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Lost in a Halloween Corn Maze

I recently popped my 'corn maze' cherry, which is a regular Idaho thing to do apparently.

I made it 3 years before I gave in, and the only reason I did is because:

1 - My wife begged, and

2 - We had friends to come with us.

We did the 'married couple double date' thing, and arrived at the corn maze shortly after dusk.  There were 3 paths to choose from, and we basically picked the first entrance we found.

Into the corn we went...

...and we got lost...


We started cracking corny puns, and eventually started talking about corn porn.

Similar to this
When the corn jokes started getting groans, we decided to find an exit.  We were getting restless, more than one of us had to pee, and we were getting tired of hearing the teenage kids play "Marco Polo" in the corn.

So we cheated.

We cut through the 'don't cut through here' paths, in the direction toward the exit (or so we thought).  We swathed our own path, and ended up in a completely different maze.

Stuck again.  Lost again.

The lighter started to look tempting.

BUT WAIT, WE HAVE GPS!!  So we cheated again, and after 2 hours we found an edge.  Walked down the street.  Found our cars...

And went to a bar.


This is why I can't have nice things.

 In the 21st century, eating at the dinner table is becoming a rare thing to see.  It's just my wife and I at home, and the dinner table is often used as a work-space or just a general storage shelf thing.

Lately, we've been trying to be a little more 'adult.'  We decided to eat at the dinner table tonight, since we did a lot of cleaning over the weekend and the table (and dining room) was clear.

We sat at the table, eating spaghetti (her homemade sauce is AMAZING) and discussing how we were 'responsible grown-ups.'

Her:  "You know, next we're going to be using napkins..."

Me:  "Paper or cloth?  And do we get those fancy napkin rings as well?"

Her:  "Cloth of course.  We're refined adults after all..."

We laughed, ate a little bit, and then I broke the silence...

Me:  "...maybe we should say Grace next time?"  This made her laugh because we're not exactly religious.  Instead of 'God' we sometimes substitute the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

You know, just for laughs.  He doesn't mind if you take his noodly name in vain, and a lot of non-theists (atheists, agnostics or just 'meh'-nonites in general) get a chuckle out of it.

So we start talking about how giving thanks to a deity made of spaghetti WHILE EATING SPAGHETTI was probably a little inappropriate.

(insert a few more moments of silence)

Me:  "Well, it's no more odd than the Body of Christ, right?  And much tastier than a wafer..."

AND THIS IS WHY I CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.  (and why I'm cleaning spaghetti-laughter-spit from the floor)


Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Band Nerd's Life for Me

If you're a long follower of this blog, you know I was a former Marching Band nerd from yesteryear.  A lot of my old High School classmates are now band directors, so I get to live semi-vicariously through them.

And through my wife's half-brother, who plays snare at his High School band.

This last Saturday was the Mountain West Marching Band Invitational at ISU.  I have never been to Idaho State's campus, and I haven't seen a good band competition in ages (other than DCI online and in theaters) so we tagged along.

Bro's band was in the AA division.  Meaning they're not the worst, but they're not the best either.  We arrived in time to see one band perform before they did.

The Flute section made up about 1/3 of the musicians on the field, and I could see this was going to be a loooong show.

Not only did I want to watch Bro's band perform, but I wanted to stick around for the Open Class (top-tier) bands as well as ISU's exhibition performance.

College bands are usually hot shit, and I wanted to see what this region had to offer.

The flute corps did their thing, and then Bro's band came on.  It's a small group, in a small town, so they looked thin on the field.

Most band directors in High School either focus on marching season or concert season (the good ones can balance both) and their director is definitely a 'concert' type.  Very artsy show, and you couldn't follow along with the music - even if you were a fellow musician.

But they did well.  I saw a 'parents performance' earlier in the season and they were much better than they were a few short months ago.

They were the last in their division to perform.  Next were the AAA bands.

And WOW, you could definitely tell the difference between a AA band and a AAA band.

The AAA and Open Class bands had more recognizable music.

And more visuals.  Their band directors definitely watched a few DCI shows in their day...

Dancing, singing, choreography... now we're talking.

The last two (and top two) bands of the day played a mix of Soul music, and a tribute to The Beatles.  Both had the audience roaring, and both did rather well.

And then ISU came on.

Small group, all bravado.  They came on to the field, high-stepping and screaming.  When they began to play, they played "manly hairy-balls" versions of Carmina Burana, Pictures at an Exhibition, 1812 Overture and William Tell.  Fan favorites, in a sense.  They blasted through the popular parts of each, blasted through their fight song, and then jammed off the field.

It was definitely a 'rode hard and put away wet' performance.  I felt dirty afterwards, yet somehow satisfied...

After seeing the Idaho shows (and Bozeman, I can't forget about them) I learned a few things:

- Just because some college bands march all piccolos doesn't mean you can get away with that shit in High School.  Middleton HS needs to learn the 'how do you tune 2 piccolo players? Shoot one of them' jokes before next season.

- Speaking of college bands, the ISU trumpet section could use some shooting tuning as well.  My. GOD.

- Either I'm old, or these bands weren't nearly as good as the bands from Southern California I competed against.  They would have all been flattened by bands that couldn't even hold a candle to my old corps...

- And lastly, you can tell what schools were in heavily Mormon areas and which weren't.  The LDS themes were emotions and dimensions and retrospectives, while the more mixed schools played entertaining pieces.

It was still fun though.  Are there any other band nerds out there, past or present?  I'd love to hear some of your stories...


