Party in My Pants: Mothra Edition

Friday's work schedule included 926 miles over the course of 15 hours, just because I thought I was hot shit.  See an account in Northern Utah, see a chain in central Utah, then hop over to central Nevada to see my farthest (and probably biggest) single account.

All in a day's work...

I'm about to pull into my first store, and I noticed the khakis I were wearing had a few stains on them.  I don't know what happened or when, but I couldn't visit client's with a "look at me" spot...

I headed to Kohl's, bought a nice pair of slacks (woot for Labor Day sales) and headed out the door.  I found a Taco Bell to change in, and swapped pants.  FINALLY I could start my day.

I get into my car, and start heading back to my first account.... when I feel something funny... in my pants....

WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.........

My inner thigh is buzzing...

WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.........

"HOLY SHIT!" I think... "Is this a spider?  Bee?  Moth?"  I start to freak.  And oh yeah, I'm driving...

I grab my crotch area where the buzzing is, and kill whatever was inside.  I hold on to dear life, just in case there is a stinger or poisonous fangs, and find a place to park.  In a panic, I jump out of the car, strip out of my pants (10am in a North Salt Lake parking lot, people) and see this:

Not only was a moth living in these slacks, it was HUGE.  I just lived through a rendition of "Mothra vs Godzilla" where the role of Godzilla was played by my penis.

And that's probably the only time you'll hear the words "godzilla" and "my penis" in the same sentence...

Fun times... and that was only the START of my day!  What a way to start...

My Own Private Montana

My job has me traveling the northwest throughout five states.  I have been labeled as a 'road warrior' and the title fits me well.  I drive between 500 and 1200 miles a week, and am quickly becoming a hotel-room aficionado.

I have touched every state in my territory except Nevada, and my favorite so far is Montana.  It's also a royal pain in the ass.

Why?  Montana is fucking huge.

Butte.  Billings.  Bozeman.  Helena.  Great Falls.  Missoula.  All major cities in my area, but all SO FAR AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!!  Cities are spread 100-200 miles apart it seems, which gives Montana the name "Big Sky Country."  When you're driving, you don't see a lot of buildings or homes.  It's farmland, mountains, trees, and sky sky sky...

Speaking of sky, one native told me this:  "Welcome to Montana.  Don't like the weather?  Just wait five minutes."  This saying is so damn fitting.

Driving from city to city, you would watch the sky slowly blacken as thunderstorms roll in.  You would get a lightning show and heavy rain for 5-10 minutes, and then the clouds start to break away and fade.  Another day, the sun would be shining brightly until a sudden hailstorm hits.  3 minutes later it's gone.  It was intimidating at first, but it quickly became entertaining.

The fresh air, the entertaining weather and most of all the Big Sky made Montana a breathtaking experience.  My next trip will still be about business, but I will definitely have to spend some time in tourist mode.

At the end of every out-of-state trip, I'm always glad to see the "Welcome to Idaho" sign.  It's a way of saying 'Welcome Home' and it makes me feel a wave of relief.  With Montana, I was relieved this trip was over (long, intense, and my laptop died) but I can't wait to get back into Montana for some more fun.

I just hope I don't get bludgeoned with hailstones when I go back.

Managers aren't (usually) good Leaders

Monday was a hum-dinger of a day.

And yes, I said hum-dinger.

Yesterday was my company's annual all-day meeting, where the employees congregate in a local hotel banquet room and spend the day listening to recap presentations and "State of the Agency" addresses from upper management.

It's been a while, but this event reminded me why managers make horrible speakers.  And usually bad leaders.

First off, we were handed an itinerary of the day.  Lots of speakers, so each person was allotted 10-20 minutes, depending on their topic or hierarchy within the company.

15 minutes?  Fuck You!  I'll speak until I'm done!

The first speaker was supposed to talk about the Peace Corps for 15 minutes.  It was the 50th anniversary on the Peace Corps, and she was in it.  When it first started.

She pulls out the slide projector... 

40 minutes later, I know more about a small South African province than I ever thought possible.  And we are already behind schedule after one speaker.

The transition from one speaker to another was ghastly.  Every manager had their own powerpoint presentation on their own thumb drive, and none of them set up before it was time for their speech.

Watching managers being managed reminded me of herding cats.  It's an exercise in futility.  In the large group of managers, there wasn't one effective leader among them.  Morale was not boosted.  People were not motivated.  Instead, we all sat and were lectured, over and over, waiting for lunch to arrive.  Or 5...

