What I would like to address, however, are the idiots out there who think they are experts.
"If women didn't dress provocatively, maybe there would be less rape..."
"I'm afraid to take out the trash after sunset because I might be raped."
"The BBC exec was a rapist and molester... maybe we should have more female execs, since you never hear about women rapists..."
"I should be able to wear whatever I want; If men can't be trusted, maybe they should be blindfolded!"
Between statements like that and people I know painting with some broad (and odd) brush-strokes, I'm ready to throw my hands up in the air.
- Only men are rapists, or
- All men are rapists.
One of my closest college friends worked his way through school, and had a female boss. The boss harassed him, flirted with him, touched him in unwarranted and unwelcomed ways, and eventually fired him because he wouldn't put out.
When he reported the harassment and assault (before AND after his firing) he was laughed at. "Women don't do that" is what he was told. Others said "Nice. She's hot. Why don't you just bang her? You're lucky..."
Just because it's not 50/50 doesn't mean it doesn't go both ways...
And as a male, I think about sex. A lot. If you're attractive, curvy, have a nice personality, or were just plain friendly with me, I have probably imagined you in some sort of sexual way (consciously or subconsciously). Does that mean I want to have sex with you? Not necessarily. Does that mean I'm going to rape you?? Absolutely not. It means I'm a human with hormones and a vivid imagination.
I guarantee there are other men that have sexual thoughts about friends/coworkers/strangers/etc from time to time, if not subconsciously. I guarantee there are plenty of women that do this too, from time to time. We're human. We're primal, sexual beings. But we're also civilized enough to not act on these thoughts.
Hell, I think about flying all the time too. How cool would it be to have the ability to levitate and just 'fly' somewhere you want to go? Have I jumped off the roof in my attempts to fly? No. Why? Because I'm not dumb.
But the internet is also filled with people on soapboxes, claiming to know everything. This is why congressmen think pregnancy via rape can be 'shut down' by a woman's body, and why people fear sexual assault more than they need to. Yes, there are bad people out there, but please don't label me as one of them.
I am a white male. I am not a racist, sexist, bigot or rapist. Are most child molesters, most rapists, most corrupt-politicians, most peophiles, most etc etc etc while males? Probably, depending on what internet statistic you believe, but just because a square is a rectangle doesn't make a rectangle a square.
I am me. When I dress nicely, it's because I want to be noticed. When I dress professionally I want to be seen as a professional. When I dress for the club, I dress to be attractive and to be desired. I want you drooling for a piece of me. Do you do the same thing? I don't know. I'm me, you're you.
With that said, if you're desirable you're probably going to be desired. If you're attractive people are bound to be attracted to you. That doesn't mean you're going to be raped, that doesn't mean you are seen simply as a sexual object, and most importantly, THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU MORE OR LESS OF A HUMAN BEING. Male or female. Be smart, be safe, but stop being so judgmental and paranoid.
15 witty retorts:
>> I am a white male. I am not a racist, sexist, bigot or rapist.
>> Be smart, be safe, but stop being so judgmental and paranoid.
I'm sorry to say this mate, but I think you are displaying a bit of a lack of empathy. Some women are raped. More are sexually assaulted, any very many have abusive and non-consensual harassment crap foisted on them on a daily basis (cat-calls from building sites, comments walking down the street, you know what I'm talking about).
The exact statistics don't matter, because the point is that all women are at risk of it, and all women worry about it. It's *entirely legitimate* for women to have as a default approach, in the back of their mind, to be concerned about how much they can trust a guy. Especially one they've just met. Especially one they might actually be drooling a bit over. So let me summarize.
A. Your desire to be treated as a special and unique individual, untarnished by the actions good or bad of any other man, I totally get. But if we don't get treated this way, what are the consequences? That we need to earn the trust of women we meet? Is that really so tough?
B. Conversely, what are the possible consequences for an unwary, too-naive or too-trusting woman? I don't think I need to elaborate. So women are right to be cautious and at times wary.
Put A and B together, and I think that as a fair minded guy, you will see that B trumps A. I'm just asking that you empathize and recognize this, and don't get wound up about needing to earn the trust of women you meet. Fine, you're not a rapist. Other guys are. Women are allowed to be cautious. It is for the best.
