Stand Up Comics and My Ex Wife (starring @JohnHeffron!)

I love comedy, and Stand-Up in particular.  Seeing a comic in front of an audience, doing their act and dealing with (sometimes uncontrollable) audiences is always a great experience, and I have a LOT of respect for what they do.

I like going to comedy clubs as often as I can.  Hard to do in buttfuck Idaho, but I used to live 5 minutes away from the Ontario Improv in California.

This is a story of the first (and last) time I took my ex wife to a comedy show.

It was 2005, and Last Comic Standing was still around (and relevant).  One of my coworkers had a massive crush on John Heffron, and I was looking for a date night idea for the wife.  Lo and behold, he was playing at the Improv!  Date Night + Jealous Coworker = Fun for me.  (Sorry, Belinda)

I like John Heffron.  He's extremely funny, and won Season 2 of LCS for a very good reason.  I didn't want to aggressively molest him like my coworker did, but I'd at least go and laugh and clap.

Wifey loves the idea, so we go.  We get dinner first and I load her up with alcohol, because she's a fun drunk (plus it's easier to have fun at a comedy club when you're tipsy).  We get 'front of the line' seating and are next to the stage.

The opening acts come and go, and John comes to the stage.  His act is like a snowball: he starts slow, and builds and builds until it's just rolling along.  About 2/3 into the show, he starts to interact with the audience.

He targets us.  My wife, ever the alpha, does the talking for us.

John:  "So you two married?"

Ex:  "Yes, going on 4 years."

John:  "How many kids do you have?"

Ex, with a straight face:  "We can't have kids."

His reaction?

She fucking stunned him silent.

For a good four seconds.

If you have ever been on a stage, four seconds is FOREVER.

The audience was silent.

Eventually he segue'd out of it and kept going, but the rest of the night just kind of felt a little weird after that.

She liked to "TMI" a lot from time to time, but this took the cake.  Why not just say 'no kids' and leave it at that?

You are at a comedy club.  It's happy joke time, not time to discuss our conception issues in front of 150 strangers.

I felt sorry for John.  A heckling "fuck you" or a "you're not funny" is hard enough to handle, but a "oh, we can't have kids, thanks for rubbing salt in THAT fucking wound, dude" is like a kick to the nuts.

It was still a great show, but I never suggested 'let's go to the Improv' ever again with her.

...but the funny part of it all?

A few months later, my oldest son was born.  We traced back the night of conception, and it happened to be that night, the night of the show.  Because of that (and a few other reasons), my oldest son is named John.

So thanks, I guess, to John Heffron.  Maybe her ovaries just needed some public embarrassment to kick them into baby-mode?

~find John Heffron on iTunes!~

Worst. Fathers day. Ever. (and a message to my ex)

I am writing this from California.

I am currently in a parking structure.

Tears are streaming down my eyes.  I've been like this for a while.

Why?

My ex wife.

On  June 5, I sent her a text message and told her of my intentions to come down and visit my boys for fathers day weekend (key word: weekend...).

I told her I would be driving down Friday.  I wanted to do an all-day thing with them Saturday, and breakfast Sunday before I left.  This was about two weeks ago, and she ripped into me for telling the boys.  She thought I was just going to get their hopes up again and not come down, but here I am.

I arrived in Cali at 430.  Told her I was here, and asked if I could visit some today, read them a bedtime story, etc.

"Oh.  I didn't expect you til Sunday...."

The boys are with a babysitter tonight, and they "have plans" all day tomorrow.  I get to see them Sunday, for about two hours before I start my drive back to Idaho.

Two. Hours.

I just spent thirteen hours on the road.  I drove 900 miles.  This trip is costing me $250 in gas, round trip.
...and I get two hours with my boys...  That's it.

She conveniently forgot, and I suffer.  She isn't bending, and is trying to blame me.  I'm crushed, I want to die, and she relishes it all.

Being the dad, in a divorce, is the epitome of getting the short end of the stick.  Everything is in her favor.  She knows she has all the power, and this is her way of reminding me.

Does anyone know a good pro-bono family attorney?  I don't want to have an epic court battle, I just want to make sure I still have rights, and can't be brushed off when I make the long trek to California.  I have a good job starting Monday, but as of right now I'm still piss-poor.  So poor, in fact, that if a tire pops, I won't have enough money to get home....

Worst. Fathers day. Ever.

To my ex - Hi.  I know you read my blog, and I know your mom does too (hi to you too, can we talk?).  I want to work with you.  I'm tired of fighting you, and I'm tired of you fighting me.  When we talk, you twist, manipulate, and don't let me make my point.  So I'm doing it here where you can't interrupt or make me feel guilty for my sins of the past. 

This isn't healthy for the kids, and I know they were looking forward to spending time with me this weekend.  They told me themselves, and were super excited every time we talked about it...  They wanted me to take them to a puppet show, the park, maybe the beach, and they wanted to see grandma too.  They wanted to play blocks with me, and fireman, and ambulance.  You had to have heard this when they were talking to me.  How am I supposed to do this in 2 hours?  This trip is going to leave them in heartbreak when I say goodbye, because I'll be saying it way too soon.

Work with me.  Please.  I did everything in my power to see the boys this weekend.  My car shouldn't be making this kind of trip, yet here I am.  I miss them, and I know they miss me.  For you to 'misremember' what I told you weeks ago is inexcusable, but I'm willing to put this trip behind me and work toward making the next one more positive.  I should have sent you an email, with an itinerary, so you had it in writing, because apparently that's what it takes.

Us fighting does the boys no good, and I don't want to do anything that's going to put them in more duress.

For me to be spending a day and a half in town this close to the boys, and not being able to see them, is heart-wrenching.  You went to a bbq with your friends today.  Your friends see them more than I do, and I'm sure would understand if you said "Their dad drove 900 miles to spend father's day weekend with them.  They haven't seen him since September, so I'm here, they're with daddy."  It took everything in my power not to immediately turn around and go home when you knocked the wind out of my sails.  I'm still fighting this feeling, because being in California without access to my kids is killing me.

I start a new job Monday.  This job will let me catch up on Support, fix my car, and allow me to visit the boys more often.  I'm finally going to make a livable wage.  THIS IS A GOOD THING for you, me, and the boys.  But I'm going to get home at midnight Sunday, be up at 5am Monday, and back to the road for me.  As distraught as I am, I shouldn't be driving home, let alone burning the candles at both ends.  I made this trip to see my kids.   I'm messing up my car, and exhausting myself before I start a new (important) job to see my kids.  And you tell me no?  Why??

I admit, I haven't been the perfect dad.  I moved to Idaho out of necessity, not because I was abandoning my kids.  I call when I can, but sometimes I can't.  I pay child support when I'm working, but when I wasn't, I couldn't.  That's just how it is.  I am sorry.  I am working on being a better dad, a better ex husband, and keeping things more stable.  Please let me.  I want to make things right, but I can't do it with you putting up walls, playing games, and acting like I'm the deadbeat dad.