A Small-Town Newspaper and the Polarization of Readers

I live in a small town and have to put up with a small-town newspaper.  I know that if I want real news of what's going on in the world I can't rely on The Post Register at all, but they still amuse me from time to time.

For being an unbiased, impartial newspaper, you'd be amazed how many religious-based articles there are.  Since this is an LDS-heavy area, they cater to Mormons even more than the Salt Lake Tribune does.

For example, the Post Register's Facebook page has 2 of their 4 most recent posts about Mormons.  One is talking about the Mormon Tabernacle Choir trying to reach out to the masses, and the other discusses how popular BYU-Idaho is getting.

The SLC tribune is much less Mormon-centric, even though the world sees Salt Lake as the Mormon-Mecca.  Their #6 most recent facebook article talks about Mitt Romney's representation of the LDS Church, and then you'd have to scroll through about 2 weeks worth of posts before finding something else religious.

So when I saw this comment-and-exchange between a reader and The PR on Facebook, I wasn't that shocked...  These are the comments about the Mormon Tabernacle Choir trying to become more mainstream:

I laughed.  Especially with the 'half our readers' quip from the newspaper.  On their website, they boast  a daily print circulation of about 22,000, targeting an area of over 230,000.  That's a 9.56% reach.

Comparatively, The Los Angeles times has about 53%.  The St. Louis Post-Dispatch boasts a 57% reach.  Granted, those are both major metropolitan areas, but the greater Billings area compares to Eastern Idaho (population-wise), and the Billings Gazette has a 42% reach.

I know print is slowly dying, but The Post Register seems bent on helping it croak.  A yearly subscription would cost me about $3.35 a week, yet I could get the Los Angeles Times for about $2 a week.  Sense?  This makes none...

The comment above shows that by catering to one demographic, they're risking alienating everyone else in the process.  If half of your subscribers (11,000... ha) are LDS, ok.  I'm sure they want to know what's happening around the world as well, instead of what's going on in their own church.

I have news for you, Post Register.  They (Mormons) talk about themselves enough as it is.  They probably knew about the things you report on before you report on it...  Non-mormons don't care about the goings-on of the church, so you're essentially preaching to the choir (pardon the pun).

Even if you take away the Mormon-centric philosophy, the paper seems to have troubles with fundamentals as well:

Granted, I used to play 'Paperboy' on my Nintendo in the 80's.  I know how hard it is to throw the paper just right without breaking a window or getting chased by an old lady.  But still, if you have a Facebook be prepared to communicate and engage with Facebook.  "You should have called us" and "email was lost in the ether" are lame excuses, and I am glad you were called-out on it in a semi-public setting.

Do you come from a small town?  If so, do you have a newspaper as skewed and out of touch as this one?  Please share your stories below.  With luck, someone from the Post Register will read this and learn something...  (and, with luck, hire a new Marketing/PR Director)

Faith or Peer Pressure?

One of my former bosses was the 'sex drugs and rock & roll' type, until he found religion in his thirties.  He now goes to church every Sunday and is a leader at his chapel.

My sister in law became an atheist in her twenties, and decided growing up in the church was a waste of youth.

And you know what?  Whether I agree with their views or not, I have more respect for them (and those like them) than those that are born-and-raised Baptists/Hippies/Buddhists/etc.

Why?  Because they made a decision as an adult.  One that was informed and thought-out.  They matured on one path and decided it wasn't for them.

Now I know a lot of you have had your own religious Rumspringa and feel like you've weighed all options.  If you have, I'm not really talking to you.

I'm talking to the people who say "I'm a Mormon because my parents are Mormon" and that's good enough for them, like my example below.

This post started from a new video from Big Think, involving Bill Nye the Science Guy:

I'm a 90's kid and grew up watching Bill in High School Biology.  (BILL!  BILL!)  In this video he talks about parents not raising their kids to be creationists.

While I see the validity of his argument, I'd like to disagree with you, Mr. Nye.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster

Parents, take a part of Bill's advice.  Don't raise your kids to be Creationists.  But don't raise your kids to be Atheists either.

Don't raise your kids to be Pastafarians.

Don't raise your kids to be Mormon.

Don't raise your kids to be Democrats.

Don't raise your kids to BE anything, but an open-minded thinker who sees ALL SIDES of an argument and makes a rational decision on their own.  Faith isn't something to be rushed into, just like a three-year-old's decision on a career path isn't set in stone.

As we mature, our views on the world, on religion, and on BIG IDEAS should mature as well.  We shouldn't be programmed at a young age to think "...and that's the way it is..." about anything.

ANYTHING.

Parents, don't raise your kids with limits.  With boundaries.  With disadvantages.

This sign says it perfectly.  When we begin to think for ourselves and question everything we see, we begin to get answers that make sense to us.

