Why Did The Black Man Cross The Road? (When Is Racism Funny?)

I spent the majority of last week in Las Vegas and California.  Normally what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but this story just has to be shared.

It's racist, borderline offensive.  But a little funny.  Just bare with me...

I was in Vegas, taking the shuttle bus to the airport from the car rental dropoff.  I was in between a group of drunk tourists and a middle-aged black couple.

The drunk dudes were talking about their trip, and how one of them almost nailed a black chick.

This turned into a few racist jokes.

The black couple was slowly getting more and more offended, and the wife restrained her husband more than once.  I'm getting uncomfortable watching this, but wasn't in a position to make the guys stop.

This continues to escalate until one of the drunkies cracks this joke:  "Hey, why did the black man cross the road?  BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE CHICKEN WAS!!"

The black dude laughed a little, and then looked around to see if anyone noticed.

His eyes caught mine.  I pointed to him, with an "I saw that, you laughed" face.  His expression?

He knew he got caught, and then wasn't angry at the drunk dudes anymore.  Apparently racism is ok as long as it's funny...

On that note, that could be why Randy Newman recently made this song:

"I'm Dreaming of a White President" can be seen as racist, but Mr. Newman made this song as a jab to the Republican Party and some of the hate rhetoric going around.

Again, slightly racist, but intended to be funny.

So when is it ok to make a racist joke?  Can black people be self-deprecating and joke about KFC and Watermelon?

Or is that crossing a line, since white people would be crucified for telling the same joke?

Carlos Mencia talks about 'Beaners and Wetbacks' but I can't.

...yet everyone jokes about White Trash and rednecks.  And I'm ok with that.

Can racism be funny?  Can we poke fun at ourselves and each other without getting overly offended?

Or if I shout out "Fuck yo couch, nigga!" will you cry foul?

The Evolution of Jerking It (Science is AWESOME!)

This is what you look like when you're watching
internet porn....

I was thirteen when I discovered self-pleasure (a bit late to the ballgame, I know...) and the rest is history.

Back then, it was one of dad's Playboy magazines (helloooo Jenny McCarthy!) and good ol' lefty.

The 4th or 5th time, I rubbed myself raw.  I didn't learn the benefits of lube until I was sixteen (and paid the price on more than one occasion).

Looking back at then versus now, my 'technique' has definitely evolved.  There are definitely a million and six different ways to 'fap.'

A dry-rub, with lubrication, lefty, righty, 'the stranger' and toys galore.

Well, now there are a million and seven...  Introducing, for you iPad users, the newest way to jerk it to internet porn:

The Fleshlight attachment, also known as the FleshliPad.

Your eyes do not deceive you, my brother!  The attachment snaps onto your iPad and has its own pocket-pussy, so you can find your favorite POV porn and imagine yourself boofing a nine-inch munchkin!

The only warning I can give guys is not to try and use this 'hands-free.'  If you put too much weight on the screen you're going to break the glass.  iPads, like their iPhone cousins, have screens that break when you look at them the wrong way.

Oh, and if you like giving 'facials' to your victims, DO NOT let your kids play Angry Birds on this device!  I don't care how many times you've wiped it off, that's just plain wrong.

For those of you that have Android tablets, I am sure there is an Android version out there somewhere (if not, there will be soon).  As technology improves, the evolution of sex (whether solo or with a friend) will always find ways to advance and evolve...

After all, science is awesome!

Bitch Slap Those Germs With Some Funny Hand Sanitizer

A few months ago I was reading a funny article about hand sanitizers on Adventures in Estrogen, and the funny post became a reality when I spotted some of the funny bottles in a local store.

Fun conversation starter?  Check.

Effective marketing to sell hand sanitizer?  Check.

Intriguing enough for me to look for the company's website to see what else they have to offer?

You better believe it...

With names like "Cleaner than Shit" and "Thanks for Scooping My Poop," you can have a specific bottle of sanitizer for every situation!

My favorite, by far, has to be the OCD bottle.

