Cats In Heat are Just Plain Wrong

I have two cats:  Weeble and Dora.  Both female, both fixed.

However, Weebs got fixed after her first round of being in heat.  We waited too long, and IT started before her spaying appointment.

OH. MY. GOD.

Photographing Kitty Porn???  PERVERT!!

As if the yowling wasn't enough, she went after the only male in the house (ahem) and begged to be fucked.  It was disturbing.  Ass in the air, or backing into me and dry-humping whatever she could get.

We couldn't throw her outside, because a half-dozen alley cats were outside.  They KNEW there was a female in heat, and they wanted a piece of her...  6-month old innocent virgin... that has to be the holy grail for male cats...

After days of anguish, I finally called the vet.  "I know we can't get her fixed til she's done, doc..." I asked,  "but what can we do in the meantime?"

So the vet tells me a trick:  If I take a cotton swab and rub her in just the right way, it'll get her off and give me a day or so of peace.

...what...

I went to the medicine cabinet....

I grabbed a Q-Tip, and looked at it.  Confused and mortified.

I swallowed my pride, took the swab, and sat down on the couch.  Within seconds she's on my lap, yowling and humping the air as usual.  "Fuck me, daddy!  Fuck me good and put me out of my misery!"

So fuck her I did.  I did just as the vet said:  I pinned her down like a male cat would.  She yowled and hissed and struggled, but it was all a part of the act.  Her rear raised slowly, as if saying:

HELP!  I'M BEING RAPED!  HELP!  (stick it in, daddy)


I took the tip of the swab (heh, just the tip...) and rubbed it where the vet told me to.  She let out moans of ecstasy I have never heard before (shut up) and after about 30 seconds, pretty much passed out on me.

She was spent.

And I felt unclean.  So unclean...  I showered and scrubbed, but I felt so dirty.  So used...

I went through three Q-Tips during that ordeal.  I still have horrible flashbacks whenever I hear a cat yowling for sex...

Years later when I adopted Dora, she got fixed as soon as fucking possible.  There was NO WAY I would go through that disturbing 'kitty porn' scenario again...

And that, my friends, is the story of when I fucked my cat.  She begged me to do it, honest!

Why I'm Not A Dog Person

In the battle of Cats vs Dogs, I consider myself a cat person.

Don't get me wrong, I have both (1 dog and 3 cats in my household) but my dog seriously pisses me off.

I love my dog.  But I hate that bitch.

Here's why:

- She's a German Shepherd, and she's my girlfriend's dog.  GF wants to be the Alpha, so she takes the lead on most things (training, etc.)  Dog doesn't like to listen to her, and gf gets upset when I try to dominate the dog (SHE'S in charge!)  So dog stays fidgety and unruly.

- Dog likes to play.  All the time.  With everything.  My work stuff, laptop, tools, etc are all her toys.  The cats are her toys (and they don't like that).   If it's accessible, it's hers.

- GF taught the dog a trick.  Ring a bell, go outside to pee.  There's a cowbell on the door leading to the back yard.  Dog rings the bell.  Goes out.  5 minutes later, pawing at the door to be let in.  5 minutes later, ring ring ring.  Rinse, repeat.  GF refuses to ignore it, or let me ignore it.  Like Pavlov's neighbor, the sound of a (cow)bell now pisses me off.

- GF is kind of slacking on the walk department, do the dog always has pent-up energy, which she takes out on the cats.  Cats aren't ok with that.

OMG HAI.  I FIXDED THE DIRTS FER YOO!!!

- Dogs are ok when they're trained, but she's not fully trained.  It kind of sucks, especially since I'm gone so often and don't have the home-time to devote to this dog.  And because I'm rarely home, I get mobbed when I get back.  Then, of course, it's my turn for walks and letting her out and back in and out and back in and...

I'm not always home.  When I am, sometimes I like pet interaction, sometimes I want to relax.  Which is why I love my cats.

When I want to cuddle or play, they're right there for me.  If I'm gone for 4 days, come back, and ignore them for a while, they don't mind.  They're like a kind of 'on demand' pet, which works perfectly with my on-the-go lifestyle.

Best of all?  Cats just don't give a fuck.

Dogs beg for validation and recognition, like a needy 2 year old.  Cats are more like 8-14 year olds.  Kind of self-sufficient, but there if you want to play with them and interact.

And I know, that makes me sound kind of like a flaky parent, but the correlation seemed fitting.

Lastly, I like the internet, and the internet prefers cats.  It's a scientific fact.

So are you a cat person?  Dog person?  Like both?  Neither?