If I was content on the views that were spoon-fed to me by my parents, I'd be a Jehovah's Witness that only votes Democrat (regardless of issue or candidate), smokes cigarettes, smokes pot and hates Mexicans.

That doesn't sound very fun, does it?

So.  Adults.  Sit down.  Look at who you are.  Is this who you are, or who your parents raised you to be?

The answer can be both, but if 'B' is your only choice, it's time to do some self-evaluation.

When I was working at an Idaho car lot, I had a Mormon friend I would hang with.  We'd go to the bar once a week after work (Jack Mormon, so he drank) and the topic eventually turned to faith.

Him:  So, what religion are you?

Me:  I'm not.

Him:  So you're an Atheist?

Me:  No, they're a religion too.  I have a belief in a higher power, something beyond our comprehension, I just see the major religions out there as corrupt and misleading.  I don't believe, in one way or another, that we have all the answers.  Most religions think they do, and know how everything is and was and will be.  I think that's really cocky on their part...

Him:  ....

Me:  So, why are you Mormon?  You drink, you swear... do you believe in the Mormon teachings?

Him: (without hesitation)  Absolutely.

Me:  So why do you drink beer?

Him:  Because I think that's ok, even though the church says otherwise.

Me:  Are your parents Mormon?

Him:  Yeah...

Me:  Is that why YOU are Mormon?

Him:  *Silence*

Six months later we met again, and he told me I was right.  He was going to church because he felt he had to.  He left the LDS church and was going to think and study about what faith means to him (if anything).

He was 'believing' for all the wrong reasons.

And there are a lot of people out there, just like him.

No matter what you believe: religious, political, etc.  If you came to those decisions on your own, I salute you.  You are the few, the proud, the lemmings that survive instead of run off the cliff because the person in front of you did.

Your move, Bill.  While I agree with what you are saying, I think you're leaving things just like the creationists:  In a little box of "...and that's the way it is..."

Ikea, Mormons and the Striped Polo Shirt

This is going to be like a sitcom with two plots running parallel, and at the end everything merges into one symbiotic mess.  Bear with me until the end, when my train of thought will finally reach the station...

A few weeks ago I noticed a phenomenon dealing with Mormons and striped polo shirts.  I was at the grocery store and was blocked at the entrance by two LDS families.  Two husbands, two wives, and seven children (all boys).  The two females wore nondescript outfits, but the clothes for the 9 males jarred me:

Polos.  Striped polos.  Horizontal-striped polos.  All of them.

The men, the boys and the infants were all adorned in striped polos.  The twins from one family wore IDENTICAL striped polos.  It was like a 'pod people' movie where normal thinking humans were replaced by striped-polo aliens, hell-bound on destroying the Earth.

From that point on, I started taking more notice.  Striped polos were the LDS shirt of choice.  Not all of them wore striped polos, but it seemed to be a good bet that you'd see them in one more often than not...  If the men aren't in suits or a shirt/tie combo, a polo will do.

Fast forward to last week, when I was in Utah for work.  My girlfriend usually has me get things while I'm down there, since Utah has more options for retail and food.

My last Utah trip, I ended up bringing home Chipotle for dinner...

This trip, she needed me to run into Ikea to pick up a half-dozen organizer rods.

If you have never been into an Ikea, lucky you.  They are designed to be lab-rat mazes, and will essentially take you through every single square foot of retail space before allowing you to check out and make your purchase.

Just in case you lose your way, they have these to guide you:

Little arrows on the floor, to guide you from entrance to exit.  From first floor to second, and back down again.

Looking for these rods, I spotted a display using them.  The displays usually have tags like 'this item can be found in textiles' which is exactly where it said to get the rod.

So I walk.

And walk.

And follow the arrows like a good little boy.

The textiles section happens to be the last section before the end of the maze, and of course, the rods were not there.

I began to backtrack.

This meant going the opposite way the arrow was telling me to go.

People looked at me with shock and disgust, like I had just murdered a kitten... YOU CAN'T GO THE 'WRONG WAY' IN AN IKEA.  That's more blasphemous than mowing your lawn on a Sunday...

I go back to the beginning, and scour every section.  Finally, after 45 minutes, I found the coveted rods, and headed back to the exit.

And now that I wasn't blindly following arrows, I noticed something...

Kids.

Scores of children.

About 2/3 of them were in striped polo shirts.

Above the torrent of twisting toddlers, I noticed a sign.

"IKEA:  Kids eat FREE on Tuesdays!"

It was Tuesday.

....for the love of God, it was Tuesday....

There were at least 3-4 children for every adult, and the food court was the halfway point between entrance and exit.

And I had to pee.

I decided to hold it, because I didn't want to go into a restroom that has suffered the constant assault of little kids.

I managed to escape without losing a limb or getting ketchup smeared on me.  The rods were $21 and change at the checkout, but I felt like I paid a much higher price than that... this trip took about a year off my lifespan.