Directions:  Open cap.  Sanitize.  Close cap.  Open cap.  Sanitize.  Close cap.  Make sure cap is firmly closed.  Recheck cap.  Are you sure it's closed?

The company also does other novelty items like gum ("I kissed a Democrat/Republican" and other fun designs) and breath spray.

This breath spray will help you look and feel Canadian.  Other sprays will help you instantly have a gay accent, or even make you enjoy your job!

And, because I love all of you, I'm going to do a give-away.

I purchased a bottle of "Wait - Was That Slutty?" hand sanitizer and will be announcing a winner on Monday, May 28th.

How can you enter?

1)  Like me on Facebook (1 entry)
2) Leave a comment here (1 entry)
3) Come up with a new and awesome hand sanitizer catch-phrase.  The top 5 will count as 5 entries!

Ready?  GO!

Idaho's Finest - Signage Showing Stupidity

If you have been following this blog for a while, you've probably seen multiple posts about signs and banners in my town that make me cringe.

Spelling and/or grammar mistakes galore.  It's an editor's nightmare, but makes writing daily posts for this blog simple.

Oh, and if you're newish, don't worry.  I'll be doing a 'best of the worst' post in the days to come.

The most recent addition is the Kia dealership in town. In front of their lot reads a sign that says "Idaho's TRUCK HeadQuarter's."

I'm not joking.

...in fact, I didn't even know Kia had trucks...

I've rolled past this sign many-a-time without really glancing at it, but one day it just screamed at me.  At first, I only noticed the capital Q.  Then, upon further inspection, my stomach began to turn.

Thank you, Stone's Kia of Idaho Falls.  You make my job as a blogger easy, and you give me one more reason why I'll never buy a Kia.

Not Even Once

I am always trying to learn new things about my new home.  One thing I noticed quickly was the presence of anti-meth campaigns in this city.

"Meth - Not Even Once" billboards, building posters, radio ads and bumper stickers are everywhere.

And rightfully so.  This is a pretty boring state, and when you have absolutely nothing to do all day, meth *could* make things interesting.

Some interesting facts I pulled from the Idaho Meth Project website:

• Idaho spends between $60 to $102 million annually to incarcerate and treat offenders
who admit to having a Meth problem—this represents between 32% - 55% of the Idaho
Department of Correction’s total budget
o 52% of Idaho inmates directly attribute Meth use to their incarceration
o 89% of female offenders in county jail in Idaho indicate they have a problem with
Meth—73% of these women indicate that Meth is their drug of choice

• During 2007, more than 70% of Federal drug offenses in Idaho involved
methamphetamine

• Idaho ranks #4 in the country for past year Meth use by 12 – 17 year olds and 18 – 25
year olds

• Idaho ranks #7 for lifetime Meth use by high school students

Needless to day, meth in Idaho seems to be just as common as potatoes, mormons, and open wilderness.  Of all the drugs to do, meth seems to be Darwin's drug-of-choice to thin out the herd. 

Because I'm a helpful person, I have scoured the internet and found a few 'anti-meth' images that may be helpful in getting the message across.  Enjoy.

 

 

Now, drugs are no laughing matter, and it is truly sad when narcotics can destroy someone's life, or worse, a family.  But I *do* see a difference between something like marijuana and meth.

Marijuana is a plant, and you smoke it.  The naturally-occurring chemicals that are released cause the high, and the result is a buzz that subsides over some time.  Side-effects include laziness, extra hunger, and red-eye.

Meth is a completely different beast.  It is a combination of battery acid, paint thinner, camp stove fuel, drain cleaner, cold tablets, brake fuel and a dozen or so other toxic chemicals.  Anything that makes your teeth fall out, makes you want to tear your skin off, or turns you batshit crazy is not a good way to get high.

If you grow a marijuana plant, you need plant food, lights, and a green-thumb.  If you make your own meth, the countdown to your house exploding begins in 5....4...3...2...

So remember kids: