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Stand Up Comics and My Ex Wife (starring @JohnHeffron!)

I love comedy, and Stand-Up in particular.  Seeing a comic in front of an audience, doing their act and dealing with (sometimes uncontrollable) audiences is always a great experience, and I have a LOT of respect for what they do.

I like going to comedy clubs as often as I can.  Hard to do in buttfuck Idaho, but I used to live 5 minutes away from the Ontario Improv in California.

This is a story of the first (and last) time I took my ex wife to a comedy show.

It was 2005, and Last Comic Standing was still around (and relevant).  One of my coworkers had a massive crush on John Heffron, and I was looking for a date night idea for the wife.  Lo and behold, he was playing at the Improv!  Date Night + Jealous Coworker = Fun for me.  (Sorry, Belinda)

I like John Heffron.  He's extremely funny, and won Season 2 of LCS for a very good reason.  I didn't want to aggressively molest him like my coworker did, but I'd at least go and laugh and clap.

Wifey loves the idea, so we go.  We get dinner first and I load her up with alcohol, because she's a fun drunk (plus it's easier to have fun at a comedy club when you're tipsy).  We get 'front of the line' seating and are next to the stage.

The opening acts come and go, and John comes to the stage.  His act is like a snowball: he starts slow, and builds and builds until it's just rolling along.  About 2/3 into the show, he starts to interact with the audience.

He targets us.  My wife, ever the alpha, does the talking for us.

John:  "So you two married?"

Ex:  "Yes, going on 4 years."

John:  "How many kids do you have?"

Ex, with a straight face:  "We can't have kids."

His reaction?

She fucking stunned him silent.

For a good four seconds.

If you have ever been on a stage, four seconds is FOREVER.

The audience was silent.

Eventually he segue'd out of it and kept going, but the rest of the night just kind of felt a little weird after that.

She liked to "TMI" a lot from time to time, but this took the cake.  Why not just say 'no kids' and leave it at that?

You are at a comedy club.  It's happy joke time, not time to discuss our conception issues in front of 150 strangers.

I felt sorry for John.  A heckling "fuck you" or a "you're not funny" is hard enough to handle, but a "oh, we can't have kids, thanks for rubbing salt in THAT fucking wound, dude" is like a kick to the nuts.

It was still a great show, but I never suggested 'let's go to the Improv' ever again with her.

...but the funny part of it all?

A few months later, my oldest son was born.  We traced back the night of conception, and it happened to be that night, the night of the show.  Because of that (and a few other reasons), my oldest son is named John.

So thanks, I guess, to John Heffron.  Maybe her ovaries just needed some public embarrassment to kick them into baby-mode?

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8 witty retorts:

Melanie said...

Sweet...John is a hometown boy. I actually met him years ago when he was doing Detroit radio with Danny Bonaduce. We both hung out at a bar a childhood friend of mine owned. He was (and I'm sure still is) a really nice guy. Your ex sounds like a bitch, but I am guessing you know that already...

Kid-FreeLiving said...

So clearly you weren't THAT offended that she TMI'd...

abeerfortheshower said...

I'd like to think I have a pretty quick mind, and I don't know what I'd say to that either. At least she didn't heckle him. I thought that's what the story was setting up for - she tried to drunkenly heckle him and it embarrassed you in front of your favorite comic, which would be pretty awful.

Brandon from said...

I has about 6 seconds of "what the hell did you just say?" embarrassment, but then it was just too funny to be upset. Remember, we were still in love back then, so OF COURSE I thought it was adorable!

Brandon from said...

As he gets older, it'll be a fun story to share with him. A wedding speech perhaps? "Son, this is why your mom and I booked a comic to come perform at your wedding. Now DEAL WITH IT."

Brandon from said...

Her TMI sessions made for some interesting stories. None as funny as these, but I still look back and chuckle from time to time. :)

Mynx said...

Truly a grea story and one you can certainly bring out when your son starts bringing home the girls

Nellie Vaughn said...

I loved this story. Because I don't want to have children, next time I find myself at a comedy show, I'll make sure to mention how I CAN have kids. Ahhh

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