St. Patrick's Day FAIL

St. Patrick's Day is quickly approaching.  Along with Mardi Gras and Cinco de Mayo, St. Paddy's is one of the holy trinity of drinking holidays.

And personally, it's my favorite.  Green beer galore, as well as beautiful women wearing 'kiss me, I'm Irish' shirts?  I'm there.

In anticipation for this event, I went to twitter to show my love for this March holiday, as well as show my apprehension.

You see, there are a lot of idiots out there who don't know what the official food is for St. Patrick's Day.

As you and I know, it's corned beef & cabbage.  'Corned' as in peppercorned brisket.  Too many people out there call it 'corn beef & cabbage,' even though I've never seen corn served with the meal...

So I post this on twitter:

  
And then find a dozen or so idiots that have already made the mistake:

My head hurts from the massive amounts of fail, but I move on and go to sleep.

Then, the very next morning, I see THIS downtown:

It's like the gods are mocking me...  The famous North Hiway cafe strikes again.  They're famous for having the sign that reads "Home cook'n when your not home cook'n" so I expect no less from them.

Oh well.  I'm going to go get a head of cabbage, a can of creamed corn and a hamburger patty.  I'm going to celebrate early, and do it fail-style.  Who else wants some corn beef & cabbage??

The Best $10 I Have Ever Spent

When I was a kid, this was simply called 'being an asshole.'  Today it is referred to as 'trolling.'

Either way, this is hilarious, and I have to share this story with you.

I spend a lot of time on the road, and have found a love with Buffalo Wild Wings.  I can get a good cheap lunch/dinner there, and the atmosphere is fun.

I probably spend about 2-3 nights a month at various Buffalo Wild Wings locations in Montana and Idaho.

One of the fun aspects of BWW is the fact they have a jukebox.  At any time, you can go to the jukebox and change the house music to any tune you like, as long as it is on the playlist.

This day, I was bored and none of the sports channels were catching my eye.  The place was packed:  Girls' Night Out group, a table full of Air Force dudes in camo, and families all over the place.

I decided to people watch, and use the jukebox as my wingman.

The cost is $1 per song, and I put in a ten dollar bill.  The first song I picked was a bar standard, something current and 'pop-ish,' so nobody would notice what I was doing.

I found Beyonce's 'Single Ladies' and selected it.  Over and over.

The first time it came on, the Girls' Night group let out a "WOOOOO!!!" and danced at their table.  Nobody else really paid attention.

The second time it came on, a few people giggled.  Maybe this was a glitch...

The third time it came on, people started to groan and grumble.

By the 5th 'Single Ladies' in a row, the natives were getting restless.

When Aerosmith's 'Love in an Elevator' came on, there was a collective sigh of relief from the restaurant.  Some people clapped.  The vein in one Airman's forehead went back down.  People began eating in peace again.

But remember:  Intro song, Single Ladies x5, and Aerosmith.  That's only 7 songs...

...I spent $10...

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES, ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!

When Steven Tyler faded out and Beyonce came back with a vengeance, people flipped.

The ladies groaned.

One of the Airmen shouted "OH COME ON!!"

For every one person laughing, there were about 20 people genuinely upset.

And me?  I have a poker face.  I'm just watching, and enjoying the fun social experiment.

Sadly, some of my $10 was wasted, as a manager finally intervened and bypassed the jukebox.  I really didn't mind, since I definitely got my money's worth.

(Sidenote:  I was tempted to use Justin Bieber's 'Baby,' but come on... I'm not THAT big of an asshole!)

(Side sidenote:  I guess I'm not retired yet, here comes Dude Write 11!)

Wordless Wednesday - Something for the Vegans

I'll let this picture speak for itself...

Enjoy your day!  If I find the time to actually write something worthwhile, you may have another update before Friday...

Here's Your Sign: Idaho Edition

Spotted in Idaho Falls:

...it makes you wonder... are they short a few reader-board letters, or are they short a few brain cells?

Either way, it made me smile... Enjoy your weekend!

Idaho's Finest - Signage Showing Stupidity

If you have been following this blog for a while, you've probably seen multiple posts about signs and banners in my town that make me cringe.

