slim Shady)

I don't do the 'chain post' things too often.  I consider them the equivalent of blogging herpes.

You get infected, and you're obligated to spread the disease to your bloggy friends.  And so on, and so on.

Lady Estrogen summed it up really well when she made her STD award...

But Heather from My Husband Ate All My Ice Cream is an awesome person who manages an awesome blog, so I decided to do this 'Who Am I?' post.

I answer 25 questions about me, so you can understand your *cough* favorite blogger a little better.  Here we go!

1 - Where were you born?  Orange County, California.  On a rainy January afternoon.

2 - Were you named after someone?  Nope.  I'm not a 'junior' but my nickname was 'bub' as in Bubba Smith.  My mom said I was born with shoulders like a linebacker, so I was her big boy bub.

3 - How many children do you have?  Two.  Both boys, both live in California with their mom.  I love them both, and they may end up having a little sister soon...

4 - How many pets do you have?  *I* have one cat:  Weeble.  But there are 3 cats and a dog in my house.

5 - Your worst injury?  Honestly, I've been lucky here.  I was bitten by a dog when I was 8, which resulted in two stitches on my arm.  I was in a car wreck once, but only walked away with bruises and soreness.

6 - Do you have any special talents?  I'm a musician, and I love to write and arrange music.  I was a flutist in college, and once transcribed the music from Super Mario Bros for a 60-piece wind ensemble.

It was epic.

7 - Favorite thing to bake?  I love making cookies.  If you've ever had a cookie from a Doubletree Hotel, I do better.

8 - Favorite Fast Food?  I'm in sales, and spend a lot of time on the road.  I eat too much fast food, and I'm over it.  That said, a Miguel's Jr. burrito is a must-do whenever I'm in Southern California.

9 - Would you bungee jump?  FUCK. YES.  ...but I'm afraid of heights, so there's that.

10 - What is the first thing you notice about people?  How they carry themselves.  You can tell if a person is timid or confident in a matter of seconds.

11 - When was the last time you cried?  Last weekend, when I was told my dad is probably dying.  I don't like him, but I still love him...

12 - Any current worries?  Well, #11... and my kids.  I'm 900 miles away from them, and I'm pretty sure they're being raised well, but I'm not 'actively' in their lives.  Not nearly enough.  I don't like being there.

13 - Name 3 drinks you drink regularly:   Water, Iced Tea (unsweet, sweet tea is NASTY) and Dr. Pepper.

14 - Favorite Book?  Does Penthouse count?  (kidding)   I really enjoyed the Dark Tower series by Stephen King.  Think a cowboy Harry Potter with naughty language and sex.

15 - Would you like to be a pirate?  Only if I can 'plunder the booty...'

16 - Favorite smells?  I think Alice sums it up really well...  I like spices (cinnamon, cloves) and strong scents.  I wear Chrome and Polo Explorer, so smell those and you'll know.

17 - Why do you blog?  The long version can be found here.  The short of it is Idaho sucks and is very strange.  I love to share the lunacy of this state and the surrounding areas.

(and I'm an attention whore)

18 - What song would you like played at your funeral?   A slowed down version of Enter Sandman.  'Off to never never land...'

19 - Least Favorite thing about yourself?  I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a '64 Impala...

20 - Favorite Hobby?   Music, blogging, and I like football.

21 - Name something you've done that you never thought you would do?  I thought I'd never leave Cali.  Idaho is something I never expected.  (fucking Idaho)

22 - What do you look for in a friend?   Benefits.

23 - Favorite fun things to do?  See #22.  And I love to travel.  I do that for my day job, so I'm living the dream.

24 - Pet Peeves?  Spelling/grammar issues, a superiority complex (politics and religion ESPECIALLY) and cockiness.

25 - What is the last thing that made you laugh?  My fiancee is getting her hair colored right now, and the girl-talk coming from the dining room is hilarious!  Chatty chatty...

And now, I have to tag 8 bloggers to do this too...  Time to spread the herpes!!!

...

...or not.  I don't feel like infecting you, but if you would like to do it, feel free.  I'm not gonna blog-fuck you, but you can blog-fuck me if you'd like.

Pothole Season

Not wabbit season...

Not duck season...

It's pothole season in Idaho.

As the snow begins to melt and the temperatures spend more time above freezing than below, the potholes come out to play.

Idaho has four seasons, but no spring.  Pothole season lasts from March until May, sometimes longer.

It definitely makes for some fun driving.  Cars swerving to avoid holes in the road... Repair shops making BANK with alignments or tire blowouts... And of course, the loud GA-DOONK as you hit a 6" pothole because you were too busy texting instead of paying attention to the road.

Because of the melting snow, puddles are everywhere.  You can never tell if you're about to drive over a harmless puddle or dive down the rabbit hole until you take that risk.

...or watch the person in front of you go first... either they glide over or disappear...

The only bright side I can think of is Idaho construction is on top of this shit.  Potholes are few and far between in California, but they take months to repair.  In Idaho, days (if that).  We prep for pothole season and patch things up quicker than you can blink.

But as soon as you fill one up, another appears.  It's like whack-a-mole in reverse... the holes are after YOU.

Absolution

Even though I have felt the sting of death before, it doesn't mean that I understand it.

Five years ago next month, I lost my father-in-law.  I was married at that time, and he was the glue that held the family together.

Although my (now ex) would complain about him spending all of his free time shut away in his den, and although his marriage was far from perfect, his death shook the family to the core.

After he passed, he became a saint.  Nobody would speak ill of him, and everybody only remembered the good.  The bad, the faults, all absolved in an instant.

I remember thinking "the only thing that truly washes away our sins is death."

I loved that man.  I loved him even more than I love my father.  I haven't spoken to my father in about 4 years, and I'm totally ok with that.

However, this week I received a message from one of my cousins who lives near my dad:  "Call Grandma, your dad is in the hospital."

I called almost instantly.  He's a recovering cancer patient, and had it in his lungs and lymph nodes.  When my grandma said 'he's weak, losing weight, having trouble swallowing, hospitalized because he kept falling / couldn't stand / couldn't speak clearly' my heart dropped.

I don't like this man, but apparently I still love my father.  I wept, even though I didn't know I still had tears left for this man.

I'm in Las Vegas now for work.  4 hours away from him.  I'll be in Arizona for work in 3 weeks and plan on visiting family then.  ...but does he have 3 more weeks?  If the cancer is back, I'm not so sure...

Grandma says 'everything's fine' and 'he's going to be ok.'  But she always says that.  Zombies can be at her doorstep, moments from breaking in and eating her alive, and she'd be 'fine.'

I'm torn.  What do I do?  Drop everything and go visit the man I can't stand, so I can see him one more time before he passes away?  Risk going in 3 weeks and him being gone?  Should I care??  (I keep asking myself this... my head and my heart are fighting...)

As much of an asshole my dad is, death washes away all sins.  I don't know why it does, but it does.