Lesson learned:  If you go to an Ikea in Utah, don't go on 'Kids eat free' day.  The tornado of striped polo shirts will try to sweep you away.

Know Your Neighbor: Mormons vs Jack Mormons

Living in the epicenter of the LDS world, I often blog about Mormons and my experiences with them.

I'm here to say to you, today, not all Mormons are bad.  Some are actually quite cool, and I'm happy to say I have made friends with a small handful of them while living in Idaho.

But most of them are considered to be Jack Mormons (or, at least, that's what they call themselves...).  What does this mean, you may ask?

Jack Mormons are still believers of Joseph Smith and his teachings, but think of them like "Christmas" Christians.  The observe what they like, but ignore a lot.  They may not go to church regularly.

The ones I am friends with drink coffee.  And booze.  And curse liberally.   Some smoke.

Some popular mentions of Jack Mormons in the press include Chelsea Handler, Ryan Gosling, and 2012 Republican Candidate (for a while) Jon Huntsman.  Famous blogger Dooce is also reportedly in the Jack camp (though she describes herself as a recovering Mormon), as are the Mormons who made controversial calendars such as Hot Mormon Muffins and/or Men on a Mission.

source

The term Jack Mormon can also be used to describe non-mormons who sympathize with the LDS Church.  Sympathize is a vague term, which could easily mean "hasn't burned down a temple (yet)."  In that case, I guess I am one too....  for now.

Mormons still get a bad rap from a good number of people, and in some circles are still referred to as a "cult."  Whether they are or not isn't the point.

(...but if there were a cult-meter, they would be less cultish than Scientologists and the Hale-Bopp crew, but slightly more cultish then Jehovah's Witnesses and Anonymous...)

What is the point, however, is with all cultures and religious circles, there are decent people, indifferent people, and just plain jerks.  I know many assholes who are Atheist, Baptist, Black, White, Gay, Straight or disabled in some way.  I also know of a few Mormon assholes (and have blogged about some) but also know of some cool ones as well.  Some are "jacked" some are not.

Long story short, people are people.  Some let their faith/culture define them, some do not.  Jack Mormons are in the 'do not' category, and are ok by me.

And honestly, I like the term.  Instead of 'half-assed' I'm going to start using 'jack.'  For example: Jack-sex, for when she isn't in the mood but doesn't say no.

....thoughts?  Think it'll catch on?

Correlation Between Extreme Couponing and the LDS Church

Have you heard of these shows popping up on basic cable networks?  They involve women spending countless hours clipping and organizing coupons in order to save 90% on their grocery bills.

I admit... I watched one episode of Extreme Couponing.  It shocked me that you can save so much money.  This lady purchased $400 worth of groceries and only paid $35.

But let's break that down a bit...

She had to split her purchase over 12 transactions, to adhere to coupon rules.  The amount of time clipping and organizing coupons, as well as shopping in the store and checking out easily exceeded 30-35 hours.  If you're conservative and say 30 hours to save $365, it equates to $12.17 an hour.  I wanted to break it down, to show you this truly is a full-time job.

The only difference is these women piss off everyone at the grocery store (shoppers and workers alike).  A job that pays $12 an hour is decent, but a job that pays $12/hr plus turns you into the neighborhood asshole?  Not worth it.

So how does this relate to the LDS Church, you ask?

Linky

Mormons are trained to be prepared.  This means having at least a year's supply of food stored away at all times, as well as other disaster related tips (teaching the family how to react in an emergency, etc.).  While teaching your kids how to turn off electricity/gas in an emergency, as well as how to escape the house in case of fire is a good thing, it surprises me how detailed the church gets when talking about preparedness.

For example:


"As members of the Church we have been counseled for many many years to prepare and keep on hand at least a one-year supply of food. In the early days of our church the Saints were  admonished to have a 7 year food supply. Then, for many years  there was a time when a two-year supply was recommended, (and it undoubtedly would be a good idea for each of us to still  keep a two-year supply if at all possible as this will allow us to share with others). But in the meantime it is imperative that we heed the current counsel to obtain and maintain at least  a one-year minimum emergency food supply."


If you read what they recommend in a 72 or 96-hour kit, I can't even fathom what 1-2 years of supplies would look like.

Yet, local stores like "The Prepared Pantry," "The Preparedness Store" and even Walmart capitalize on this paranoia.  In both Idaho and Utah, you see occasional billboards asking if you are prepared, you know... "Just in case..."

It only makes sense that super-shoppers and mormons share a common bond.

After all, when you see the pantries of these extreme couponers, they're really pushing the limit of the foods' expiration dates.

16 cases of Mac and Cheese?

44 bottles of mustard?

Enough Crisco to keep the entire porn industry lubricated until 2025?

It's a bit much.

