Ikea, Mormons and the Striped Polo Shirt

This is going to be like a sitcom with two plots running parallel, and at the end everything merges into one symbiotic mess.  Bear with me until the end, when my train of thought will finally reach the station...

A few weeks ago I noticed a phenomenon dealing with Mormons and striped polo shirts.  I was at the grocery store and was blocked at the entrance by two LDS families.  Two husbands, two wives, and seven children (all boys).  The two females wore nondescript outfits, but the clothes for the 9 males jarred me:

Polos.  Striped polos.  Horizontal-striped polos.  All of them.

The men, the boys and the infants were all adorned in striped polos.  The twins from one family wore IDENTICAL striped polos.  It was like a 'pod people' movie where normal thinking humans were replaced by striped-polo aliens, hell-bound on destroying the Earth.

From that point on, I started taking more notice.  Striped polos were the LDS shirt of choice.  Not all of them wore striped polos, but it seemed to be a good bet that you'd see them in one more often than not...  If the men aren't in suits or a shirt/tie combo, a polo will do.

Fast forward to last week, when I was in Utah for work.  My girlfriend usually has me get things while I'm down there, since Utah has more options for retail and food.

My last Utah trip, I ended up bringing home Chipotle for dinner...

This trip, she needed me to run into Ikea to pick up a half-dozen organizer rods.

If you have never been into an Ikea, lucky you.  They are designed to be lab-rat mazes, and will essentially take you through every single square foot of retail space before allowing you to check out and make your purchase.

Just in case you lose your way, they have these to guide you:

Little arrows on the floor, to guide you from entrance to exit.  From first floor to second, and back down again.

Looking for these rods, I spotted a display using them.  The displays usually have tags like 'this item can be found in textiles' which is exactly where it said to get the rod.

So I walk.

And walk.

And follow the arrows like a good little boy.

The textiles section happens to be the last section before the end of the maze, and of course, the rods were not there.

I began to backtrack.

This meant going the opposite way the arrow was telling me to go.

People looked at me with shock and disgust, like I had just murdered a kitten... YOU CAN'T GO THE 'WRONG WAY' IN AN IKEA.  That's more blasphemous than mowing your lawn on a Sunday...

I go back to the beginning, and scour every section.  Finally, after 45 minutes, I found the coveted rods, and headed back to the exit.

And now that I wasn't blindly following arrows, I noticed something...

Kids.

Scores of children.

About 2/3 of them were in striped polo shirts.

Above the torrent of twisting toddlers, I noticed a sign.

"IKEA:  Kids eat FREE on Tuesdays!"

It was Tuesday.

....for the love of God, it was Tuesday....

There were at least 3-4 children for every adult, and the food court was the halfway point between entrance and exit.

And I had to pee.

I decided to hold it, because I didn't want to go into a restroom that has suffered the constant assault of little kids.

I managed to escape without losing a limb or getting ketchup smeared on me.  The rods were $21 and change at the checkout, but I felt like I paid a much higher price than that... this trip took about a year off my lifespan.

Lesson learned:  If you go to an Ikea in Utah, don't go on 'Kids eat free' day.  The tornado of striped polo shirts will try to sweep you away.

Don't Commit a Crime in Utah, Lest You End Up HERE

I'm sure a small handful of my readers have been arrested at one point, or know someone who has been subject to the ugly hand of the law.

I myself am lucky.  No criminal record, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Those less fortunate know the feeling of having your mugshot taken.  It's embarrassing, and technically public record.  Which means, if someone wants to take your mugshot and put it in a widely-published paper, they can.

And in Utah, they do.

Maybe it's just to keep the Mormons entertained, and on the righteous path?

Meet Utah's "Jail Mugs" periodical.  For only $1, you can purchase this smut and sift through local arrests and mugshots.

Find your friends!  Look for old school chums!  Are there any coworkers in there?

The publisher takes full advantage of the term "Public record" and sells this mini-newspaper to those who thrive on scandal.  Crimes listed include Impersonating an Officer, multiple DUI charges, some Immigration Enforcement, and petty stuff like Failure to Appear.

Yes, if you forget your court date, they'll haul you in, take your picture, and you'll be immortalized in print.

Featured areas include:

Mugshot of the week, if you're the best looking person to get arrested.

"All Smiles" for those that like to grin as they're being booked.

Best tattoo, usually reserved for those with facial tatts or anything extra-ridiculous.

And my personal favorite:

The Naughty Hotties.

Could you imagine if every major metropolitan area did this?  Utah doesn't sell lottery tickets, and their alcohol is severely watered-down, so I guess they have to entertain themselves in other ways...

Problem, Heathens?

