Giving Walmart the Ol' Razzle Dazzle

Christmas shopping is in full swing, and more and more people are spending the bulk of their holiday budget at Walmart.

Walmart knows this, and loves every bit of it.  They're giving their stores more power to ad-match and 'win' the business, and you as a consumer can take advantage of that.

That... combined with employees that are either:

- Dim-witted, or
- Just don't give a fuck.

Either way, you win.

Case 1, I just recently purchased a new laptop.  It was designed to be my 'freelancing' machine (even though my customers aren't paying their bills like they're supposed to), so I wanted something with a good processor, good memory, and lots of space.

The machine I wanted was $700, but I settled for the $500 version.  Both HP's, both same-size screen, and the average person wouldn't be able to see the difference except in the price.

Walmart is full of average people.  They didn't have the $500 in stock, so I pointed to the $700 machine and asked them to do that one for $500.  I read off the specs of the $500 machine (the similar ones, at least) from their website, showed them what I was talking about, and they just assumed it was the same exact product, just priced wrong.  Did I defraud them?  No, but I didn't correct them, and got $200 off the laptop I really wanted...

Case 2 was a gift for my girlfriend.  She wanted a nook with a glow-screen.  Walmart had 2 deals going on:  One was a $30 giftcard when you purchased the nook WITHOUT the glowscreen, the other was $20 lowered price on the nook WITH the glowscreen.  (fine print specified which nook got the giftcard, which made it look to the glancing eye that it was $30 for any nook...)

It was almost midnight, when they close registers and managers are scrambling.  I took a picture of the display, because at the right angle, it looked like you were getting $20+$30 off the glowscreen nook.

I showed this to the cashier.  They were confused (AND training a new cashier) and called their manager.  I showed manager the picture, and as they were thinking about it three other cashiers demanded her attention.  She was being pulled in six different directions, ok'd the override, and I got a $140 nook for $90.

Could you call this taking advantage?  Perhaps, in a way, but I'm just stretching my dollar.  They have margin built in to ad match and negotiate down when needed, so why not make sure you're always on top?  And what's the worst that can happen, they tell you know and you end up paying for it anyway?

If you want to do something like this, do a little scouting first.  Find an employee that looks stressed, dumb, or one that looks like they hate their job (that covers about 80% of Walmart employees, doesn't it??).  They're more willing to buckle.  Secondly, time it during a busy spell when managers are few and their demand is high.  If it's a 24 hour Walmart, between 11:30 and midnight is perfect because they're closing out registers and usually short-staffed.  They don't have time to haggle and will often give you what you want.

Lastly, look for bad or confusing merchandising, like the 'boys vs boy's' ordeal I posted about before.  If they're advertising something that's incredibly similar to what you want, see if they can spot the difference.  Pictures on a smart phone work well, as they'd rather look at that than call back the toys or electronics department to verify the fine print. 

Good luck, and good shopping!

Killer Chicken Jerky, Made in China, and YOU

If you have pets, you have probably heard about the 'Chinese Chicken Jerky' fiasco, where over 360 dogs may or may not have been killed by jerky treats from China.

It's not a 'recall' yet, per se, but people are being warned to be cautious.

I am in the Pet Industry, and the words 'Made in China' have never been popular in the states, especially when it comes to anything a pet would put in it's mouth (treats, chews, toys, etc.).  I sell products that are made in China, but not a lot of them.  The treats I sell are made by an FDA-standards plant and have never been subject to investigation.

That said, 'China' is still a 4-letter word in the pet sector.

According to the FDA, there is still not enough direct evidence to link the chicken jerky to pet deaths, but consumers are taking action and treating the Chinese treats like they are recalled and deadly.

The following is a picture a friend sent me via Facebook, asking for clarification from an insider:

My advice?  If you're worried about safety, don't feed it.  Simple as that.

Better safe than sorry.  I personally only feed treats from the US and Canada.  Not because China is evil, it's because I choose to support local companies.

But I will say this:  Most of these under-investigation brands are 'big box' brands exclusively, meaning Petco, Petsmart, Walmart, Target and Grocery.

The product is not under recall, so no product is being pulled.  Essentially, the big chains don't give a damn unless they're being told by the government to pull product.

Independent Pet Stores?  It's off their shelves.  They don't want to be an indirect killer of dogs.  Again, better safe than sorry.