But then again, if the zombie apocalypse hits next week, I'm more or less screwed.  Mormons and extreme couponers will be alive and thriving for months to come.  But think about it... a world full of zombies, super-shoppers and missionaries??  Maybe death is the better option...

Salt Lake City: Mormon Capital + Gay Capital of the US ...coincidence?

According to a recent study by Advocate.com, Salt Lake City has been christened the #1 Gay City in the US.

Does it have the highest amount of gays per capita?  No.

Is it famously known for it's gay culture like West Hollywood or San Francisco?  Not quite.

But through a series of tests and tallies, SLC reigns supreme.  Factors like "Nude Yoga Classes" and "Openly Gay Elected officials" helped vault SLC to #1.

"But wait," I hear you asking... "Isn't Utah known for it's MORMONS and not it's Gay culture?"

Well, yes.  Of course.   But I think there may be a coincidence...

Heh heh... missionary....  heheheh...

You see, I have a good handful of gay friends.  One of my closest gay friends actually introduced me to my ex-wife.  (I forgave him)

One thing I remember from a lot of my gay friends is how 'anti-gay' they acted while they were in the closet.  I'm not sure if it was a front, or their way of trying to draw attention away from themselves, but I remember more than one doing it...

The LDS church has their contributions to the California Proposition 8 fiasco under their belt.  They donated a LOT of money to help make sure a ban on same-sex marriage happened in California, even though the number of Mormons in Cali is minimal...

If that doesn't scream 'closet case' I don't know what does.

Also, I recently did a post of Mormons looking for sex on Craigslist.  Most of the 'casual encounter' ads I found were male-for-male or female-for-female.  There were more Mormons looking for an anonymous same-sex hookup than for the opposite sex...

Now, I know I'm painting with a broad brush-stroke, but I'm doing it in the name of humor.  I have a lot of Mormon friends (to be discussed more at a later post) and MOST of them are completely heterosexual.  I also know the LDS Church isn't expressly anti-homosexual, as they DO have an openly gay Bishop.

But still.  For the lol's?  Yeah, they're gay.  ;)

Sh*t Mormons Say

Today is going to be brief, because it's going to be a long day for me.  Busy with work, busy with travel, and by the end of the day I hope to be 700 miles from here.

So today I present to you a compilation of videos, some made by actual Mormons, some made by mocking observers.

Either way, they're funny as hell.  That is, if you believe in hell.

I present.... Shit Mormons say.  Walk around an Eastern Idaho mall on a Saturday, and you'll hear at least 60% of these 'isms' within an hour.

"I bless this donut... to strengthen and nourish my body..."

Muslim Women Banned from Eating Bananas, Carrots, and Other Phallic Food

Bananas.  The phallic fruit.  Used in sex ed classes, and loved by men everywhere when a woman peels one and shoves it in her mouth.

And now, according to news stories hitting the web, banned in Islam.

According to news reports coming from the middle east, an unnamed Islamic cleric is now discouraging women from eating bananas, cucumbers, carrots, and other fruit shaped in a penis-like way.

The reasoning?  This may tempt Muslim women to become sexually active, or put sexual thoughts into their head.

If your Muslim woman loves carrots and bananas, there is still a way for them to enjoy these nutritional (and tasty) foods:

A man (husband, brother, father) is to retire to a place where the woman cannot see, and cut the food into pieces that do not resemble the original phallic shape.

In other words, if it's shaped like a pee-pee, it's not allowed.

Someone sarcastically asked the cleric how they would control their women in the marketplace, where bananas and other 'forbidden' foods are in abundance.  His response?  "That is between them and their Lord."

Since I live in the land of Modesty (thanks to the LDS majority in town), this news report made me smirk.  I can see the mormon church adopting this stance, just because you wouldn't want to taint or corrupt the minds of young women everywhere...

I mean, skinny jeans are banned.... why not carrots and corn dogs?  You'll never see a Starbucks within two miles of a BYU Campus... but come to think of it, you don't see any Weinerschnitzel's either...

What is your opinion on this law?

Is it silly, or can you see the intent behind this decree?

I know a handful of women who have used cucumbers or other foods as sexual objects, when they were young and couldn't buy toys.

Is this the fault of the person or the food?

How long before we see mockers and crazy people taking bananas and carrots to Mosques, and trying to hand them out to Muslim women?

How long before some porn company makes the Ultimate Taboo flick:  A Muslim woman in a Burka, eating a corn dog, surrounded by bananas?

And how long did you stare at that cucumber??

BYU Idaho Bans Skinny Jeans (But Doesn't) - Mormon Hipsters Cry Out in Protest

Skinny Jeans.  Form-fitting denim making hot girls hotter and hipster boys look weird.

And now, subject of another Mormon controversy.

Recently, BYU-Idaho in Rexburg has banned skinny jeans on their campus.

