Hotel Evacuation? Sounds Fun.

Until recently, I have never been in a fire or an actual evacuation due to a fire.  I have been in countless fire drills, been told how to evacuate a school / house / plane / bus / hotel in case of fire, but I was never unfortunate enough to put my training to the test.

...until last week.

Last week I was doing a ride along with a VIP.  He is a manufacturer rep, and actually more of an executive than a rep.  We covered Wyoming and Idaho in one day, and were ending the night in Missoula Montana.

750 miles and 13.5 hours after the work day started, our day finally ended.  We pulled into the hotel, checked in, wound down, settled in our own respective rooms, when...

BEEEP.  BEEEEP.  BEEEEP.

The alarm was going off.

I had just drifted off to sleep, and my TV hadn't quite turned off (sleep mode rocks) when the alarms started.

I woke up, and initially thought it was the TV.  The movie trailer for Prometheus was on, and the annoying siren-music on the trailer sounded a lot like the alarm.

So I turned down the volume.

The noise wasn't going away.

Finally, I put on some decent clothes, grabbed the essentials (room key, wallet, phone for pictures) and inspected the door.  Not hot.  I looked outside.

Smoke.  Everywhere.

Like everyone else, I evacuated.  There were dozens of people already outside (including a few hotties in only robes) and we all herded together.  I found my VIP ride-mate, and we laughed about the situation.  "You really know how to show a guy a good time, Brandon" he quipped.

Then the fire trucks came...

The night manager did a head count and assured all the patrons that we would receive some sort of recompense for the situation.

We were also assured that, although smoke was a-plenty, there were no flames.

Apparently, one of the dryers exploded.  At least, that's what we were told.

An hour later (in 44 degree weather) we were finally given the all-clear and told to go back inside.  On and off for the next 30 minutes, they tested the alarms to make sure they were working properly.  Around 3:30, after everything was said and done, and nerves finally calmed, I was finally able to get to sleep.

...and start my day around 6:30.

The next day, I checked out.  The manager on duty gave me my invoice, apologized for the night before, and wished me well.  No recompense, no discount, no comped room.  I was slightly miffed, but in a hurry, so I didn't have time to argue.

On my way out, I noticed this sign and laughed:

Ironic much?

I stay at this La Quinta whenever I'm in Missoula.  They've been good to me until this last trip, so I'm a little torn.  The next time I'm in town, I may shop around to other hotels...

The moral of this story?

CLEAN YOUR LINT TRAPS OFTEN!!  A hotel manager friend of mine mentioned this was likely the cause of the problem, and happens more often than you'd think.

Needless to say, when I got home after my long trip, I went straight to my dryer and cleaned that fucking trap.

Have you ever had something like this happen?  What did you do?  What did the hotel do?

Real-Life Trolling: U Mad, Montana?

I don't like assholes, and I have no problem being an asshole myself to those that deserve it.

I was in Montana this week, and had the chance to be an ass to a guy who pulled into a handicapped parking spot.

I was visiting a customer, and in my car.  I was getting my notes together, along with all the presentations I was going over, when I guy pull into the spot next to me.  It was a handicapped spot, and he didn't have any plates or placards on his car.  The lot was rather full, so he decided to take a spot that didn't belong to him instead of parking 100 feet away.

I'm not cool with that.  I glare him down as he enters the store, and I go in and do my business with my client.

20 minutes later, I'm coming out and his car is still there.  I see an old lady drive by, handicapped parking card in her car, looking for a spot.  Thanks to this douche, there is none.

At that point, I'm fed up.  I start taking pictures of his car, his license plate, etc. to take to the local police.  I'm busting this guy's ass.

And that's when he comes out.

Him:  "What the FUCK do you think you're doing!?"

So I tell him.  I call him an ass, and tell him it's not cool.

"Are you a COP?"  I tell him no, but I can still take these pictures to the police to make sure he gets a ticket...

That's when he starts to bargain.  Yelling and intimidation wasn't working, because I knew I could kick his ass if he started something.  So he starts to barter....

"Look man, if I give you $20, will you erase the pictures?"  He'd rather pay $20 to me than $100 to a ticket, and he started to tuck a $20 bill into my shirt pocket.

I like money, so I relented.  Besides, I don't know if the cops would even care or take my pictures as evidence.

But, it got me thinking...

How many people could I catch doing this, and could I get THEM to pay me instead of pay a ticket?  It's a $100 fine in Montana, and nobody likes to pay tickets...