One of my Facebook friends that was huffing and puffing the loudest about 'deadly chicken' was called out.  By me.

Me:  Where do you buy your pet food?

Her:  Petco.  They have good stuff.

Me, laughing a little as I type:  They also stock X Y Z, brands under investigation for selling the 'deadly' jerky you just mentioned.

Her:  Ok, so??

Me:  They're not pulling the product.  They're still selling it, and don't give a fuck.  Now, if they're selling treats that can kill your dog, knowingly and carelessly, why in the blue hell are you buying your dog's food there????

(in minutes, she sent me a private message asking for a recommendation on what to feed and where to go... I laughed)

In short, these products are not officially deadly, but they are under severe suspicion.  Do you feed Chinese treats to your pet?  Do you buy food from retailers who don't pull controversial food, and refuse to stock it until they know it's safe?

Or are you like the FDA, waiting for that magical number of dead dogs before you finally give a damn?

Walmart After Dark

I try to stay away from Walmart as often as I can.  They kill small businesses, don't pay their employees a fair wage with benefits, and just feel like douchebags to me.

But this is a story of when I went to Walmart at 1am and the amusement from the trip.

My girlfriend and I were finishing up a 'couples' night with our friends when we realized we needed something.  Tonight.  Couldn't wait.  The only place open that had said thing was Walmart, so off we went.

It was 1am, but the parking lot was a madhouse.  Not only was it packed, but everyone walking/driving around seemed under the influence of something.  I'm not sure if it was alcohol, meth, bath salts or what, but drivers were swervy and angry, and people just seemed... well... stoned off their asses.

Inside the Walmart is a Subway restaurant.  Subway was featuring their new 'Nachos' which consisted of Doritos chips, nacho cheese sauce and jalapeno peppers.

Subway was packed.  All the stoners/drunks were gorging on the nachos, and proclaiming how great they were.  Praises included:

"Badass"

"Boss"

"Like, they're like, um, ...whoa."

And more.

Girlfriend and I got our thing, but were too amused by the sights to just leave.  It was people-watching heaven, so we wandered around.

The back half of the store was much less eventful, with tired people meandering through the aisles, and workers frantically restocking the shelves.

...and that's when I saw it.

We were in the boys section, and a rogue apostrophe found it's way onto one of the signs.  'Boys' turned into 'boy's' in a mere 40 feet...

But that's not all...

Since we have a lot of mormons in town that like to stockpile food, our Walmart has a preparedness center.  You can buy cans of 'instant' food with amazingly long shelf lives, and staples by the canister. The sign above the preparedness center proudly reads "From Our Family to Your's."

...

That rogue apostrophe sure gets around, and this was becoming a game for us.  Upon further inspection, the clothing departments were riddled with them:

Walmart is based in Bentonville, Arkansas.  Arkansas ranks 45th in the nation in overall education.

...

...I'll let that digest a bit.

And if anyone in the Walmart Marketing & Merchandising departments see this, here's a site where you can brush up on your apostrophe use.

Thank's!

Send In The Clowns? Not In Idaho Falls.

It's true, it's true.  Idaho Falls does not like clowns.

Well, it's not as simple as that, but it never is...

Idaho Falls has its annual 4th of July Parade coming up, and there will be no clowns at the event.

You see, the clowns use golf carts to hold the candy they pass out, as well as store the various magic tricks they do along the parade route.  There is a ban on golf carts for parade use, and now the city is enforcing it.

According to a recent news article, their reasoning is 'if we let the clowns use them, then we have to let everyone use them.'

(Wow, I haven't heard that line since I was chewing gum in my 4th grade classroom.  The next day, I brought enough gum for the rest of the class, so I can chew in peace... and got detention...)

This will be the first time Idaho Falls will be 'clown-less' in 29 years.  Even though the clowns provide their own golf carts and are fully insured, it's a liability thing.

...my guess is someone on the Chamber of Commerce just doesn't like clowns, and has been trying to do this for years...

What's next?  Imposing a ban on Fez's, so the Shriners go away as well?

Beep beep, bitches...

Now, the 4th in Idaho Falls is a big thing.  I did a post last year on their fireworks show, touted as 'the biggest fireworks celebration west of the Mississippi river.'  It is hosted by local business owner and super-villain philanthropist Frank Vandersloot, so the show is not without controversy.

