Ads 468x60px

Subscribe:

7/5/12

The Evolution of Jerking It (Science is AWESOME!)

This is what you look like when you're watching
internet porn....
I was thirteen when I discovered self-pleasure (a bit late to the ballgame, I know...) and the rest is history.

Back then, it was one of dad's Playboy magazines (helloooo Jenny McCarthy!) and good ol' lefty.

The 4th or 5th time, I rubbed myself raw.  I didn't learn the benefits of lube until I was sixteen (and paid the price on more than one occasion).

Looking back at then versus now, my 'technique' has definitely evolved.  There are definitely a million and six different ways to 'fap.'

A dry-rub, with lubrication, lefty, righty, 'the stranger' and toys galore.

Well, now there are a million and seven...  Introducing, for you iPad users, the newest way to jerk it to internet porn:



The Fleshlight attachment, also known as the FleshliPad.

Your eyes do not deceive you, my brother!  The attachment snaps onto your iPad and has its own pocket-pussy, so you can find your favorite POV porn and imagine yourself boofing a nine-inch munchkin!

The only warning I can give guys is not to try and use this 'hands-free.'  If you put too much weight on the screen you're going to break the glass.  iPads, like their iPhone cousins, have screens that break when you look at them the wrong way.

Oh, and if you like giving 'facials' to your victims, DO NOT let your kids play Angry Birds on this device!  I don't care how many times you've wiped it off, that's just plain wrong.

For those of you that have Android tablets, I am sure there is an Android version out there somewhere (if not, there will be soon).  As technology improves, the evolution of sex (whether solo or with a friend) will always find ways to advance and evolve...

After all, science is awesome!


Please Share it! :)

27 witty retorts:

Becky said...

An invention in the name of masturbation. That is just epic.
What I want to know is if a guy would worry about breaking his ipad in the middle, of, well, not worrying about being gentle with his ipad. Another thing - how do you look at your ipad when you're out and about and not using the fleshlight attachment and not think of that? I don't think I could get that image out of my head.

Just Keepin It Real, Folks! said...

WOW, slappin' your salami to an iPad. Who knew??? That gives a whole new meaning to weird science.

Haven said...

Do it for science, with science.

squatlo said...

God, I'm glad these weren't around when I was fifteen, I would have gummed up the internet.

Kianwi said...

Huh. Really? That just seems so impractical, and not very sexy at all. But I guess anyone with enough imagination to think that their tingly hand is someone else's, might be able to get a whole lot out of this contraption!

Thank, Q said...

B, I don't even know what to say about that. I just showed The Mrs. and she's all O_o. I don't think I ever imagined something like that when I was a kid. Where was technology in the 80's? Imagine hooking something like that up to a Tandy 100 EX computer. You'd probably still have the burn marks.

NellieVaughn said...

I don't even know what to write. I am as repulsed and I am intrigued. Why don't they have something like this for women?

Amy said...

Wow. That is so sad. But if you had a Apple fetish it could be the greatest thing since Steve "blow" Jobs.

Zombie said...

FOR SCIENCE!

Anonymous said...

How do you continue to watch if the screen is all jumping up down while you pound it? I'm not a guy so I don't know but I think it would make me dizzy!

Mandy_Fish said...

These comments are hilarious!

Kevin said...

Wow...just wow...

Hey Monkey Butt said...

Good gawd, what will they come up with next. wait!! Don't tell me, I don't want to know!!

Wily Guy said...

I'm not sure the world needed this...

Is there a woman's edition coming out with a clothes dryer attached?

WG

Michael G DAgostino said...

This scares me. If we wait long enough we're eventually going to create machines that will negate the need to do anything for ourselves. Ever. We'll be more machine and genetic engineering than man and we'll be sustained by tubes which are giving us the essential vitamins and minerals that keep us alive. No one will have jobs because they've all been taken over by machines and no one will reproduce because by then we'll have perfected the simulation of a sexual experience with Terminator-like sexbots. And you know what? I think that was Steve Jobs' plan all along.

squatlo said...

A long time ago I pondered the evolution of cyber sex and imagined a world in which people would climb into wetsuit-like garb infused with air pressure controlled external pads over the entire body of the suit. Instead of "virtual" sex or phone sex, they could interact with others via the internet, with each partner's "sex suit" responding exactly to the motions and touches of the other person.
Coordinate that with hologram visuals and you've got yourself a recipe for the extinction of mankind. Why bother with a real relationship (with all of those drawbacks a significant other can bring to your life...) when you can just plug into your favorite networking site, pick a partner for a roll in the cyber-hay, and get off in the privacy of your own cave?
Coming to a chat room near you any day now...

jason said...

wait, do ipads have an easy to clean screen?

Workingdan said...

That is a disgustingly clever idea! Brilliant....but creepy!

Daniel Nest said...

Hahhaaaa if only they'd put that much creativity and diligence into finding the cure for cancer! Also, where do they sell these? I'm asking for a friend and stuff...

jp said...

Disgusting! I have never touched myself in an innappropriate manner and I never will again.

Brandon Lostinidaho said...

Your loss, jp. I personally try to touch myself in an inappropriate manner at least 3 times a week!

Joe said...

Think about the possibilities, especially once the women's version hits the streets. Imagine a deployed soldier, his young wife at home alone, each of with their own Fleshlights, customized to exactly match their mate’s genitals. It could be part of every warrior’s basic kit. Hell, we should give them to the enemy, too. It would certainly cut down on casualties on both sides. I bet Steve Jobs never thought of that when he put a front camera and Facetime on the iPad.

Every couple should own a matched set. They could have iSex whenever work or circumstances caused them the be away from one another. Marriage fatigue and boredom would be a thing of the past. Tired or your wife? Just replace the latex insert with a tighter, younger model. Women, is hubby only able to satisfy 20 of your shades of grey? Then just upgrade to a longer, heftier attachment. And who can tell if you are looking at you mate or watching Wild Girls 13 or Magic Mike? The possibilities are endless. The next iPad release is sure to have a vibrator. I can see an entire licensed line of celebrity Fleshy inserts. I’m going to buy latex mold and start signing up talent right now.

The Six-Fingered Monkey said...

I love science and technology SO MUCH!

I've given my screen a facial so many fucking times, there is a permanent cloud.

Yeah, I went there.

Joe said...

BTW, I submitted a link for this post to Reddit. Let me know if you see an up tick in traffic from it.

June O'Hara said...

Good gravy, masturbation technology? I can barely figure out Twitter!

Blondie McBaffled said...

I think the next fleshly pad should be a set of lips doing a soft sucking motion with a protruding tongue which vibrates while making a circular pattern. I'd so be buying them for all my girlfriends!

Blondie McBaffled said...

Grats on your Dude Write Win!

Post a Comment

Comments are always appreciated. Sometimes they end up being better than the initial post! Come join in on the fun... (and remember, you can post anonymously)

And if you like the post, feel free to share! Stumble, Digg, Tweet, go bananas!