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2/1/12

Cats In Heat are Just Plain Wrong

I have two cats:  Weeble and Dora.  Both female, both fixed.

However, Weebs got fixed after her first round of being in heat.  We waited too long, and IT started before her spaying appointment.

OH. MY. GOD.

Photographing Kitty Porn???  PERVERT!!
As if the yowling wasn't enough, she went after the only male in the house (ahem) and begged to be fucked.  It was disturbing.  Ass in the air, or backing into me and dry-humping whatever she could get.

We couldn't throw her outside, because a half-dozen alley cats were outside.  They KNEW there was a female in heat, and they wanted a piece of her...  6-month old innocent virgin... that has to be the holy grail for male cats...

After days of anguish, I finally called the vet.  "I know we can't get her fixed til she's done, doc..." I asked,  "but what can we do in the meantime?"

So the vet tells me a trick:  If I take a cotton swab and rub her in just the right way, it'll get her off and give me a day or so of peace.

...what...

I went to the medicine cabinet....

I grabbed a Q-Tip, and looked at it.  Confused and mortified.


I swallowed my pride, took the swab, and sat down on the couch.  Within seconds she's on my lap, yowling and humping the air as usual.  "Fuck me, daddy!  Fuck me good and put me out of my misery!"

So fuck her I did.  I did just as the vet said:  I pinned her down like a male cat would.  She yowled and hissed and struggled, but it was all a part of the act.  Her rear raised slowly, as if saying:

HELP!  I'M BEING RAPED!  HELP!  (stick it in, daddy)


I took the tip of the swab (heh, just the tip...) and rubbed it where the vet told me to.  She let out moans of ecstasy I have never heard before (shut up) and after about 30 seconds, pretty much passed out on me.

She was spent.

And I felt unclean.  So unclean...  I showered and scrubbed, but I felt so dirty.  So used...

I went through three Q-Tips during that ordeal.  I still have horrible flashbacks whenever I hear a cat yowling for sex...

Years later when I adopted Dora, she got fixed as soon as fucking possible.  There was NO WAY I would go through that disturbing 'kitty porn' scenario again...

And that, my friends, is the story of when I fucked my cat.  She begged me to do it, honest!

40 comments:

  1. Jessica ( frellathon )2/1/12, 5:09 AM

    lmao that is so awesome I have a cat and she's needing to be spayed and yeah she does the same thing with my brother but I'll have to mention qtip dildo to him. What I don't get is why I'm being told by vets it's 300 to 600 to get it done like for real?! wtf Also this post may be the most awesome ever hehe

    ReplyDelete
  2. Pickleope2/1/12, 5:15 AM

    There are some things you can't unread. Kitty porn is one of them.
    As disturbing as it was, you had to live it.
    Was there no alternative? Spray with a water bottle? Now you know what it's like to work in a zoo as an intern (oh sure, the zoologists are the ones manually masturbating the caged animals).
    I have to imagine this will drive strange traffic to your site now. Very strange, disturbing traffic.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous2/1/12, 5:33 AM

    No no no no no no. I want to ajax my brain. Damn visual thinking. I do NOT want the pictures of you in my head that I have! Fuck you...it's 7am and I have to think about masturbating a cat. Jesus....not okay. My face is twisted in the most hideous contortion of disgust and shock.

    Kudos for manning up and "taking care of business" but ick and eww. Fucking whore of a cat...she totally used you. Slut.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Lady Estrogen2/1/12, 5:53 AM

    LAUGHING AND MORTIFIED AT THE SAME TIME.

    You're a sick motherfucker.
    lol

    ReplyDelete
  5. Just Keepin It Real, Folks!2/1/12, 6:19 AM

    Now that's a story ya just can't share with everyone. So glad to be on the short list!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Emily Guy Birken2/1/12, 6:42 AM

    I don't know if I should thank you for the hilarious post or curse you for the nightmares that I will certainly be having about this. Holy crap!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Zombie2/1/12, 7:24 AM

    This is one of the reasons I dont have cats... lol.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This.is.me2/1/12, 7:33 AM

    Let me tell you I've read this before my zumba lesson and spent the entire time with a picture of you in my mind fucking your cat with a Q-Tip... that was so gross! but very hilarious at the same time!

    A really nice story to share with us readers ¬¬

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous2/1/12, 8:17 AM

    I'm with Lady Estrogen. I feel so unclean now! Also... THIS is going to get you some weird search keywords.... Can't wait to hear about those!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Simple Musings2/1/12, 8:21 AM

    What's been read can't be unread. That is disturbing on multiple levels. I feel so bad that you had to resort to such things. I guess... I guess you didn't have an option...

    ReplyDelete
  11. Random Girl2/1/12, 9:13 AM

    What Jewels said x 3. Ick and ewww. I wish I could unread this.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Melanie2/1/12, 9:55 AM

    I feel so violated right now, but holy shit, I haven't laughed that hard in forever. I KNOW that yowling sound. Oh my word!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Bart2/1/12, 10:42 AM

    theyre also annoying

    ReplyDelete
  14. Jon Hanson2/1/12, 11:07 AM

    First: I now need a shower myself.

