It's mostly of my own doing, but that doesn't change the fact that I had a major depression attack this weekend.
You see, I'm in Idaho. I wasn't able to make it down this year for Father's Day, and it really didn't hit me until I was on the phone with my kids.
My youngest says "Happy Father's Day, daddy." I thank him, and tell him I love him. A few seconds later, he asks: "It's Father's Day. Why aren't you here with us for Father's Day?"
And just like that.
Hit by a truck.
I'm still struggling to recover.
Compared to Father's Day last year, I feel I am in a better place. I have a stable, decent-paying job. I can pay child support now, and (slowly) catch up from the better-part-of-a-year where I couldn't pay. However, I'm car-less. I'm struggling to count my pennies (do I save up for a new car or see my kids? I can't really do both...) and things just feel like they aren't getting better. I'm still 900+ miles away, and don't see them as often as I need to.
I'm better off than I was, but the label 'deadbeat dad' still looms over me...
I keep walking, keep plodding along... and the light never gets closer. Always in sight, always a lure to keep pressing on, but never close enough to break through and bask in the light again.
I need to get back on my own two feet. I need to get financially stable where I can rebuild my life AND see my children. Phone calls are nice and keep me in their mind, but I need to see them. Hug them. Kiss them. Be present for them.
That, and my ex has a shitty phone. I can barely understand them when I call her (and she doesn't have internet at home, so Skype isn't an option).
I need to get out of this darkness before it consumes me. I refuse to succumb, I refuse to stop fighting, but with every day, fatigue builds.
Are there any other dads out there that have gone through a similar situation?
What did you do?
How did you manage?
How did you keep conjuring up the strength to keep pushing, keep fighting, keep from just giving up?
...I could really use an 'ah-ha' moment right now...
