It's ok... I'll wait...
...back? OK.
I complain about Idaho on a regular basis. The culture here is unlike any other I have experienced. But talking to Ms E, I discovered a place even weirder than Idaho... Canada. Here is her take on America's Hat:
Brandon is like my bloggy mister, or rather, my blister. Yes. I do like the sound of that.
We shall get tattoo rings because we're cool like that, on our middle fingers. Every time I flip someone off, I'll be reminded of what we have.
Anyways.
I can hold back no more. I must shed some light on a place that is even slightly stranger than Idaho. Canada.
All of it. Some places more than others.
Here are a few tidbits you may or may not know about the True North Strong and Free.
That's right, 30%. So, for every 10 songs that are played, THREE must be from a Canadian band/artist/popstar/idiot. Considering our talent can be whittled down pretty much to Rush, Nickelback, Avril Lavigne and Bryan Adams, I think you can gather the picture. It's friggin' painful! I've listened to much more Patio Lantern than anyone every really needs to in their lifetime. I've heard it has been linked with certain carcinogens. Just Kim Mitchell in general, actually. True story!*
In certain places, it is illegal to climb trees.
I just hope the von Trapp Family Singers come for a tour, because those paisley drape wearing hooligans would get their asses thrown in a Canadian jail. Don't worry, we'll apologize profusely afterwards for doing so and serve them all pancakes with maple syrup and Canadian bacon.
It is illegal to set fire to the wooden leg of a wooden legged man.
It's illegal for street performers to give children balloon animals.
I mean, what is the world coming to? It only takes ONE heroin mule to mix up his balloons to ruin it for everyone else. Bastard!
Well fine then. But if he really deserved it, I'd just steal his specially made shoe that fit on the end of it. That would REALLY piss him off. I'm sure the waiting list for a new one is like, 6 months minimum.
This makes a little sense, since French Canadians are a little slower than the rest of us. They do not like to be fooled, especially when it comes to butter authenticity. It's not that the do not believe it's butter, but they just don't want to have to decide. That is much too confusing for them.
And finally, did you know?
I think this must be a relatively new law that came about when Russel Brand came to Canada and people tried to kill him.
*Not really.
33 witty retorts:
Wait...these are real?
So... If I went to Canada & climbed a tree I could get free pancakes & bacon? Sweet!
Cool guest post. In France they have this rule too, that x% of songs have to be french.
It's not that weird apart from the 30% music deal.
You lucky bastard! I'm still waiting for Lady E to do my guest-post while here I am, reading her guest-post for you! But then again, maybe it's because you live in Idaho?
Anyhoo, of course I gotta check out your site because after all, we did share a picture together on Jill's birthday card ;)
I've never been to either Idaho or Canado... but this little background info here is, um, a little disconcerting. I might have to rethink about visiting both of you. LOL
America's hat. Ha!
Thanks for having me, darlin'
Hey! I'm Canadian and I don't think it's weird here! The radio thing can be annoying, yes, but I'm not sure any of those other apparent laws actually impact my life at all...
Great guest post! I agree with the balloon animals, but can they ban street performers in general? Something creepy about that. And what color is the margarine? And what happens if I just shave a sasquatch? That sort of kills his mystique, is that the same thing?
Hahaha, as I fellow Canadian I found this very amusing (and knew a few of these facts)
I still think Canada is awesome. Partly because it is and partly because you are there. Despite the fucking Quebecoise and their inability to distinguish BUTTER. It's BUTTER. It's MORE DELICIOUS.
I happened, somehow, to tune into a Canadian radio station to wake me up and not only did it keep giving me Newfoundland time [which will FUCK YOU UP] but it also played SO MANY SONGS I didn't understand. But now I know. CANADIAN MUSIC. It's weird.
Please I beg of you.. do not spread the misconception that these *ugh* artists are all that Canada has to offer musically. I've been fighting this myth for YEARS.
Tattoo Rings? You guys are fuckin' BAD ASS!
Disclaimer:
Yes. These are all true, however some are only in certain provinces. I think if Russell Brand were to come to Quebec, they'd be allowed to kill him.
@Yandie
So sorry - I think it must just be the radio stations that I have access to (without digital or Sirius). There are SO MANY good Canadian bands, but they DON'T play those - all they play is the crap - the Rush - the Patio Lanterns, etc, etc... it's annoying.
@Scots Lass
So. Totally. Badass.
Oh yippie! My two favorites in one place at one time? How am I a day late on finding this? As I knew Canada was a little wacky but not being allowed to climb trees or kill sasquatch? Come on now! That's crazy talk!
Yeah, the translucent white margarine is definitely kinda gross. I didn't know about the balloon animals. And speaking of music, how could you forget about the great Corey Hart?? Without him I would never have known how important it was to wear my sunglasses at night...though I'm still not clear on what that lets me do.
Hey Lady E,
Sorry to hear about Bruno!
Funny laws! You just know that law about setting fire to somebody's wooden leg was put into effect after somebody actually tried it and then claimed they didn't break any laws!!
God Bless Crazy Canadians!!
As a Fellow Canuck I'm going to add one more weird law. In Calgary Alberta in order to serve liquor your establishment must have a hitching post out front, and it is completely legal to ride a horse on any road that isn't a freeway.
On the 30% Canadian topic it also applies to Canadian television. I however listen to a Canadian radio station that has a "No Nickleback guarantee" because they are from around my neck of the woods and were over played here well before anyone else knew about them.
Oh Canada, you crazy!
What, they can kill a squatch? That's nuts!
Cannot set fire to wooden legs?!? I am out raged. Hahaha, good post!
@Not the Hero
I worked in television and that law was sooo annoying. We were always scrambling to meet the 30% quota. Ugh.
You have a No-Nickelback-Guarantee?
Whoa.. that's awesome!!
Are these all the rules? You mean I didn't have to have sex with that moose disguised as Celine Dion while wearing a hockey uniform and singing "Oh, Canada" in falsetto?
Damn frikkin' Mountie.
If I can laugh, I can follow. So I did.
Some of these laws just seem super flipping retarded! lol.
Awesome. I'm from the GWN, and I'm ashamed to admit that I had no idea these rules existed. And to think, I get my panties in a wad when I go home and can't by alcohol in grocery stores. Fucking inconvenient!
As for Nickleback, their not from Canada (wink, wink). I think their from Alaska. (Just go with it.)
We are a confusing coutry!
But I swear to u if a carnie gave my kid a balloon animal there would be blood.
What?
---Lady E.
Bruno was gorgeous. So sorry.
Xx
I love you both, in unnerving and very uncomfortable ways.
That was a totally mean comment on Quebec. Calling us stupid is really low and clearly shows how small-minded some canadians like you Lady Estrogen towards us.
Awww... QC.
I love all of my country. Obviously, it's tongue and cheek - or rather langue et joue.
Relax, mon ami.
:) I was having a really bad day, sorry for overreacting !
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