If we can use gum as currency, why not sex?

"Of COURSE you can pay me in sex!!"

(This post was partially inspired by Lady Estrogen... surprise surprise... THIS is why we can't have nice things!)

Most TV watchers have seen commercials for Trident Layers gum, where people are being paid in gum instead of money.

Babysitter:  "Of COURSE you can pay me in gum!"

Sad phone repairman:  "I wish they paid ME in gum..."

So it got me thinking, since I'm a dirty-minded guy:  What if you could use other forms of payments instead of money?

Thanks to this commercial, the first thought in my mind was "cum."  It rhymes with gum, and if you do a quick word transfer, the Trident commercial takes on a WHOLE new meaning!  The look in the babysitters' eyes makes it even funnier.

Oooh, she's getting paid in CUM!

But cum is kind of messy, and how do you accurately measure it for a form of currency?  I took that basic idea, and changed it to "orgasms."

They're easier to measure, and married couples have been using O's as a transaction for many years.  I myself, when married, had a few conversations that played out like this:

"Hey Brandon, can you replace the brakes on my car?  They're going bad, and I'm afraid to drive like this..."

"Sure, if I get a bj for it..."  Guys have been using O's as bargaining chips since the stone age, and I think it should be given a fair market value.

After all, the Orgasm is more stable than the Euro, can be universally traded like gold, and has a value everyone can appreciate.  I mean, who doesn't like orgasms?

I wish they paid ME in sex...

But sometimes an O is hard to give.  Guys can get them without blinking, but the female orgasm is a tricky beast.

I personally think every female O should be worth 3 male O's, but my point of view could be a little biased...


Ultimately I decided on sex.  Sex is an easy alternative to money, and people do chores and tasks for sexual favors all the time.  In fact, there's been a few occasions where I've helped out friends and neighbors where a quick "wham bam" would have been an acceptable payment.

So, I ask you:  Would you rather be paid in gum, or in sexual favors?  Or is cold hard cash still the method of choice?  Feel free to share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

Ya Think Idaho Is Bad? Try Canada (a Guest Post)

Today's post is brought to you by the ever-entertaining Lady Estrogen.  If you're not following her you need to.  Seriously.  Do it.  NOW.

It's ok... I'll wait...

...back?  OK.

I complain about Idaho on a regular basis.  The culture here is unlike any other I have experienced.  But talking to Ms E, I discovered a place even weirder than Idaho...  Canada.   Here is her take on America's Hat:



Brandon is like my bloggy mister, or rather, my blister. Yes. I do like the sound of that.

We shall get tattoo rings because we're cool like that, on our middle fingers. Every time I flip someone off, I'll be reminded of what we have.

Anyways. 

I can hold back no more. I must shed some light on a place that is even slightly stranger than Idaho. Canada.

All of it. Some places more than others.

Here are a few tidbits you may or may not know about the True North Strong and Free.

30% of a radio station’s content must be "Canadian Content". 

That's right, 30%. So, for every 10 songs that are played, THREE must be from a Canadian band/artist/popstar/idiot. Considering our talent can be whittled down pretty much to Rush, Nickelback, Avril Lavigne and Bryan Adams, I think you can gather the picture. It's friggin' painful! I've listened to much more Patio Lantern than anyone every really needs to in their lifetime. I've heard it has been linked with certain carcinogens. Just Kim Mitchell in general, actually. True story!*

In certain places, it is illegal to climb trees.

I just hope the von Trapp Family Singers come for a tour, because those paisley drape wearing hooligans would get their asses thrown in a Canadian jail. Don't worry, we'll apologize profusely afterwards for doing so and serve them all pancakes with maple syrup and Canadian bacon.

It's illegal for street performers to give children balloon animals.

I mean, what is the world coming to? It only takes ONE heroin mule to mix up his balloons to ruin it for everyone else. Bastard!

It is illegal to set fire to the wooden leg of a wooden legged man.

Well fine then. But if he really deserved it, I'd just steal his specially made shoe that fit on the end of it. That would REALLY piss him off. I'm sure the waiting list for a new one is like, 6 months minimum.

In Quebec, it is illegal for margarine to be the same color as butter.

This makes a little sense, since French Canadians are a little slower than the rest of us. They do not like to be fooled, especially when it comes to butter authenticity. It's not that the do not believe it's butter, but they just don't want to have to decide. That is much too confusing for them.

And finally, did you know? 

In Canada, it is illegal to kill a Sasquatch.

I think this must be a relatively new law that came about when Russel Brand came to Canada and people tried to kill him.

*Not really.

Sometimes It's Just All About Me (plus a giveaway)

Don't worry.  This isn't as egotistical a post as the title may lead you to believe.  This post *IS* all about me, but other people are involved as well.

Over the course of 8 days, between visiting my boys and my first week as a traveling salesman, I have put about 3600 miles on my car.  It's taking a much-deserved break in my driveway, recovering from the chaos, and prepping for a Monday drive.

Life on the road has been fun these past few days, and I think I'm going to really enjoy this job.  More to come on it later.   While I was gone, some interesting me-centric things happened.

Over at A Beer For the Shower I was immortalized in animated awesomeness.  My nightmares of being abducted my LDS Extremists and brainwashed/converted has somewhat become a reality.  I am now a Missionary going door-to-door preaching about 'The Book of Idaho.'

And I love it.  If you're not reading that blog, you're missing out on some good stuff.  And 'The Book of Idaho?'  If I ever publish myself, that's the name of Book 1.  Props will be given, of course.

Continuing my courtship with Lady E, I ordered a Mammo shirt from her online store a few weeks back.  I mean, I love boobs and want to do whatever I can to support them (heh) so I saw this as a good cause.

After a month of waiting (and a strongly-worded email to Cafepress) it finally came.  Actually... two came.  It's an awesome shirt, and I love being an advocate for women keeping their ta-tas healthy, so I'm going to share the lovin!

The shirt in question is a Charcoal color, size XL.  If interested, please leave a comment of "I LOVE BOOBS!" below.  Limit one entry per person this way.  To get a second entry, please tweet a link to this post and include the hashtag #Mammo in the tweet.  I'll close the contest on June 30, and announce the winner July 1st.

Example:  I love boobs!  Come support the #Mammo cause, and maybe win a t-shirt from @Spud_slinger!  http://bit.ly/lyaoIE

Yay for boobies! Yay for ABftS! And yay for me!

p.s. - If you want a different color/size, please go to Lady E's Cafepress site.  They also have shirt designs for women, and much much more!!!