But they haven't.

But they have.

You see, all BYU students have to agree to an Honor Code that tells you how not to dress, how not to act, and what you're not allowed to do while attending their school.  If you break the Honor Code, you're out.  (Example:  BYU Basketball player has sex and gets suspended)

Some rules in the Honor Code include:

• Use Clean Language (...yeah, fucker...)
• Abstain from alcohol, tobacco, coffee, tea, and substance abuse  (TEA?)
• Live a chase and virtuous life (aka: NO SEX)
• Observe the Dress and Grooming Standards, which includes a ban on form fitting clothing and short skirts.

Posted at the BYU-I Campus

Form Fitting clothing?  Yep, that's skinny jeans.  So, in fact, they've always been a major no-no.

Once again, BYU is in the news because of their Honor Code.  It seems excessive, yes, but if you go to school there, you agree to those rules.

If you don't know what you're getting into, poor Mormon students, IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT.

(oops, I said 'damn...')

A few months ago, the BYU scandal was a major sports player getting in trouble for (GASP!) having sex.  Now, it's about skinny jeans being vulgar.  I give the major media outlets until February to jump on "STUDENT SUSPENDED FOR HAVING A STARBUCKS CUP IN CLASS" just to keep the Mormon taboo in the news.

To the outside world, these rules look silly.  And, in my opinion, they are.  Go to college and NOT have sex?  Men aren't allowed to have long hair?  Women aren't allowed to have more than one piercing in their ear?  TEA is banned?  TEA?

But these kids know what they're getting into when they enroll at BYU.  And they agree to these silly rules.  They, in essence, should know better.

Sadly, Mormon Hipsters everywhere are up in arms...

Poor mormon hipsters...

Dear Idaho

Dear Idaho -

Yes, you're a dentist.  Yes, you went through endless years of schooling, to call yourself an 'educated' man.  You bestow your opinions on everyone else, always assuming you're right, and arguing your stance until the other side gives up.

Well, Doctor:  When you say "I thought a farrier was when, you know, you have more than one gay dude, and one is farrier than another..." and you're totally serious?  I just lost a little respect for you.

Also, asking if racism still exists is laughable.  No, black people should not just "get over it and let it go."  If it were that simple, the issue would have been dropped long ago, but it's not.  Sorry.  For an educated man, you're more or less an idiot.

Dear Idaho Teens and Twenty-Somethings -

Yes, I know you're trying to separate yourself from your peers.  Identity is key in the 21st century, and you have to make sure to stand out from the herd.

But come on, leave the fedora in the 40's through 60's.  It died out for a reason, just like wearing a suit to work has died out for the majority of the nation.

We are no longer a generation that 'suits up' every day, unless your name is Barney Stinson.  The fedora looks great with a tailored suit, but not with a popped-collar polo.  You're not Indiana Jones, you're not Don Draper.  You're a douchebag, and you're trying to hard.

Hats are accessories.  If you don't know how to properly accessorize, you're going to fail when you put one of these on.  And, although we're not laughing in your face, I promise we are giggling inside.

Dear Medical Professionals of Idaho -

When going through med school, you did a lot of disgusting things.  You learned to put your morals aside and follow the hippocratic oath.  The human body is your playground, and your job is to keep that body well.

But why is it, that when a woman comes in for an infected mammary gland due to breast feeding, you get all flustered?  Do you treat her?  No.  Silly Mormon, you tell her that you don't feel comfortable looking at her breasts, and tell her to come back when a female doctor is on staff, thus letting the infection worsen because you can't look at a booby.  You might be compelled to, you know, touch it...

I'm sorry, and I know this goes for a lot of people in a lot of areas, but some people in Idaho are just plain dumb.  It surprises me how many of those dummies have "Dr." in front of their name, and let their personal beliefs influence their practice (something they were taught against in school).

Happy Pioneer Day to All Mormons!

If you live in Utah, you are enjoying a 3-day weekend this weekend.  For the rest of the world, it will be Monday as usual.

Why?

Today is Pioneer Day.

July 24th is a Mormon Holiday (and a state holiday in Utah) celebrating the entry of Brigham Young and other Mormon pioneers entering the Salt Lake Valley on July 24th, 1847.

The pioneers migrated west because of persecution and general bulling in Illinois and other parts of the United States.  In oversimplifying terms, the Mormons were running away from bullies.

The celebrations did not last for long, however.  Apparently Brigham Young told one too many 'yo mama' jokes as he was leaving.  In 1857, the US Army caught up with the LDS emigrants, and the Utah War began.  President Lincoln eventually intervened, and Pioneer Day was celebrated once again.

Betcha didn't know that Lincoln wasn't only responsible for ending slavery.  He also abolished mormon beat-downs, and probably invented Lincoln Logs as well...