Spelling and/or grammar mistakes galore.  It's an editor's nightmare, but makes writing daily posts for this blog simple.

Oh, and if you're newish, don't worry.  I'll be doing a 'best of the worst' post in the days to come.

The most recent addition is the Kia dealership in town. In front of their lot reads a sign that says "Idaho's TRUCK HeadQuarter's."

I'm not joking.

...in fact, I didn't even know Kia had trucks...

I've rolled past this sign many-a-time without really glancing at it, but one day it just screamed at me.  At first, I only noticed the capital Q.  Then, upon further inspection, my stomach began to turn.

Thank you, Stone's Kia of Idaho Falls.  You make my job as a blogger easy, and you give me one more reason why I'll never buy a Kia.

Hot Dogs Cause BUTT CANCER (among other things)

I was aghast (and amused) when I read a recent news article about hot dogs and butt cancer.

You see, PCRM is mentioning a study where processed meats can increase colorectal cancer risk.  However, putting BUTT CANCER in big bold letters on a Chicago billboard is much more fun.

My favorite paragraph of the article says "Janet Riley, president of the hot dog council (ha!!) said in a statement that hot dogs are 'part of a healthy, balanced diet.'...."

First off, a hot dog council sounds epic.  Secondly, part of a healthy, balanced diet?  Could you imagine hot dog commercials using that as a tag line?  I know cereal companies do, but hot dogs?!?  SOMEONE NEEDS TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN.

Depending on which side you are on, this is either showing people the truth about processed meats, or this is just propaganda from a PETA-esque company.  Either or, it makes for some good humor.

Besides butt cancer, hot dogs are also known to:

Turn Men On (when used properly)

Turn Men Off (when used improperly)

Bring your mind into the gutter...

Cost you a run for the US Presidency...

Create internet lol's galore...

And, every now and then, just look kind of gay.
(See?  Even Michelle is confused by Barack's... um... enthusiasm.)

So yes, hot dogs are extremely versatile, cause butt cancer, are a part of a complete and balanced diet, and WILL DRIVE YOU INSANE.

Sh*t Mormons Say

Today is going to be brief, because it's going to be a long day for me.  Busy with work, busy with travel, and by the end of the day I hope to be 700 miles from here.

So today I present to you a compilation of videos, some made by actual Mormons, some made by mocking observers.

Either way, they're funny as hell.  That is, if you believe in hell.

I present.... Shit Mormons say.  Walk around an Eastern Idaho mall on a Saturday, and you'll hear at least 60% of these 'isms' within an hour.

"I bless this donut... to strengthen and nourish my body..."

Internet 101 - Troll Science Memes

Troll science has been around since the days of Wile E Coyote and the ACME company.

Basically, if it makes zero sense and defies the laws of physics, it can be construed as troll science.

For example:  Gluing thousands of magnets to the front of your car, and harnessing another large magnet to be held stationary directly in front of your car.  This should pull your car forward, and you'll never need to buy gas ever again.

...right?

Not quite, but it sounds good in theory...

Here are some classic Troll Science memes from the internets:

This makes me want to strap buttered bread onto my cat...

Problem, Einstein?

A quick google search will pull up hundreds of these, which always make me laugh.  As a late Christmas gift to my readership, I wanted to share some lol's with you.  I hope you enjoyed...

Religion and Sex - They Don't Mix For a Reason

Most major religions promote abstinence instead of safe sex.

A lot of people think this is because of Scripture, and the fact God doesn't want people having sex before marriage.

Well, that's not entirely true.  The priesthood promotes abstinence...

...because they don't understand how condoms work.

Maybe with a little education (and patience) we can make this a better world?

Using Teletubbies to Teach Your Kids About Sex

You see, when La-la and Po decided they loved each other very much...

...no wait, let me start over...

You see, Dipsy has a different part than Tinky-Winky, and...

...um....

crap.

Here, let me illustrate...

Does that make any sense?

Return of the Clean Meter: Time to boost my score

Thank you all for participating in yesterday's Cleanmeter fun.  Not only was it a well-received post, but insanely popular as well.  It was the #1 viewed post of the day, and after just one day it became the post of the week, and the 3rd-most viewed post of the month!

It just goes to show that everyone loves some good *cough* clean fun...