Found at an IHOP in Orem, Utah:

So, can this be considered a form of religious discrimination, or can this be compared to "Ladies Night" at a local bar?

And is it worth it to put on a white dress shirt and black tie to get a free Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity?  Because I'm considering it...

Problem, non-believers?

Happy Pioneer Day to All Mormons!

If you live in Utah, you are enjoying a 3-day weekend this weekend.  For the rest of the world, it will be Monday as usual.

Why?

Today is Pioneer Day.

July 24th is a Mormon Holiday (and a state holiday in Utah) celebrating the entry of Brigham Young and other Mormon pioneers entering the Salt Lake Valley on July 24th, 1847.

The pioneers migrated west because of persecution and general bulling in Illinois and other parts of the United States.  In oversimplifying terms, the Mormons were running away from bullies.

The celebrations did not last for long, however.  Apparently Brigham Young told one too many 'yo mama' jokes as he was leaving.  In 1857, the US Army caught up with the LDS emigrants, and the Utah War began.  President Lincoln eventually intervened, and Pioneer Day was celebrated once again.

Betcha didn't know that Lincoln wasn't only responsible for ending slavery.  He also abolished mormon beat-downs, and probably invented Lincoln Logs as well...

In Utah, Pioneer Day is celebrated with rodeos, parades, fireworks, and tons of congestion.  Many reports from Salt Lake City say traffic congestion (and fatalities) are highest during July 4th and during Pioneer Day.

Those crazy mormon drivers....

For the other 49 states and the rest of the world, it's simply July 24th.  If you feel like showing some props to your mormon bretheren, here are some fun ways to do it:

• Listen to Donny & Marie all day (I forget, which one's country, and which one's rock and roll?  Does it matter?)
• No coffee or booze.  Drink lots of lemonade or root beer, and use words like "golly" and "gosh darnit."
• Watch every mormon's favorite episode of South Park... and sing along!  (dum dum dum dum dum...)
• Learn some fun mormon facts

Or, you know, just do your normal stuff and don't bother.  That's what I'm doing today...

So if you're LDS, happy Pioneer Day.  Enjoy your festivities, and try not to party too hard.  At least you didn't die of dysentery on the Oregon Trail... that's one thing to celebrate.  I guess...

My Own Private Utah

In order to achieve the full feel of this post, please let this music play in the background as you read:

I spent the last week visiting Utah for work, and I have to say.... Idaho seems pretty tame by comparison.

And yes... I said it.  I mean it.  As much as I snark and rant about Idaho, the weird locals, the funny culture differences, and the mormon majority, Utah takes the cake when it comes to oddities.

Firstly let's address the video, which should be playing in the background.  My new job has me visiting pet stores, feed stores, hardware stores, etc.  THIS song, Dueling Banjos, was overheard two different times in two stores over the course of two days.  No joke.  If it isn't this song playing, it's some bluegrass nonsense, with the banjos plucking and the autoharp wailing.  Oddly enough, the twang being pumped through the speakers  fits perfectly with the twang coming out of the locals' mouths.

Mullets are back in season, as well as people with the slow, whiskey-induced drawl.  "You ain't from 'round these here parts... are ya?"  I tell them I'm from Idaho, and I get sneered at.  Which is funny, because I get those same sneers in Idaho when I tell people I'm from California.

The best part?  Utah is usually associated with Mormons, but I'm not talking about the LDS crazies right now.  I think all the mormons moved north to Idaho, to escape the Utah crazies.  And believe me, I can understand why.

Just having to deal with people in the stores is bad enough.  When you get on the road it's even worse.  Everyone is out to get everyone else, and cars are weapons.  An out of state license plate isn't like a target on your car.  People don't care about that in Utah.  Here, it's Me vs. The World, and all you are is in someone else's way.

Crazy is everywhere in this state, including its government.  A recent law was passed abolishing happy hours at Utah bars, because drinking specials could lead to excessive drinking, drinking and driving, date rape, child molestation, and OH MY GAWD THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!!

My response to this law... what bars?  I spent three days in Utah last week, and couldn't find a single hangout spot worthy of my attention.  Oh well.

Run!  I hear banjo music!

When it was finally time to escape from the looney state, I was glad to leave.  I ended up seeing a few good customers, but my overall opinion on Utah was "so-so place to visit, just not for long."  I'm sure there are good things about the state (national parks, for example) but when you're there on business, it's hard to find any pleasure on the trip.

It feels odd to say this, but.... huaaa.... errr.....  I was GLAD to get back to Idaho.  (ugh, that felt weird)

So, Utahans / Utes / Whatever you call yourselves... if you read my blog, please fill me in:  What is there to do in Utah?  I'm going to be back down there in about a month (SLC area), and would like to try and enjoy my stay next time...

Thanks in advance.