2011 is quickly coming to a close, and I'd like to end my first year as a blogger with a bang.
I thought long and hard, and then couldn't think of anything.
But then...
"Bang..."
"Long and Hard...."
Why not a sex-themed post?
After hours of searching around the internet, I found myself on the 'Casual Encounters' section on Craigslist. I found an interesting post for an LDS couple looking for another LDS couple for some swinging and swapping:
I smirked. And laughed. And then searched for more LDS-themed sex post. I found these...
Surprisingly there was a lot of 'm4m' posts, especially in the Salt Lake Market. Penises galore.
(If you want to see them, go search for yourself)
I'm ending 2011 with a new-found respect for Mormons. Seems like they can get their freak-on too... now if only they would quit it with their "holier than thou" attitude in public...
With a name like 'Missionary Mall' you were hoping it was just a bland sex shop, right?
Nope.
Meet one of the newer businesses to pop up in Eastern Idaho: The Missionary Mall. It is where the young mormons go to shop to get clothing and accessories for their 2-year mission of preaching and harassing unsuspecting people.
For the Grand Opening, they even had a giant inflatable "Mormon Man" in the front.
Mormon Man is the second-dullest super hero in existence (Sorry Aqua Man, you just suck...)
The Missionary Mall is the Walmart-Equivalent for Mormons on the go. They have a checklist for missionaries on a budget, and everything comes with a 2-year guarantee, so you won't have to replace anything mid-mission.
Their lists is 2 Suits, 2 Pairs of Shoes, 6 ties, and 8 Shirts for 2 years of service. Think about that list the next time you meet a missionary. Smelly, over-worn pants and shoes...
As silly as I think some of the basic premises of their religion are, I have to show a little respect for these kids. At a young age, being uprooted for 2 years and living in a strange land, having to talk to complete strangers and get blown off day after day...
Oh wait, that was college for me. Except I did it in 4 instead of 2. And got laid from time to time...
To any future-missionaries reading this: Can I give you a word of advice? Odor Eaters. And maybe a few extra pairs of pants. I know you're going to end up on my doorstep from time to time, but I'd rather not be able to see you, hear you, AND smell you. This isn't a 'how many senses can we stimulate' game...
If anyone wants to come to Eastern Idaho and open up a S&M store called "Heathen's Haven" next to this store, I will love you forever. Oh the shocked faces!
In fact, most people appreciate a good backside. Even our President from time to time has to appreciate "Dat Ass" when he sees a good one.
Sorry. It's not to be offensive. We're just showing our appreciation.
Throughout the ages people have appreciated a nice rump. In fact, I'd like to present a list of ten (plus one) songs made in honor of the booty.
You may argue with the ranking, but there's no argue about the theme. It's time to get it right, and get it tight.
#10 - Big Bottoms by Spinal Tap. When they see a fine ass, they turn it to 11. Best Lyric: "My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo / I wanna sink her with my pink torpedo..."
#9 - Ms New Booty by Bubba Sparxxx. Best infomercial ever? Best infomercial ever. And half the song is whispering. Bonus.
#8 - The Thong Song by Sisquo. Dumps like a truck. Thongs were mildly popular in the 90's, but really took off because of this song. Suddenly girls everywhere were wearing thongs, thanks in part to this platinum-haired man. Thank you, Sisquo. Thank you.
#7 - Shake Ya Ass by Mystikal. Mostly because Mystikal is badass, but his lyrics started a revolution of girls getting freakier and freakier in clubs. We can probably thank this man for playing a part in making the zillions of Girls Gone Wild DVD's.
#6 - Dazzey Duks by Duice. One hit wonder, yes. But what a hit. I'd hit it.
#5 - Rump Shaker by Wreckx-n-Effect. The quintessential Rump-shaking song. Perfect beat, perfect tempo. You want a girl to shake their rump? Play this song.
#4 - Face Down, Ass Up by 2 Live Crew. True, not their #1 hit, but 2 Live Crew's song about da butt is fantastic. Cuz that's the way I like to fuck... and cuz they performed Live on the Phil Donahue show in front of an audience of mostly old white people...