Why I'm OK with Fat-Shaming

Have you seen this video, or the image they're talking about?

A trainer posted a picture with the headline "what's your excuse" a year ago, and now people are getting butthurt about it.  Calling her a bully.  Accusing her of fat-shaming.

You know what?  I'm ok with it.

I'm overweight.  And I can fix it, but here we are.  I work anywhere between 6 and 16 hours a day, and could easily use the excuse "I don't have time" but you know what?  I do.

I screw around on Facebook - I have my personal account, my blog's page, and I do content creation for a friend's page as well.

My wife and I like to play online games together.  We spend maybe 4-5 hours a week playing MMOs.

I take my dog to the dog park, and sit around and chat with other dog owners for an hour at a time.  That could be jogging/biking with my dog, or I could chase her around.  Instead, we sit and gab.

And, of course, my life on the road as a salesman.  I don't have to hit the drive-thru as often as I do, but it's quick and convenient for me.  If I slowed down and made better options, I wouldn't be in the predicament I am.

So what's the problem?  She's a mother of 3 and has her children in the picture, so it must be targeting lazy moms, right?  I dunno, I see that as a crutch.

My wife and I are considering having a baby.  Her first, my third.  If she needs mommy time to work out, take a walk, etc, I'm going to give it to her.

I know how to cook.  If she's tired, I'll make dinner.  We don't have to rely on a fast-food crutch.

My favorite part of the video above?  Everyone starts making excuses about this lady's 'advantages' except for Matt Lauer.  I can point out the gender lines that coincide with the argument, but I think that would be painting with some broad brush-strokes.

I'm fat.  I like her message.  It made me think for a second, and reflect on my decisions.  In that aspect, it worked.  Am I shamed?  Is she a bully?  No.

She's right.

What IS my excuse?

And, if you're overweight and in a position to remedy that, what is YOUR excuse?


How to speak Idahoan (in just a few easy steps!)

So you're coming to visit Idaho (you poor soul) and want to blend in with the natives.  You know how easy it is to spot a tourist, and have read my posts about how outsiders are often eaten alive.

Especially if you're from California.  CA plates on your car is like having a target on your back.

The first and most important step to blend in with us 'tater-heads' is to be able to speak like an Idahoan.

Throw out everything you know about the English language, phonics, and general common sense.  It's time to learn how to speak Idahoan.

First and foremost, Boise.  I still struggle with this.  It's 'boy-see' not 'boy-zee.'  But it's not even 'boy-see' like you would normally pronounce.

I was given a 10-minute speech therapy session by one of my Boise customers.  If you say 'boy see' you're doing it wrong.  It's 'boy' like Flavor Flav says it (Boiiiiiiyeeeeee) and then 'see.'

You see, Idahoans love to over-accentuate their vowels.  Heise is pronounced like the orange drink Hi-C, but with overemphasis on the I and the ending E.  And they somehow doing without elongating the word.

Here's another one.  How would you pronounce this Idahoan vacation destination?

Lava, as in 'lah-vah?'  Nope.  Laaaaaaaaa-va, rhyming with 'have a.'  Why?  I don't fucking know.  Because Idahoans struggle with vowel pronunciation?  Most soft As sound like their vocalized by Fran Drescher.  Long Es feel like EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEs.  Os are an odd cross between a Wisconsin 'owe-a' and an O with an umlaut over it.

If you call it soda, people will say pop.  If you call it pop, people will say soda.  Either way, you'll be looked at funny.  You can't win here, so just order by name.  (I'll have a Dr. Pepper please)

Lastly, ending any word with '-ing' is strictly prohibited.  Drop the g, to create walkin' doin' goin' and such.  Gs are a rare commodity in the Gem State and need to be saved for special occasions.

And good luck with Coeur D'Alene.  Locals pronounce it 'Core Duh-Lane' but get upset if you spell it phonetically.

Good luck with your travels!


MOPI (me) in a Nutshell

Since I am a judge on Blogger Idol this year, I am going to be getting a lot of new faces on this blog.

And for all of you who have been here for a few months and aren't generally impressed, I'm getting back into the game (slowly).  I'm still trying to find my groove after my dad's death, so please bear with me a little longer (and bare with me if you're hot).

I'll do my best to describe myself as briefly as possible.  With links.  If you want to dig deeper, clicky clicky.

I started this blog when I moved from California to Idaho.  With the move, I now experience 4 real seasons (snow! yay?), xenophobic mormons (who don't believe in dinosaurs) and rednecks galore.  The culture clash (combined with unemployment) lead to me starting this page.  It has evolved to a general humor blog, but I still make fun of Idaho as much as possible.

Things I blog about:

- Bikini bars and sex-starved Idahoans

- Mormons mormons mormons (search 'LDS' on this page and see how they're really closet sex-freaks)

- Taking ex-lax for the very first time

- I travel a lot for work.  When I get bored, this happens.  And this.

- I'm 900 miles from my kids.  I blog about them from time to time, but try to keep things mostly private for their sake.

- Funny laws in Idaho, and what happens when I try to break them.

- Oh, and I painted a picture with my penis once, and I may have masturbated my cat.  So there's that...

- And, of course, funny stories from work.

Feel free to dig around.  I also have a facebook page where I whore myself out

Like this, but without tits.  Cuz I'm a guy.  And I don't have moobs.

and keep the masses entertained.  If you like what you see, feel free to follow my shenanigans and let me entertain you.  Thanks for reading!