I find this post to be quite aggrivating on a number of levels. First of all, don't use "I'm not an expert on rape" as a disclaimer to justify your ignornace. Before you go writing an opinion piece on a subject like rape, maybe you should do a ittle research first.
Secondly, don't try to make yourself a victim in the discussion of rape. I can't remember the last time (or anytime) that I saw, heard of, or read about, men being accused of being rapists simply for being male, implying that all men are rapists. Instead of complaining that you're assumed to be a rapist for being male,maybe you could try addressing the real problem here.
I agree that sexual harassment should not be discarded as a possibility or reality simply because it has occured in the opposite direction (by a female towards a male) but the reality is that the staggering majority of sexual assualt is committed by men. What happened to your friend is by no means okay, but one must put it into the context of the number of sexual assualt reports made by women that are also ignored, disregarded or discredited even when there is physical evidence supporting the claim. In the case of your friend, from the information availablle, it sounds like the classic, he said/she said incident, which often goes without reprecussions in the case of sexual assault of a female too.
Finally, don't call women "paranoid" for seeing rape as a legitimate concern to her wellbeing. This is where your ignorance is most pronounced because as a white male, you stand very little chance of being sexually assaulted in your lifetime, statistically. I don't expect you to feel the same threat that it poses to women, but at least try to imagine, if that's not so much to ask. As long as the discussion of rape and sexual assault remains focused on the side of the victim (blaming women for their actions that "caused" the incident rather than blaming the man for his actions) rape is still a legitimate and real concern for women. Perhaps when our society can turn the focus to the real root of the problem, women will not have the need to be concerned, I'm sorry "paranoid", about rape. You say "But we're also civilized enough to not act on these thoughts"? Then please do explain why "she was wearing provocative clothing", "she was drunk," "she was asking for it", etc. are still given as excuses and justifications for rape and sexual assault, and why rape still occurs if that is the case. Obviously not everyone is as "civilized" as you say, firstly for commiting the assault and secondly for thinking that to be a "valid" justification.
What I tried to convey in my post is how a lot of people use the "all A is B" method to simplify this argument.
People also do this in politics, gun control, and many other subjects. Regardless of topic, oversimplification rarely ever works.
I tried to paint the picture of every scenario being different. There is no cookie-cutter way to solve this problem, so broad brush-strokes don't work. The majority of sexual assault victims are women, but a lot of people use 'women' as the term of the victim and 'men' as the term of the rapist in all of their cases. As I mentioned in my response to Cynan, I myself was 'assaulted' over and over at a recent trip to a gay bar. I chalked it up to misunderstandings, and talked to the ass-grabbers to explain I wasn't interested. I was a victim, and I am male.
My fiancee summed it up fairly well. "Now you know how it feels to be a girl at the bar." I've never been the ass-grabbing "hey baby" type, but after that incident I developed a new respect for what a lot of women go through. Her and her circle of friends call me the 'sheep herder' when we go out, as I make sure all of the ladies in our group are safe and nobody gets taken advantage of. They know me, and know they're safe (safer, I should say) when I'm around.
For my response to:
"Then please do explain why "she was wearing provocative clothing", "she was drunk," "she was asking for it", etc. are still given as excuses and justifications for rape and sexual assault, and why rape still occurs if that is the case."
There are a lot of idiots out there. Murders happen, rapes happen, a lot of crimes happen because of stupid people. You asked me to do research, and I found that 69% of documented sexual assaults in Europe from 2000-2009 involved alcohol. Sometimes the victim was inebriated, sometimes the criminal was, sometimes both. Alcohol lowers both inhibition and IQ. If we reenacted prohibition laws, would sexual assaults decrease? Probably.
But again, that's all in theory. There is no one-answer solution to this, just as there is no good way to label all rapists or a sure-fire way to prevent rape.
While I am not trying to paint myself as a victim per se, we are all victims here. As a male, I am labeled as a possible rapist. I am also a possible rape victim, but that is typically brushed off. Because I am judged for having a penis, whether I have used it illegally or not, I feel hurt. Are you saying my feelings don't matter?
Sorry to annoy or offend. I am only sharing my opinion. As you can see by reading the comments, some people agree with me. Some don't. Both are 'right' by their opinions, and are more than welcome to share them. Thank you for contributing to this discussion. I appreciate your point of view.
