Killer Chicken Jerky, Made in China, and YOU

If you have pets, you have probably heard about the 'Chinese Chicken Jerky' fiasco, where over 360 dogs may or may not have been killed by jerky treats from China.

It's not a 'recall' yet, per se, but people are being warned to be cautious.

I am in the Pet Industry, and the words 'Made in China' have never been popular in the states, especially when it comes to anything a pet would put in it's mouth (treats, chews, toys, etc.).  I sell products that are made in China, but not a lot of them.  The treats I sell are made by an FDA-standards plant and have never been subject to investigation.

That said, 'China' is still a 4-letter word in the pet sector.

According to the FDA, there is still not enough direct evidence to link the chicken jerky to pet deaths, but consumers are taking action and treating the Chinese treats like they are recalled and deadly.

The following is a picture a friend sent me via Facebook, asking for clarification from an insider:

My advice?  If you're worried about safety, don't feed it.  Simple as that.

Better safe than sorry.  I personally only feed treats from the US and Canada.  Not because China is evil, it's because I choose to support local companies.

But I will say this:  Most of these under-investigation brands are 'big box' brands exclusively, meaning Petco, Petsmart, Walmart, Target and Grocery.

The product is not under recall, so no product is being pulled.  Essentially, the big chains don't give a damn unless they're being told by the government to pull product.

Independent Pet Stores?  It's off their shelves.  They don't want to be an indirect killer of dogs.  Again, better safe than sorry.

One of my Facebook friends that was huffing and puffing the loudest about 'deadly chicken' was called out.  By me.

Me:  Where do you buy your pet food?

Her:  Petco.  They have good stuff.

Me, laughing a little as I type:  They also stock X Y Z, brands under investigation for selling the 'deadly' jerky you just mentioned.

Her:  Ok, so??

Me:  They're not pulling the product.  They're still selling it, and don't give a fuck.  Now, if they're selling treats that can kill your dog, knowingly and carelessly, why in the blue hell are you buying your dog's food there????

(in minutes, she sent me a private message asking for a recommendation on what to feed and where to go... I laughed)

In short, these products are not officially deadly, but they are under severe suspicion.  Do you feed Chinese treats to your pet?  Do you buy food from retailers who don't pull controversial food, and refuse to stock it until they know it's safe?

Or are you like the FDA, waiting for that magical number of dead dogs before you finally give a damn?

You Can Buy a Tube of Vaginas at Target

My girlfriend and I were wandering around Target on a Sunday afternoon, killing time and looking for inspiration.

She found her inspiration in a few notebooks on clearance for $1, that she can 'craft up' and resell for $10 each. I found mine in the gift wrap section:

Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a tube of gift wrap.  It was a Paul Frank design, with his famous monkeys.  As I rotated the tube, I spotted this:

The giftwrap roll cut off the faces perfectly, making a row of vaginas.

Yes, you too can own a tube of vaginas.

What worried me most were the braces.  The 'brace face' monkey looked like a scary hymen.  If I were in the bedroom or the back seat of a car, and saw THAT, I would be a little intimidated...

It also reminded me of the movie "Teeth" where a woman's nether regions have fangs, and she goes on a sexual adventure, dismembering members left and right.

Yes, I went there.

Have you ever spotted some odd odd things while shopping?  If it tops a tube of monkey vaginas, please share below.

FINALLY - A Replacement for the Easy Button

Everybody has heard of the easy button, right?

It's from Staples.  On commercials, people hit the button and BOOM, things get easier for them.  The idea became so popular that Staples started selling actual Easy Buttons a few years ago.

Sadly, they don't make anything easier.

But they do look cute on an office desk, and people giggle at it from time to time.

Well, I have found something more awesome than the Easy Button.

Introducing.... the "That's What She Said" button:

You can buy these at Target in the greeting card section.  It's a card!  But not!

As a bonus, here are a few of my "That's What She Said" one-liners.  If you have any to share, leave it in a comment!!

(carpentry) I used to be really good with my hands, but now I just suck...

(Taking pills, or something else??)  It has to be put right in the back of my throat, otherwise I can't do it.

(Pop quiz) You can either do it right now, or do it orally later...