In Utah, Pioneer Day is celebrated with rodeos, parades, fireworks, and tons of congestion.  Many reports from Salt Lake City say traffic congestion (and fatalities) are highest during July 4th and during Pioneer Day.

Those crazy mormon drivers....

For the other 49 states and the rest of the world, it's simply July 24th.  If you feel like showing some props to your mormon bretheren, here are some fun ways to do it:

• Listen to Donny & Marie all day (I forget, which one's country, and which one's rock and roll?  Does it matter?)
• No coffee or booze.  Drink lots of lemonade or root beer, and use words like "golly" and "gosh darnit."
• Watch every mormon's favorite episode of South Park... and sing along!  (dum dum dum dum dum...)
• Learn some fun mormon facts

Or, you know, just do your normal stuff and don't bother.  That's what I'm doing today...

So if you're LDS, happy Pioneer Day.  Enjoy your festivities, and try not to party too hard.  At least you didn't die of dysentery on the Oregon Trail... that's one thing to celebrate.  I guess...

Politically Incorrect Teddy Bears Part II

As mentioned in Politically Incorrect Teddy Bears (part one) you can now buy a mormon missionary costume for your Build A Bear.  These costumes are available only in the Salt Lake City market, but guess what???  I go to SLC for work now.

Which means....

Yes, I went to the Salt Lake Build-a-Bear, and purchased a small handful of these outfits.   Why?

Because I want to do a giveaway.

If mormons make you snicker, feel free to enter the giveaway.  I will ship you the outfit, and you can dress up your little bear as a missionary, going door to door, spreading the message from the book of mormon.  Or you can make it a mormon voodoo doll.  Whatever floats your boat.

Rules:

Follow me on twitter and facebook.
Comment below, saying what you would do with this costume.
Tweet about the giveaway, linking to this site and using the hashtag #mormonbear

Up to 4 ways to get into the contest!  Good luck!  Entries must be submitted by Saturday July 23rd, as the winner will be announced Sunday.

Know Your Neighbor: The LDS (mormons)

I seem to be doing one mormon post per month, and the last one (Mormons vs Dinosaurs) was pretty popular.  I'm hoping this post keeps the trend alive, since my current poll shows y'all like to hear about the mormons...

The 'know your neighbor' theme is something I will be using to educate the masses on what kind of people you could find living next to you, if you choose to move to Idaho.  The last installment (link) covered meth heads.  The second largest group in my town (druggies being first...) would be the mormons.

I have met a lot of people in this town who are LDS.  Some of them are pretty cool.  I mentioned once before a badass intern who used to be at my office (she reads my blog.  Hi E.)  There are also a group of 'Jack Mormons' who drink, swear, and are pretty laid back, but still drink the Joseph Smith-koolaid.

I have also mentioned in previous posts (link) mormons who do not like anyone outside their own kind.  They judge you, avoid you, and shun you at every opportunity.  The link I just posted shows a mormon interviewer who turned me down for a job because I wasn't the right religion.  THOSE are the kooks I can't stand.  When I bash mormons, it's the closed-minded cultish brain-washed idiots I'm referring to.

When in Eastern Idaho, one thing to keep an eye out for are tin stars.  For some reason, these are extremely popular with the LDS crew, and adorn many-a-houses.  You can actually take a walk through a residential neighborhood and spot these metal monstrosities on one out of every three or four houses.  I'm willing to wager most of those are mormon residences.

My girlfriend is a scrapbooker.  She shops at all the major craft stores in town, and often times I accompany her (I'm masochistic, I know...).  There are 2 chain stores in town, and one local independent business.  Porter's Crafts usually has all the good stuff, but they are so damn LDS it isn't even funny.  I make sure to be as crass as possible when I go there.  I talk to my girl about beer, sex, and anything R rated I can come up with.  The sneers I get, not only from customers but employees, is hilarious.

And, of course, they're the tin-star hub of the town.  They have dozens of different sizes, colors, etc.  They even sell accessories for them!  If you want to have a seasonal star, you can decorate it with flower decals in the spring, stars-n-stripes for the 4th, and cornucopia images for Thanksgiving...

Oh, those crafty mormons...

If you actually venture into an LDS house, you will see two very distinct themes:  A lot of 'family-centric' wall decor and artwork, and the infamous 'live laugh love' saying, ad nauseum.  I don't know what it is about the LLL slogan.  I think it may be mormon code for 'shun the non-believers' or 'big brother is watching.'  Either way, it's overdone.

There are so many variations of the LLL slogan.  The picture to the left has more of a biblical description.  The most popular one is "Live life, laugh often, love much."  I'd like to propose this one:

Live like noone is looking and judging.

Laugh so hard you snort milk up your nose.

Love is good, but lust burns more calories.

Does that make me a bad person??

Lastly, you can tell an LDS household from most others by the size of their family.  Do they have 6 children, and the parents are only in their late 20's?  Odds are they are either mormon or catholic.