The next five speakers went like this:

• 10 minute timeslot
• 3-5 minutes to set up powerpoint, and refocus the projector (even though, if they left it alone or paid attention, they would notice that the previous person already did this, and the projector was in focus)
• 1-2 minutes of jokes on why they were happy to be here, or why their department is the best (and y'all can suck it)
• 15-20 minutes on a powerpoint presentation, explaining to everyone what their department does, and boring statistics for the year.

Of the 112 employees present, about 8 were "new" and this was their first all-staff meeting.  Me being one of the newbies, *I* even found the "This is who we are and this is what we do" speeches dull.  I couldn't imagine if this were the 5th time I've heard it...

And holy crap, the powerpoint... it's like they have no idea how to set one of these up to make it the least bit stimulating.  I felt like I was being executed via powerpoint...

Lastly, every department has its own acronyms, but none of the managers seemed to realize that a noob like me has no idea what ARRA, AoA, CCAP and the like mean.  All of your stats focus around these acronyms, so they must be important.  But what the fuck are they?

Meetings like this make me glad I'm not in management anymore.  Even though I always tried to engage my audience, I don't want to be lumped into the same group as these people.  Either they give management a bad name, or they're doing it justice.  I'm siding with #2...

The highlight of the evening was the banquet at the end of the day.  The food was ghastly (pressed turkey loaves, anyone?) but the no-host bar more than made up for it.

Wild Turkey > Processed turkey

The booze definitely took the edge off, even though I ended up sitting next to the HR director for dinner.  Thanks to her, I probably had about 1/2 the drinks I really wanted, which was probably a good thing.

So I survived the once-a-year shindig that is my company's all-staff meeting from hell.  Remind me to be sick sometime next May...

Don't burst my bubble

I'd like to start this post by saying I like my job, so don't consider this a job-bashing post.

But some days, I want to strangle one of my coworkers...

Most people understand the concept of personal space.  They talk to you from a comfortable distance; you don't have to shout, people are in a relaxed posture, and the conversation flows.

Not this lady.

She's a little older, and EVERY MORNING she has to start the day by talking to me for 5-10 minutes about random crap.

• The food she ate last night
• A cool cooking magazine she bought, and all the fabulous recipes she's going to copy for me
• Woes about her sister, her sons, her family, her bunions, etc.
• "When I was younger" stories (there are PLENTY of these...)
• etc.

Now, I don't mind small talk.  It loosens people up, builds a rapport, shows trust, all those good things.

There's only one small problem.

She does it about 2 feet away from my face.

ok, now carry the 2... change the font to arial...

I'm usually sitting at my desk, as I typically get to work on time.  She strolls in 15-20 minutes late.  She immediately comes up, presses against my desk so she's as close as possible, and starts telling me about A, B, or whatever comes to mind.

I'm sitting, she's standing.  There's not a worse feeling than someone looming over you, talking and talking.

Except, sometimes, it gets worse.  She, on occasion... spits when she talks...

Ththththufferin ththththuccotash...

I have tried to politely tell her things before.  Recently at a leadership meeting, we were divided into 'personality types' and it SHOULD HAVE become obvious that my type didn't appreciate violations of personal space, or endless chatter.  Did she get the clue?  Yeah, for like 3 days.  She regresses fast.  Short of shouting "KNOCK IT OFF!" to her, I'm not sure that to do.

Folks, do you do this?  Do you follow the rules of allowing people their personal space?  Here is a useful chart:

Coworkers should stay within the 'social zone' where the closest you are is 1.2 meters, or almost 4 feet.  This allows breathing room, and makes it so I don't need to smell your "I didn't brush my teeth this morning" breath.  There are exceptions to the rule, of course, but I think I really really like the general rule.

Does anyone else have this problem?  Did you solve it?  And how?  I share a working space with her 40ish hours a week, so I'm trying not to mess up the relationship.  However, she needs to back. The. Fuck. Up.

Godaddy? No, daddy.

I'm sorry.  Not even Danica Patrick in a string bikini can save my opinion on this website.  Maybe if she lost the bikini....

I woke up Thursday morning feeling inspired.  I have a little money chilling in paypal, and it's burning a hole in my virtual pocket.  It's not enough to buy anything decent (it's under $20), but it's enough to buy a domain for my blog.

Yes, Pinocchio is trying to turn into a real boy.  I want a real website!

I pick out a name I like, and buy the domain.  I fill out all the forms, pay via paypal, and *ding* I have a website address!

Cool!