With that said:
"The exact statistics don't matter, because the point is that all women are at risk of it, and all women worry about it."
Correction: The point is that all people are at risk of it. Not just women. Speaking in general terms, more women are raped than men, and women are typically seen more as rape targets or easier to rape, but that doesn't mean they're the only ones who are targets.
We are all potential victims. Rape victims, murder victims, hate-crime victims, etc.
I could only repeat what other commenters have said, but I highly recommend the OP read "Shroedinger's Rapist." The author explains in better detail the concerns brought up in response to your post. http://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/
Brandon from lostinidaho.me : I'm sharing the point that stereotypes and prejudicies on statistics behalf are counterproductive. But the same thing goes for polarized expression dude. Don't get me wrong what you said is 100% right, but this dosen't change an iota on the fact that many blogreaders don't read a post twice. They fire back instantly because of a polarized expression, and this is counterproductive too if you wanna discuss a problem seriously.
Just a female, not a feminist : Sorry, but the researchball I have to give back to you...
01. The simple fact that you never heard about cases where a man had to suffer accuses of that kind only because of his sex does not mean that it dosen't happen. The conclusion you made is therefore a little bit premarture.
02. Even not taking in consideration the case of Brandon's friend, a statistic is only that trustworthy as the people who made them and the information they got.
With that said, would you believe a man who tells you that he was raped by a woman??? In good faith, I don't think so. You know how humiliating it would be for you not being believed when you report a rape, just try to imagine how a man would feel. By the way, the difference are the 24/7 people who are surrounding the victim of a rape. You as a woman will find in worst case mixed emotions, what percentage ever... Me as a man instead will be shown the exact same behaviour that Brandon's friend recieved.
03. Even if I wouldn't have choosen the word "paranoid", but Brandon is not that wrong at all with his conclusion.
I guess nobody denies the women to see rape as a legitimate concern to their wellbeing. And you're 1000% right when you say that there is no valid justification for this. But like it or not, Brandon is right too when he claims that "sick" people exist. Unfortunately there's nothing to do about until these people are not registered by the police. Accepting this, the request of Brandon is legitimate. You can argument with each and every single statistic that you desire, but nonetheless we men prefer to be judged for our own actions and not for the impressions that a statistic gives you about us. Just like vice versa, or am I wrong???
The point is this, there are countless bastards out there. But seeing that there is nothing we can change about, Brandon is right when he sais "be smart, be safe, but stop being so judgmental and scared of your next"
Creepy ....Alan watts is good listening bro
Op is a fucking Liar. He raped me. Raped me till I bled.
Loved all your points! And completely agree that it's a two way street but traditional double standards will always be there. The same shit happens in politics that drives me fucking batshit crazy -- when they comment on the female politician's wardrobe or makeup or hair style. WHAT THE FUCK?
Do I think women "ask for it" when they dress skanktastic? Of course not. But what they are are fools into thinking that the attention they receive is coming from the good, wholesome gentleman that you'll want to bring home to their parents. Not likely.
I was called a MRA for doing this post. I had to look it up. It means 'Men's Rights Advocate,' meaning I don't let other genders/races use me as a scapegoat.
...interesting. I thought that mean I'm not a doormat, but maybe doormats were offended by that label?
People are always quick to judge and assume. Whether it be for sexual crime or for gun violence. Broad brushstrokes are not good. There is no easy answer. For the sake of everyone's sanity, please don't try to summarize and wrap things up with a little bow. It's never that easy, dear internets...
This post was awesome bro. I'm a total perv... relax, I'm not raping anyone...
I agree. As much as we love how the internet gives us all a voice, some people are way too full of their own opinions. Rape, like any other crimes, happen when someone decides the rules of right & wrong don't apply to them. It's sad that people just look for the first person/thing/group to blame because that's the easiest option.
That being said, I have something for you. I think you'll like it.
I used that line at a club once and almost got pepper-sprayed...
Good post. Rape is not sex. Rape is violence perpetrated on a victim.
Rape is not a crime of passion. And it is perfectly normal for men to thing about sex and women often. It is instinctual. But that has absolutely nothing to do with rape. Your post is perfect.
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