However, people come from hundreds of miles away to see this show.  It is a prime example of America's love for blowing shit up our country.

Of course, local businesses are capitalizing on our need to barbecue, drink gallons of soda/beer, and picnic to our hearts' content.  Take this beer display at Walmart for example:

'Murrica.....  FUCK YEAH!!!

Well, 'tis the season I guess.  As for me, I'm going to a baseball game on the 4th.  I'll be passing on the parade, mourning for the clowns, and celebrating my freedom by not giving a damn.

...and probably wearing this shirt... (because I can)

Last-Minute Christmas Shopping? Walmart has the perfect gift for you.

I finally finished my Christmas shopping this weekend, but not before discovering a gem from Walmart.

Meet the "I am T-Pain" Microphone.  You too can auto-tune like a pro with this toy!

Like the box says, you can record and play back your voice.  It's mp3 compatible, and with a little bit of backing, you could be the next Rebecca Black!

I'm tempted to buy these for children in town, and watch parents writhe in agony.

If there is a bright side, you'll probably end up doing a duet with Lily Allen if you buy this toy... which could be a good thing, depending on whether or not you like Lily Allen...

Quick!  Buy now, while supplies last!

Oh, wait...

Walmart has a ton of them...

And they're getting kind of dusty...

Alcoholic Capri-Sun Drinks for Grown-Ups? Rock On!

When I was a child, Capri-Sun drinks were a coveted treat.  They weren't too different from your run of the mill juice boxes, except they weren't boxes.  They were these cool squishy foil pouches.

Something about being different made them stand out, and all the cool kids were seen with these instead of boxes.

You also had to have had some amount of skill to get the straw in the pouch without fucking things up.  It wasn't just a game of "find the hole and stick it in" like the normal juice boxes.  This one was at a funny angle, and took finesse...

(ladies, read into that as much as you like... don't hold back... need a second to collect yourself?  I'll wait...)

As an adult, I have had Capri Sun's from time to time, and I still love the look and the 'different' aspect.  Often times I have wondered "Why don't they make these for grown ups?  Maybe drinks with more adult tastes?"

"WHAT ABOUT AN ALCOHOLIC CAPRI SUN???"

And then I found them at the local Walmart (I know, I know...)  They are Daily's frozen wine-cooler pouches, and come in flavors like Mojito, Spiked Lemonade, Strawberry Daiquiri, Margarita and others.

They're 5% alcohol, and they were about $2 each.  The price you'd pay if you were buying a can of beer at the liquor store, so it works out nicely.

And bonus, they're in those little squishy foil pouches.  They're bigger than a Capri Sun (10oz) but that just means they're "Adult Size."

They're supposed to be frozen and used as a slush.  But I say fuck that.  Stick them in a fridge, put them in a cooler when picnicking or camping, and enjoy them just like the old skool juice boxes.

The only problem is no hole for the straw.  Since I'm using them in an unintended way, it's no surprise.  But fear not!  A knife or a pair of scissors will take care of that problem.  From there, just grab a straw and go to town.

Yes, I'm drinking wine coolers.  But you know what?  They're Capri-motherfucking-Sun grown up wine coolers, dammit.  I think they're awesome, and I'll be packing these on my next camping getaway.

Sometimes it's fun to be a kid.  Sometimes it's fun to be an adult.  Every now and then, you get to do both, and it's awesome.

Lady Booted Out of Walmart for Wearing Bikini Top

When I think of lady walking around in a bikini top, I usually think of some gorgeous number strutting her stuff, making all the men drool (some women too, I'm sure...)

But when you add "Walmart" into the mix, you're probably not going to find a lot of sexiness there.  If you tally up all the cleavage you see at a typical Walmart, about 35% of it is back cleavage...

In fact, if you've never been to People of Walmart, I recommend you go there now to see for yourself (not on a full stomach though... you've been warned...)

Making news this last Thursday was a story from Portland about a woman being kicked out of her local Walmart for wearing a bikini top and shorts.  Stories on both sides differ, as Walmart's official stance was she was being rude and bitchy to fellow customers.

The lady's side of the story?  They just couldn't handle her sexiness... see for yourself:






What say you, Idahomies?  Was she wrong for going into Walmart wearing too little?  Was she wrong for wearing that in the first place?  Feel free to sound off below...