Planking is SO 2010 - Presenting: Angry Birding

Did someone say Angry Birds?

Yes, I did.

And I'm about to make them even more popular.

How, you may ask?

Well, you see, I've decided to use these fine feathered friends in an attempt to be the new 'planking.'

Wait, what's planking??

Plank da police...

Planking is an internet phenomenon where people take pictures of themselves in precarious positions, laying as flat as a board (or plank, as it were...).

It became wildly popular, then became passe.  Planking resulted in owling and other copycat "person in a pose" pictures.

Well, now I present to you:  Angry Birding.

This is where a person commits an act of terrorism using angry birds.  For this example, I'm going to blow up the LDS Temple in Idaho Falls.

Why the mormons??   Hi, you must be new here...

I waited until the people visiting the temple was an absolute minimum.  I'm here to blow up a building, not the people.  Once thinned out, I pull out my bird of choice.

For maximum carnage, always use the black bird.

Especially against stone buildings.

I measured trajectory, calculated for wind conditions, and studied the best place to plant my bomb.  I only had one bird, so I had to be as efficient as possible.

One bird, one shot, one gigantic building.

You ready little guy?

The wind-up...

AND THE PITCH...

SUCCESS!!!

And with that, the Temple is no more.  I escaped with some minor scrapes and singes, but it was well worth the effort.

Next stop, California's Crystal Cathedral with a handful of blue birds.  Wish me luck!!

Halloween is Quickly Approaching

Ah, Halloween.  Where girls strive to dress as skimpy and slutty as possible, and guys either wear humorous costumes or outfits that draw attention to their dicks.

Or, you know, both.

I love this Holiday.

In a town with little to do, Halloween becomes a sacred drinking holiday.  Costumes, alcohol, and lots of exposed skin always make for an interesting night.

Some examples of costumes I've seen from my circle of female friends in years past:

• Miss America Rejects (kicked out for being sexual deviants or criminals)
• Slutty Fairy Tale Characters
• Belly Dancers

And much much more.  When corsets are a main part of the costume, and you're making sure your underwear matches (just in case) you know it's going to be a damn fun night.

Last year, I went as a Geek Squad Technician.  If not for the little badge I printed, I'd have looked like a geeky Missionary that got lost and stumbled into the bar.

...white shirt, black tie, etc... Maybe I should just get a book of mormon and do THAT this year?

No, even in the bar scene, I'd get my ass kicked.

Two things you don't go as in this town, if you value your life:  A Mormon (don't you DARE make fun of the Mormons) or Barack Obama (that's just begging to get your ass kicked in this red little town...)

So, what to do this year?  Do I get one of those penis-esque costumes?  Like the magic lamp costume, where if women rub the lamp they're really rubbing my junk?

As fun as that sounds, being rubbed off by total strangers, I think I found my costume.

What do you think?

Tales from the mobile impaired

I recently upgraded phones from a problematic Blackberry to a slick Droid touchscreen.  The salesman at T-Mobile told me "welcome to the modern mobile market."

I purchased a Motorola DEFY.  A slick touchscreen, water and scratch resistant, and most importantly 3G data speeds.

Courtesy of Motorola

It's a cool phone, and I like it a lot.  Droids are smooth machines, and I'm never touching a Blackberry again.

However, there's one small problem...  T-Mobile didn't mention coverage.

You see, they don't have 3G coverage in this area.  Nor do they have any plans to add 3G in this area.

Light Pink = 2G  ALL of Idaho is this shade of 'lame' pink...

The salesman assumed we had the coverage, because he kept telling me how much faster it was.  He actually tried to upsell me to a 4G phone, but I was happy with 3G, since it was 20 times faster than I was used to.

But wait!  I still don't see a change in data!  Why?  Oh yeah, it's Idaho.  T-Mobile doesn't care about Idaho.

Meh.

I wish I would have known that before I got a new phone & extended my contract.  It's also a shame, because other larger carriers have 3G.  Verizon is working on 4G around here.  They're just way more expensive than T-Mobile.

But, I guess this is a perfect example of 'you get what you pay for' isn't it?

This feels like the driving speed post from months ago (link), about buying a beefy sports car and only being able to drive 25 in town.  I have a hot-rod phone, but am limited because of lame-ass coverage in my local area.

I'm like a caveman, writing messages on slate with a chisel, while everyone around me is emailing or texting.  *dink dink dink* "Hi honey..." *dink dink dink* "What sounds good for dinner tonight?"

Notice how I'm not even talking about 4G?  I'm trying to be only one step behind technology, instead of 2...  I don't even wanna think about 4G until I can step up to 3...

Oh well.  At least I have Angry Birds...