#3 - The Shocker by Warner Drive. I almost put this at #1, but I knew it would stir up controversy. If you haven't had the pleasure of listening to this song, you really really need to.
#2 - Baby Got Back by Sir-Mix-A-Lot. No, not the #1, but a close #2. This song put big butts on the map in the 90's, and is still on 86% of iPods worldwide. It's. That. Awesome.
FUN FACT! This song is the first musical purchase I ever made. I purchased the cassette single when I was in Junior High, and lip-synced to this song until the tape finally wore itself out...
#1 - Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen. Why #1? Because butts are so damn powerful, even a gay man like Freddie Mercury still loves them. Besides. Queen was lovin on butts before lovin on butts was cool. That makes them ass-hipsters, and a strong #1. GET ON YOUR BIKES AND RIDE!
Honorable Mention: It Must Be Jelly (Cuz Jam Don't Shake Like That) by Glenn Miller. Back in the 1930's, people were still singin about the booty. Here's an old swing ditty that deserves recognition. Enjoy!
Did I not get it right? Did I miss a song that deserves recognition? Do you like da butt? Feel free to chime in!
It was for Diet Coke. Did it increase Diet Coke sales? No. But it did get everyone talking about the "Diet Coke Guy." For a short period of time, Lucky Vanous was almost as popular as the soft drink giant itself.
These days, the same idea applies. Spokespeople becoming more popular than the product they're pitching.
First up is the side-mouth speaking blue-eyed beauty from Gazelle.com. She wants to buy your old phones and iPads, but what YOU really want to do is... um... let's not go there.
Nobody can confirm her identity, and there are a lot of people on the internet searching. A few names have popped up here and there, but nothing on imdb or any other major sites. If you search for people searching for her, she has quite a fanbase.
Probably more than the website she represents, which have been getting some not-so-fantastic reviews. Oh well...
Another good example is Flo from Progressive auto insurance. Not many people have Progressive, or want to switch thanks to Flo, but a lot of people know who she is. If you go so sites like 4chan or Reddit, she's quickly gaining enough popularity to maybe one day be a full-fledged internet meme. Is she on the same level as the Bronies? Maybe not, but some day...
Next up is the Hyundai girl...
Jessica Frech wasn't burning up the charts as a regular musician, so she pursued another avenue: Selling Cars. The commercial is catchy (I guess) and she's gaining popularity from it, but I still don't want to buy a Hyundai.
Still... I'd buy her a drink...
What other memorable spokespeople can you think of, that were selling a "meh" product? Please feel free to participate by commenting below, or simply let me know what you think of these selections. Thanks!
Troll science has been around since the days of Wile E Coyote and the ACME company.
Basically, if it makes zero sense and defies the laws of physics, it can be construed as troll science.
For example: Gluing thousands of magnets to the front of your car, and harnessing another large magnet to be held stationary directly in front of your car. This should pull your car forward, and you'll never need to buy gas ever again.
...right?
Not quite, but it sounds good in theory...
Here are some classic Troll Science memes from the internets:
This makes me want to strap buttered bread onto my cat...
Problem, Einstein?
A quick google search will pull up hundreds of these, which always make me laugh. As a late Christmas gift to my readership, I wanted to share some lol's with you. I hope you enjoyed...
My new(ish) kitten tried to play the role of the Grinch this Christmas.
She made it a point to try and shred every roll of giftwrap we had in the house. Bows were targets, needing to be destroyed. Boxes? Chewed on in odd places.
All because she knew we had some kitty toys for her, and she couldn't get them early.
We managed to hide the gifts, and wrap in hidden places. We never decorated the tree, because we knew all ornaments would be taken down and possibly destroyed. In other words, we revolved our Christmas preparations around this little bitch of a kitten.
She did everything in her power to stop this Christmas from coming.