You can look for minivans in the parking lot, or one of the larger vans or small buses, a-la Jon and Kate or the Partridge Family.  A rule of thumb:  If the kids are energetic and mom & dad are yelling at them, they're probably catholic.  If the kids are walking in single file, carrying musical instruments, or just have an overall 'glazed-eye' look, you can put your money on LDS.

If you have such neighbors, proceed with caution.  But, then again, if you're on the same street as this family, they have already visited you, brought housewarming gifts, chatted your ears off, and tried to talk to you about The Book of Mormon.  They're persistent lil scamps.

This has been a public service announcement by My Own Private Idaho.  Any observations and opinions can be concluded as 100% fact.  With a pepper-spray in one hand and a cocktail in the other, you too can help repel pushy mormon neighbors.  Thank you, drive thru.

Politically Incorrect Teddy Bears!

Today's post is brought to you by BUILD A BEAR!  YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!

Yes, build a bear.  Where you can take your child/loved one, and spend $100 on a stuffed teddy bear that can be dressed as:

• A Fireman
• A Nurse
• An Astronaut
• A Mormon Missionary
• A --

Wait... WHAT?

Yes, you heard right.

Exclusively at the Salt Lake City build-a-bear, you can get a Mormon Missionary outfit for your stuffed animal.  This includes the signature white shirt and tie, some STUNNING shorts, a name badge, and the Book of Mormon.

No, folks, this is not a joke.

Officially licensed Build-a-Bear merchandise, folks.

Sadly, this is not on the b-a-b website, and it's hard to find on eBay.  Why only SLC?  Well, people were requesting it, and SLC is the Mormon hub of the world.  So there we go.

I wonder if you can make a Build-a-Pope-Bear in Vatican City?

Or maybe Build-a-Buddha-Bear in Asia?

I'm not sure.  If you know of any other religious teddies, please post below (Looking for Jerusalem Jew-Bears with a yarmulke and the Torah...)

As you've probably gathered from previous blog posts, I'm not LDS.  But I WANT ONE OF THESE!  Why?  I mean, c'mon.  A Mormon missionary teddy bear in the middle of Mormonville?  This is priceless.

Elder-Bear wants to talk to you about Joseph Smith!

BYU and the Mormon Mastercard

**MAKE SURE TO READ THE COMMENTS AT THE BOTTOM!!  This conversation is an interesting one...**

I have been to the Idaho campus of BYU twice now, thanks to my new job.

The first time was for a guest lecture my boss was doing at one of the Social Worker classes.  This last time was for an intern fair, looking for the next crop of students looking for work experience (and us looking for some cheap labor).

Both times were so eye-opening, a blog had to be done.

And it has taken me a while to craft it into the shape I want it.  Is it epic?  Probably not.  But I like it.

Visit one, I was generally impressed.  All the students were well-dressed, orderly, and a lot of them were in study groups.  Nothing like when I went to college, where there was eye-candy galore, and studying was reserved for midterm and finals weeks only. 

Study hard, people.

It was only when I entered the classroom that the religious vibe kicked in.

Class started as normal, with one girl standing up to read a poem she had crafted about child abuse.  It was very moving, and the classroom (including myself) clapped.

Then all of a sudden… silence.

Heads were bowed.

The poem reader began saying a prayer.

…wha-what?

Keep in mind I went to public schools all my life.  I have never seen prayer in a classroom setting.  Minds were blown.

She prayed for my boss and I, and the hopes that we lead an upright life worthy of His blessing…

For the love of Me...
You really don't need to pray every 5 minutes...

…hokay…

The rest of the visit went like a normal college classroom, but that instance stuck in my head.  Weeks later, on my second trip to BYU, I wondered if I would experience the same thing.

Yes.  And moreso.

First off, before the intern fair, was a luncheon for the visiting agencies.  Kind of a mixer setting, sans-alcohol.  And coffee.  And any type of caffeine.  Before we ate, a prayer was said to bless the food and the staff/guests.  Drinks were lemonade and water.  Not even tea.  I guess, Mormon or not, if you’re at BYU your options are limited.

I wish I would have thought of this beforehand.  I would have stopped by a Starbucks and got a GIGANTIC latte, just for shock value.  Would I have been told to throw it away?  Or asked to leave?  If there is a visit #3, I’ll try this test and let you know.

After the luncheon, there was a training seminar on how to be better instructors/mentors for interns.  Another prayer was said, blessing the lecture, the staff and the guests (again). 

“Wow” I thought.  “Twice in less than an hour.  I feel super-blessed.”

After the lecture concluded, we prepped our tables for the fair to begin.  Students began to enter, but nobody was coming to the tables.  They were all congregating in the center area, looking at the lectern.

Why?  Well duh, we haven’t prayed yet.