I configure all the settings from blogger to my new site, do all the DNS data to get it to switch over, and test it a few times.  It's workin nice...

My good mood turns into a great mood.  I start designing things with the new website address on it.  Cards to leave around internet cafe's?  I've seen in done before, but the 'wtfamidoing' tag seemed too long.

Not any more.

Get it?  Idaho's a red state!  Hahahaha!!

My marketing brain starts to tick.  I've been doing marketing for 6 years in a previous life, so I start thinking about how to get my blog's website better known.

But eh, it's time to go to work.  Oh yeah, I have a day job.  Dammit.  Granted, I like this job, but there are just some days where a 9-5 doesn't thrill you (mainly the days that end in a 'y').

This week has been, well, unique.  I'm only 3 weeks (ish) old at this place, and my boss is out of town on personal business.  She's available by cell/email, but not in the office, not answering the phone, and not helping walk-in people.  The other girl in the department has been off because of a surgery.  That leaves me, the newbie, alone to handle everything on my own.

Eeps.

Oh yeah, add a few interns and a student worker into the mix.  One intern is badass, and knows how to keep herself busy.  She sees what needs to be done, and does it.  The others, not so much.  Handholding is a term I debate using, because even that seems a little understated at times.

So I'm going solo in the office scheme.  But wait!  Today I'm not in the office for the afternoon!  I get to drive 30 miles to the BYU campus, and fish for more interns for the next semester.

(BYU-rant blogpost coming soon.  There's just too much to share, and I've only been there twice.)

Back to the main story.  I'm on campus, where cell reception is nil, and all the 'pop' machines (not soda.  pop.  ugh.) have no caffeine.  Better still, they don't take money.  There are little slots for "Mormon Mastercards" but not cash.  Grrrr.

My good mood is fading.

IT'S MEET THE STUDENTS TIME!!  yaay...

Most of them were cool kids.  Upbeat, sharp, and friendly.  There were one or two who asked me what Ward I belong to (slang for church) and then gave me dirty looks for not being a part of the cool-kids-club.

Mood levels fading even more.

My phone buzzes.

It's godaddy!

Come to tell me that things are going smoothly?

NO!  OF COURSE NOT!

"We don't like the data you gave us, so we're freezing your account.  Your website is now locked, and we're refunding your money."

What?

....what?

...wow.

Little did I know that my blog was still redirecting to the now-frozen site.  It was essentially dead for the majority of the day.

Granted, I was on my blackberry, but you get the idea.

Thanks godaddy.  I have 45 pageviews today (Thursday) instead of my normal count in the 200's.  My viral versus viral contest is borked now, since people can't vote on a site that's dead.  I make $10-20 a day on ad revenue, and today it's only 10 cents.

Grrrr.  I need a drink.  And bewbs.  And a bj or something.  Or maybe another domain host.  iPage, here I come!

End of the Week, End of the Move

Today is official moving day.  Everything is packed, movers are coming, and boxes will migrate.

Wednesday, we were given a chance to tour our new 'temporary building.'  As we entered, our tour guide said "Welcome to 1967."  How right he was.

First off, on some of the main doors, there are some fancy woodcarvings.  I'm not sure what the building was used for before, but it looks like the last owners loved to decorate.

There are different 'coat of arms' designs on a handful of doors.  It reminded me of a Knights Templar building, or an old Masonic Center.

The building has two floors:  The main floor and the basement.  There is office space in both, and I was fortunate enough not to get placed in the dungeon.  Downstairs was just plain weird.

First off, it has a sauna down there.

First thought was "BADASS!  We can have department meetings down here!"  Then I remembered that I'm the youngest of all my coworkers by a good 25 years.  Maybe...not.

Secondly, there is a 'pinhead room' downstairs.

I'm not sure why someone designed the room like this, but they did.  Yes, it goes to a point.  The corner is about 8 inches wide, and the entire room is like that.  Starts out wide, but slowly closes in to the point.  Maybe that can be the disciplinary room?  "Bob!  Go stand in the corner!"

Upstairs is better, but not by much.  Again, this building was made in the 60's.  Yellow stained glass is everywhere.

The main conference room looks like UFO's are about to land on the meeting table.

And the heating/air conditioning vents look like they were slapped on not too long ago.

Does anyone else see the face on the wall?  The eyebrows?  The eyes?  I laughed a little when I saw this room, but noone else seemed to see what I saw.

So today is moving day.  Possibly tomorrow, if we don't finish.  Our new home for the next 4 months.  Get out the lava lamps and the LSD, it's going to be a trip.