But, how to follow such an awesome post?

Well, why not bring it back, and try to boost my score?  I was mid-yellow as of yesterday, and plan on fixing that little snafu.

Over Memorial Day weekend, I did a post listing off a gaggle of funny vagina names.  It was fun, was widely popular, and I've been wanting to do something similar for a while.  Today is that day.  My followers, I bring to you:

The top 20 euphemisms for male and female masturbation.  I'll be doing 20 of each so sit back, dim the lights, put on some 'mood music' and don't let anyone catch you.

Male:

20. Wasting Paste
19. A date with Pamela Handerson
18. Roughing up the suspect
17. Applying the hand-brake
16. Building upper-body strength
15. Cleaning your rifle
14. Waxing the surfboard
13. Shakin' hands with the unemployed
12. Painting the ceiling
11. The five-knuckle shuffle

10. Hand to gland combat
9. Turning japanese (yes, bad taste, but I laughed a little...)
8. Disobeying the Pope
7. Checking the Oil
6. Arm aerobics
5. Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo (nerd alert!)
4. Playing with the Pink Power Ranger
3. Sanding your banister
2. Zoot Flute Riot (5-points if you get the reference)
1. Pitching a knuckleball

Female:

20. Sending muffin morse code
19. The two-finger tango
18. Stirring the sauce
17. Makin some soup
16. Tending your own garden
15. Double clicking the mouse
14. Going fishing with the man in the boat
13. Defrosting the fridge
12. Stirring the honey pot
11. Doing your nails
10. Twinkling the little star

9. Visiting the safety deposit box
8. Testing the plumbing
7. Tickling the tuna
6. Making kitty purr
5. Getting a jiffy-lube
4. Doing the two-finger slit rumba
3. Finger-painting
2. Flipping the light switch repeatedly (OCD much?)
1.  Shuffling your iPod



Ok, so let's see what this little post did to my cleanmeter rating, shall we??




...excellent...

If I missed any good ones, please let me know by leaving a comment below.  Thanks for playing!

My work is trying to be an "Of excellence" workplace

Everything is better when it's excellent, isn't it?

I work for a non-profit agency.  They're not happy with being just another non-profit.  They are working on becoming an "Agency of Excellence."

Apparently you can do that.  It requires years of policy updates, performance reviews, and hoops after hoops to jump through.

My agency has been trying for this "of excellence" title for about 4 years now.  This week, an official 'excellence' review team came in, reviewed our policies, and made suggestions on how to become more excellent.

(Can you tell how much I like this word?  Excellent?  I'm not sure if I want to say it a-la-Spicoli, Wayne's World, or Bill & Ted.  While similar, they are all excellent in their own special ways.  But I digress...)

To improve our excellence rating, signs have been going up throughout our office.  Most are framed motivational posters with "Perseverance" and "Focus" messages.  Cheesy, yes, but apparently they motivate us.  Go fig.

I'd like to share 2 of the more unconventional signs that have popped up.  Both are in the restrooms.

First is a "how to change a roll of toilet paper" sign.  It reads as follows: (my retorts are in red)

Bathroom Skills for the Workplace


Your mother doesn't work here....

1. You are responsible to change the roll yourself when you use the last squares.
2. When the roll is empty... squeeze the silver holder together (on the end of the roll away from the middle).
3. Swing the end piece out.
4. Remove empty roll.  (um, duh?)
5. Replace roll.  (oh sheesh, really?)
6. Swing end piece back in place until it snap in place (Grammar are good!)

Smile and realize that you have done your bit for society and a happy workplace.

It makes me a little sad that people need to be told these things, but there is a similar "clean up your messes" sign in the break room.  Some people don't know how to clean up after themselves??

Next is a most excellent sign, found on the men's urinal.

You need to read it to believe it...

"Help Prevent Spillage by getting a little closer.  (...you're not as blessed as you think...)"

Now, is someone peeping at my tater-tot, or is that just a general assumption??

Either way, it's both offensive and hilarious.  Therefore, excellent.

Are there any funny, pointless, or just plain ridiculous signs at your place of business?  If so, please share here.  My workplace can't be the only "Workplace of *cough* excellence" out there.