Days passed, the kitten was decent, so we forgot about all of her shenanigans. It was time to bake cookies, and bake we did. Sugar cookies, gingerbread cookies, snickerdoodles, and scores of other varieties. Frosting was slapped on, gumdrop and cinnamon decorations adorned the treats, and we started to pack and giftwrap boxes for neighbors and family.
When I spotted this:
I started to inspect some of the cookies a little closer, and she had trampled at least a dozen cookies on the kitchen table. Her destructive nature was just taking a quick vacation, but was back in full force.
I should have just given her a lump of coal for Christmas. Or a concussion. But she still made out like a fucking bandit....
I found myself randomly reading the information sheet on the inside of the door. It lets you know the layout of your floor (where the ice machine is, etc.) and instructs you on proper disaster measures.
This particular La Quinta had a fun typo. I'm overlooking the 'pop' machine, since it should be soda (ugh... pop...) but I'm focusing more on the fire safety, if a fire is actually in your room.
What would YOU do if there was a fire inside your hotel room and you weren't able to safely distinguish it??
If you have ever worked a low-paying entry-level job at a mall or retail store, you have probably had to wear a shitty work uniform.
I myself, long long ago, worked at Target for a short stint. Their dress code isn't as bad as the picture of Hot Dog on a Stick, but a red shirt and khakis aren't exactly sexy either.
When I left the company (after a quick two weeks) I kept most of the clothing. They make you buy your own clothes, so they're yours to keep. I bought decent khakis, so they were perfect for my new job in an office setting. The red shirts, however, I'm not sure why I didn't burn immediately.
By the way, good job Target. You paid me $6.75 an hour to work there, but made me pay about $45 to buy clothing to work there. I was already almost 7 hours in the hole before I even started.... bastards...
Every now and then I'd wear one of the red polos. With jeans, with black slacks, and once in a blue moon, with those khakis.
BIG mistake.
One time, in the red/khaki outfit, I ended up having to go to Target. I was oblivious to the fact I was dressed as one of their employees.
A random stranger walked up to me and started asking me where the shaving supplies were. I told her. She asked me to take her there, and I said "Sorry lady, I'm kind of busy. Go do it yourself." She went off. She asked for my supervisor.
I was embarrassed. I explained I didn't work at Target, I just happened to be wearing these clothes. She quipped "You're lying. No person with half a brain would wear those shitty clothes on purpose, and especially walk into a Target store wearing those..." I was mortified, because she was right. I felt so stupid.
Then it hit me... that could be a fun prank...
I never did anything with that idea back in 2003, but another group did. With Best Buy. Watch this video and laugh:
The group is called "Improv Everywhere" and I love them. They're a group in NYC, and they do things like this on a semi-regular basis. Check out their site for more hilarity.
So if you're ever bored and can grab a handful of friends, go prank Target. Best Buy. Hot Dog on a Stick (good luck with THOSE uniforms!) and make sure to record the chaos.
I have blogged numerous times about Idaho being the Meth Capital of the United States, but other drugs are very prevalent in this area as well.
While addiction to illegal drugs is still the main focus of many law enforcement agencies, the addiction to legal and prescription drugs is often more severe.
I have a friend who is struggling with an addiction to pain medications, in particular Oxycodone. She has a prescription of her own, but also has a network of friends she buys the pills from at a hefty price. Like meth and other drug addictions, the side-effects are severe and most addicts alienate and push away their family and closest friends.
I refuse to talk to her or enable her in any way until she fights her demons and seeks help.
When I had a prescription for morphine-laced cough syrup, I felt half-tempted to take the medication after the need went away, just for the loopy 'high' feelings. Luckily I decided against it and didn't fall down the path.
If you have been prescribed certain painkillers or antidepressants, make sure you take them only as directed. Take more than you should, and that would essentially be prescription drug abuse on your part.
If you know of someone abusing Oxycodone or any other opiates, check out oxycodone detox centers online. You may be able to find help curing the addiction, as well as emotional support in getting through a rough road.
And remember, just because the drugs are prescribed doesn't mean they're harmless.
Southern Idaho is Bronco country. The Denver Broncos are the closest NFL team, and the Boise State Broncos are a favorite among most Idahoans.