I went to a different parking lot, and caught two other people doing it.  In the course of 90 minutes, I made sixty bucks.

And hopefully I taught three assholes a valuable lesson...

Problem, Montana?

Blogging from Montana - Home of the Testicle Festival (wait, what??)

I struggled when naming this post.  I was tempted to start it with "Balls in your Mouth" or "...on your chin" but decided to take the high road.

Maybe I'm coming down with something?

I'm currently in Missoula Montana.  In nearby Clinton, a yearly event is held every summer called the "Testicle Festival."  Testy Festy 2012 is about drinking, dancing, debauchery, and of course, balls.

Looking at their website, I found a lot of college students from nearby Montana University at the shindig.  Maybe this is why the wet t-shirt contests are so popular?

Needless to say, this fest is adults only.  You need to be 21 or over to enter the grounds...

Testicles, often known as 'Rocky Mountain Oysters' seem to be a Montana delicacy, because I see it on a lot of menus when I travel in Big Sky Country.  They are often fried, and are rumored to increase virility and stamina...

...as exotic as it sounds and as adventurous as I am, I don't think you'll ever find me sampling this fried, um, 'delight.'

But that may not keep me from Testy Festy...

This year's fest is August 1st thru 5th.  Admission is only $16, and from what I gather, they serve other foods here.

...I'd still shy away from any signs saying "Chicken Nuggets" though... wait... do roosters have low-hangers?

If you were in the area, would you go?  Would you endure the bad country music, rednecks galore, and balls-a-plenty to see scores of this:

How YOU doin???

...and I have to ask... are there any of you out there who have sampled Rocky Mountain Oysters for yourself?  If so, please share your experiences below.

Oh, #Montana. Can't you think of better names?

Driving through Montana recently, I see towns, rivers and mountains named in a very simple way.

Bear Mouth Pass.

Beaver Tail County.

Elk Hoof Inn.

Rabbit Ear Ridge.

Pick an animal.  Then pick a body part.  Boom, simple name.

And the rest is history...

I know, I know... most of these are native american names, and hundreds of years old.  But it seems oddly simplistic.  So much so, it deserves a little mocking.

So.... the Animal + Body Part formula.  Let's think of some, shall we?

Wolf nipple?

Elk taint?

Buffalo nostril!

And of course, the ever-famous camel toe (and the less popular moose knuckle...)

What funny names can you think of?  And, bonus points, what funny names of towns or locations are in YOUR area?  Feel free to share below...

My Own Private Montana

My job has me traveling the northwest throughout five states.  I have been labeled as a 'road warrior' and the title fits me well.  I drive between 500 and 1200 miles a week, and am quickly becoming a hotel-room aficionado.

I have touched every state in my territory except Nevada, and my favorite so far is Montana.  It's also a royal pain in the ass.

Why?  Montana is fucking huge.

Butte.  Billings.  Bozeman.  Helena.  Great Falls.  Missoula.  All major cities in my area, but all SO FAR AWAY FROM EACH OTHER!!  Cities are spread 100-200 miles apart it seems, which gives Montana the name "Big Sky Country."  When you're driving, you don't see a lot of buildings or homes.  It's farmland, mountains, trees, and sky sky sky...

Speaking of sky, one native told me this:  "Welcome to Montana.  Don't like the weather?  Just wait five minutes."  This saying is so damn fitting.

Driving from city to city, you would watch the sky slowly blacken as thunderstorms roll in.  You would get a lightning show and heavy rain for 5-10 minutes, and then the clouds start to break away and fade.  Another day, the sun would be shining brightly until a sudden hailstorm hits.  3 minutes later it's gone.  It was intimidating at first, but it quickly became entertaining.

The fresh air, the entertaining weather and most of all the Big Sky made Montana a breathtaking experience.  My next trip will still be about business, but I will definitely have to spend some time in tourist mode.

At the end of every out-of-state trip, I'm always glad to see the "Welcome to Idaho" sign.  It's a way of saying 'Welcome Home' and it makes me feel a wave of relief.  With Montana, I was relieved this trip was over (long, intense, and my laptop died) but I can't wait to get back into Montana for some more fun.

I just hope I don't get bludgeoned with hailstones when I go back.

My manic montana marathon

Four days in Montana.  Broken laptop, horrible cellular coverage, inability to call out, and lumpy beds galore.

On my way home this morning.  Montana is a gorgeous state, if you don't mind five-minute thunder and hail storms.   Fun state, not a fun trip.

Back to normal program tomorrow, when I have access to a working computer.