Hey People, #LetsTalkBums (no, I'm really serious)

Hey!  Hey guys!  Yeah, YOU!

GUESS WHAT?  I’m a brand ambassador!!

What am I ambassading, you may ask?  A new way to shave your gerbil?  Idaho’s newest potato recipe?

Nope.  Tee pee.  Cottonelle bathroom products, to be exact.

That makes me your sherpa of sh... stuff.  Your pioneer of poo.  Your captain of crap.

And I will do it with honor.

As I prepare to begin my ambassadorship, I plan on thoroughly testing the product.  I just purchased a 42pk of Fresh Care flushable wipes, some taco bell, and I cleared my evening schedule.

Ok, maybe 'some' is an understatement...

Why flushable wipes?  This video will explain:

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be putting Cottonelle to the test.  I travel for a living and will be taking my testing on the road.  Cottonelle TP vs Hotel TP.  Why wipes are superior (ARE THEY SUPERIOR?) and how awesome my ass feels.

At least, I hope it feels awesome.  I'm way used to doing things the 'old fashioned way' and only used wipes on babies.  But, like the video says, why should they get all the good stuff??

I may include before/after shots, but haven’t decided for sure.  VOTE NOW, and be careful what you ask for!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, these Locos Tacos are barking.  Time to start my ambassadorship!  HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNG--

Magic Mormon Mike

My wife is going to a friend's Bachelorette party later this week, and she's not really looking forward to it.

You see, her friend is a big time church-goer, so expectations for a wild party are at a minimum.

Maybe it'll just be a knitting group?  At the very least, you know there won't be any strippers.

Unless... wait...

Do you think Mormons have strippers as well?  You know, Magic Mike, mormon-style?

Imagine it.  He bicycles to your house, knocks on your door with parted hair and a cheap wool suit.  You invite him in, and he starts the music.

Jonas brothers?  I wonder what Mormons would strip to?

He takes clothes off, piece by piece, all the way down to his sacred garments.  That's when he stops.

That's all you get to see.  Dancing around in magic underpants, gyrating to PG music.

Doesn't this sound like a fun bachelorette party?  Now I know why my wife is looking for the travel-flask we usually sneak into movie theaters.  If there's no alcohol at the party, she's just going to need it even more.

I can't imagine a stripper party in Idaho going well, no matter what.  There are laws in this state preventing commercial nudity, whether you're in a public or private place.  This means if you hire a 'girls girls girls' company from the phonebook, they can't legally take it all off.

That, and if you remember my accounts from an Idaho Bikini Bar, the 'talent' in this area isn't exactly famous for the right reasons.

Instead of Joe Manganiello, you're more likely to get Joe Dirt.

Best of all, wifey dearest bought her friend a gift-card to the only sex shop in town.  I would love to see the look on this poor bible-thumper's face when she gets the card, reading "you know, just in case he can't finish the job..."

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be working on my dance moves.  Just in case my wife doesn't get a show at the party, I'll be ready to give her one when she gets home.  *chick-a-wow-wow*