Muslim Women Banned from Eating Bananas, Carrots, and Other Phallic Food

Bananas.  The phallic fruit.  Used in sex ed classes, and loved by men everywhere when a woman peels one and shoves it in her mouth.

And now, according to news stories hitting the web, banned in Islam.

According to news reports coming from the middle east, an unnamed Islamic cleric is now discouraging women from eating bananas, cucumbers, carrots, and other fruit shaped in a penis-like way.

The reasoning?  This may tempt Muslim women to become sexually active, or put sexual thoughts into their head.

If your Muslim woman loves carrots and bananas, there is still a way for them to enjoy these nutritional (and tasty) foods:

A man (husband, brother, father) is to retire to a place where the woman cannot see, and cut the food into pieces that do not resemble the original phallic shape.

In other words, if it's shaped like a pee-pee, it's not allowed.

Someone sarcastically asked the cleric how they would control their women in the marketplace, where bananas and other 'forbidden' foods are in abundance.  His response?  "That is between them and their Lord."

Since I live in the land of Modesty (thanks to the LDS majority in town), this news report made me smirk.  I can see the mormon church adopting this stance, just because you wouldn't want to taint or corrupt the minds of young women everywhere...

I mean, skinny jeans are banned.... why not carrots and corn dogs?  You'll never see a Starbucks within two miles of a BYU Campus... but come to think of it, you don't see any Weinerschnitzel's either...

What is your opinion on this law?

Is it silly, or can you see the intent behind this decree?

I know a handful of women who have used cucumbers or other foods as sexual objects, when they were young and couldn't buy toys.

Is this the fault of the person or the food?

How long before we see mockers and crazy people taking bananas and carrots to Mosques, and trying to hand them out to Muslim women?

How long before some porn company makes the Ultimate Taboo flick:  A Muslim woman in a Burka, eating a corn dog, surrounded by bananas?

And how long did you stare at that cucumber??

Party in My Pants: Mothra Edition

Friday's work schedule included 926 miles over the course of 15 hours, just because I thought I was hot shit.  See an account in Northern Utah, see a chain in central Utah, then hop over to central Nevada to see my farthest (and probably biggest) single account.

All in a day's work...

I'm about to pull into my first store, and I noticed the khakis I were wearing had a few stains on them.  I don't know what happened or when, but I couldn't visit client's with a "look at me" spot...

I headed to Kohl's, bought a nice pair of slacks (woot for Labor Day sales) and headed out the door.  I found a Taco Bell to change in, and swapped pants.  FINALLY I could start my day.

I get into my car, and start heading back to my first account.... when I feel something funny... in my pants....

WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.........

My inner thigh is buzzing...

WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.........

"HOLY SHIT!" I think... "Is this a spider?  Bee?  Moth?"  I start to freak.  And oh yeah, I'm driving...

I grab my crotch area where the buzzing is, and kill whatever was inside.  I hold on to dear life, just in case there is a stinger or poisonous fangs, and find a place to park.  In a panic, I jump out of the car, strip out of my pants (10am in a North Salt Lake parking lot, people) and see this:

Not only was a moth living in these slacks, it was HUGE.  I just lived through a rendition of "Mothra vs Godzilla" where the role of Godzilla was played by my penis.

And that's probably the only time you'll hear the words "godzilla" and "my penis" in the same sentence...

Fun times... and that was only the START of my day!  What a way to start...

What does The Simple Dude and my penis have in common?

...they'll get you more blog followers.

First, I want to tell you about The Simple Dude and his new e-book.  It's called

Grow Your Blog:

Proven Ways To Add Followers Every Single Day

and it works.  You can read more about the book here, or simply buy the e-book on Amazon or Smashwords.  At the low price of $1.99, it is well worth the price and so much more.

Reading the book, SD gives tips on blog layouts, marketing, and general awesomeness.  The humor infused into the book makes it a pleasurable read, and I can practically guarantee you'll find at least one blogging improvement you can use, if not dozens.