    Second: Does Studio30Plus have a Boomerang category for most bizarre post of the year?

    SD

    ReplyDelete
  15. Mooner In The Perti Dish2/1/12, 11:21 AM

    Brandini. Fucking cats. Why won't they just hump the leg of your jeans like a dog? That shit comes out in the wash, but this dealie is brain branded.

    ReplyDelete
  16. jillsmo2/1/12, 11:22 AM

    OH

    MY

    GOD

    ReplyDelete
  17. the Tsaritsa2/1/12, 12:07 PM

    Because I Triberr tweeted this, I now have friends asking me if I have a problem. Kitty porn, LOL

    ReplyDelete
  18. D42/1/12, 12:34 PM

    LMAOOOOOOO I laughed so hard, and I think this grin isn't being wiped off for a few hours. On the upside, at least it wasn't a male cat, right?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Masshole Mommy2/1/12, 1:15 PM

    I feel kind of dirty just reading this.....

    ReplyDelete
  20. Julie Ferguson2/1/12, 2:28 PM

    Haha, I feel like I need a cigarette after reading that. I hope you two will be very happy.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Al Penwasser2/1/12, 2:31 PM

    The vet probably hung up the phone, turned to his assistant and said, "You'll never BELIEVE what I convinced some dude to do!"
    Moral to the Story: Sometimes, there can be too much pussy in the house.
    And good thing you don't have a pet gorilla.
    WARNING: Shameless Effort To Get You To Read My Blog Tomorrow Ahead
    I mention "My Own Private Idaho" in "Call Me Al-The Rerun."
    I hope people visit. And I hope they read this story.

    ReplyDelete
  22. katsidhe2/1/12, 4:07 PM

    Well.

    This was quite an introduction to your blog, sir. ;-P

    Now I'm going to go stick a brillo pad in my ear in an attempt to scrub these images from my brain.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Tony Van Helsing2/1/12, 4:51 PM

    Funny while also being disturbing.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Crack You Whip2/1/12, 6:54 PM

    Ohhh...did I just read what I think I did? Excuse me while I go pluck my eyes out and erase things from my brain.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Alexandra2/1/12, 10:32 PM

    Can't believe I just read that.

    Now I have to go bleach out my eyeballs.

    And my brains.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Krissy2/2/12, 6:59 AM

    I am a bit speechless at the moment, which is rare for me. However, what does it say about me that I'm sticking around after that was my first exposure to your blog? Surely it just means you will expose me to things I can't find ANYWHERE else, right? That's a good thing.. I think.

    http://www.talkativetaurus.com/

    ReplyDelete
  27. Alex D.2/2/12, 8:25 AM

    "And that, my friends, is the story of when I fucked my cat. She begged me to do it, honest!"


    HAHA! What did I just read?! Probably your best post yet!

    ReplyDelete
  28. A Beer for the Shower2/2/12, 8:30 AM

    I didn't even know this was possible. Or advised. I passed this on to a few people because, well, how could you NOT pass this on?

    Also, the thought of a cat saying stick it in daddy may be the most disturbing cat quote of the decade, so thanks for that.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Pish Posh2/2/12, 11:36 AM

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD

    I don't know if that was horrible or wonderful or both.

    I can't believe you did that. It makes me forgive you for your political taste...

    I don't think I will ever forget this story, frankly

    ReplyDelete
  30. J J Constantine2/2/12, 11:33 PM

    Rule 34 strikes again :D

    great work, this was a really interesting read!

    ReplyDelete
  31. On My Soapbox2/3/12, 11:03 PM

    Who knew that Q-Tips had so many uses?

    ReplyDelete
  32. injaynesworld2/4/12, 10:11 AM

    I will never be able to look at a Q-Tip the same way.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Q2/4/12, 2:41 PM

    (Still staring a computer monitor withs fingers on keyboard) I'm not sure what to say.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Vinny C2/8/12, 4:54 AM

    Likewise... speechless...

    ReplyDelete
  35. Jessica @FoundtheMarbles2/9/12, 3:07 PM

    Wow. I didn't know whether to laugh or be horrified that you just openly admitted to molesting your cat.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Unknown6/10/12, 4:45 AM

    Jessica Lay I may kill you or send you a pound of bacon for sending me to this link..I no longer can send cute pictures of kittens and call it kitty porn. No..no because. Someone pass me the bleach! And a wire brush for my brain. Funniest freaking lost ever!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Anonymous7/31/12, 4:16 AM

    It's 5 in the morning and I'm reading about fucking a cat with a Q-tip where did my life go so wrong?

    ReplyDelete
  38. Brandon from lostinidaho.me2/1/13, 12:28 PM

    Getting them spayed is usually cheap, but if you get them spayed while they're in heat, it gets expensive. I was told the same thing, which is why I waited. 3 qtips and a little bit of emotional scarring was still cheaper than $600...

    ReplyDelete
  39. Brandon from lostinidaho.me2/1/13, 12:29 PM

    The next time you use a Q-Tip, think about how you're really just fucking your ear....

    ReplyDelete
  40. Brandon from lostinidaho.me2/1/13, 12:30 PM

    Kitty porn is a serious thing, and your followers know that. :)

    ReplyDelete

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