(Playful puppy) All he wants to do is hide between my legs!

(Taxi)  ...I was halfway through my ride when I realized he was on the phone!

(Putting groceries in the cupboard) It's a little tight in there, you may need to squeeze it in...

(Heard in libraries everywhere)  Why is it so big?

(and of course, The Little Mermaid...) Darling it's better / Down where it's wetter / Take it from meeee...

A Fun Retail Prank: Best Buy Flash-Mobbing

If you have ever worked a low-paying entry-level job at a mall or retail store, you have probably had to wear a shitty work uniform.

I myself, long long ago, worked at Target for a short stint.  Their dress code isn't as bad as the picture of Hot Dog on a Stick, but a red shirt and khakis aren't exactly sexy either.

When I left the company (after a quick two weeks) I kept most of the clothing.  They make you buy your own clothes, so they're yours to keep.  I bought decent khakis, so they were perfect for my new job in an office setting.  The red shirts, however, I'm not sure why I didn't burn immediately.

By the way, good job Target.  You paid me $6.75 an hour to work there, but made me pay about $45 to buy clothing to work there.  I was already almost 7 hours in the hole before I even started.... bastards...

Every now and then I'd wear one of the red polos.  With jeans, with black slacks, and once in a blue moon, with those khakis.

BIG mistake.

One time, in the red/khaki outfit, I ended up having to go to Target.  I was oblivious to the fact I was dressed as one of their employees.

A random stranger walked up to me and started asking me where the shaving supplies were.  I told her.  She asked me to take her there, and I said "Sorry lady, I'm kind of busy.  Go do it yourself."  She went off.  She asked for my supervisor.

I was embarrassed.  I explained I didn't work at Target, I just happened to be wearing these clothes.  She quipped "You're lying.  No person with half a brain would wear those shitty clothes on purpose, and especially walk into a Target store wearing those..."  I was mortified, because she was right.  I felt so stupid.

Then it hit me... that could be a fun prank...

I never did anything with that idea back in 2003, but another group did.  With Best Buy.  Watch this video and laugh:

The group is called "Improv Everywhere" and I love them.  They're a group in NYC, and they do things like this on a semi-regular basis.  Check out their site for more hilarity.

So if you're ever bored and can grab a handful of friends, go prank Target.  Best Buy.  Hot Dog on a Stick (good luck with THOSE uniforms!) and make sure to record the chaos.

Target = Murlocs to me

Target.  Such an awesome store, even Michelle Obama shops there incognito.  

At one point in our lives, both my girl and I were cashiers at this fine red establishment.  Times we'd rather forget, but it's a part of who we are.  For me, it was over 10 years ago.  For her, it was about 2.

During her time (and still active now), the cashiers get to play a little game on their cash registers.  They get rated by the speed of their transaction, and either get a G for 'Green' or a R for 'Red.'   Greens are good, and you're supposed to have a certain percentage of G's by the end of the day...

...or it gets the hose again...

This is how the screen looks.  You've probably seen it...

Well, my girl and I were shopping at Target not too long ago, and went to check out.  I like to peek at this screen from time to time, and if the cashier is an ass, make them get an R.  After all, if you piss my off, I should be able to fuck up your stats, right?

Well, this guy didn't need my help.  At the end of the transaction he got a G from us, but his screen read:

RGRRGRGRGGGRGR

Now say that aloud...  I'll wait....

THIS is what I had in my head for the rest of the evening.  If you know what it sounds like know, you'll see why this is funny to me.

It sounds... like a murloc.

If you're not one of the 14 million who have played World of Warcraft, a murloc is an annoying little monster that tries to kill you.  Its warcry is "GRRRGRMRRRGRMRGRRRMRRR!" which is very similar to that dude's Target score.

I haven't played WoW in about 2ish years, but I laughed at this.  I gurgled and mrrgled to my gf's chagrin (she's a former player too) and all she could do is roll her eyes.

I wanted to go back into the store, take this guy out, and see if he dropped any phat loot.  But I didn't want to get arrested...

For those WoWheads out there, I'll leave you with this song.  Have a great weekend!   GRRRGRMRRRGRMRGRRRMRRR!