I have been blogging since January.  I may have 640-something followers right now, but I'm still learning.  His book has given me a lot of great ideas (pimping, for example) that I will use to improve my overall reach.  

Blog pimpin ain't easy (a line from his book...) but it pays off.  In this age of 'follow me and I'll follow you back' Social Media, you really need to show your appreciation for other bloggers if you want them to show an appreciation for you.  Think of it as scratching someone's back, and then it's your turn to scratch yours.

Plus, as a bonus, you can wear a crushed-velvet suit and a badass hat.  If that isn't a reason to pimp, I don't know what is.

(...wait... you don't get to dress up?  Can I do it anyway?)

Reading this book will take you 20 minutes.  Then re-reading the book and writing down your 'ways to improve my blog' list will take another 20.  Putting the ideas into practice?  Priceless.  After all new followers are forever...

Oh, and just in case, if you're not following The Simple Dude's blog, go there and follow.

So... how does this have anything to do with my penis??

I was on twitter Wednesday night, and somehow "The Helicopter" was brought up in conversation with @VickiLikesFrogs.  (It's twitter... don't ask, just go with it.)  Jillsmo asked for a drawing of me doing the helicopter, and this is what spawned...

This picture resulted in a number of re-tweets and hilarity, and I ended up getting a new blog follower!  Yay!

But it wasn't done.  The avalanche had started, and new followers were flooding in...

Maybe I should do stupid penis tricks more often?  Give the people what they want, after all...

In short, go buy The Simple Dude's book, download it, love it.  That, added with a few anatomical acrobatics, will help grow your blog.

Now, Back to our Regularly Scheduled Programming

Ok bitches, enough drama for the week.  Back to the game.

I've done a lot of bashing lately, and I think it's time to tell you at least ONE good thing that Idaho has that you don't find in California.

French Fry Sauce.

Yes, it looks disgusting.  It's pinkish, runny, and essentially mayo and ketchup (catsup?  ketchup?  catsup? ...Bueller??) combined, but it is so much more.

If someone offers to make you Frysauce by combining ketchup and mayo, kick him in the nuts.  Or, if it's a girl, kick her in the taco.  FRYSAUCE IS MUCH MUCH MORE!  At least the good stuff is.

If you take all the ingredients used to make ketchup, all the ingredients for mayo, add some spices, and work a little magic, you get an orgasmic condiment that is good on everything.  It's like Thousand Island dressing on a hamburger, without all those nasty pickle nubbins in it.

There are some brands of fry sauce you can buy at the grocery store...

...but honestly they suck donkey balls.   To get the GOOD stuff you need to hit up a fast food joint.  I'm talking Sonic (yeah, that Sonic), Arctic Circle, or one of the smaller-chain places or independent burger joints.

BY FAR the best place to go for frysauce is....

The Iceberg.  Why?

1 - Their frysauce is the best.  I think they put a little tobasco in it, to give it a kick.

2 - Their burgers are fan-fucking-tastic.  And as you can see in the picture, their onion rings are massive.  They give me more 'size-issues' than watching porn, especially when I try to put one of them in my mouth...  OMG it's so big!!  And salty!

3 - Look at those fucking milkshakes.  LOOK AT THEM.  Kelis ain't got nothing on that...  Their milkshake menu is MASSIVE.   Ever have a black licorice milkshake?  Pumpkin pie?  Grasshopper (the cookie, not the insect)?

I like frysauce at home, but like I said, the best sauce is from the fast food places.  So what's a guy to do?  Collect the condiment packets.  I hit the drive thru, ask for a bunch.  If I get 6, I use 2 or 3 and save the rest.

It's like my crack.  Best of all, I get to keep my teeth!!

So there you go.  Short post today, but I think it's a sweet one.  Happy Friday!

Oh yeah, today's the last day for the photo fun.  Email me with your submissions!  lostinidaho@ymail.com