Aww crap.  You guys AGAIN?

Everyone in the room was properly blessed, so we could finally begin the fair.  Things went nicely, and I found a few rockstars in the group that would work well for my company.  A few of them were the “high and mighty” types, but they really didn’t have a lot of good qualities to begin with.  Their smugness just helped seal their own grave faster.

I collected resumes, and kind of chuckled as to what these kids thought should go on a resume.   Almost all listed their mission as past experience.  A lot of them listed their availability status (single/engaged/married), which I will go into in a bit.  Some were well put-together, but most of them looked, well, like students have done them.

Times when I wandered were interesting:

-         -  I went to use the restroom at one point, and a group of 5 guys were in a group, telling dirty jokes about blacks and gays.  Since everyone at BYU (that I saw, at least) was white, and you can’t be gay & mormon, I guess it’s ok to tell these kinds of jokes?  Pfff…

-        - They didn’t have any refreshments for us during the fair, so I went to look for a soda machine for my partner and I.  When I finally found one, there was no soda to choose from.  Water, juice, milk, and other caffeine free drinks were available.  That’s it.  I was fine with water, but couldn’t buy it anyway.  The machine only took the dreaded “Mormon Mastercard”, the student cards that some universities use.  When I went to Cal State, they had the card as an option, but you could still use cash or any major credit card.  Not here.  Not Visa, not American Express.

Gas to get to BYU: $8.64

Breakfast on the go: $5.35

Gum to Prevent Death-Breath: $1.26

Being prayed for and overly scrutinized for 4 hours: Priceless

There are some things normal money can buy.  

If you’re at BYU, there’s Mormon Mastercard…

By the end of the trip, most of the faculty knew I wasn’t “a brother.”  Some of them were cool with it, including the professor I met a few weeks before.  Others gave smug looks, like I didn’t belong there.  Next time… coffee.  Maybe a fake piercing or two?  A Mike Tyson tattoo on my face?  We’ll see…

Speaking to my friends about the trip, the students, resumes, etc., they pointed out that BYU is well-known for girls going there simply to find a man.  That said, I would say about 90% of the girls I saw had rings on their left finger, either engagement or wedding-type.   During on-site interviews after the fair, I noticed it even more.  All the girls talked about their fiancée or husband during the interview, what he is going to school for, etc.

So my question to these girls would be this:  Why are you paying for a degree, when your ultimate goal is to get married, become a housewife, and have a boatload of babies?  Are you ever going to use that degree?  Or is it just viewed as a necessity when finding an ideal mate?

Suffice it to say, my views of the BYU campus, not only with my personal experiences but recent headlines in the news, is pretty amusing.  I worry about these students (amplified because of the naive little BYU intern currently in my office) when they get out into the real world and see that everyone isn’t like them.  Or worse, if they move to Vegas, Manhattan, San Diego or other majorly non-mormon spots in this country, where they’re not the majority anymore.  Are they being prepared for this? 

We better say a prayer, just in case…

*sigh*
Really?  Dude...

Edit:  This HAD to be shared at Dude Write...

Discrimination!

So as many of you may know, I just started working at a new job, where batman is the king of credit sales.

I'm still looking for bigger and better, but for now, meh, it's a job.

I had an interview Tuesday that I was really psyched about.  Good job description, good pay, and it fits my experiences a little more.

I showed up to the interview, filled out the necessary 'check in' paperwork, and waited.  Met my interviewer, obligatory handshake, and we went to his office to begin.

15 minutes into the interview, everything was going great.  He was asking questions that I had great answers to, and I was getting a good vibe for this.  The chemistry was awesome.

Until...

"I see you're from California!  How cool, I did my mission there!  It's really gorgeous down there.  Where did you do your mission?"

"Excuse me?"

"...your mission?"

"Oh, sorry.  I'm not LDS..."

*INSERT MOOD-INTERRUPTING RECORD-SCRATCH HERE*

He became silent for a second.  The smile slowly wiped from his face...

"Oh.  I'm sorry.  I just assumed...I..."

And then the interview got back on track, but with a MUCH different tone.  All of a sudden I wasn't getting that good vibe anymore.

After 2-3 softball questions, he stood up to shake my hand.

"Well, I'm not sure if you're the perfect fit for this company, but we will keep your resume on file, and let you know if things end up working out, mmmk?"

Wait....WHAT?

So I was discriminated against, because I'm not mormon.  Ouch.

The LDS are everywhere up here, and non-mormons always try the 'peaceful coexistence' approach to cohabitating, but whoa that stung.  I've sold cars before, and was discriminated against by customers because of my "religious preferences" but those are customers.

I didn't get a job.  Because my religious choices didn't match his.

I'm still stunned.  But I have another interview this morning.  Just in case this happens again, I will be recording the conversation.  ACLU anyone?