Top it off with this years successes in Denver, thanks in part to Tim Tebow.
Just in case you haven't caught an interview with this kid, Tebow is very religious. He personally thanks God before and after each game. After every touchdown he scores, he kneels and prays.
People call it Tebowing, even though other players have done this before. He's just the most vocal about it. Almost to the point of being in your face.
Leave it to Saturday Night Live to take Tebow and turn it into an awesome satire:
Sorry Tim... If Jesus thinks you're a little intense, maybe you should back down.
And I agree. Give the dude a Sunday off, and learn to win on your own. You're not the only NFL player who prays before games. Don't make Jesus take sides...
(I especially like how Jesus mentioned he'd take a week off against the Pats, and whaddaya know, Denver gets spanked...)
(I especially especially liked the joke about the Mormons at the end of the video... who knew? Oh yeah, Jesus knew...)
I'm not here to make fun of the guy (at least, not TOO much...) but Tim? Seriously? You're not the only religious NFL player.
Kurt Warner, Reggie White and countless others have been giving props to God long before you came along. The difference between them and you? They never shoved it down people's throats.
So. Timmy. Thank Him. Praise Him. Play football. There's no need to be a TV Evangelist... there are plenty of those out there already...
Everybody celebrates Christmas in a different way.
That is, if you celebrate Christmas at all...
The folks at edible.com are selling Reindeer Pate for those interested in getting a taste of Comet, Cupid, or those unfortunate reindeer that didn't make Santa's cut.
Well, at least, they were. The delicacy was so popular, they sold out quicker than expected. At £15 for 190 grams (a little over 6oz), this spendy snack intrigued a lot of people.
And, of course, any popular-yet-odd food is going to attract a handful of protesters as well. VIVA, the Vegetarians International Voice for Animals, are 'politely' protesting the sellers of this product, claiming inhumane treatment of the reindeer, as well as stressful conditions for the poor animals.
I have to admit, there's nothing more stressful than being killed...
Just aim for the red light, kids...
The pate is a mix of reindeer meat, cognac and spices. I'm not much of a pate fan, but I'd buy it if it were still available, for two main reasons:
1 - I'm intrigued. People are buying this left and right, and it may in fact be tasty.
2 - The shock factor. I'd love to have this on the Christmas table as a fun conversation piece. I can see my mom in law going "This is DELICIOUS... what is it??" I smirk, say "Blitzen," and watch her eyes slowly widen...
Besides, I've been on Santa's Naughty list since 1987. If I'm going to be one of the bad boys, I better live up to my persona, right??
What do you think of this product? Is this a bad exploitation of the holidays, or just a sign of the times? Nothing is sacred in the 21st century, and munching on Rudolph's kin is no exception.
Social Media sites come and go like 90's hair-fads these days, but one new website caught my eye recently.
It's called Wahooly, and promises you a piece of the pie for hundreds of startups in the coming year. The way it works (in theory) is you as a blogger/tweeter use your influence to promote a company. In turn, this company gives you a stake in the profits.
This includes Wahooly itself. They offered 25,000 spots for people to split a 5% profit share in the company. Yes, that means that I'm only getting 2-ten-thousandths of a percent, but that means I get $100 for every 20 million this company makes.
Not a lot of cash, no. But I'm not exactly putting 40+ hours a week into this.
Their goal is to show followers about 200 startups in 2012. The design will be similar: Use your influence to promote the startup, and get a piece of the profit pie.
Is this going to make a lot of people rich? Maybe, maybe not. But it seems like a novel idea. The internet seems to fuel the modern world these days, so why not try to tap into that power? And why not reward those who help make you successful?
Imagine if Facebook did this long long ago...
I'm not sure if there are any spots left, but give Wahooly a look. I received my invite due to a high(ish) Klout score, so there may be some criteria to get in. Regardless, money is money. Check it out.
And if you see a lot of Twitter-spamming coming from me about @TeamWahooly, you'll know why.
-st
gw
